Advice from women on how/when to reveal my submissive tendency

[nineline]

A bit of background. I am a dominant man in the sense of the traditional masculine v feminine  roles within a relationship, with me being the provider/protector. This is true in every day life as well as the bedroom. My wife and I married young and had a fantastic 25 year marriage where I got enormous pleasure and happiness watching my wife be happy.

About 15 years in to the marriage, somehow or other the idea of her being with another man became a thing (my idea). I thought it would be nice for her to experience the butterflies in the tummy and excitement of something new. She had been with me since she was 17. It was nothing more than an occasional fantasy we discussed over about 5 years. Then one day we met an old friend of mine, she was very attracted to him, and strictly within the fun of the night out, she heavily flirted with him. She was like a giddy ***ager again. Not sure how exactly but we agreed to her going on a "date" with him some weeks later and stayed over in a hotel. She absolutely loved it, and I got a very unexpected deep pleasure from being able to give my wife that unusual opportunity. They ended up seeing each other every few months as a treat. I should add I in know way consider myself a cuckold or cuckolded. You may disagree but I felt fully in control, still dominant, but simply providing a very special and rare gift for my wife which most men wouldn't be able to. In my mind she deserved it and if I could give it to her, I should.

He was significantly bigger than me in all areas, which was part of the appeal... she was getting something new and very different. But hearing her making comparisons between us turned out to be a very unexpected turn on for me. She was never cruel but would emphasise how small I was in comparison. So, I discovered I had a kink or fetish I never imagined I would. I enjoyed the mild *** of feeling less than adequate in the area men are so paranoid about, and being teased about it. Something I have never felt in real life. It led to her acting much more dominant and taking control of me on occasion. She enjoyed the control and power, and I enjoyed submitting. It developed in to a role reversal for us every now an then as a change or escape.

Any way, my wife sadly died a few years ago, and while I've had no interest in a new relationship, I have become close to someone. We are both slipping in to the traditional masculine and feminine roles. That is definitely my overarching character and what she is probably attracted to. My question to more experienced women within this scene is, how could a man like me approach discussing this kink I have? Is she likely to understand it is strictly a fantasy or role play completely separate from my true personality? Or would she likely be turned away thinking I've perhaps been deceiving her? Would you rather hear something like this early or later in a relationship? And would it change how you see man who appears in all other respects very dominant?

It took a long and rock solid marriage for this to work in the first place so I'm nervous it would be a no go in a newer relationship and should perhaps be buried. But it's something that turned out to be a real escape for me from my normal life responsibilities and I would like to pursue it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Sorry if this post is a bit long!

Edited December 5, 2024 by nineline

[Deleted Member]

Hi, firstly I'm so sorry for your loss that must be tough for you. And secondly. Honestly I'd be up front about it. But in a delicate way. if she's any sort of a good person even if it's not her thing she shouldn't judge you for it and who knows maybe she'll think it's hot. I think choosing the right language you use to broach the subject is important. I'm probably not the best to advise on how to say it as I'm very much so as subtle as house brick due to my ASD.

I hope it goes OK whatever you decide

[Di****]

Lay down on your stomach and present yourself. If you don’t get a back rub and her frottagein’ on ya booty, maybe hit the gym or move out?
If you can’t ask and her say nah to something weird, she’s not there for you bro.

If she is not dominant at all or don’t even want to have functional communication then I’m confused?

[ey****]

Firstly; I'm sorry for your loss.

I think no matter how a relationship with any element of kink ends, it can always be something that people want back into a future relationship - but it often ignores a lot of the legwork which went into the prior relationship.

For relationships to open up by any description they first need to be rock solid which yours clearly was; this was obviously 15 years into a marriage and some other elements that worked for you came via trial and error of you both.    Unfortunately, any new relationship you cannot instantly have the foundations it takes a long time to build by magic - and, of course, you could be with someone for 5, 10, 15 years and raise an idea they simply are not into and there's not always a lot you can do about that.

For the new person, a lot depends on the context of the relationship you have with her.  

You state you do not wish for a relationship with her - but - what you're asking for her from a kink most likely relies on a relationship.   While you might ask someone for help with a fetish/kink/interest there is the ultimate question this leaves; how does that benefit her?

 

[ch****]

What I suggest to most men in your predicament is to pose hypothetical questions about it just to gage her reaction to it.
If she responds with disgust then you know she's not into it. If she entertains it even in the slightest way then there's so glimmer of hope for you. I've met/chatted with a few men who have this particular kink. & it took awhile for them to talk their gf/wives into it, but after they did, they both loved it.
It also depends on how long you've been involved with her, cause that can make a huge difference as well.

[Deleted Member]

I'm curious: did you discuss this with her yet? If so, how did it turn out?

 

(Either way, I'm firmly on the "tell her early" side.)

[nineline]

On 1/25/2025 at 7:05 PM, Griot said:

I'm curious: did you discuss this with her yet? If so, how did it turn out?

 

(Either way, I'm firmly on the "tell her early" side.)

I haven't. I'm just too worried it wouldn't work in the dynamic of our relationship. I'm probably too worried that it would completely change her perception of me. It worked with my wife because she knew me and this was purely a fantasy and fun escapism. With a newer relationship, would I scare her off? 

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, nineline said:

I haven't. I'm just too worried it wouldn't work in the dynamic of our relationship. I'm probably too worried that it would completely change her perception of me. It worked with my wife because she knew me and this was purely a fantasy and fun escapism. With a newer relationship, would I scare her off? 

Maybe, maybe not. If you're willing to be with someone who would break up with you if she knew what you wanted out of the relationship ... well, that's up to you.

[Deleted Member]

Just be open an honest about it right off of the bat. Hiding it only creates unnecessary stress, doubt, and possible friction in any relationship.

[nineline]

I suppose I am just too unsure of what I actually want. The "kink" is a small thing and not an important component of a relationship for me. It was a role reversal for me and my wife that we both enjoyed on rare occasions, I suspect because it was so different to our real lives. It was a complete make believe fantasy of escapism we could both embrace without it altering our relationship. 

In a new relationship, I'm worried the idea may offend her as why would I need a fantasy or escapism? Isn't she and our fledgling relationship enough?

You can probably tell I am completely new to this. Probably over thinking it. 

[Female_diogenes]

My condolences about your wife. Maybe just show her what you wrote describing what happened here. Because it sounds hot and sweet. If you did that for me I would be jealous and want to be her, even if she's long gone. I'd want to step in and fill the same role because she sounds like a soft Dom, kind of a sweet princess type, and that seems like a really easy role to play to me

[goon2yu]

For the married man I recommend Sophia James book titled Dominant Female Submissive Male: A Simple Guide For a Submissive Male To Find the Mistress of his Dreams. Her advice and suggestions on how to improve yourself and your marriage BEFORE divulging your fetish desires to your wife is essential reading.