Reversing years of repressed need...

[Pr****]

How do I communicate my needs to my partner after years of hiding them/being unable to express myself with him because of my own self consciousness?

[ve****]

I’ve found subtly adding hints during a conversation to gauge his/her reaction, that’s your best bet. The body language will indicate your next move. Suggestive thoughts are better rather than closed end comments 🙂 x

[my****]

So it’s not your partner that repressed you needs so you just need to tell them about what you have always wanted to try and ask if they would be willing to do it with you. If it is a request that is highly kinky then they may not be into it or willing to do it. But most people are willing to be baby stepped into something kinky. A partner of mine loved being ***d on after sex and I wasn’t into it. Eventually after her baby stepping me into it I was emptying my bladder wherever she wanted me to.

[in****]

Honestly this is probably a question for a therapist, either personal or couples, but I'd definitely say that the first step is introspection and doing your best to identify and flag those needs as clearly as you can, as well as trying to recognize where those needs stem from and how you intend to have them satisfied

[Ge****]

You write it out. Point out that you’re self conscious. Point out that you need him to take control and do this for you. Point him towards the educational materials needed to give you what you need. List out all your kinks like we do in our FETlife profiles. Put it all out there. If he responds positively, then great! But if he doesn’t want to do those things for you, then it’s kind of unfair of him to keep you trapped in a vanilla life.

[Ms****]

Courage and communication . Don't let more days go by

[Mr****]

I know the feeling. I have tried but hard to get people to understand isn't it. Just maybe try a step in the right direction

[Deleted Member]

Explain WHY it turns you on. He might need help understanding, especially if it's not something he's into. What he definitly is into, is making you happy. So as long as he knows what's making you happy, he'll be keen to help. He might turn around and say "that's exactly what I've always wanted too!" Let us know how it goes!

[Th****]

Talk and ask questions, then listen to the answers. Listen to understand rather than to reply.

[Mi****]

Start by introducing your needs one at a time they’re not new to you, but they’re new to him and talk to him about it. For example, hey babe, how do you feel about this? Or are you open to this?

[Ki****]

Just be honest and communicate your thoughts. Any understanding partner should listen then you should listen to what their feelings are on the subject.
It may be something that they are willing to let you explore or they will be hesitant or against the idea. Whatever the outcome, you must communicate.

[Bj****]

Just like you did right here. Only one way and that's to start a conversation with him.
You are the one holding yourself back from your Needs. And you are the only one who can change that.
Start small. Go to dinner. On the way home just tell him what you'd like to try.

[Le****]

Have you tried filling out a sex menu , separately, then reviewing together to see where you align or not. It can be a good way to open communication about different sex acts . Could be used as a spicy ice breaker for a date night "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"

[Ha****]

Interesting, what journey have you embarked on

[Si****]

Essentially just say you’ve been meaning to talk about some stuff, “ I know I’ve never mentioned it before, but I’m working on bringing up things that are important to me” then state XYZ things and say it would mean a lot to me for you to work with me on this. Because I feel it is a need. And then ask what they think.

[DarkArts1066]

It’s always a difficult thing…. revealing your inner self to someone close to you.

Often it’s down to *** of the unknown…
What will they think of me after I tell them ?
How will they react ?
Am I doing the right thing ?

For me the answer to the last one is easy.

Yes. It is right to have THAT conversation.

If the person you are with is right for you, then they are unlikely to judge you -just because of your needs or desires.

You already know this person. Intimately. Closely. You know what they like and dislike…. Even the mundane things like food and drink.

They themselves are not an unknown quantity to you.
Equally, you know how to talk with them.
You will have had difficult discussions with them before - so to some extent, you can predict their behaviour.

Try to choose a time when they can focus on you, and what you are saying without distractions.
And -think carefully about the best way to approach the subject.

Walking in from work, telling them to sit down, and then blurting out what you have to say may not be the best time - or approach.

Start a discussion which perhaps skirts around the issue you want to talk about, so that you can gauge their reaction to it.

Use examples - from the news, social media, things that remove YOU directly from the frame, show them a piece on X, or Insta or somesuch, which closely mimics the situation, and see how they respond to that.

You might be surprised how open minded some people can be without you having a single clue what their feelings are towards something.

Lastly, try and prepare for every eventuality.
What if their reaction is negative ?
If they get upset - or angry ?


Being in a relationship where you have to hold something of yourself back can eat away at you…… and although it is hard, honesty and openness are almost always the best policy in the end.

[Deleted Member]

Just be honest. Who knows, they might be totally on board, if not, then maybe they are not for you. I have been with many beautiful(mind & body) women over the years, and some were into my kinks, some were not, but I always communicated it to them,as early as I could. To be honest, maybe the reason I'm single again is maybe some were just not as ok with it as they said they were, but I always find upfront honesty is the best. Whatever may come of it.

[Pr****]

Wow, thanks all the productive replies. I was a little scared of being ridiculed to be honest

[sa****]

I agree with @AssLickyum 

[sa****]

just tell him your needs are important in a relationship

[di****]

I have a similar problem with no solution, @DawnStarQueen, I have repressed who i am sexually so long that it has not only affected my sexual abilities...it has also stunted my kink growth to the point where I have no idea how to fix either problem.

[JMAC1977]

Tell the truth an I think it will b ok

[AC****]

I think it might begin with strengthening the foundation of your relationship. Healthy levels of Respect, Trust and safety create a space to be *** and even though it's scary you'll know you'll be safe, listened to, and understood. The hard conversations are opportunities to grow together.

[Ki****]

It's a process, first, you need to be patient with yourself and your partner. It will be something new and like anything new for everyone mistakes could happen, it's fine.
You can probably ask for small things like a glass of water, to explain something to you, ask for a walk, a cuddle... whatever makes you feel comfortable with, and each time try something a little bigger
It will be a process, there are probably better attempts than others, but each attempt is a step forward.

[Goodbicpl]

From reading your profile text, seems you’ve already communicated it.