Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

BANNED FROM WAL MART........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
  Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been ***d to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..
15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards Walmart

[Ze****]

Morning Sex

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and she turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her a good seeing to over the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" 

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[Ze****]

One Liners

If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
Aging is bad, but consider the alternative.
Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do.
Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time.
James Bond asked an ATT rep for a source licence to "kill"
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Not *the* Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?
Be gentle with me, its my first time ... Meow
I say we nuke the site from Orbit,
Daleks - Do - Not - Lie! Ex-Agg-Er-Ate! Ex-Agg-Er-Ate!
Peri lover: He who appreciates a fine whine
Power Amiga We droped the PC for estetical reasons
Go on, do Deformed Rabbit ...it's my favourite.
Imagination is the highest kite one can fly
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!
MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way.
Heisenburg may have slept here.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
The milkman brings us vodka...we drink it!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

[Ze****]

Cocktails

 

  A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm let's see what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction.

  Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!"

  Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?"

  The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!" Nope, but you're close, the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

[Ze****]

Difference between men and women

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
 

  Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.
  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
  Get in the shower.
  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
  Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with g***fruit and mint.
  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
  Rinse conditioner off hair.
  Shave armpits and legs.
  Turn off shower.
  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
  Get out of shower.
  Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
  If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
  Walk naked to the bathroom.
  If you see your wife along the way, shake Willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
  Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your bum.
  Get in the shower.
  Wash your face.
  Wash your armpits.
  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
  Wash your hair.
  Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  Wee.
  Rinse off and get out of shower.
  Partially dry off.
  Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
  Admire Willy size in mirror again.
  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
  Throw wet towel on bed.

[Ze****]

Lucky Bet

 

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Melbourne one morning with a purse full of ***. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of ***.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much ***. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of *** involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

 

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

T he next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of *** involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

 

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

 

"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Melbourne!"  

[Ze****]

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected
by schools from all over England .
 
1. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.  

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent, She was sick and I had her shot.  

3. Dear School . Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.  

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today, she is aministrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days,  Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip.
 
6. John has been absent because he has had two teeth taken out of his head.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in his growing part.
 
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.  

10. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
 
11. Please excuse Pedro for being absent yesterday, He has (strikethrough: diaher) (strikethrough: dyrea) (strikethrough: direathe) the shits.

12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. it was his fathers fault.  

14. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
 
15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.  

16. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.  

17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the marines.
 
18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He has a cold and could not breed well.
 
19. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.  

20. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.  

21. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor  

22. Please excuse Tommy for being absent. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.  

23. Mary was absent December 11 - 16, becuase she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her *** was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
anhd ached all over. I wasn't best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around. her father even got hot last night.  

24. Please excuse Jim for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Ze****]

The Lone Ranger learns a valuable lesson

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

[Ze****]

The Tramp

 

There was this tramp.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water.
Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took  off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down.A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more *** than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your ***?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday."
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much *** does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy classround the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yip***", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain   stormsdown the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
The tramp had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went down though the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos,
and the ballrooms,
down through the crew's quarters,
down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
until finally,
at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull,
the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more   thing...""Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it.
One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and  dived.......and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ....">
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
on and on
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
past our moon ...
and on ...
and mars ...
and on ...
higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt, and on and on towards the diving board,
.... past the outer planets, until...
.... finally ...... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ...
.... he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and he jumped . .
slowly at first
but s***ding up faster, and faster
s***ding past Pluto
and the other outer planets
through the asteroid belts
past Mars, and the moon,
faster, and faster, faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...past the albatross,
faster
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN! DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...! DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........

SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! ***Y GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
..I'm a poor tramp...
..so you must understand ...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life"

[Ze****]

THINGS YOU CAN’T SAY AT WORK

don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

[Ze****]

Blonde And Computer

 

A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.  She said to the Salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.  He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
 

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
 

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seven*** inches.'
 

'Seven*** inches?' asked the salesman.
 

'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
 

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.
 

'The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows. ......'

[Ze****]

Tourist At The Zoo

 

One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and ask the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."

[Ze****]

Business one-liners 01

 

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

[do****]

3 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

Blonde And Computer

 

A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.  She said to the Salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.  He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
 

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
 

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seven*** inches.'
 

'Seven*** inches?' asked the salesman.
 

'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'
 

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.
 

'The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows. ......'

😂😂😂

[Ze****]

World's Smallest Books

 

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational S***ches

Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

Great Women Drivers Of Today

Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For *** by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

[Ze****]

Complaints Desk

 

A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints." 

[do****]

12 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

World's Smallest Books

 

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational S***ches

Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

Great Women Drivers Of Today

Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For *** by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

😂😂😂 you're brutal. I can read all these books and do book reports on them at the same time in under 30 mins 😂

[fe****]

I had been in the closet so long that my clothes are back in style!

[Ze****]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.


FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings


RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in S***.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Four*** days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I ru! n, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

[Ze****]

BANNED FROM WAL MART........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
  Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been ***d to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..
15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards Walmart

[Ze****]

Confucious

Confucious he say if have bird in hand, beware of crap in palm.

[Ze****]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie:£19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.99 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's ***
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend..."

[Ze****]

Off to See the Wizard!

 
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado.
They are whirled off to the land of OZ.

 
 
 
They finally make it to the Emerald City and find the Great Wizard.
 
 
 " What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
 
  
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says,
 "I've come for some courage."
 
 
 
" No Problem! says the Wizard. Who ' s next? "
 
Richard Nixon steps forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."
 
 

 "Done! says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

 

Up steps Dubya and says,

"I'm told by some of the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.

Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"

 

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

[Ze****]

How to tell you are married!! 

 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
 
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
 
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.'  Then we made love all night long.
 
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.  When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
 
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Ze****]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."