Can you help me understand my kink and fantasy ?

[Deleted Member]

I’m new to all of this. Last weekend I had some major realisations.

I became more conscious of my fantasies and porn enjoyment.

I’m a straight male but I discovered a part of me that I think is submissive but I’m not sure.

I finally realised what I’m yearning for is
- to receive from a woman the same way the receptive partner in a mildly rough lesbian sex receives. Tender yet firm. Receiving the leadership, taking charge and ownership of the person in the moment.
- I have fantasies of being the center person of a female gang and they all use me for their pleasure without focusing on pleasing me. I get pleasure from the idea of being used.
- I want to feel desired by a strong woman.
- I want to feel used by her for her pleasure without worrying about me directly. Like getting indirect pleasure from being a source of pleasure for her.
- I want to feel safe and give myself over emotionally and energetically to her.
- I want to experience the woman lead the interaction.
- I want to receive without the pressure of having to take care and please the other. At least in the moment or exchange.
- I want to have a container to feel everything deeply without worrying about where it’s going to go.
- I want to feel claimed by a strong woman and feel a sense of positive ownership.
- I feel really turned on by a woman desiring me and having her way with me but in a safe and connected way. Facesitting is something that comes to mind.

For me these desires are definitely connected to my past trauma.
- My father was extremely dominating. Never tolerated failure of any kind. I could never please him not matter how much I tried and sacrificed.
- I felt my father had *** out of a sense of duty and never had any desire to spend time with me or play with me.
- I could never get him to connect with me. It felt powerless.
- There is a part in me that is craving being attended to and having attention placed on me.
- My mother was really weak and never got out of the victim role. I’m yearning for the connection of a strong woman. To take charge and positively own me.
- My mother was always stressed so I always felt like I was a burden.
- Both my parents never expressed or felt the joy of having a child so a strong woman finding pleasure from me would feel really good for me.
- I felt I was used as a kid for *** psychological needs of my parents. So I want to feel used but in a safe way where I have the ability to stop if I say a safe word etc.
- I grew up with a lot of emotional neglect so having someone attune to me would be heaven.

With regards to my current limited awareness of BDSM, I’m not sure if I’m in the right place or where to look. I thought BDSM and exploring being submissive would help me heal and process this and also offer something to someone who is looking to be more dominant.

But I’m really confused
- I’m not into ***, cuckolding or ***
- I’m not into ***.
- I don’t want to role play like a slave or pet
- I’m not into being tied up or chastity or denial
- My idea of dominance is more about taking charge, being responsible and leading with constant checking in. I seem to get turned off by the idea that it is just blindly being bossy or ordering things. I can see ordering and authority is part of it but first the trust has to be built. Yet this is what I see here the most and I’m not sure if that’s for me.
- There doesn’t seem to be some respectful caring domination or maybe I’m not the target demographic here.

Should I look to more the***utic settings to resolve what I’m looking for or is something like what I’m looking for possible here. ? Am I in the wrong place ? Am I in the right place but a minority in what I’m looking for.

Deeply appreciate if you read through and respond.

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like you have interest in a Mummy Domme/Caregiver
Someone who’s more into nurturing than the control aspect?

[be****]

Mommydom

[Su****]

Submissive = a person who derives enjoyment from pleasing / serving a dominant without any thought to their own needs. Often confused with the role of Bottom. There are very few genuine submissives.
Understanding this may help with your (and other readers) role in partnerships, your needs and what YOU CAN OFFER TO OTHERS - the latter being one of the biggest ommissions in newbies approach to the kink world.
Try not to overthink. Enjoy your journey.

[Li****]

What you describe is gentle FemDom. For me, it is easy to recognize because I find myself on the other end of it, so if you would like to find a way to explain it, this it the term I'd use.
For example, with gentle femdom, I like seeing the other person melt into a puddle before me, take care of me by being of service to me/satysfying needs (not just sexual), and looking up to me.
I find that a strong connection is made through laying a foundation of mutual respect, and that foundation is the reason why d*grading or h*miliating the other person does not make sense to me.

Just like with everything, finding the right person that ticks all the boxes takes time. Discussing things with a professional in therapy is always a good thing to do, although they aren't likely to "fix" anything. I think therapy would help you understand yourself and what you are searching for better.

[No****]

You should definitely go to therapy. It isn't your partners responsibility to heal your trauma. Also, you don't have to assign your desires to trauma, that's a misunderstanding of how sexuality works.

That said, what you are searching for is called Gentle Femdom.

The BDSM community is kinda complicated, and even tho there are people who search for creativity in relationships and authentic ways to connect, most of it is trespassed with fetishization of other people's bodies and depersonalization. I usually don't call my kink BDSM, cause my intent is to free people's sexuality (I usually call myself a liberatrix, instead of dominatrix), and it seems to me there are a lot of people using these spaces for corrupted and abusive things.

