Trauma and how it shaped us.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, FabSeverus said:

@Brattyb94 well done for having the courage to talk about it. *** is the worst think that could happen for establishing a future relationship! 
That guy should be in jail. 
it’s good you can embrace bdsm life and found a Dom that you can rely on now peacefully.

but remember bdsm is not a therapy on itself and you should at one point of your life when you are ready to seek a professional 

take care 

Thanks for your reply @FabSeverus

The guy should be in jail. At the time I didn't want to relive what I went through and if it went to court I would not want to be ripped apart and blamed  for it due to my life style/personality. I still have evidence of what happened if I change my mind. 

I enjoyed the BDSM life before I was ***d. But I know your point still stands. I don't believe I use it as therapy but maybe professional help in the future could help. I've tried therapy in the past for my depression and anxiety but it wasn't for me but maybe I weren't ready for therapy at the time. 

[qwertytothemax]

When I was a kid, there was a year that we had a massive hurricane and a couple intense tropical storms immediately afterwards. As you can guess, this intense amount of rainfall in a short period of time led to flooding. Because of that flooding, my family and I lost our house and all of our belongings, computers, furniture, all of our childhood memoirs, and one of the exterior walls to our basement collapsed leading to the house being deemed unlivable until it was repaired. For the next two years, we moved from temporary house to temporary house while our home was being repaired. My parents weren't rich, and even before being displaced from the flood we struggled to make ends meet, so this event really left us wondering about the future. We only got through it because our community banded together to help us with things like groceries, gas ***, etc.

A couple years later, my parents split. My father was verbally abusive and extremely controlling throughout the entirety of their marriage. Eventually it got so bad that he would constantly call her while she was at work just to make sure she wasn't doing something he didn't approve of. The only reason she stuck with him for so long was for me and my ***s. She didn't want us growing up without a father figure, even though we basically did since his mentality for us was to be "seen, but not heard".

Because of my father, I never allowed myself to enter into a relationship, with the *** in the back of my head that I would turn out exactly like him - abusive and only in it for myself. Eventually I pushed all of my friends away because I didn't want them to know how messed up my family was. At this point, I also started to not care about school. My father always said we wouldn't amount to much, so I figured why try? My grades went from all A's and B's to almost straight C's mixed in with some D's in high school. I figured as long as I passed, who cares what the ending grade was? 

When I turned 18, I decided to move away from my immediate family, and moved in with some extended family. It was here that I started to turn my life around. I discovered my love for computers and started writing some small programs. Shortly after this discovery, I decided to apply for college majoring in computer science (For those of you trying to make a timeline, I applied to college my senior year of high school). I decided that I wanted to prove my father wrong, I wanted to be better than he ever was. I wanted to learn as much as I could at college so that I could live the comfortable life he never could offer me as a kid.

 I focused every spare moment on my studies. I got a part time job at a local restaurant to support myself. I got offered an internship through my college to design a website for them. I started taking even more courses online to try and maximize everything I was learning. I became a sort of "teacher assistant" where the students would come to me if the professor was busy with another student.

Despite beginning to turn my life around and letting some classmates in as friends, I still didn't trust them enough to tell them my history. My motto was "I respect everyone, but only trust a handful of you". Basically they knew about my interests and my skills with a computer, but knew absolutely nothing about my family situation, where I was living, etc. I also still refused to enter into a relationship with the *** that the abusive tendencies my father displayed would somehow be passed onto me, and I didn't want to put anyone through that. Now at this point you probably think that I am living happily since I am turning my life around and making a name for myself, but you would be mistaken. Yes, I was making some amazing accomplishments, but I got no joy or happiness from them. I felt like an outsider in my classroom because I heard about my friends going to these fun parties or going out on romantic dates with their girlfriends/boyfriends, but I never attended any of those events. I went straight from school to home, and repeated that every day. I isolated myself because my father made me afraid to get close to people. This all changed when I found this community around a year ago.

This community welcomed me with warm and open arms as one of their own, and I have learned a lot about the structure and operations of BDSM relationships. I finally feel like I belong somewhere and honestly, this is the only online forum that I constantly return to (I don't even go to Facebook as much as I go here). I feel like my opinion matters here and won't be cast aside as something stupid or not worth effort. Of course, this doesn't mean that I go around trusting everyone, but I am more open to relationships now. I even downloaded some dating apps and am "putting myself out there" now.

I go into this a bit on my profile, but this little story I just told is the reason my public pictures all have me in a hood. Only those I fully trust are allowed to see "under the hood" both literally and metaphorically. Honestly, this is the most I have ever told anyone about my past as I still find it hard to open up with people in the real world about these topics.

Because of my dedication to my studies, I graduated college with almost straight A's (Had a B in a Physics class I had to take) and less than two months after graduating, I was offered a full time position as a Junior Computer Programmer. I'm slowly starting to make something of myself and hopefully I can eventually raise a family better than my father did for my ***s and I.

To sum this up: My past has made me very cautious around people I don't know. Because of previous circumstances, I take relationships slow and prefer to learn as much as I can about a person. For me, respect is given, but trust is earned. I've been single all of my life because I pushed everyone away, but I am slowly turning myself around. I have an Associates in computer science, I have over a year of professional experience as a web developer, and I am starting to get into the dating scene.

 

[Wo****]

@qwertytothemax

That made me cry, in a good way...

That is such a beautiful, precious post. Thank you x

[littlesubsusan]

I think trauma is relative to each person. What impacts them in a harsh way that scars them.... For me I have had many traumatic experiences from ***, neglect and losing loved ones to ***. Also always feeling like an outsider in most everyday life. While not traumatic in a jarring sense it does take a toll if you will. 

   I think the way to deal with it is to find what works for you. Therapy works for some others not so much. For me I have to process and touch the emotions . I think its about recognizing you are valid in how and what you feel if you need more help seek it out if you can process on your own then do whatever you need to do to validate it and learn. Dont let it own you but be okay with this is scary or this hurts and make peace even if you have to make peace daily or hourly .   That experience is always better with a partner because I feel like a partner should balance you. I am a true believer in soul mates and your partner being your roots and wings. 

 

I am sorry to read so many bad experiences. Hope you all find the healing you need. Blessed be. 

[Vandalslut]

On 4/7/2020 at 7:19 PM, Wbl20 said:

Whats fucked up is, the world doesn’t give you a break based on this. No one validates that I cant run my daily life properly and do everything (some great but..) very slow.

True, you can't go around with a sign on your head saying, "This happened to me" and expect the world to give you a break. It won't. You have to give yourself a break. There's a lot of help out there, and the first step in your case, mine, Sidorax's, Bounty's etc is to discover  That was ONE/THREE/SEVERAL/ However many's opinions/judgements...and what makes THEM powerful, what makes THEM right in a world of billions of people?   Answer:  YOU do. Otherwise you just live with it, replay it, meet the same people -  for the rest of your life. Some choose to live their life that way.  Their choice.  It's not MINE anymore. I took away their power and made it mine.