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He's afraid to be dom because he verbally abused me.

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a long time now, almost 2 years. We're both 20 and we've been in a switch relationship. I was domme for a really long time, like 3-4 months and we decided to switch. But the other day he snapped at me and my therapist said it's verbal abuse. I confronted my boyfriend about it, and he felt very bad and promised not to do it again. We've had issues in the past with him yelling at me because he was mad. We have a method to move past this but now he's claiming he's not fit to be dom. He says its not a good idea. I keep saying he's never once done anything wrong as dom. He's never neglected aftercare or pushed a punishment onto me that I didn't like. He's never humiliated or degraded me to the point that I've dropped. Most of my drops are just being worn out/done or from too much pain. I asked my therapist and she thinks it's because he's guilty for what he did but he also is a "true sub" and so am I. She said just to be vanilla until one of us decides to be dom. He still claims it's not a good idea.

He told me to come on here and ask a second opinion. What do you think? Am I being too ignorant and not seeing this is a bad idea? Or is he being silly and giving me a bad excuse not to be dom?

  • Like 1
I personally think that the dom sub thing should stay inside...bedroom or wherever you two have passion time.Example...if is. My woman turn to. Be dom..if she treat me like asissy in public...lol first i tell her where she can go and iwould disappear inthe horizon

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you can't make someone be what they're not, he's clearly not comfortable in a Dom role, and you pushing him to be what you want/need him to be means you both are neglecting his needs, and they're just as important as your own..you say "he's claiming he's not fit to be a dom" that in itself is dismissive of what he's telling you, he's not looking for an excuse, he's telling you he's not comfortable and your just not listening.

Have you tried switching it up every time rather than each focusing on just the one more defined role? It might take some of the pressure he's feeling off?

I'm sure his frustration is the reason for his outburst, given that you suggest that is a past thing rather than this single recent outburst..if it isn't then that needs addressing before you can move on together whatever dynamic you have. 


  • Like 5
Let timing flow, is it not being with who you love is all that matters, you never know what the future leads you too maybe one day his and yours desire are the same, enjoy every moment with the one you love. That way both can be more happier ... sorry if I have over stepped the line.