Is the Dom/Sub really concrete?

[GeneGrey]

I was wondering if there’s some sort of balance to the relationships? From what I know I thought the whole Dom/Sub is pretty straightforward. As in a submissive would obey what their dominant would want to do with them. I’m not saying as in being treated like a prisoner of course not that would be considered for discussion for sure about it.  But as in following rules and obeying to their commands.

Now, I want to know is there are other kinds of Dom/Sub balances that I don’t know about yet. Like, let’s say a Dom doesn’t want their Sub to be completely submissive but to have has some sort of back bone in the relationship to make the relationship more interesting. The Dom would be open to suggestions or even ideas from their Sub to make the dynamic better. 
 

 

[No****]

My Dom is totally open to ideas. It wouldn’t work if everything only came from him.

[DaddySteelyDan]

Like everything, the dynamic is on a spectrum. Some live it 24/7. Some only when they’re alone. There are soft Doms and Power Doms. Some subs’ boundaries are very restrictive, while other submit completely, without question. If you can imagine a variation of the dynamic it exists somewhere in the community

[kaollle]

It would depend on the person and the party as the couple if they want to change things off and on so you will have to talk to the other to see what they are into and if they agree to it

[TimberTara]

It all depends on what she wants

[Ca****]

I think both the Dom and the Sub should be open to ideas about their dynamic as its something that is established for them both. But dynamics are never straightforward or black and white, the terms and expectations are usually laid out and agreed on between both parties first. But the role of a Dom should never just to be making demands and commands. As a Dom you should care for your Submissive and want to nourish and see them grow and better themselves. You are also being afforded something very vital and important which is their trust. Trust that you will prioritise their safety and wellbeing, its something very important that shouldn't be taken lightly.

[ey****]

While there's a lot of common tropes - what the dynamic ultimately looks like is what works for both parties.   

So when you see a D/s couple and the D gives a command and the s automatically obeys - in a lot of cases it took a lot of working to get to that point.  

[Shilo66]

The dynamic is whatever all the people involved in that particular dynamic want it to be. 

You set your own rules (consents) and adhere to them. By the way, those rules aren't set in concrete. You'll probably modify some or all as the relationship goes on /develops. Again, this is between all the parties involved.

No one outside can tell you otherwise, because it's all about what works for your dynamic.

 

[Di****]

You know what is wrong with your thinking is that you’re looking for control. But you need to earn that. I have a friend in Lagos. She’s brilliant and is like a strawboss for nestle. Nestle hires kids to be like stockers but on bikes distributing their poison powdered milk and stuff. Her life is basically like here, but the internet isn’t good. And her take on a submissive woman is anticipating my needs and desire. And that’s just what’s happening before dinner.



We were talking about boundaries on something once. She said,
Americans sexualize everything! I don’t want consent in my marriage.

She wants to be taken, and well kept, she even says she wants to be owned.

I’m like Ogo I feel you but…. Then I thought but she was gonna f me to death, she just would have smiled. And she will try to be good, but want me to punish her if I’m annoyed!

Her submission is like dominating from below lol. So not for everyone, but I like her style. And she is very brave.

Her submissive style or nature is from 1000s of years of culture. Which is breaking down

[Deleted Member]

The kind of dynamic you’re referring to where a sub (or often slave) has no say is known as “total power exchange”. Most Dom/sub dynamics do not come anywhere near TPE and exist either only during play (sex) or for even 24/7 dynamics like I have with one of my subs, it’s still fairly casual. We have some rules, but I don’t control her every decision. She has her own independence and autonomy. Other dynamics you may want to look into are alpha subs, brats, primal prey and tops/bottoms.

[Deleted Member]

Like every relationship, even D/s varies between people. Just because something works for one, doesn't mean it works for another. That's a lot of vetting, time, and open and honest communication is required before agreeing to enter into any kink related relationships. Everyone needs to have similar goals, wants, and limits.

[Deleted Member]

Everything should be confronted before any terms are agreed to. What both parties want and need. Safe words, goals, ext. communication is key, if there is poor communication from either party. It can make things difficult moving forward.

