RedheadForever Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Hey everyone. New to the site, but I’ve tried various types of fun over the last 5 years, interspersed with monogamous relationships. My major kinks *have been* exhibitionism, so webcam, parties and sex clubs, voyeurism, and group sex. I’ve always wanted a monogamous relationship, but was realistic about the view that it was unlikely to come from a casual relationship. More recently I’ve realised I don’t want to do the group thing anymore, I want one person to have fun with. I am also firmly anti sub Dom, which is something he said he liked sexually, but I said I don’t want. Along with mind blowing sex, I appear to have developed something deeper with the man I have been seeing, and he returns those feelings about both the sex and being together in a relationship. Unexpected. He’s intelligent, empathic, we talk. But! He told me about his fantasies, and they’re scenarios I don’t want. I explained that, but he keeps bringing them up, pushing at trying them together. I have pointed out what he’s doing, and he says they are his fantasies, always have been and he feels that he wouldn’t be being true to himself if he doesn’t experience them, and his ideal is to experience them with me. We’re currently in lockdown, this morning we were sexting and he made a Dom reference to me. I felt annoyed, and told him to stop bringing us back to this and again reiterated my hard limits - no sub Dom, and no other people being involved. He went very quiet. I’ve requested a few days contact break while he decides whether his desire for those things is greater than being with me, and he’s agreed. Am I being selfish? If I really liked him, would I want him to fulfil his fantasies, even if they made me unhappy? Am I being unfair, making him choose between his fantasies and me? The sex we have is definitely not vanilla, and we have plenty of things we’re yet to try, that don’t push my boundaries in a way that upsets me.
ey**** Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 so. you're not being selfish even if you WERE happy with a D/s arrangement you still wouldn't be obliged to do fantasies you weren't happy with if that's not your part of the dynamic. he has to choose what is more important to him; his fantasies, or you. And... I guess, the thing is. The best experiences are with someone who enjoys them (or consensual non-enjoys them) and so I don't know why anyone would push to do something with someone that is a non-consenusal non-enjoyment too many flags here for me.
RedheadForever Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 Thank you for your reply. I’m preparing to be told he doesn’t want to continue. Not a great prospect, but I’ll survive! If there’s anything this coronavirus has taught me, it’s what is important, and being happy and healthy and expecting nothing less than that.
ey**** Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 something I've said elsewhere about CV it can certainly tell you who is worth keeping hold of and who it's worth getting rid of.
Deleted Member Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 I agree with eyemblacksheep it's concerning that he persists given you have made it clear just in this post how much you do not want to do it. I find it hard to believe that you have not made it a clear no to him in your relationship so again it's not a good sign that he keeps pushing it. Truth be told (and I know this sounds harsh) but if he truly cared about you he would be upset if he upset you and would try to avoid that. Simple example I have a dark sense of humour yet if I ever make a joke that makes a friend or partner uncomfortable I will make a mental note to avoid jokes in that area around them. He seem to be doing to opposite and hoping to wear you down. This is a major red flag as if he's going to do this over one kink it shows potential to do it in other areas of the relationship. There's nothing wrong with questioning yourself as it's clear you are after that loving relationship that many of us look for. However finding that is a long and tough road. There's going to be bumps but you can overcome these. The truth is once you find the right person all the negative experiences will help to highlight all the great qualities that person has and make you appreciate the relationship even more.
Deleted Member Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Well you are not into a relationship with him and doesn’t want a D/s one for the start. So no contract or obligation as such. It’s up to you now to balance what’s best for your future with him as he will carry on being frustrated. Sometime we do sacrifice for the one we love and care too!
cautiousswitch Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 There is some level of D/s in every relationship, even the most vanilla. Somebody initiates or leads the situation. So the question is what level of D/s are we talking about? You're moving away from voyeurism/exhibitionism but still practicing non-vanilla sex, but don't want D/s - my best guess is he's trying to introduce BDSM into the relationship and you don't want to. He wouldn't be true to himself if he didn't experience them makes me think that he hasn't experienced them yet. That he has scenarios worked out makes me think that he wants to jump into it without a learning curve. Your problem is that if you explain it to him like this then he will start asking you to start on the minor stuff and work up to one of his scenarios. Limits can shift and your not wanting to D/s with him now doesn't mean that you won't want to do D/s with him later, but that's something that you've got to decide on without being pressured. If it is BDSM that he's looking for and he doesn't get the concept of limits then he is not ready for it. Find a few BDSM sites that discuss limits and point them out to him.
