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Naughtybetty

Worrying exchange with a so called Dom

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Naughtybetty
Posted

Hi everyone 

I had a very odd exchange with a member from here on another chat app. By the profile, I could tell this person was intense and when they emailed me to discuss the Dom sub dynamic further,  I agreed. I'm always interested to hear views on this subject especially from those who practice it. 

They began by questioning my usernames and why they were all different. Then accused me of being a 'tranny'. I found this alarming. So I asked if they had been deceived before and they said yes. So I decided to allay their fear and stated I was a woman, my full name and it's origin. After asking a question about my orientation, which I didn't mind, they suggested, hypothetically, that they would make me be with another woman. I said I'm not one to be MADE to do anything and it all depends on how I'm asked. I said I'm not a fan of having orders barked at me. This person said they didn't think we were on the same page and I agreed. I stated that I figured that from the way our convo started. They got upset and used my faiths prominent figures name in vein at which point I decided to end the convo. Instead of responding, I wrote take care. I didn't want to engage this person since we clearly were not getting along. 

I'm saddened that I had an experience like this. I understand people have their guard up when talking to people online. I do too. But I'm polite about it. If you want to engage with people who share your interests, then you have to open yourself up a little, trust a little and be patient. 

My identity was questioned and mocked. My faith was mocked and used as a crude joke. And the quickness to anger was astounding. I offered info about myself to make the other feel at ease. It was used against me in a negative manner. I know a bully when I'm talking to one. I've lived with them all my life. I'm not looking to that I'm any future exchanges with people on or offline. 

I felt the need to share this because I know that the majority of people are not like this. I wanted to highlight how different people view the Dom sub dynamic and why it's important to make sure you keep some anonymity and don't ever submit to abuse you wouldn't take if you were face to face. 

Just because I'm looking for a dom, does not mean I am looking to be disrespected. I won't let this experience deter me from talking to other people online. I will trust my instincts more and not give so many second chances to people thinking they'll change their behaviour. 

  • Like 5
Posted

I'm really sorry to read you've had such a negative experience. If you have any problems with this user on site please report it to us so we can do something about it. 

However I'm really glad you stood your ground and didn't let this interaction get you down. I wish people would be more aware that there's more than 1 way to do BDSM...we're all different. 

  • Like 3
Carnelian2
Posted (edited)

I find it stonishing that someone would behave like that. In my mind, there is really no difference between this forum and any other place where you meet people. That also goes for the standards of behaviour. We are all different and I am sure you will connect with like-minded people. Do not be put off by this - you meet this type of individual everywhere, and it is their problem. Not yours.

Edited by Carnelian2
Spell-checker -replaced “with” with “suite”
  • Like 4
Posted
Lots of red flags there
  • Like 3
Posted
Please don’t worry or take it to heart, on here I have been called a selfish bitch for not sending topless photos, been told ‘I demand you send me pictures’ & told that I as a sub & not comply to requests that I am leading people on.....from different people. Sadly some think being a Dom means they can bully. A Dom/Mistress role is built up on trust, respect & the knowledge of how to own a situation. They cannot own a situation alone they need a Sub by their side, it is a partnership not a disrespectful situation. You are strong enough to see the difference & walk away knowing what you want....keep looking for the good ones x
  • Like 10
Posted

NaughtyBetty, good for you for standing your ground. Unfortunately there are so many wannabe Doms who dont have the first clue about how to initiate a conversation appropriately. As a sub who is owned, and clearly state this is my profile I was amazed at the about of messages I received from men who clearly had no clue! Have a look at your security settings etc im sure VictoriaBlisse may be able to point you in the right direction with this? I  have locked my pics and been very direct on my profile which has helped a little. But you are right...there is a big difference between abuse and bdsm. Great that you raised the issue. Good luck finding the right Dom xxxx

  • Like 4
IngsPAlexia
Posted
Thanyou for sharing that it is good and useful information for everyone, sorry you had to deal with it though.
  • Like 4
Naughtybetty
Posted
1 hour ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

I'm really sorry to read you've had such a negative experience. If you have any problems with this user on site please report it to us so we can do something about it. 

However I'm really glad you stood your ground and didn't let this interaction get you down. I wish people would be more aware that there's more than 1 way to do BDSM...we're all different. 

