Frenzy Activated. ADHD Overcompensating

[AKA_Copper]

Chatting with an attractive man when you're ND is less “casual conversation” and more “someone just shook a can of fizzy labeled DOPAMINE and pointed it directly at your face.”
At first you’re fine. You’re normal. You’re chill. You’re saying things like "sounds good" and "okie cokie". Meanwhile your brain has already built a Pinterest board titled "Our Dynamic" and your nervous system is doing parkour.
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Dopamine rush? Absolutely. It arrives early, uninvited, and immediately starts rearranging the furniture.
ADHD doesn’t experience attraction in moderation. It experiences it like:
“Oh? A hot man? Paying attention to me? Fantastic, I shall now abandon all object permanence and make this my entire personality for the next..." however long he keeps your focus.
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Sometimes, it feels a lot like eating fish finger sandwiches every day for tea. By day six, you start to question yourself: Do I really love fish fingers or, do I just like the idea of loving them? (I do just love fishfinger sandwiches) hyperfixation works the same way, you can be obsessively interested in someone, but there’s this lingering, faint doubt that maybe your brain is just enjoying this particular flavour of dopamine, not necessarily the actual person.
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Self awareness isn't always helpful.
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And if you have even a whisper of submissive energy, this is where the alarms should sound. Instead, they’re drowned out by whimisical music and the sound of your impulse control packing it's suitcase. Sub frenzy doesn’t announce itself by kicking the door down. It tiptoes in like, "hey hun, what if we just lean in a little?" Suddenly you’re re-reading messages, feeling floaty and attempting to interpret tone. But, because you're aware of how frenzy behaves, you're also congratulating yourself for not bounding over to his with all your "kit" wearing lace under your TB dress before kneeling in the kitchen or proposing marriage.
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You tell yourself: Slow down, be cool, DO NOT cannonball yourself onto this man’s lap. You implement rules for yourself. You wait before replying. You don't double message. You type something flirty, delete it, type something neutral, delete that too, before finally settling on something inane like a coward. You attempt to act like a grounded sane person, but ADHD has no middle setting, so instead you come off like an emotionally unavailable ice queen.
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You’re distant, reserved, polite. You’re withholding enthusiasm like it’s a controlled substance. Meanwhile, inside, you’re vibrating with thoughts, curiosity and desire. On the outside though you’re giving customer service energy. The attractive man is like, “fair enough,” and you’re like, "NO WAIT, I CARE A NORMAL AMOUNT, I SWEAR".
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This is the (annoying) paradox: to prevent sub frenzy, you must apply the brakes, but ADHD brakes are either nonexistent or act like an emergency stop. There is no gentle deceleration. You either overshare your inner world or respond hours later with something that looks like a fully drafted legal document. And all the while, dopamine is pacing about in the background, tapping its foot, asking when you're going to stop being responsible and yelling, "PLEASE, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE".

[Th****]

I feel this in every fiber.

[Te****]

Even as a dominant guy with ADHD this was both relatable and insightful. I lean towards connecting with other neurospicy folk these days but hadn’t necessarily considered people being as self-aware as I am and attempting to pull on the reins, so it’s useful to know that when someone’s seemingly pulling back it’s not necessarily because they aren’t interested. However, at the same time when it comes to things like boundaries and such like, I’d never want to inadvertently cross any, so it’s often safer to allow someone to back away quietly than feel like you’re pushing them away by chasing the dopamine monster. So as always with all things ADHD it’s a double edged sword.

[Kai413]

Omg! I felt this to my core and im a romantic. I type whole sonnets and then erase them to say I understand!!

[eg****]

::cries in auDHD submissive::

[Se****]

I see good attention

[vi****]

Realizing after reading this, what my brain is doing. 🤯 I have adhd but hadn’t really put two and two together as to why I have zero impulse control in certain situations. Frenzy is a new state to me and apparently, I have to work very hard not to let it show.

[Gi****]

This is completely accurate 🤣 ugh

[ne****]

This is so legitimately accurate. My dhow-and-tell vibe can’t be masked, it’s a problem.

[ne****]

Just now, nerdsmith said:

This is so legitimately accurate. My dhow-and-tell vibe can’t be masked, it’s a problem.

Show*

[ge****]

Oh you posted it here too - though I'm what is considered neuro-normative I have been on the other side of this, so can relate, and it's made a lot of sense of some things for me, so thank you for posting.
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I think the difficulty for us NN's is recognising some of these behaviours and working round them - which is something I struggled with in my particular situation, and suspect is too late to rectify now, but hopefully this will help others on both sides of the coin.

[wo****]

I really like your writing style. Self awareness is something I appreciate and think is very attractive in a woman. By recognizing that you may misread a situation, or respond in a way that is disproportionate to the actual circumstances, it indicates that you are trustworthy if a conflict or misunderstanding should arise. Your willingness to share these insights shows self confidence. It tells me that your potential to be *** is deserving of a man’s vulnerability, that you are unlikely to weaponize a man’s flaws or weaknesses should you become angry. Trust and respect are very important in a relationship. We all have flaws. Some people throw up red flags my being quick to see red flags in others without the willingness to recognize their own. I have tried to describe the big green flag I see as reflected while reading your post. Thanks for sharing.

[Ch****]

ADHD and kink might seem like an unexpected pairing, but for a lot of people, they go hand in hand. From rituals that help with focus to play that taps into the need for stimulation, BDSM can be more than just fun it can be a real tool for regulation and connection.

Communication, trust, consent and so much more is required. Once that connection is made and trust is established…..you both enter a world where you both agree and make the rules. Love your writing Aka_Copper.

It makes people take a step back, think and appreciate what they have in their connection and absolutely take nothing for granted.

[gu****]

Yea i s***drun through attractions and crushes like how i listen to music. I hyperfocus on a favorite track that i happen to associate with some extremely good feelings for days. I listen to the song, dance to it, sing to it, matching every adlibs and choirs in the back ground. Then i overanalyze the layers of instruments in it. Then ear fatigue kicks in, i turn off the loop mode and let the algorith line up new songs. And one day i just wake up not feeling a single excitement for that track anymore, just annoyance when it comes up. Songs get suggested and tested again until i find my next favorite. The cycle begins again.

[Ka****]

Thank you for putting this in to words I definitely do this any time i receive attention and then look back on it and wonder why I am so ridiculously "easy".

[di****]

1 hour ago, KatrinaNova said:

Thank you for putting this in to words I definitely do this any time i receive attention and then look back on it and wonder why I am so ridiculously "easy".

Same! Ty!

[Gi****]

Thank you for starting this conversation!

[Mr_Spankman]

Hahahaha,
This is also me when chatting to ladies.
100% in, or trying to play it cool.

[my****]

I feel this when a female finally talks to me and my husband and actually takes interest in both

[ka****]

Omg! I feel read

[le****]

THIS. I’m either all in and goody or trying to play it cool and coming off reserved.

[ju****]

I feel so seen right now lol