Trying to find my space in this community…does this dynamic actually exist?

[Gu****]

35 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Been there with a startlingly similar situation and currently coming out the other side and coming to terms with the fact that frankly, if I’m not worth enough time and effort to let me know what’s going on at the time and if I’m not good enough to help you through your hard times then, whatever I felt and whatever you claimed to be wasn’t worth the breath used to say it. 

Thank you ❤️

[Deleted Member]

It exists. It's much harder to find than just kink, though. I do not swim in the shallow end at all, so for someone like me... it takes a very, very long time to find worthwhile connections. Are you vetting thoroughly, in order to give yourself the best chance possible at success?

[Gr****]

All of this seems quite normal and common to be frank. I'm sure you'll find your place in the kink community 😊

[Do****]

Girl I know evacuated what you're going thru. I've gonethru the same thing. We can't give up on what we want. If the other person isn't giving us what we want and deserve, they aren't for us. Mr. Right is out there. Never settle. Compromise, maybe. But don't settle.

[GK****]

The issue you are running into is that while people like that exist, they may not be available very long because they are far less likely to leave a relationship if they find someone who appreciates them. Also, they might not realize that they are not giving what someone needs, and just keep repeating the same thing wondering why their relationships fail, causing them to cycle through the meet market much more frequently. It's a matter of odds, really.

Part of the issue with a kink-forward dating app is that it tends to make that the focus, which is what some people want but for many others the kink, the dynamic is how the relationship is expressed, how it's structured. But you can say that about any dating app, really. Dating is largely a numbers game and you don't know the odds in any given round and that makes it frustrating, I can certainly understand that. The issue is that in this lifestyle we agree to higher levels of trust than many couples outside the lifestyle expect, which can make the disappointments even worse.

Your niche really does exist. But the path to it has a lot of horse apples to step in.

[Deleted Member]

18 hours ago, ohciaobella said:

And it’s left me wondering:
Is this niche valid?
Is it too much to want kink and emotional literacy?
To want erotic power play and mutual tenderness?
To crave teasing, psychological tension… but also aftercare, presence, and a sense of earned belonging?

It's a valid niche and you're not asking for too much. 

Indeed, I know someone who, before starting in the Seattle scene, vowed to not play or get into an intimate relationship for their first year: simply to meet people, observe, and ask questions. I wish I'd been as wise when I started as she was.

It took me a while to find out about demisexuality and demiromance, but once I did it made perfect sense. I don't know if that's where you are, but sometimes a person just needs more than someone initially over-eager who can't or won't follow through when things get serious. 

I wish you good luck in finding a way to get what you seek while honoring and caring for yourself.

[Jo****]

It does take a lot of time and effort my husband and I have this and are looking to share with another.... Just trying to find the right one lol. It is not easy being two married guys that are bi looking for a potential wife lmao.

[Bo****]

12 hours ago, Rhody68 said:

Hm, i left a comment & now, poof, it's gone.

I've noticed if you look at posts from the "notifications" tab, your own comments often don't show. Unless you go to the news feed section and physically click on that specific conversation.

[Bo****]

I'm searching for the same thing.
It does exist, just rarely.
In a society that values self-centeredness and short time preferences, it's just a hard thing to come across.

The fact that people are so flippant about learning and practising the basics of something that can possibly be so psychologically and physically damaging for themselves and others (if done ignorantly or without care) is downright scary.

[oh****]

13 hours ago, ChiadaBrat said:

Babe you aren’t asking for too much ♥️

Thanks love. It means a lot. ❤️

[Deleted Member]

I resonate a lot with what you said. When you don't settle, it's not supposed to be easy finding someone who checks most of the boxes that we think we want. Especially when people are being overwhelmed with the illusion of options. Once you meet someone who does certain things for you, to you. Those can be good hints or warnings to really pay attention to. It's easier when you do have that person who is supposed to be in your life.

[Aussiegalcoug]

It is absolutely real and possible but rare to find and to keep. Having experienced a dynamic like the one that you describe and crave, I am now in the unenviable position of trying to secure this for a second time around. I agree that many, if not most prospective Doms get freaked out once things start to get too emotionally charged and "real". Wishing you all the very best with your search for an authentic Dom who can deliver what you desire and deserve.

[oh****]

2 hours ago, lodi953998 said:

It exists. It's much harder to find than just kink, though. I do not swim in the shallow end at all, so for someone like me... it takes a very, very long time to find worthwhile connections. Are you vetting thoroughly, in order to give yourself the best chance possible at success?

That’s so beautifully put… i’m starting to see how important deep, intentional vetting really is. I’ve definitely rushed things in the past, not out of carelessness, but from craving connection. I’m doing the work now to slow down, unlearn some of that urgency, and focus on presence over fantasy.

