Trauma and how it shaped us.

[Ca****]

Everyone at some point in their lives has experienced a form of trauma. Whether it being physical, emotional, or mental. I was ***d to relive my own trauma recently and I'm curious about how the people in this community deal with, or suppress their traumas.

Back when I was in college, I went out with a group of friends to a club. The bartender was a school friend and she would slip us beers for an extra 60 bucks. We were all pretty buzzed by the end of the night and one of the guys in the group picked a fight with an opposing college football team. After some rowdiness and yelling we took it outside were it turned into a free for all slugs fest. I was the unlucky recipient of a knife to the chest. It slid between my 3rd and 4th ribs and punctured my lung causing it to collapse. This all was 4 years ago and I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I was just in another similar position and the events came back as if they just happened yesterday and I wanted yalls opinion on how you handle your trauma, ir share it with a significant other?

[TightandHard]

For me personally, I've lost a best friend to *** and my brother to an industrial accident. In the case of my best friend, I had mutual friends that really didn't let me out of their sight much at all. It seemed a bit much at the time but having them around really did help a lot. It took me some time to talk about it though. In the case of my brother, I relied more on family. Fortunately I come from a fairly close family so everyone pulled together pretty well. I also had friends to support, which helped too. However it took me a very long time to really sit down & discuss it with those who I knew well, it was actually easier for me to discuss it with people online, kind of like I'm doing now. I'm not sure why, was just easier for me to do it that way, maybe becuase emotions really came out when I discussed it face to face with someone. I probably just rambled on but I hope something in that was helpful, or hit me up if you want to get more off your chest.

[Wo****]

I was ***d when I was 17. My first sexual experience.
I'm 50 in July. I still haven't actually talked about it. Write, yes, loads, but actually saying the words out loud, not yet.
Most people that are close to me know, and I'll discuss it like thi, to strangers but it's hard to open up that much, to do it verbally.

I was lucky that I was able to turn it into something positive. Only ever had one flashback.

Handling it? Mixture of burying it, refusal to talk about it, if I didn't think about it, it didn't happen kinda thing. I started writing how I felt, gradually let other people know and started to understand (and believe) that it wasn't my fault. My biggest obstacle was that when I was ***d I came. That screwed with my head for years.
Took me all this time to accept it all.

If you ever want someone to vent to, drop me a message. Hugs to you xxc

[Sy****]

I'm just nitpicking but, what makes you think everyone has experienced trauma in their life? To be honest, I would think most people have never had to, actually.

[Deleted Member]

@cayde-6 Have you come across EMDR therapy? A friend of mine had a similar traumatic incident and this helped him hugely.

[Deleted Member]

Sycc: IME a good proportion of kinksters have experienced sexual trauma if not other trauma. Kink can be quite the***utic.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Sycc said:

I'm just nitpicking but, what makes you think everyone has experienced trauma in their life? To be honest, I would think most people have never had to, actually.

wrong, birth is your first trauma 

[Deleted Member]

I always make sure during the last step of connection and before sessions with a sub, I asked her if she had anything to say, and I emphasised about the anything. Its always best to know any past trauma than triggered it during a session. 

[li****]

I've had many past traumas and sometimes I do get triggers ect that will give me a flashback but it's very rare it happens. I had an abusive ex that I was with for years, he mentally, physically and emotionally ***d me. I was ***d by him hence why *** play or CNC is a no for me as it brings back that trigger/flashback ect. So yes I've moved on and in a better place and in a much healthier relationship now with my Dom, I made sure that I told him those things that happened to me so they went straight on my hard limits list things like *** play/CNC also knifes are a trigger for me as that's what he used to threaten me, even down to something silly like bruises give me a trigger ( that was from another trauma experience I had which was my first ever D/s experience) so you do find a lot of sub types within BDSM/kink do have past experience in trauma and I've spoken to many others about this too. I talk to my Sir at the end of every play to tell him what I liked and what I didn't and he of course knows my hard limits and has never pushed them on me, we of course talk about them every now and again but he knows they will never be involved in a play even though of course I trust him 100% I don't want him pulling a knife out and then me having a flashback and then having a panic attack. I may be able to deal with it in time ect but for now I definitely know we can't have those things in play.