You can find what you are looking for, but you probably have to deal with your trauma in the process outside of a sexual setting for it to work out, and even for you to connect with the right people, and for them to appear in your life. Focus on being a Virtuous person, and everything will come into place. And for that, find the right therapist for you to understand your boundaries and limits, and take accountability for what you do wrong in life. You have the right to be authenticaly yourself, and that will help to attract the right people into your life for your happiness.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, NonbinaryDom-me2 said:

You should definitely go to therapy. It isn't your partners responsibility to heal your trauma. Also, you don't have to assign your desires to trauma, that's a misunderstanding of how sexuality works.

That said, what you are searching for is called Gentle Femdom.

The BDSM community is kinda complicated, and even tho there are people who search for creativity in relationships and authentic ways to connect, most of it is trespassed with fetishization of other people's bodies and depersonalization. I usually don't call my kink BDSM, cause my intent is to free people's sexuality (I usually call myself a liberatrix, instead of dominatrix), and it seems to me there are a lot of people using these spaces for corrupted and abusive things.

You can find what you are looking for, but you probably have to deal with your trauma in the process outside of a sexual setting for it to work out, and even for you to connect with the right people, and for them to appear in your life. Focus on being a Virtuous person, and everything will come into place. And for that, find the right therapist for you to understand your boundaries and limits, and take accountability for what you do wrong in life. You have the right to be authenticaly yourself, and that will help to attract the right people into your life for your happiness.

Thanks. Yes I did not want to exclusive connect trauma with sexual desires. I felt it could help me if it happened in a good and safe setting

[be****]

22 minutes ago, NonbinaryDom-me2 said:

You should definitely go to therapy. It isn't your partners responsibility to heal your trauma. Also, you don't have to assign your desires to trauma, that's a misunderstanding of how sexuality works.

That said, what you are searching for is called Gentle Femdom.

The BDSM community is kinda complicated, and even tho there are people who search for creativity in relationships and authentic ways to connect, most of it is trespassed with fetishization of other people's bodies and depersonalization. I usually don't call my kink BDSM, cause my intent is to free people's sexuality (I usually call myself a liberatrix, instead of dominatrix), and it seems to me there are a lot of people using these spaces for corrupted and abusive things.

You can find what you are looking for, but you probably have to deal with your trauma in the process outside of a sexual setting for it to work out, and even for you to connect with the right people, and for them to appear in your life. Focus on being a Virtuous person, and everything will come into place. And for that, find the right therapist for you to understand your boundaries and limits, and take accountability for what you do wrong in life. You have the right to be authenticaly yourself, and that will help to attract the right people into your life for your happiness.

You have a poor opinion

[No****]

15 minutes ago, softsubman said:

Thanks. Yes I did not want to exclusive connect trauma with sexual desires. I felt it could help me if it happened in a good and safe setting

I believe it can. I've been kinky all my life, and the things I discovered about myself and released through sexuality have molded the person I am today to a great extent. The things we are horny about are the things that move us in the World. It's a path to self actualization and spiritual initiation if done correctly.

[ph****]

No offense my man but you need a ton of therapy, nobody should have to feel the burden of all your childhood while being intimate with you. Once you’ve offloaded your emotional luggage then enjoy all the kinks your pretty little heart desires.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, phoenixrising76 said:

No offense my man but you need a ton of therapy, nobody should have to feel the burden of all your childhood while being intimate with you. Once you’ve offloaded your emotional luggage then enjoy all the kinks your pretty little heart desires.

Hey thanks for responding. I do understand your concern and I make sure to not dump my emotional baggage on others. I have done a lot of inner work and continue to do so and I feel ready to explore as I have a collection of tools to deal with all that gets triggered. When I wrote this post I did as a stream of consciousness thinking. I see it might give the impression that I’m avoiding stuff or going to bring that into my relating. I just was curious to get perspectives on whether it connects to trauma or not because I’m just really new to the feelings I’m feeling and was curious.

[Deleted Member]

20 minutes ago, NonbinaryDom-me2 said:

I believe it can. I've been kinky all my life, and the things I discovered about myself and released through sexuality have molded the person I am today to a great extent. The things we are horny about are the things that move us in the World. It's a path to self actualization and spiritual initiation if done correctly.

Yes I feel this too. It can be a great way to learn more about ourselves. I wanted to make it clear that I take responsibility for my stuff and definitely don’t intend to bring it onto others. I’m aware of a lot of my patterns and boundaries and also know how to ask for what I need in a respectful way without pressurising the other.

