Questions

[Ar****]

What are some important questions I should be asking a prospective Dom?

[Deleted Member]

Honestly the first would be, are you married followed by will this arrangement be exclusive? Those would be the first two I would ask.

[Da****]

How long have you been doing this? How many subs have you had? What is your style of domination? Do you do after-care, and what does that mean for you? When were you tested last, can I see, and who have you been with since that time? Do you want/expect me to come immediately when you call? (Express any limits on your time or if you need personal/family time.) Do you want a relationship or just sex/dynamic? If relationship, what kind of submission outside of the bedroom would you expect?

Those are just some off the top of my head

[ge****]

Their interests, limits, boundaries, expectations, style of domination, experience and more besides - is actually no different from the kind of things you'd ask any other prospective partner, just with a kink twist.
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The list and possible questions are not exhaustive either, and it's not possible to list absolutely everything here.
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Before doing any of that though you need to understand yourself and your own submission and what it means and represents to you - because without that you can't possibly hope to see if a prospective dominant matches to you.

[Deleted Member]

Vanilla Questions for compatibility
What are their hobbies?
What was their childhood like?
What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day.
What’s their views on child rearing if you want or have ***?
Do they want or already have ***?
If you have *** can they handle that?
If you or they already have *** what role will each of you play in the ***’s lives?
Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there?
Will both of you have to have an income?
Do they have transportation?
What is their living situation?
What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education?
Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction?
Health conditions, sexual or otherwise?
What’s their biggest pet ***ve?
What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there?

Lifestyle Questions
How long in the Lifestyle?
What is your role in BDSM, and what does it mean to you?
How many Doms/subs have they had?
Why did the dynamics end?
Monogamy or poly? Do you share or want to play with others?
Real life or online?
Sadist or masochist? To what degree?
Protocols to expect?
View on the use of Safe words?
Active in the local Community?
How did you learn about BDSM? Do you feel that you still have something to learn?
What are you looking for from a relationship? (Short-term, long-term, play partners, etc.)
What are your non-negotiable terms? Hard and soft limits?
Favorite Kinks and Fetishes?
Kinks and fetishes curious about?
Tell me five things that make you angry. How do you handle being angry?
What are your thoughts on aftercare, and how do you approach it?
What are your favorite play scenes? How do you prepare for a scene?
What are your favorite tools/toys? How did you learn how to use them?
Do you like to drink before playing to loosen up?
Stance on punishment/discipline?
Types of punishment/discipline used?
What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?
Have you ever had to deal with someone who went into subspace/Dom space? What about drop?
Are you willing to do STD testing with me, so we are both safe?
Prepared to tell Full name, phone # and address before meeting.
Show identification at meeting.
Willing to meet in public one or more times, as needed.

[Deleted Member]

Don’t listen to the fantasy—get to the facts. A few I like to ask…
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What does aftercare look like to you?: if their answer is “I don’t really do aftercare,” what they really mean is they don’t care how you feel after they’re done. It’s also important to know and ask what they prefer for their own aftercare. Doms need support too.
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How do you handle it when a sub says no or sets a boundary?: If they stumble, get irritated, or act like that’s never happened, that’s a hard pass.
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What do you do to keep learning and improving as a Dominant?: If they have no answer, they’re either lazy, arrogant, or both.
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Questions are important part of vetting, but what really matters is how they react to when you ask them questions. If they ignore your questions, acted bothered, or become defensive or dismissive, congratulations—you just found a fake!
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If a Dom can’t handle basic vetting questions, they have no business expecting submission. Power comes with responsibility, and a good Dominant should have clear, thoughtful answers because they’ve done the work.

[Mx****]

I'm a Domme, but the biggest tip that I have been given as a newbie is to get plugged in with your local kink community.

FetLife is not a dating app, but it is a GREAT resource. You can sign up for free and look up local events and gatherings. Most groups, clubs, dungeons, and guilds have a screening process that varies from group to group. At the most, they will want you to attend at least 1 vanilla event (usually a munch, which is a public meet and greet) before you officially join. You definitely want to start attending munches and network at local community events in your area. Meeting other community members is a great way to not only meet people but also get feedback and recommendations on potential partners. A lot of subs will happily recommend doms they've had good experiences with and vice versa. They may also offer classes to attend, like beginner rope play.

One thing I like about my community is that they are *extremely* thorough in screening newcomers. Anyone can come to munches, but they require people to submit to background checks and STD screenings before engaging in group activities. Not every community group is this strict, but it's helpful because we live in a state with a lot of high domestic *** rates 😬

[Ta****]

Not only asking but are they asking questions. I think it is just as important for both sides to vet and get to know one another.