Edited April 6, 2020 by lil-monster

[Deleted Member]

Well, I've never experienced any real trauma, except a self-induced one. I hated who I was, and tried to fix myself with kinda crude methods. Example: Fixing oversensitivity by loading myself with negative emotions until I went numb.

Well, my fixing attempts eventually turned me into what I am now. I have a limited ability to feel, no self-love, and an abusive negative approach towards myself. My inability to allow myself to feel positive is so severe, that I have to dissociate to enjoy things. That's why roleplaying is my favorite activity. In fact, I'm rarely my true self.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Well, I've never experienced any real trauma, except a self-induced one. I hated who I was, and tried to fix myself with kinda crude methods. Example: Fixing oversensitivity by loading myself with negative emotions until I went numb.

Well, my fixing attempts eventually turned me into what I am now. I have a limited ability to feel, no self-love, and an abusive negative approach towards myself. My inability to allow myself to feel positive is so severe, that I have to dissociate to enjoy things. That's why roleplaying is my favorite activity. In fact, I'm rarely my true self.

I never experienced but I hate myself? In your first sentence you contradict yourself and admit one deep trauma 

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I never experienced but I hate myself? In your first sentence you contradict yourself and admit one deep trauma 

Well, the only thing that "traumatized" me, was I myself. I don't really classify it as a legit trauma.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

55 minutes ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Well, the only thing that "traumatized" me, was I myself. I don't really classify it as a legit trauma.

For sure you must had some kind of bad experience to refuse accepting yourself 

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

For sure you must had some kind of bad experience to refuse accepting yourself 

Well, only mundane bullying. I've always been hated for being different. That's what awakened the thoughts of being faulty and needing repairs.

But I wasn't traumatized by my bullies. They just highlighted my flaws. I wasn't even afraid of them. After few "repairs", they started to avoid me, since I became "cold and disturbing", according to them.

[Wo****]

52 minutes ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Well, only mundane bullying. I've always been hated for being different. That's what awakened the thoughts of being faulty and needing repairs.

But I wasn't traumatized by my bullies. They just highlighted my flaws. I wasn't even afraid of them. After few "repairs", they started to avoid me, since I became "cold and disturbing", according to them.

It wasn't "mundane" 

Why does different mean faulty? Why is it you that's faulty and not them? 

They highlighted your flaws? No they didn't, they targeted your insecurities. Bullies don't highlight flaws they try and squash what scares them.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Why does different mean faulty? Why is it you that's faulty and not them? 

I have a toxic perfectionism. Anything that caused me trouble was unwanted, and needed to be fixed. My sensitivity made me hurt over little things, so I lowered my emotional capacity. My impulsive reactions got me ridiculed, so I adopted a stoic and silent approach. I trusted too easily and got hurt in the end, so I restricted my trust to never give it fully to anyone.

 

49 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

They highlighted your flaws? No they didn't, they targeted your insecurities. Bullies don't highlight flaws they try and squash what scares them.

I know what is often said about bullies, but it is rarely true. I had no "special" talents. I wasn't "unique" in a good way. I literally just sat in the classroom and studied like anybody else. They just hated me for not playing their game of petty "coolness". And made fun of my former sensitive reactions.

In no way I "scared" them. They started to be a bit afraid only after I changed.

[Wo****]

10 minutes ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

I have a toxic perfectionism. Anything that caused me trouble was unwanted, and needed to be fixed. My sensitivity made me hurt over little things, so I lowered my emotional capacity. My impulsive reactions got me ridiculed, so I adopted a stoic and silent approach. I trusted too easily and got hurt in the end, so I restricted my trust to never give it fully to anyone.