[Wr****]

Shouldn't be. Things be fluid.

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, Written_Desires said:

Shouldn't be. Things be fluid.

Fluid if there’s interactions in person and some communication. Two word messages and a nude here or there isn’t communication. I recently took on a dom/sub relationship. 3 weeks ago. We talked a little discussed our wants and needs. There was resistance in punishment over a task as she is a brat. But then refused to be punished…… which was what she wanted. I’m still very confused on what happened here. With lack of communication I have no idea.

[On****]

6 hours ago, bigbanana10 said:

Fluid if there’s interactions in person and some communication. Two word messages and a nude here or there isn’t communication. I recently took on a dom/sub relationship. 3 weeks ago. We talked a little discussed our wants and needs. There was resistance in punishment over a task as she is a brat. But then refused to be punished…… which was what she wanted. I’m still very confused on what happened here. With lack of communication I have no idea.

Perhaps it was a lack of confidence, confidence in the correction, in herself or in you. Don't take it personally this is why we have communication and negociation, to see if we are fit for eachother. Your style for punishment/correction didn't fit well with her perhaps. If this were a long term dynamic there needs to be flexibility in re-negociation outside the power exchange because people do change, maybe something isn't sitting right that once did. In your case after three weeks maybe she felt your style wasn't a fit or lacked a flexibility she needed. I have also noticed the brats in my life acting up or bratting for attention, there's a very careful line I must walk between punishment for correction and funishment for attention. 14R

[Deleted Member]

From what I've learned, observed and experienced, each dynamic is as unique as it is to the individuals entering into it. It all can vary depending on the wants, needs and desires to be met from both sides of the slash. Educating yourself is a helpful step, and proper vetting is crucial! I have limited experience myself, I've never had an in person dynamic although I've been a submissive wife in the past. So I can't be too much help here. The most important things I've come across are that trust, communication, respect, and honesty are the pillars of a bdsm relationship, online or in person. Hope that helps!

[SirAES]

The good ol' Dom/sub, who is really in charge?

One could say: A Dom needs to be nurturing, knowing, educate, look after their sub as well as keeping things interesting while working within the confines of the Limits set out by the sub. So, thinking about it, the sub gets everything they want, safe from what they don't want... Just turn up and get what they want/need, which can often mean service, but if they want to serve then they basically get what they want.

As opposed to the surface-perception that Doms get what they want because they give the orders and it's pretty simple.

Honestly, like all relationships, it depends on the people. There are Service Doms, there are used/***d subs... And everything in-between.

Be yourself. And see where you sit.

[On****]

33 minutes ago, peachesinfetland said:

From what I've learned, observed and experienced, each dynamic is as unique as it is to the individuals entering into it. It all can vary depending on the wants, needs and desires to be met from both sides of the slash. Educating yourself is a helpful step, and proper vetting is crucial! I have limited experience myself, I've never had an in person dynamic although I've been a submissive wife in the past. So I can't be too much help here. The most important things I've come across are that trust, communication, respect, and honesty are the pillars of a bdsm relationship, online or in person. Hope that helps!

Well said 👏

[Deleted Member]

37 minutes ago, One4theRoad said:

Well said 👏

Thank you 🙂

[Mi****]

There are all kinds. Some want it strict and difficult, others want a nurturing and kind dom.

[De****]

Sub always has to develop new skills and what was inappropriate at the beginning should be wishful later

[GeneGrey]

On 5/23/2025 at 5:55 PM, KinkedAndInked said:

The kind of dynamic you’re referring to where a sub (or often slave) has no say is known as “total power exchange”. Most Dom/sub dynamics do not come anywhere near TPE and exist either only during play (sex) or for even 24/7 dynamics like I have with one of my subs, it’s still fairly casual. We have some rules, but I don’t control her every decision. She has her own independence and autonomy. Other dynamics you may want to look into are alpha subs, brats, primal prey and tops/bottoms.

This was the answer I was looking for. However, I still appreciated all the responses for those that  chimed in this thread. I don’t think I will be able to reply to all of them but thank you very much!