Is it possible to change a dynamic?

[gr****]

I have had two gfs for almost 3 years now. And I never planned this. I figured one would leave me but they have both stayed I’ve never done the poly thing b4 and I’ve fallen in love with both of them. But there’s a 20 year gape between the two which bothers the older one. And at 1st she was down for 3somes n to play. But. Then changes her mind saying she don’t feel confortable cuz she’s already having 2 share me with other gf and we have a big house with extra rooms to host things or get a roomate but doesn’t like roommates either while I think it’s a good way to make a friend help some1 n help with rent. While my babygirl the younger one is down to experiment with me in the bedroom and even wants to find her her own gf cuz I’m gone most the time but our biggest problem we live with her gran so can’t host or have people over so it makes it hard to actually meet n get to know some1 cuz we pretty much have to get a hotel Any thoughts how ideas that could b helpful

[Bo****]

To be brutally honest my dear I think you should either drop the one that feels uncomfortable and find someone new or stick with the older one and see how it goes with a monogamous relationship

[ge****]

Sorry but I'm confused - on the one hand you say you have a big house with extra rooms so you can host things and get a room mate and then you say you live with one of your girlfriend's gran and so can't host or have people over and have to get a hotel?
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Not really sure what your question is though either?
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Ultimately though if it's about the older girlfriend not being comfortable sharing you with another any longer - then the only option you have is to talk it through with your partners and either find a position that all are comfortable with, or end one of the relationships if you can't find that.

[al****]

After looking through HIS profile. He lives with the older GF and visits the younger who lives with her grams. The advice already given fits. I don't see a solution to keeping all the playmates or the playground when one playmate has issues. Short of finding her, older GF, a playmate of her own.

[ra****]

Sounds like boundaries have changed over time or they were never really firm boundaries in the first place; the three of you only thought they were. You need to firstly decide what you want and you need to be honest about it. Then you need to be transparent with the other two. They too need to do the same with themselves and you. I find a lot of people think they are poly or want poly dynamics but the reality is they don’t and it gets messy with trust issues, jealousy and all sorts.

[TheBookCollector]

Rather than asking advice why notput on your.big boy pants and man up and make a decision for yourself rather than asking the internet.
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At the moment you come across as a bit of a child who is trying to figure out how to have his cake and eat it, while keeping the cake for later.

[De****]

Is there a question here? I’m really confused.

[Prettycock99]

Grow up and make a decision without thinking of yourself first. You are being selfish. Complaining about two girlfriends is like complaining about a million dollars in fives cause you want tens.

[Be****]

Poly only works when everyone involved is on board. If even one of the people in the poly dynamic isn't happy, then it's not working. It's also really important to note that being poly doesn't necessarily mean you all play together. The majority of poly people I know, and myself have separate relationships with their partners. We do get together on birthdays and sometimes fet events, but we don't play together and it should never be expected. It sounds like you still have a lot to learn, but mostly you need to better understand your partners needs.

[Te****]

You live with her Gran? I’d suggest you stand on your own two feet a bit, before making demands on others!

[th****]

I am going to try my best to give you good, fair advice.
I am poly and I always encourage other folks to be poly. However, I feel like you should take a step back and breathe. You should reanalyse your situation.

From what I understand, you started experimenting with having 2 different girlfriends in your life because you figured one would eventually dump you and you would be with the one who was left.
That sounds like you were trying to cover your ass, because you were afraid of being alone. You were looking for a backup to your relationship. It's become a problem now because you've started loving the both of them equally and you equally wanna be involved in their life.

Now, you see your insecurity from back then? Take that insecurity and see how your wife feels.
I am assuming your wife is 42-43 because you're 34 and you said your girlfriend is 20 years younger than her. I am gonna say your gf's age is 22-23.

Your wife feels insecure about sharing you with a much younger woman. Bud, you may have hidden it from her, but I think she understands that you were trying to cover your own ass. You may not mean it this way, but the way she reads into it is that you're fine with being in a relationship with whomever as long as you're in a relationship. She feels replaceable.
Despite having that insecurity— she is still open to you pursuing your relationship with your girlfriend. Honestly? To me, that sounds like a really loving wife. It sounds like a woman who is willing to see her insecurities and work around them so that you're happy.

She has boundaries about wanting to have sex with your girlfriend or wanting her to live with the both of you. Those are reasonable boundaries. She may have had some attraction to the younger girl initially, but it may have faded. She may also not feel comfortable with her living with the both of you. Those aren't unreasonable feelings.

So what do you do? Address those feelings and reassure her.
You aren't going to change the dynamic overnight — but you can improve it over a few months.

Make your wife feel appreciated and let her feel like she is being listened to. Make her feel like you aren't going to replace her for saying no to you or disagreeing with you. Show her that you care enough about her to compromise.

Your gf may live with her grandma, but she is still allowed to go outside. Take her out and appreciate her with little dates. Take her to the park, or on a long drive. Show your girlfriend that she matters too, that you are willing to put effort into dating her and you care more about her feelings than just having easy access to her.

Work on a schedule with your wife. Tell her that you want to spend time with your gf and even if she isn't living with you — is it possible for you to have her over sometimes during the week.

If you show your wife that you want to be supportive of her feelings, she will negotiate with you and be reasonable with you.

[De****]

After re-reading this it appears your concern are that you don’t have a place for threesomes and one of your girlfriends is uncomfortable with poly. Your older girlfriend has a larger house but doesn’t want to have threesomes or have others in her home. It’s her home and she has every right to want it to feel safe for her. Your younger girlfriend lives with her grandma so you can’t have threesomes there. The main advice is simple. Consent is key. Consent is the difference between kink/bdsm and ***, adultery, ***, etc. You can’t *** consent. You can’t coerce consent. If one of your girlfriends doesn’t want threesomes, poly, etc she doesn’t want it. You have to decide if that works for you or not. If you need a place for threesomes get your own place or buy a hotel room.

[gr****]

Well I mean we are constantly trying to work on it. We all actually lived together for the first 9 months Kristi knew what she was getting into cuz I was still going through a breakup me n shi were in but 1 not me n shi got into an argument I tell her to leave im done with her that’s the1st night I had sex with Kristi although shi had already sad I could sleep with her but Kristi thought the fight was a perment thing not just a night r two to cool off. So she was in denial the longest but she knows that and is trying … I stay 2 nights at Shi’s when she off work. And live with Kristi cuz she’s the primary. They r (friends) cuz of me really. But we kinda been keeping everything separate but now trying to communicate more make a calendar for planned events But Kristi is thinking we need to try to b more like a family idk if that means more open about everything n me n shis sexual explorations that are mainly just talk cuz we suck at finding people. Or like an actual poly family since shi wants a gf. Idk. I sent Kristi a long message about how I want to b motivated to fix the house up for something

[De****]

Maybe the motivation for fixing up your home should be that your girlfriend has given you a home and you want to show your appreciation.