Thank you. I instantly ignored his profile and blocked him on the other app. 

  • Like 3
Greeneyes70
Posted

I’ve just joined and made a decision to not engage with anyone who is too in my face. I want to learn, not have a bad experience. That person sounds like they have no idea what it takes to build any kind of relationship. There are nice people on here

  • Like 6
SirPhileasFlogg
Posted
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a horrible experience my lovely. You've clearly come across a dick masquerading as a Dom . If you ever want to talk you have my number. x
  • Like 2
PatientTraveller
Posted

Love that you stood your ground; and I saddened that you had to have to experience bullying...there is no need for it...life is too complicated as it is. 

Everybody as shared some good advice, especially the ladies.

Something that does bother me is the sharing of personal details, such as full name....both Doms/Subs need to protect themselves. I don't know how long you where chatting, but guard your personal details, these are for later...

 

The best advice that I have taken onboard, is putting the kink or need for a relationship aside:

Just socialise and chat, see if their is social connection, see if you can be friends first and is the virtual relationship indicating that there is a fair give and take...are you able to have a cup of coffee/tea later on your own and feel relaxed or giggle at some of the silly points. 

 

Sorry that the advice, comments and support has come after being abused. I know the topic has ruined my morning, but I am glad that your helping to share that there are good and bad apples around and drawing out advice for others publicly to learn and share.

  • Like 4
Posted
On 12/3/2017 at 1:37 AM, Naughtybetty said:

They began by questioning my usernames and why they were all different. Then accused me of being a 'tranny'. I found this alarming. So I asked if they had been deceived before and they said yes. So I decided to allay their fear and stated I was a woman, my full name and it's origin. After asking a question about my orientation, which I didn't mind, they suggested, hypothetically, that they would make me be with another woman. I said I'm not one to be MADE to do anything and it all depends on how I'm asked. I said I'm not a fan of having orders barked at me. This person said they didn't think we were on the same page and I agreed. I stated that I figured that from the way our convo started. They got upset and used my faiths prominent figures name in vein at which point I decided to end the convo. Instead of responding, I wrote take care. I didn't want to engage this person since we clearly were not getting along.

My identity was questioned and mocked. My faith was mocked and used as a crude joke. And the quickness to anger was astounding. I offered info about myself to make the other feel at ease. It was used against me in a negative manner. I know a bully when I'm talking to one. I've lived with them all my life. I'm not looking to that I'm any future exchanges with people on or offline.

Just because I'm looking for a dom, does not mean I am looking to be disrespected. I won't let this experience deter me from talking to other people online. I will trust my instincts more and not give so many second chances to people thinking they'll change their behaviour. 

Hi there Naughtybety,

I am very saddened to hear about your negative experience with another so called Dom you've met from this site. Unfortunately it's pretty obvious from his paranoia and questioning of you straight away that he has major insecurity issues and as such he should not be out there or on any site trying to pass himself off as a Dom looking for a D/s relationship. It's people like that who end up doing real mental and emotional damage to subs and you have done well to block and avoid him. I hope that the guy is reading this thread and see's all the replies you've had already. What this guy should be doing is going to see a good therapist to deal with his insecurity issues before getting into any type of relationship with anyone as those issues are toxic and corrosive and will not allow him to have any kind of good relationship (vanilla or kink based) with anyone until he deals with them and moves past them.

You did exactly the right thing in standing your ground and not giving him an inch. His reaction was like that of a spoiled child throwing their toys out of the pram when they don't get their way and that type of reaction speaks of not only his insecurity and confidence issues but also his immaturity and lack of impulse control when being denied what he wants.

I agree with PatientTraveller about the anonymity we should all be well versed in and use until we feel we have gotten to know a potential new friend or partner well enough to share more personal and intimate details of ourselves. Carnelia2 also makes a good point in that the standard of politeness and etiquette on this site should be no different form the same standards you would expect when meeting someone in the real world. If someone comes across as rude, brash, bullying or so insecure in themselves they question your own honesty then simply thank them for their time and walk away; you will save yourself a lot of grief and abuse by doing that and then quickly blocking them from being able to contact or abuse you via any app or website.  As you yourself have mentioned it is about respect and just because you are a submissive, it doesn't mean anyone should have any less respect for who you are as a person. If anything Dominants should be highly respectful of submissives as what BigPolly has said is true, a Dominant is nothing without a submissive and so they should be respected, cherished and worshiped for who they are and who they choose to be.  