[typhoon2]

They'll no doubt mention their successful play sessions. Ask them about the unsuccessful ones, so that you learn how they deal with rejection, overcome unexpected changes, react to dangerous situations, own mistakes, etc.

[Deleted Member]

To add on to what everyone else has said;

 

What do you do when you are angry?

How well do you handle stress?

What's the first thing you would do in an emergency?

Do you like to jump in and try something new, or learn as much as you can about it before hand?

Have you ever gotten into fights before? How many fights have you started?

How many events they have gone to?

What is there local kink scene like?

 

These are subtle questions to check for anger issues, how safe they are, and how they would act if anything went wrong. Always check and see if they go to kinky events.  If they have been kicked out of various events; it's a major red flag.

Edited March 10, 2025 by Deleted Member
Added more clarification

[Hezzair]

I think @Little_shnoodle_doot covered the best questions.

[Ke****]

A BDSM Dynamic never implies sex. Sex is optional and only when both the Dom and sub really want it. Do not enter into a Dynamic where only one of you really want sex as part of it. Make a contract stating clearly what control the sub is giving the Dom, soft limits and hard limits. There must always be a safe word and both sub and Dom must stop the scene when either one uses it. Without a safe word, Consent can not be taken back, and removing Consent must always be possible. Consent can only be given by an adult of sound mind, not diminished by either alcohol or ***, and only for clearly defined BDSM scenes. Be sure you have all these essentials in your contract. More detail can be as as desired by one party and agreed to by the other; Other posters have enumerated many important details.

[Ar****]

Thank you, everyone. I think I'm going to need to give this some more thought as I may not be as ready as I thought I was.

[br****]

All the above, and also ensure that they (and you) understand the D/s hierarchy.

[Sidias]

I will also say to weed out any bots you get when looking is if they immediately start demanding that you follow their directions, and if course the ones asking that ask for ***

[zo****]

If they’re able to actually provide the aftercare you REQUIRE.

[Deleted Member]

There have been a lot of good answers and responses so I'm not going to rehash any of the great questions, but one I want to add is around boundaries. 

Ask them about a time that boundaries were crossed and how they responded to it.

We've all crossed boundaries (our partners or our own) at one point or another either accidentally or due to exploring and not knowing the boundary. So knowing about that time and how they responded will give you a good sense of who they are as a dom. OR, if they say they have never crossed any boundaries ever that would raise a red flag to me. 

[ey****]

While there are good questions

a lot depends here on what you want from the potential relationship 

[Deleted Member]

•How do you define a healthy D/s dynamic outside of the bedroom?

•How do you balance authority and care in a 24/7 or lifestyle D/s relationship?

•How do you incorporate D/s into mundane, everyday tasks?

•What kind of rituals or protocols do you find effective for maintaining structure?

•What are some subtle ways to rein*** dominance in public without making others uncomfortable?

•How do you navigate discipline and correction in a way that is constructive rather than punitive?

•What challenges have you faced in maintaining a 24/7 or lifestyle D/s dynamic?

•How can a submissive best support their Dominant outside of play?

•What advice would you give to a dominant / submissive that is trying to work out a long distant dynamic

[AKA_Copper]

No one can provide you with an indefinite list of questions simply because your relationship and what you want from it are your own. Equally, I don't know how I'd feel if I was getting to know someone, and the conversation was literally a game of 20 questions.
Things should happen organically. That's not to say that questions shouldn't be asked, but you need to figure out what's important to you.
The approach might be different if you were looking for a Top as opposed to a Dom.

[Co****]

What do you get for submitting yourself to him is it only sexual or do you get mental benefits and after care from them as well

[Ha****]

"When can we meet in person?" Most of them are p**sies that couldn't dominate a Beanie Baby convention

[Deleted Member]

Ask for intentions .. was with someone who proclaimed dominance only when it suited him , lied about situations and acted more like and impolite bitch . There was no safe word put into play ( even though asked and stated on the beginning by me ) , very little aftercare when a scene was over , and complained . Talked about physical interaction all the time ( intercourse) never lived up to fulfilling that part of it . Just to mention a few . My advice is state your desires , intent upfront ,be honest about your partners and let potential connections decide for themselves how they would like to be involved . It’s just rude to scam when this whole lifestyle is based on building trust .Ask questions and talk about the uncomfortable situations upfront.Just a suggestion.

[Deleted Member]

I really was welcoming input on this subject