Questioning a safe word

[Se****]

Ok, I’ll be honest I’m slightly nervous posting this as I feel it will be a little like opening Pandora’s box but I need to all the question(s).

If, at any time, a person used a safe word with you would you question them on why they’d used it?

Or, would you expect to be questioned on why you had used a safe word?

If yes (to either question) when would feel like the most appropriate timing to do this?

I can, to some extent, understand questioning a safe word to improve play in future/understand what went wrong/mitigate any concerns, worry, triggers etc but to be questioned on whether it ought to have been used or whether it was right to be used seems wrong and counter logical to me.

For the purposes of this discussion I am specifically meaning a safe word that immediately and completely stops any play etc as opposed to one which simply slows things/changes things (think red as opposed to yellow if one were using traffic lights).

Any and all thoughts welcome but please, let’s try to be kind, courteous and compassionate to each other.

Love,

X

[Tw****]

Never question whether it was right to use it, but totally ok to ask what caused them to use it and how you can avoid the situation. Probably wait until after the session. IMHO

[An****]

There’s no questioning ‘whether it should have been used’ - just stop, check in, and decide together if you need to call it or just make a small change/break before continuing.

We should be encouraging (even praising) the use of a safe word to make sure our partners know that it was not only ‘okay’ but is encouraged whenever they decide it’s necessary.

Discussions afterward about what wasn’t working for them and how they want to handle it in the future is a given. Doesn’t need to be straight away or during play, but should happen with enough proximity for an earnest discussion

[JV****]

If the questions come from any other place than empathy or concern you're playing with a narcissist and you should immediately distance yourself from that person... full stop

[Deleted Member]

Using it should never be a question.

I would feel horrible if someone wanted me to stop for whatever; but didn't out of any kind of shame.

However, I would question if what I was doing was too much for them. While I am a sadist. I'm not a total psychopath lacking empathy.

Edited March 13 by Deleted Member
Typo

[no****]

you can question the reason why it was used. but never the use! that's why there are safe words! and you only question the reason so you can get better and avoid the reason the next time. don't ever talk down the reason or try to push the other over it.

so yeah, basically what twizzler said

[Ar****]

Certainly not immediately; first steps are to stop any and all goings-on then to make sure the person who safeworded is okay. Offer support and reassurance, ask them what they need from you.

At a later point - not necessarily even the same day - I think it might be important and responsible to find out what specifically prompted the safewording so that it can be avoided in future. But that is subjective and the importance will vary with different connections and interactions, for example it would not be necessary after a one-off session between two play partners who did not know each other and were not going to see each other again. Another example might be when there are two regular partners and one has been made aware that triggers/flashes may occur which cause the other to require a scene to end immediately; no explanation should ever be pushed for in an instance like that.

Regardless, I think it's also important to respect that some people may not ever wish to share their reasons why they safeworded - and that is okay too.

[Shadow-5018]

A safe word should be questioned before its use in my personal opinion. If a sub requests to use a personal safe word, then I’ll ask why so I’ll have the knowledge. However, when I did last have a sub some years ago, we used a safe word for boundary purposes, but my sub liked edging and orgasm denial, so she would sometimes use the safe word and I’d ask why but the answers were only boundary or edging. The safe word should NEVER be question of the legitimacy of when to use it, its a safe word for a reason, it’s used for a reason and the only reason that should be understood is to keep you safe. That’s it, that’s all, anything outside of that and whatever else you agreed to, is narcissistic behavior

[Ha****]

If I use a safe word, I need to pause and regroup. It might mean that I’m finished for the rest of that time depending on the situation. I don’t mind questions but compassion is key… it’s important to use different safe words to express yourself; words that signal to slow down vs full stop or even to warn the person their actions are bringing something up that you don’t realize

[jc****]

You nailed it. Be kind and passionate. However, there should be levels of safe words because sometimes you might quit before you know how far you can go and sometimes you're going too far for the favor of your partner. Just be honest and communicate from both parties and have as much fun as possible. If the conversation afterwards and before aren't fun then you're with the wrong person.

[ca****]

The only thing that’s ever “wrong” is what you both decide. Personally, I would want to know the reasoning in order to prevent future risk of recurrence, but I would also not press any further if specifically asked not to

[Se****]

29 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Certainly not immediately; first steps are to stop any and all goings-on then to make sure the person who safeworded is okay. Offer support and reassurance, ask them what they need from you.

At a later point - not necessarily even the same day - I think it might be important and responsible to find out what specifically prompted the safewording so that it can be avoided in future. But that is subjective and the importance will vary with different connections and interactions, for example it would not be necessary after a one-off session between two play partners who did not know each other and were not going to see each other again. Another example might be when there are two regular partners and one has been made aware that triggers/flashes may occur which cause the other to require a scene to end immediately; no explanation should ever be pushed for in an instance like that.