 

I know what is often said about bullies, but it is rarely true. I had no "special" talents. I wasn't "unique" in a good way. I literally just sat in the classroom and studied like anybody else. They just hated me for not playing their game of petty "coolness". And made fun of my former sensitive reactions.

In no way I "scared" them. They started to be a bit afraid only after I changed.

There is so much in this...

I don't know what to say..

Are you an empath?

I know what it's like to hurt, often over the smallest thing. I cried for days over being called a teabag when I had measles. Impulsive behaviour... did it hurt anyone? Was it dangerous?

A thing on trust. Someone once told me they'd never ask me to trust them, it was something I had to decide. Or rather, something they either were or weren't.

 

You didn't join in with the bullying, you were sensitive. That scared them.

 

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

There is so much in this...

I don't know what to say..

Are you an empath?

I know what it's like to hurt, often over the smallest thing. I cried for days over being called a teabag when I had measles. Impulsive behaviour... did it hurt anyone? Was it dangerous?

A thing on trust. Someone once told me they'd never ask me to trust them, it was something I had to decide. Or rather, something they either were or weren't.

Yes, I am an empath. Though my empathy now has a switch, and a restriction to not feel too much.

 

7 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

You didn't join in with the bullying, you were sensitive. That scared them.

Sensitivity doesn't scare anyone. Bullies *** only coldness. They're still emotional, and need to feed their hungry ego. Something that doesn't feel is scary to them, because it's a worse monster than them. Like I said, they started being afraid only after I changed my approach.

[Wo****]

I discovered recently, like a week or so ago, that I'm an empath too. 

I can't stop feeling, can't switch it off. Not sure I want too either, tbh. I find ways of processing them, accepting them, living with them. I'd rather get hurt 100 times and not hurt 10 than not feel at all.

[Vandalslut]

The Vandal lost his brother to *** - at least, that was the coroner's verdict.  What we have wondered is if he may have been playing an auto-eroticism choking game that went wrong, given the plans he had been making and where the '***' occurred.  The Vandal still cannot bring himself to visit his brother's grave after 20 years.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2017 and was told I'd have to have a double mastectomy followed by chemo, but instead it was decided that I'd become somewhat of a science project for the new and improved to the nth degree drug Herceptin, so I was put on that - the result was that within three months the cancer had been well and truly killed off.  So no double mastectomy.  I had the Vandal, dear and good friends, wonderful family all supporting me and that meant more than I can ever express to those beautiful souls.  Cancer is a lonely trip - all the physical side effects of hair loss, aches and ***s, bizarre eating patterns, depending on others for the simplest things sometimes - and the emotional uproar all these things cause is unbelievable and inexplicable. The trip through cancer turned my former beliefs, perceptions and priorities on their heads.  That was the best thing that could have happened - I found out what was really vital, what wasn't and am still living by the motto, 'Carpe Diem'. And this quote from Stephen King sums it up: “No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't."

All of us here - we all came out the other side. So it's up to us what we do with what we learnt in that blue and lonely section of hell.

Edited April 7, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Vandalslut]

6 hours ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Bullies *** only coldness.

Well, only mundane bullying. I've always been hated for being different. But I wasn't traumatized by my bullies.

Bullies *** indifference - which is also coldness, I suppose. They don't get a reaction or a result and that's what they need. I was also made fun of being different; being 'flawed'; and it seemed every time I trusted someone it turned out that the joke was on me - again. I found that sort of idiotic behaviour  certainly disappeared as school days were left behind. I know those days are well over, but for you, Sidorax, you still seem to be in the class room and it's Groundhog Day  - it just repeats. No bullying is mundane and since you are where you are now, with the beliefs you express about yourself, then you were traumatised by your bullies. You've been traumatised into coldness, self hate and restricting your emotions and reactions so you can't be made fun of again. Your bullies won - and they're still winning.

