Polyamory?

[Da****]

Pretty sure my ex-wife is polyamorous

[ey****]

11 hours ago, Ken-Park-Rapids-MN said:

Over half of marriages end in divorce. Cheating by both men and women is quite common. The natural solution is ethical non-monogamy (ENM). ENM is a perfect fit with kink and D/s dynamics where ethical behavior is the rule and not the exception.

I'm going to say a little - regardless of if someone is mono or any shade of non-mono : the vast majority of relationships end.    Something maybe folk don't always think about - but unless the *first* person someone dates becomes their life partner - then even if their second does, 50% of their relationships ended.   Someone who ends up with their third partner as a life partner has still had 66% of their relationships end.

Similarly in non-mono while the average length is higher, there is still a lot of relationships that will fall by the wayside for whatever reason.   I'd half argue the 40-hour-work-week is not friendly towards non-mono relationships - consider that modern workers work longer hours and have fewer holidays than even medieval peasants.  I know there's a lot of the old 'google calendar' jokes - but this is a challenge why a lot of non-mono set ups won't work for some people.

With cheating it is sometimes a case of why people cheat.   In some cases it's because their relationship has become 'loveless' but for whatever reason one or both does not wish to break up (especially if offspring are involved, ill-health of one person, or financial security) and while non-mono might solve some of the issues - the relationship has run it's course and this would be true for people in either mono or non mono.  While it might not be cheating if it's non-mono, it's still retaining a relationship which should end.

In other cases, sure... "I want to explore kink but my partner isn't into it" yep, better with their blessing to see other people than behind their back.  And assorted other scenarios.   But even then, while it would be non-mono rather than poly, a common associating with cheating is it can be on the cheaters time, rather than the regular commitment to building a relationship.

I guess, also, per a post elsewhere - there was a guy who is into cheating because he enjoys the secrecy, the not being able to tell anyone and the sneaking around - this is still going to happen in or out of non mono for someone that enjoys it.

I think there's a lot I will defend non mono on. But I think there's a lot of arguments which don't help.   

[Da****]

You're not wrong sir. Perhaps the traditional models aren't meant for today's society.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Daddydom607 said:

You're not wrong sir. Perhaps the traditional models aren't meant for today's society.

it's funny in the sense that - humans are historically polyamorous and that notion towards monogamy has only been 'the norm' for 1000 years (a long time in some ways, a short in the history of the world) but while a lot of theories get touted by academic groups (often  by monitoring other mammals) no one *actually* knows why humans evolved towards monogamy  

So the conditions that made polyamorous the norm, changed - although the idea/preference never died - so there's been those poly throughout - working, however.

I guess it doesn't help that most of our lives all the media, teachings, etc. we've had has been based on monogamy, (and heteronormativity) so people who would potentially be better in some form of non monogamous set up, have had monogamy taught as not only the default, that there's no real alternatives.

I think because of this there are a lot of myths against non-mono, but similarly, there are those for whom it works for who also tout myths.   Even when poly was the norm, there were still those monogamous for whatever reason - but mostly, that it was best for them

[Ag****]

Well I can't speak to others motivations but mine are pretty simple honestly. I want to passionately pursue all the beauty the world has to offer. I live my life by the guiding principle that "I drink deeply from many cups." I want to watch those I am passionate about throw themselves into the depths of their desires and find new truths about themselves they may have never known. I want to be present as their desire hits it's event horizon and they give in to one another's touch.

[Ar****]

It's called not being judgemental towards others. society is evolving and if one doesn't change with the times and the new normal, you will look like the cave man in the future society.

[bi****]

So a thought on why humans evolved towards monogamy could be nothing more than a control tactic one that's been embedded in our minds for generations as the right thing.
humans (some not all) unfortunately have a bad habit of wanting to be in control of everything and everybody and most of us forget or don't realize or through our own human arrogance refuse to except the fact that we're part of the natural world. Maybe that's why, its simply to put ourselves above the other living things out there in a feeble attempt to be different and to bolster our own superior image of ourselves we're the only species that really bucks the natural equilibrium around us materiallistc possessions in this world held so dear to our hearts that really have no bearing what so ever in the real

[sn****]

That’s such a sharp observation, and honestly, it’s something I’ve been wondering about too. Maybe it’s less about kink or polyamory specifically, and more about people actively choosing relationships that reflect their values instead of defaulting to what society told them was “normal.” When people start questioning one rule, it’s easier to question others — especially in communities that center consent and communication. I’d love to hear more of your perspective on this, especially as someone newer to the scene — sometimes fresh eyes catch things the rest of us miss

[ey****]

1 hour ago, biloxi57672 said:

So a thought on why humans evolved towards monogamy could be nothing more than a control tactic one that's been embedded in our minds for generations as the right thing.

that in itself would imply that people who practice non monogamy are "wrong" or "bad" 

[ey****]

Some of the theories btw

A lot revolve around mating and reproduction

Biparental care comes up a lot - that there's more chance of survival if two parent are caring than one; but then further studies suggests that developed AFTER monogamy became more common, not before

It was theorised that a man being away from his offspring could put his offspring at risk of neglect or being killed by another male partner who wants theirs to strive - however, again, little evidence to back this as a main driver

STI's sometimes come up - because early poly groups were maybe 10 people, but in further and larger communities, the network could expand putting more people at risk.  There may be a little truth there - but again in modern times, some people just restrict their group to lower this risk

Scarcity of partners comes up, which I think may have truth in - that there were some communities as time shifted where men outnumbered women, or vice versa, and this influenced relationships.  Of course, there wouldn't be global imbalance.