RedheadForever Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the views. I like receiving ***, in the form of spanking, and this can be hard, leaving marks. I enjoy breath play. He wants collars and gags, face slapping, restraints, withheld orgasms, en***d orgasms...the list goes on. I liked the idea of rope play, and being tied up, but then it became about me being tied down so I can’t move - it felt subordinate, so I said no. Rather than the fun of restricted movement and sex including a new sensation. I don’t want gags, so then he’s putting his hand over my mouth, talking about using a belt, putting it around my neck...and then I feel guilty because it feels like I’m always saying no. I’ve tried it with others, it’s not me. He has tried Dom sub with other partners, and enjoys ***, giving and receiving, and especially likes being sub himself. The idea of me trying to Domme him makes me cringe! 9 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said: There is some level of D/s in every relationship, even the most vanilla. Somebody initiates or leads the situation. I agree with the first point in terms of initiation, and who ‘drives’. I want to avoid either of us handing over control. ***. ***. I’m sure people will argue with me as he did, and say we can have a full Dom sub relationship without those elements being felt, but - I don’t want to-.
cautiousswitch Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 The grey area between the rope play you like and not wanting to be tied down may be a bit fuzzy, otherwise your limits are clear. D/s can be sensual and nurturing, but it sounds like he is only interested in *** which is clearly against your limits. Back to the original question - Setting limits that you expect a lover to respect is not selfish. Wanting to be with this man is not selfish as long as you accept that he is free to leave the relationship if he chooses to.
Deleted Member Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Please stand firm to what you want. You are fully entitled to say no and to have boundaries. His fantasies do not have to become your fantasies. It makes me so sad that women think it's up to them to please their partner and adjust their boundaries.... that's just wrong. And him pushing you, pressuring you on it - that is VERY wrong. Kick him to the curb. I know you have feelings for him, and it won't be easy, but there are too many red flags here.
Deleted Member Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 You have to do what feels right fir yourself. I find it funny that he calls himself a Dom but doesn't respect your limits. Don't give in to what you believe in but if you feel he is the one fir you some compromise on both sides is key.
Brittone2 Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Lot of negatives if you don't like his fantasies you certainly aren't going to want experience them..If he's so intelligent how has he not worked out how upset you are ..it's because he doesn't care
CuriousShy Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 RedheadForever I'm new to this, but in any lifestyle we each have our own boundaries. Each one of us needs to respect others boundaries. If you don't want to do something then don't. He can accept it or go away. You should never do anything even if your pressured. And if they can't understand that then it's time to move on.
RedheadForever Posted March 28, 2020 Author Posted March 28, 2020 16 hours ago, CuriousShy said: RedheadForever I'm new to this, but in any lifestyle we each have our own boundaries. Each one of us needs to respect others boundaries. If you don't want to do something then don't. He can accept it or go away. You should never do anything even if your pressured. And if they can't understand that then it's time to move on. I’ve been tying myself in knots thinking - I like this element, but not that. Why don’t I? - but the answer is, I just don’t. And the more I’m pushed, the more I don’t want to. I’m stubborn 😊 Once we’ve had our contact break, I’ll say that. Thanks everyone x
qu**** Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 You don't have to like everything, just things you enjoy, anyone that says the opposite isn't worth knowing, that's whether it's BDSM, kink, fetish or plain but enjoyable vanilla, YOU and your desires are the important thing, and there are more that will accept this than not, and again, those that don't aren't worth knowing
Frankjrr69 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 I’ve learned to give my partner what they want and very willing to take care of there fantasies the best way possible until it’s out of there system!!! Yea you’re being selfish. Sorry. It’ll all work out.
ey**** Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 8 minutes ago, Frankjrr69 said: I’ve learned to give my partner what they want and very willing to take care of there fantasies the best way possible until it’s out of there system!!! Yea you’re being selfish. Sorry. It’ll all work out. it's cool if that's your dynamic - but, nope - it's not universal. It also only works if you ultimately have a partner you know would never ask you to overstep the lines you'd still ultimately have (which can vary between relationships.)
Deleted Member Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 I dont think you're selfish per say of what you've mentioned. Do i think it's a pinch unfair? Yes. I found it frustrating when i couldn't be myself or get what i wanted with my ex. I think each of you should accept each other. But there should be compromise. Even when i struggle with a fantasy with my partner, i go this one may not be for me but this one is for him. Sometimes i pause, i go, are my needs and wants being met? If yes, i think I'll humor him. I have a very good understanding with my partner. And sometimes even im having to test my boundaries. It's hard having both. Having the person and the fantasy. You need to know what you think about your partner and what you feel at your core. That is your compass. In my opinion, it shouldnt be a lot of work. Because with my ex, it was. And with my partner now it is a lot more open. Do i get a little shy about things? Sure. But it's my job to communicate things to him if things arent going well. Is he worth it? You need to decide that.
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