[Wbl20]

Its strange for me to write this online, I’ve never done it before.
I was molested around the age of 8 years old, my actual memories didn’t start long before that. Im 22 now. It was around the time my mother got cancer and pushed through radiation, chemo and a surgery to remove a 750 grams heavy tumor from her thyroid gland in her neck, while her own *** radiated out of her and onto everything around. The issue is, im emotionally (I think) completely detached from it all, even the years that came after, where up until mid ***age years, I was bullied and balckmailed, constantly, by peers and strangers, my age and much older .. in my neighborhood and in school, taught that I was the one who made a mistake and was threatened with telling my family and the police (It sounds funny but I was born and raised in an extremely conservative culture). I never knew I was the victim, I never had anyone tell me that. Never.
I lived my life till I grew a bit up, dodging what I thought were bullets, I engaged in so much sexual activity with many many people and also my ***r and his friends a couple more times. Not all of it was pushed on me, it very quickly became very normal, I was active consensually at that age, did things consciously before I hit puberty.
Whats fucked up is, the world doesn’t give you a break based on this. No one validates that I cant run my daily life properly and do everything (some great but..) very slow. Because the most important years of my development I spent fake smiling in my family’s faces, while overthinking anxiously how to dodge the current blackmailer I was going to see when leaving the house or going to school. My inability to prioritize myself, my needs and health is so overwhelming as you grow older. Makes you so *** to being taken advantage of.
I started smoking around 11 or 12, inhalants within the 2 years after it and eventually opiate pills other *** when possible at the age of 15. I was told in Jan 2018 that I had 1 to 2 years to need a lung transplant, yet I smoke like chimney still. I currently suffer from an autoimmune lung disorder (Langerhans cell histiocytosis), and lots of undiagnosed shit in my head.

Sex, ***, smoke and just general numbness was and still is my coping mechanism.
Maybe my ***rs won and still winning like someone wrote earlier, maybe they didn’t. I think my art is the***utic for me but nothing of significance. I feel I am undeserving of love (even knowing its not true..), you definitely want something from me if you approach me right? thats how its always been, right?
Sorry that I don’t have solutions for you, we are our traumas indeed.

[Wbl20]

I must say I belittled maybe my abilities too much. Im very proud of myself, only for the *** and dysfunctionality I know yet being alive, sane and having ambitions, and being in the process towards achieving them. Fuck the worlds rules and timeline, I do shit my way and on my schedule if I have to exist in this piece of fuck shit of a world, ehh??

[Deleted Member]

Had a few Traumas that have/had affected me emotionally and physically. 

The first one was when I was 14 and a 18 year old guy manipulated me into thinking he loved me so he could sleep with me..

The same thing happened when I was 15 and another guy who was 21did the same thing.

These two incidents made me have abandonment issues and made me feel unlovable. I realised a few years ago that this wasn't the case but it affected me for a long time. And still can sometimes make me feel I'm not loveable because of these experiences. 

 

The next trauma happened a few years ago, not many people know of this one. As the thought of it makes my skin crawl and I blame myself for putting my self in that situation. I was dumb and dangerous. 

 

The last trauma happened last summer at a festival. I was ***d, I was too drunk to even stand or string a sentence together. I'd earlier fallen over and my friends had to help wash mud off of myself. I first blamed myself as I'm a flirty person and thought I brought it on myself. My friends advised me that just cause I'm a flirty person doesn't mean it was my fault and it was his choice what he did. I still have flash backs but they are less often. 

I was nervous to tell my partner but we were on a night out and I saw the guy. I freaked out and waited for my partner to arrive and explained. He was nothing but supportive. When we play he always makes that I'm okay and that I'm enjoying the play. He is a amazing Dom who is very caring and supportive he also makes me feel loved and gives me confidence in myself. 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

@Brattyb94 well done for having the courage to talk about it. *** is the worst think that could happen for establishing a future relationship! 
That guy should be in jail. 
it’s good you can embrace bdsm life and found a Dom that you can rely on now peacefully.

but remember bdsm is not a therapy on itself and you should at one point of your life when you are ready to seek a professional 

take care