I’m just really grateful to have found voices here that make me feel a little less alone in that process.

[oh****]

4 hours ago, TakKov said:

To answer your questions simply:
1.) Your niche/needs/wants are indeed valid.
2.) No, it isn't too much to want any of what you listed simultaneously. The trouble is with finding it.

Are you able to attend munches in your area?

Are you able to go to events (even if it's as a spectator/guest)?

My overall advice is to keep trying. It can be a real blow to one's self-esteem, ego, identity, etc, to continually be met with individuals who talk the talk, but won't walk the walk.

It's hard to find the walkers, honestly. Sometimes, getting out into the munches and events, you can make friends who could potentially introduce you to others who share that same passion you have. It's tricky too, having to find balance as well.

Alternatively, you may consider taking some space to yourself and re-evaluating or prioritizing your specific wants. (Note: I said wants, not needs. I would never advocate for someone to compromise in that regard.) Sometimes, space can be just as important as the journey and the hunt, so to speak. Don't lose heart! It will all fall into place with the right individual/s. I wish you the best in your endeavors.

Thank you so much for this. That reminder to pause and reevaluate wants vs. needs really landed with me. Especially in a space that can feel so charged with urgency and performance. I’m definitely learning to hold space for myself better, and not chase connection out of loneliness or restlessness. That shift is hard, but I know it’s part of becoming a more intentional version of myself in and out of kink. I really appreciate your thoughtful encouragement.

[oh****]

5 hours ago, Raritybutterfly said:

I'm looking for the same thing as you. I feel what I'm looking for doesn't exist. What I wouldn't give for a Dom to treat me and this lifestyle with respect. I refuse to settle for ill informed wannabe Dominant or emotionally unavailable Doms.
I'm looking for subs as friends as well.

I feel this so much. It really does start to feel like what we’re looking for doesn’t exist or that people say all the right things until it comes time to actually follow through with care and consistency. I’ve made the same vow though. I won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t treat this lifestyle with deep respect.

Also totally here for connecting with other subs who get it 🫂 we need each other too.

[oh****]

6 hours ago, DaddyAndAsena said:

The two way street of vulnerability in a D/s dynamic, I feel, is key. In the dynamic, when we're most connected, I can fulfill my commitment to her more freely as she fulfills hers to me, as I fulfill mine to her, and so on. We're each drawing from and pouring into the same well. One person's 85% couldn't compensate for the other's 15%. We'd average to only 50%. We both have to be all in. Indeed, getting there can feel like a long process at times. After past attempts with others, I had felt frustrated at the lack of reciprocity that seemed inescapable. Add how easy it can be for me to blame myself after the fact, and UGH.

I met Asena when I wasn't looking for anyone. Our relationship is perfect... , for us. Stuff comes up and tries to come between us, but we return to each other ASAP (the safest place for each).

I don't know your whole story to now, or how it will unfold. But I don't think it's hopeless or that you should resign to the idea of a mutually fulfilling relationship that aligns with your heart. Keep working on you, be your best self for you, and see if the perfect fit doesn't fall into place unexpectedly.

If you want to chat with either of us, feel free to shoot a hello.

This was so beautifully said. The way you described mutual vulnerability and both pouring into the same well is very important. I’ve known the feeling of showing up fully only to realize the other person never planned to meet me there. That imbalance can be so quietly heartbreaking.

Hearing that real connection is possible, and that it’s not always immediate but still worth the effort, gives me a little hope again. Thank you both for sharing your story so openly, it means a lot!

[oh****]

6 hours ago, GuessMyName12345 said:

I’m looking for EXACTLY that. You’re not alone. Thought I found it once… actually on bumble not here. I am actually wondering if I could get a little feedback… He up and ghosted twice!! First time he came back saying- I just wanted to let you know I did feel a connection but my cousin died and it hit me hard…. Ok, I can empathize. Then the SECOND time his son supposedly reached out saying “I think I need help” tried to get him into rehab but then had a seizure from withdrawals and was placed into a medically induced coma… of course I knew nothing of this until 2 months later when he finally reached out. Now he’s saying he’s just too caught up in his son’s recovery and he’s anxious and depressed and can’t give me what I deserve right now.

My *** is screaming dump his ass and move on. But I swear it’s different with him. All of what you mentioned in this post PLUS he says he’s proud of me and encouraged me to stick up for myself at work, and listened during meltdowns I’ve had and said- vent I’m here. Let it out baby girl.

So I ask you all here- is it true that if I weee to do back to him when he’s ready it’s a sign of me having no self respect?? Or is it that I actually felt something worth waiting for and I’m a very empathetic person?