When I meet a potential new submissive I know that I need to get to know who she is as a person before making any demands of her. That "getting to know you", phase for me is incredibly enjoyable as it is when I take it upon myself to begin to seduce a submissive, to drive myself into their mind, body and soul so that in time they crave me and my attention every bit as much if not more so than I crave theirs. It's the act of making someone not only comfortable, safe and protected, but of arousing in them such a strong and overwhelming desire to submit to me that they have no choice but to grant me their submission so that their desires and need can be fulfilled.  

 

Best of luck finding areal and more suitable Dominant who respects you and worships you for who you and not what you are.

  • Like 6
Naughtybetty
Posted
12 hours ago, PatientTraveller said:

Love that you stood your ground; and I saddened that you had to have to experience bullying...there is no need for it...life is too complicated as it is. 

Everybody as shared some good advice, especially the ladies.

Something that does bother me is the sharing of personal details, such as full name....both Doms/Subs need to protect themselves. I don't know how long you where chatting, but guard your personal details, these are for later...

 

The best advice that I have taken onboard, is putting the kink or need for a relationship aside:

Just socialise and chat, see if their is social connection, see if you can be friends first and is the virtual relationship indicating that there is a fair give and take...are you able to have a cup of coffee/tea later on your own and feel relaxed or giggle at some of the silly points. 

 

Sorry that the advice, comments and support has come after being abused. I know the topic has ruined my morning, but I am glad that your helping to share that there are good and bad apples around and drawing out advice for others publicly to learn and share.

Hey patientraveller

Thank you for your response. I agree completely. I wanted to clarify also that I only shared my full first name as I had stated a shortened version of it on the other app. I am definitely careful about what info I share and with who I share it. 

I hope your day picked up. X

  • Like 1
Naughtybetty
Posted
18 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

I find it stonishing that someone would behave like that. In my mind, there is really no difference between this forum and any other place where you meet people. That also goes for the standards of behaviour. We are all different and I am sure you will connect with like-minded people. Do not be put off by this - you meet this type of individual everywhere, and it is their problem. Not yours.

Hi carnelian2

Thanks for replying. I couldn't agree more. Good Manners should be a basic requisite for any form of communication. I had a member email with a hi, how are you and went into graphic detail about what he wanted to do to me. It was explicit and unwarranted. I was disgusted, told him so and ignored him after telling him that manners and conversation go a long way.

Hope you're having a good day x

  • Like 4
Naughtybetty
Posted
15 hours ago, Greeneyes70 said:

I’ve just joined and made a decision to not engage with anyone who is too in my face. I want to learn, not have a bad experience. That person sounds like they have no idea what it takes to build any kind of relationship. There are nice people on here

Hi greeneyes70

You're right. There are wonderful people on here. I'm pleasantly surprised by the support and advice I've been given so far. Talked to some amazing people and I'm so glad that exploring bdsm is a positive experience.

Good luck on here and have fun x

  • Like 4
Naughtybetty
Posted
13 hours ago, SirArtu said:

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a horrible experience my lovely. You've clearly come across a dick masquerading as a Dom . If you ever want to talk you have my number. x

Hey sirartu 

Thanks. And yes, he was a dick. X

  • Like 3
Naughtybetty
Posted
17 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Please don’t worry or take it to heart, on here I have been called a selfish bitch for not sending topless photos, been told ‘I demand you send me pictures’ & told that I as a sub & not comply to requests that I am leading people on.....from different people. Sadly some think being a Dom means they can bully. A Dom/Mistress role is built up on trust, respect & the knowledge of how to own a situation. They cannot own a situation alone they need a Sub by their side, it is a partnership not a disrespectful situation. You are strong enough to see the difference & walk away knowing what you want....keep looking for the good ones x

Hi bigpolly 

Thank you for replying. You're absolutely right. It's not a one way relationship, it takes the submission and permission of the sub for the Dom to even be rewarded by their submission. You can't have one without the other. 

And I hope I find the right dom for me too x x

  • Like 5

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