How to start and where to find a "mentor"?

[BK****]

I decided to start not to suppress my sexually hungry side, but I have no idea where to start.
I have autistic ADHD, with some interesting traits. I'm hypersexual but cannot read nonverbal social cues. I understand almost only verbal communication or very direct signs.
I don't have the words and expressions to communicate my needs.
I'm open to any ideas, suggestions, and help.

[ju****]

I also have AuDHD and find it much easier to be in relation with other neurodivergent people. Otherwise, just be clear and open about your need for verbal communication

[Mz****]

My best friend IRL has the same issues. I learned to communicate better with my words because of her. If you explain it flat out like you did here maybe if they are intelligent enough and interested enough they will be willing to learn to communicate with their words better.
Also, after time spent with just one person, you may be able to at least learn their non verbal cues and expressions. I am speaking from some small experience here yes. But just my thoughts. Good luck to you!

[Sa****]

Start by defining what kind of mentor you’re looking for. Are you seeking guidance in exploring your sexuality in a safe, respectful, and empowering way? If so, there are communities, professionals, and safe spaces where you can find that support. Local mistress won’t give you such desire that you want so you need to seek the Pro domme and find your way in the lifestyle.

[BK****]

24 minutes ago, jusstpeachy said:

I also have AuDHD and find it much easier to be in relation with other neurodivergent people. Otherwise, just be clear and open about your need for verbal communication

And do you overshare? At a certain point I start to "interrogate" instead of ask normal questions step by step. I'm too straightforward. Do you have any "best practices" for that?

[ju****]

45 minutes ago, BKA_travel said:

And do you overshare? At a certain point I start to "interrogate" instead of ask normal questions step by step. I'm too straightforward. Do you have any "best practices" for that?

My entire life is a series of overhearing. Not just with sexual/kink partners. Again, it’s why life is with better with ND people. My ND friends also overshare. It’s why our connections are so much deeper than the surface levels connections I tent to have with neurotypical people.

[ey****]

starting with mentors... you mention in the title but not the body what you're actually looking for in a mentor.

I won't say mentors are no longer a thing, but they're largely redundant as more information is available.   Like, I dunno.  You now don't need to ask your mentor to recommend you any classes, books, munches, etc you can ask on a forum.  You don't need to be shown everything by one person as there are everything from classes, to workshops, to discussion groups.

So, put the general thought of a mentor on the backburner for now.

Equally, if you would struggle to communicate your needs, then you're going to have a tough time dealing with someone who mentors you - remember mentors are typically taking on work (i.e. you) for little/no return 

So some first points. Read forums like this. Look to see if questions you have have been answered. If not, consider asking them.  Look for threads about recommended reading, films, etc. and follow those.

Consider seeking out munches in your local area but use them as a resource to make friends and share knowledge (you won't be expected to provide too much of that being new) 

A lot may feel difficult to navigate at first - but everyone was new once, and different shades of neurodiversity is more common than you'd expect. 

[bi****]

Personally, I think mentors is still very much néeded. Where to find them these days, that's a good question. There are so many out there in this lifestyle flying by the seat of their pants. I would use extreme caution. Seems like a lot of Doms these days are not worried about subs at all, but only about their own wants and needs. Be careful out there.

[Th****]

The kink & BDSM communities are full of ND people. The clear, direct and specific communication involved when following best practices is a draw for many of us as is the sensory seeking parts. The fetlife website is an excellent place to start for education and events. There's even a virtual education conference that specifically focuses on neurodivergence, THRIVE, it's coming up soon either later this month or next I think. There are lots of other resources there as well. 

 

Mentors are still valuable but you're likely better off finding one a bit more organically through networking and making friends. Always crosscheck information through multiple resources as well. 

Edited April 6, 2025 by ThaliaV

[lo****]

Best advice i can give you as a fellow on the spectrum is take a psychology class, reading social cues on body language will become a lot easier and it will help in other aspects of your life as well.

[un****]

honestly the best thing to do is to got to irl kink events and spaces instead of online. the big problem with fet is that a lot of the people on here (especially men) are just brainrotted from porn and have destroyed the part of their brain that feels empathy for others, especially their partners. its much easier to find well-rounded people offline. I would look into kink spaces in your local community

[An****]

SAME

[Ed****]

I agree with @unicornpothead (kinda ironic)

[Ed****]

Events are often posted on the most famous of fet websites

[bo****]

@BKA_travel i feel your ***, i have tourettes, ADD, OCD, Sexsomnia. It's really hard to express that need and want. You need to be honest + use communication for your wants/needs and also when you don't understand those gray areas.
 

[bo****]

@unicornpothead, your totally right. They are f**cking it up for the normal ish guys.

[un****]

4 hours ago, bonney-lake659693 said:

@unicornpothead, your totally right. They are f**king it up for the normal ish guys.

i have a theory that there are only 4 kinds of male doms

1. the brainrotted porn zombies. They have watched so much porn that they are too desensitized to get off on vanilla, and must move on to the hard stuff to get off

2. guys who have 1-3 very specific fetishes that are more taboo and they can only find women willing to service those fetishes in kink spaces. e.i. foot fetish, armpit sniffers, waterworks, that kind of stuff. (sometimes this overlaps with 1)

3. People who are actually psychopathic/sociopathic and control their urges by preforming them on consenting subs. (rarest type)

4. guys who genuinely care about their subs pleasure and happiness. Typically but not always neurodivergent, and are attracted to the kink community because of our culture of speaking frankly and openly about sex. in the west, speaking about sex is extremely taboo. even between couples speaking in depth about sex is not normal. for ND unspoken communication can be hard. these guys are usually called ‘pleasure doms’. (this is the best kind)

the atmosphere of any kink spaces is determined by the ratio of these 4 types. fet is 80% type ones so thats why it is the way it is.

[Li****]

April 9, unicornpothead said:

i have a theory that there are only 4 kinds of male doms

1. the brainrotted porn zombies. They have watched so much porn that they are too desensitized to get off on vanilla, and must move on to the hard stuff to get off

2. guys who have 1-3 very specific fetishes that are more taboo and they can only find women willing to service those fetishes in kink spaces. e.i. foot fetish, armpit sniffers, waterworks, that kind of stuff. (sometimes this overlaps with 1)

3. People who are actually psychopathic/sociopathic and control their urges by preforming them on consenting subs. (rarest type)

4. guys who genuinely care about their subs pleasure and happiness. Typically but not always neurodivergent, and are attracted to the kink community because of our culture of speaking frankly and openly about sex. in the west, speaking about sex is extremely taboo. even between couples speaking in depth about sex is not normal. for ND unspoken communication can be hard. these guys are usually called ‘pleasure doms’. (this is the best kind)

the atmosphere of any kink spaces is determined by the ratio of these 4 types. fet is 80% type ones so thats why it is the way it is.

Do you know where to find the forth type?

[Al****]

Recently AuDHD diagnosed here and this post and comments has helped me with alot of clarity and hopefully it enables me to connect better with people this has always been a struggle, recent diagnosis so still learning alot and its been all on my own.

[GK****]

I can say that mentorship is possible and generally available, particularly through groups like Master and slave Together (MasT) and local kink groups. It depends on your area.

[kr****]

I’m looking for someone to guide me and help me get into the scene and to help me learn the language and does and donts