Now, if it was me- I’d shoot out those texts at the time— sorry baby but my cousin just died and I need some time. Sorry baby, I’m having an unbelievably hard experience with my son right now and need some time….

But everyone is different. And in the grand scheme of red flags— is this one THAT bad??

I’m struggling with this.

Any comments from those who “get it” would be appreciated. Thanks in advance! ❤️

Your empathy shines through so clearly here. I really relate to this tug of war between compassion and protecting your own heart. It’s not wrong to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when you felt something real…but your time, care, and presence deserve to be met, not taken for granted. The right connection won’t leave you wondering if your kindness was a mistake. You’re not alone in this.

[oh****]

7 hours ago, New4You2Use said:

I have similar thoughts, ideas and issues that seem to be similar. Especially when I take a chance and trust enough to try and get involved. I have found mostly fake Doms who start out acting real but soon start acting performative, or asking me for tribute (Which I see as a scam). I know it sounds ridiculous coming from a man but I put myself out there with minimal barriers, hoping to find something real only to be left wanting, hurting and with a bad taste in my mouth. So you speak for some of us and I for one think your statement was logical, applicable and laudable!

Thank you for sharing this. It’s honestly comforting to hear someone else express the same frustrations with performative kink and shallow connection. You clearly get it. the heart of D/s isn’t just play, it’s presence, care, and trust built over time. Your words made me feel less alone in what I’ve been searching for, and reminded me not to lower the bar just because the wait is hard.

[oh****]

8 hours ago, freyainthenorth said:

It’s like a sparkling unicorn in another galaxy.. meaning it takes a lot of searching for. But you’re not alone in this search. Keep trying. 🥲

🙏

[oh****]

8 hours ago, Rose312 said:

You put exactly how I feel into words, been thinking of leaving the app because I’m going through the same thing and I don’t think I’ll going to find it here. Just a lot of people who tell you what you want to hear and ghost when things get too real

Right there with you. It’s exhausting feeling like people only want the fantasy, not the real connection.

[oh****]

8 hours ago, Mary-W said:

Please don’t feel like you’re alone in this - what you’ve written here is genuinely exactly how I’ve been feeling for a while now, but please don’t give up on what it is that you are wanting and stand by your standards/values

It isn’t something that you will find immediately but it is absolutely possible and there will be someone out there that is looking for the counterpart to this 🩷

Thank you so much for this 🫶it really means a lot. Knowing I’m not alone in holding out for something meaningful helps more than I can say. Here’s to not settling and trusting it’s still out there 🥂

[oh****]

11 hours ago, Cinch said:

Absolutely loved to see this post, it strongly validated my own experience as a sub as well! It has been a struggle to be Demisexual and to need that connection to go with my kink, but to also find someone interested in growing together and mindful of the impact of allowing each other in that trusted space. To me, earning each other's trust and becoming each other's safe space is the goal and D/s becomes the expression of that. I'm still on my own journey and would love a like minded friend if you're still open to that!

Your post gave me a lot of comfort 😊 thank you. I’d love to connect.

[oh****]

11 hours ago, babygirl3830 said:

You are definitely not alone, you have put to words everything that I feel. I honestly think it's so many women out there willing to be fwb that men find that easier then being in an actual relationship...I've wanted to give up so many times but we deserve to be loved the way our heart desires

Felt. 😩 Thank you for your reply. you put it beautifully. We really do deserve that kind of love.

[se****]

I really really relate to this

[oh****]

11 hours ago, LaceyGal said:

No real connection can be rushed first off, love at first sight, to me at least is just simply lust, not that lust doesn't have it's place but not for what you're seeking. Yes, the world is full of many dynamics, to some the bdsm world is simply a performance art and nothing more, others, such as myself, it's a lifestyle, one that takes time, trust, mutual respect, and vast amounts of communication so that a deep connection can be formed and cultivated. I myself have grown tired of the endless amounts of would be subs that just want to be spoiled with no real submission, to the point I'm considering my own ability to be submissive. I am a soft domme, I'm more into elevating and sub and their confidence of being submissive rather than endless demands that are met with punishments when not carried out to the letter. I want such a connection that offers are no longer needed, desires are known and both parties are hell bent on fulfilling said desires because to do so brings joy and satisfaction. I like to find a person's threshold for ***, make it seductive and explore all the ways of physically and mentally seducing my mates. I know I'll make a terrible sub, but something in me wants to explore it, i believe in mutual understanding and reciprocity, i don't like one sided relationships of any kind. I do hope you find that person who fulfills you, mind, body, and spirit.

This was beautifully said. I really felt your words. Mutual connection, care, and trust before anything else is exactly what I long for too. Thank you for expressing it so clearly.