[Th****]

So, do you need therapy? Yes. But you're not alone there. Folks in the kink space HATE when I say this, but... Many of the folks I know and play with have kinks that directly correlate with trauma and ***. We're all in therapy to help stop the cycles of self-destruction that stem from these traumas in everyday life. We're in kink to gain the very control you're talking about wanting (plus, it feels super good, lol).
I'd say check out Md/Lb (ddlg gender reverse) It seems like you want a mommy dom. Which is totally fine! But remember to pair this with therapy so the relationship doesn't spiral into anything toxic or codependent. I wouldn't consider this rare because I've seen it play out by accident in "vanilla" relationships. But I suppose it is a bit rarer online. Most of the men who seek me out are looking for more emotionally and physically violent scenes. Less care.

Tl;dr You need a mommy dom and a therapist. Happy hunting! 🖤

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, TheNightHorde said:

So, do you need therapy? Yes. But you're not alone there. Folks in the kink space HATE when I say this, but... Many of the folks I know and play with have kinks that directly correlate with trauma and ***. We're all in therapy to help stop the cycles of self-destruction that stem from these traumas in everyday life. We're in kink to gain the very control you're talking about wanting (plus, it feels super good, lol).
I'd say check out Md/Lb (ddlg gender reverse) It seems like you want a mommy dom. Which is totally fine! But remember to pair this with therapy so the relationship doesn't spiral into anything toxic or codependent. I wouldn't consider this rare because I've seen it play out by accident in "vanilla" relationships. But I suppose it is a bit rarer online. Most of the men who seek me out are looking for more emotionally and physically violent scenes. Less care.

Tl;dr You need a mommy dom and a therapist. Happy hunting! 🖤

Yes. I feel the same way. I’m in no way intending to stop my inner work. And I’m fucking blown away at how good it feels to connect with this newly found submissive part. Thanks for the suggestions. Wish you well too.

[No****]

2 hours ago, softsubman said:

Yes. I feel the same way. I’m in no way intending to stop my inner work. And I’m fucking blown away at how good it feels to connect with this newly found submissive part. Thanks for the suggestions. Wish you well too.

Never forget you are a good boy doing your best hahahaha

(Thought you might benefit from hearing it, I don't intend anything by it besides what it means)

[Ka****]

Wow, very good conversation here. Beautiful to read, nothing to add but I feel close to you. Wish you the best

[Ed****]

All i can say is, keep positive thoughts. Keep searching and believe. You will find what you seek, good luck everyone

[Deleted Member]

Wednesday at 07:25 PM, NonbinaryDom-me2 said:

Never forget you are a good boy doing your best hahahaha

(Thought you might benefit from hearing it, I don't intend anything by it besides what it means)

I loved hearing that. Thanks.

[La****]

This is exactly my style of femdom/pleasure dom. I do not have a controlling or degrading nature and I do not relate to anything ‘mummy’. Of course doing some inner work on any trauma feelings is recommended but I also want to say this… there are some really embedded negative ideas around masculinity here. Not just in you, in society. Feels like it’s way more acceptable to say ‘I wanna be a dom and *** bitches’ than ‘perhaps it would be nice for her to take charge’. The default that the man has to always lead creates an automatic assumption that if you let go and have the woman play that role, that you’ve moved into some kind of ‘lesser’ masculinity. That it has to be trauma, fetish, sissy play etc. which is all beautiful and valid but a very limiting expression of all femdom can be. Men! You miss out on the full spectrum of sexual pleasure and deeper human intimacy if you never try to get a bit switchy! Let a woman dressed in glow ***t tie you to a chair and take advantage of you every now and again 😜

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Ladybird58 said:

This is exactly my style of femdom/pleasure dom. I do not have a controlling or degrading nature and I do not relate to anything ‘mummy’. Of course doing some inner work on any trauma feelings is recommended but I also want to say this… there are some really embedded negative ideas around masculinity here. Not just in you, in society. Feels like it’s way more acceptable to say ‘I wanna be a dom and *** bitches’ than ‘perhaps it would be nice for her to take charge’. The default that the man has to always lead creates an automatic assumption that if you let go and have the woman play that role, that you’ve moved into some kind of ‘lesser’ masculinity. That it has to be trauma, fetish, sissy play etc. which is all beautiful and valid but a very limiting expression of all femdom can be. Men! You miss out on the full spectrum of sexual pleasure and deeper human intimacy if you never try to get a bit switchy! Let a woman dressed in glow ***t tie you to a chair and take advantage of you every now and again 😜

Haha. Thanks indeed. I get what you mean. This way of feeling and relating is really new and unexpected for me and is almost the opposite of what men are expected to be. I’m not sure if I see it as lesser or better masculinity but it is different and I’m still understanding it.

[Deleted Member]

I not only want this kind of dom for myself, but this is the kind I would like to give as well.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you all. I’m new to being submissive and the way you have articulated your thoughts has really helped.