Regardless, I think it's also important to respect that some people may not ever wish to share their reasons why they safeworded - and that is okay too.

Your last paragraph intrigues me but I also thank you for it hugely. I did not feel comfortable sharing why I safe worded and to be honest don't think I really understood it other than to say I could no longer do what was being requested of me and my “gentle” ways of refusal/lack of feeling “safe” were NOT being heard. Most, all, of these are me issues but I do like to try to learn more x

[Se****]

28 minutes ago, HappyFatLady said:

If I use a safe word, I need to pause and regroup. It might mean that I’m finished for the rest of that time depending on the situation. I don’t mind questions but compassion is key… it’s important to use different safe words to express yourself; words that signal to slow down vs full stop or even to warn the person their actions are bringing something up that you don’t realize

Yes, compassion was lacking unfortunately (at least that’s how I felt) and there was more of an accusatory manner in the questions thrown at me. I get that me using it may have startled them but that doesn’t mean I need to be blamed for using it - I was already feeling bad enough. 

[Ha****]

28 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Yes, compassion was lacking unfortunately (at least that’s how I felt) and there was more of an accusatory manner in the questions thrown at me. I get that me using it may have startled them but that doesn’t mean I need to be blamed for using it - I was already feeling bad enough. 

I’m so sorry you went through that! Never feel bad for your boundaries and letting others know when they have crossed them. Safe words protect your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. Anyone who questions that is a huge red flag.

[Sa****]

Remember consent can be withdrawn at any point without explanation. The moment someone makes you feel belittled for using safe word or feeling unsafe or uncomfortable by the questioning, then you are indeed not safe and you need to find a new partner. Reading your responses it does sound very narcissistic behaviour.
You NEVER have to apologise for calling safe words. Never... and if they find that you are the problem, instead of figuring out what both of you did wrong, then that is a huge red flag.
Stay safe, find a new partner x

[De****]

It’s very healthy to discuss why a safe word was used. This was all parties can understand the limits and adjust in the future. However, FIRST all play stop immediately. Then you should proceed to after care. All parties should affirm that they are grateful the safe word was used when things became to much. After all parties are in a calm and safe space you can discuss it. I would make sure the discussion does not include judgement and/or disappointment.

[De****]

3 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Your last paragraph intrigues me but I also thank you for it hugely. I did not feel comfortable sharing why I safe worded and to be honest don't think I really understood it other than to say I could no longer do what was being requested of me and my “gentle” ways of refusal/lack of feeling “safe” were NOT being heard. Most, all, of these are me issues but I do like to try to learn more x

It makes sense that you might not know why something was too much for you, just you know that it was not working. You should always feel safe. I would recommend that if you feel comfortable with it, maybe looking internally to understand why that happens. This could better arm you and give you a better understanding of what your boundaries are in the future. However , if your partner made you feel judged for using a safe word (which is awful behavior) you should stay away from them. Also, if you feel that your partner was not someone you could openly discuss your vulnerabilities with, they might not be the right person for you.

[ey****]

So; if someone uses a safe word and you stop the scene (the right thing to do)

I don't think it's bad to discuss this as part of aftercare, so long as it doesn't come across negative ("WHY DID YOU SAFEWORD?!") but from a place of care and understanding (What happened? Was I going too hard? Are you OK?)

[Ba****]

If I had to use it, I would expect it to be respected in that moment and reacted to immediately. I would also consider it important to discuss what happened and why I’d used it. So, more of a debrief and not really questioning. And certainly not in the moment.

[Se****]

Thank you all, you’re all saying pretty much what I thought and believed but don’t seem to be able to trust myself enough to verbalise and stick up for myself - if that makes sense.

I appreciate all of your responses. 

[Vi****]

I’m a sub and I use the old tried and true red, yellow, green.

Red=absolutely not, everything stops right now.
Yellow = this is not working for me, I don’t want to stop but something needs to change. Let’s pause.
Green= Hell to the yes keep going!

But at any time you should be able to discuss things. That’s part of getting to know your partner, it should work both ways. At least that’s how I feel

[Mi****]

5 minutes ago, VioletMoonWhispers said:

But at any time you should be able to discuss things. That’s part of getting to know your partner, it should work both ways. At least that’s how I feel

I disagree with this. I think that you should absolutely be able to discuss things at almost any time. But immediately following a "red" is not the time or place to ask about it. The only exception to that should be if the person who called red starts that discussion. Otherwise, wait until the next day when you're checking in to see how they're doing. If you're living together, that might change, but expecting anyone to be able to discuss every "red" immediately is just cruel to many of us.

[cl****]

It should be expect it. Own that u have a safe word. And it can be as silly as u want. My safe word our family safe word. U have to know it for my kids to trust u. Guys crack up when they hear it. So make it whinni the pooh of u want. I like that. Im changing my safe word now!! Lol. 🤣🤣🤣💚💚💚