Imposed monogamy - which was established in Greece and Rome, as well as Christianity within the Roman Empire - partially for military advantage - that fewer men would then leave for further partners meaning they could fight in battles and pay taxes.  As Christianity rose, it promoted monogamy (despite multiple partners being common in the Bible) 

But general societal changes - the changes to work, cities, etc. that society moved away from village communities and the bonds they had - and that one person could often now do what a whole village was once needed for.

Perhaps... one thing leading to non-monogamy being on a slight rise, is a lot of the protections and security that coupledom was given are eroding.  So without the benefits there, people aren't as drawn into it? However, most would hypothesis increased media coverage (but coverage in itself increases because more people are practicing) but non mono has never really gone away and maybe there is an uptick, but it's not new 

[Deleted Member]

It's reflective of the dating climate. I think pretty much all the mainstream dating apps have some sort of enm/poly relationship status now.

[2f****]

I have noticed that certain States and areas have it worse than others. I traveled around a little bit and it seems my local area has more than the average

[ca****]

I've never been able to share my partners. I've dated ppl who were swingers in the past. Their friends hit on me openly and it would make me uncomfortable. Some people are willing to live with, learn about and go to certain lengths in order to learn and care about their partners needs. The fact that so many.ppl are willing to give up or settle so quickly is the reason that most are willing to sleep with others.

I've slept with women and watched their cuck there .... staring... I would never be able to be in his position. If I invest myself long term we're going all the way.

[St****]

In my opinion and lot of people confuse poly gamy with poly amory.
Poly gamy just means you f**k several people.
While poly amory you have romantic feelings for several people.
Personally I am a monoamorous person that is poly gamous.
I will always love just my partner but if I cannot provide some of the carnal things I shouldn't stop my partner from seeking those out.
And I expect the same back, one is just sex. The other is love.

[li****]

It’s the millennial bullsh*t …. It’s what the scene is like now

[li****]

They all want relationships but don’t want to put the work in or have there cake and pie and eat it to

[Ed****]

Really depends on the person. I've been polyamorous for about 14 years, and with an anchor partner for most of that. We've had a lot of ups and downs but we've also had a constant open line of communication throughout. I've had three other fairly long-term partners throughout that journey. I've also had a bunch of other short-term partners throughout that journey.

A lot of people use the label poly to basically excuse shitty behavior. I suspect less than half of the people using the label polyamory over the internet are actually putting in the work to sustain multiple serious relationships. Most people just use it as an excuse to say they're allowed to fuck other people without actually worrying about any emotional fallout from that

[Ke****]

I disagree. People are inherently polyamorous. Monogamy is a label we as a society place on ourselves to convince ourselves that we behave better than most ***s. We use our unique ability to talk to select our mates, but that is not enough for most people to distinguish themselves from ***s. We don't even mate for life typically when we do try to be monogamous, falling short of a few *** species that are truly monogamous. People will often behave badly whether or not they claim the polyamory or monogamy label.

[Ke****]

I hate this excessive filtering of words on these public chats. Just another good reason to leave this app.

[sa****]

True statement in my opinion it right on it!

[TheDarkKnight79]

Polygamousness isn't restricted to the BDSMverse.

Last time I looked, half of all marriages end in divorce. I'm willing to bet that a high proportion of those divorces cite "infidelity." I'm also willing to bet that there is a high level of infidelity in the remaining 50%.

People who claim the term "polygamous" are just honest, and it saves hurt feelings of their spouses

[ey****]

On 3/31/2025 at 11:29 AM, lick-a-ton said:

It’s the millennial bullsh*t …. It’s what the scene is like now

Actually - everything we know as modern kink, communities, etc was founded on the back of non-monogamous set ups.

it isn't what the scene is like *now* it's what it was founded on the back of. 

[ey****]

On 3/31/2025 at 11:30 AM, lick-a-ton said:

They all want relationships but don’t want to put the work in or have there cake and pie and eat it to

quite the opposite. Monogamous put their work into just one relationship (if you call it 'work') folk who are non-mono put work into several.  

I appreciate you're new to kink, but you can put in a little effort to do research. 

[DarkArts1066]

As with any potential relationship change, it’s important to feel that One can communicate openly and transparently without *** of sanction.
Broaching the subject can quite often be the hardest part of the whole process… You might be surprised at what a persons needs and desires actually are within a relationship -and I know of several situations where that conversation was had, and BOTH parties ended up happier as a result of doing so.

Boredom can creep in, especially where sex and intimacy are concerned.
When that happens, some people begin to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

These can -to some degree, be attributed to natural hormonal needs and desires, and are not just limited to one sex or Gender.

For example, in Males, a drop in testosterone can lead to a lack of desire or physical ability where sex is concerned.
In Women, Menopause can create the same psychological and physical results.

A person has choices.

Separate from a partner, with all of the grief and stress that creates, and attempt to satisfy those unrequited desires with another person.

Or, -controversially for some, have that open and honest conversation with your partner, and attempt to find some common ground or compromise.
That might take the form of introducing another partner or partners into the mix, -as a sexual AND emotional partner, or perhaps, just to fulfil a sexual need.

I have fulfilled examples of all of these scenarios for others over the Years, and also been that person whose personal needs weren’t being met by my partner… so I have seen both sides of that particular coin.

It works for some, and not for others.
The key though, is taking that first step, having that open conversation - without conflict or retribution, communicating openly, and deciding what works for all parties together.

That’s my own perspective on the subject.

[ta****]

I was with a polymerase woman after my divorce there was an amazing amount of love from her but it wasn't stable so I left