To dom or not to dom?

[Mr****]

I often encounter women who aren't experienced with a real Dom, is it really that rare to find a man that isn't vanilla?

Honest question.. only interested in the woman's perspective here.

[Deleted Member]

I feel like this inquiry is incomplete and or ***tered in what exactly is being illustrated versus what's being asked.

"A Real Dom" is such a loaded notion...

A person may not go in as far as someone else and then get called things like, fake or mild or not a real _____, or not as experienced etcetera...

What's vanilla to some....

I weren't aware that either vanilla nor non-vanilla men were difficult to locate 🤔🤷🏻‍♂️

[At****]

I’m sure it’s very easy to find pretend weekend doms who watched a hot video once and got some fun ideas.

An actual lifestyle dom who does the work that makes it work? Yeah I think it actually is pretty rare

[bo****]

As a submissive woman, I think it is incredibly difficult to find a Dom who understands that there is more to a D/s dynamic than telling your s-type what to do and saying good girl. Yes, every dynamic looks different, but it is my experience that there are a lot more frauds out there than legit Doms.

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, AtaraxianDreams said:

I’m sure it’s very easy to find pretend weekend doms who watched a hot video once and got some fun ideas.

An actual lifestyle dom who does the work that makes it work? Yeah I think it actually is pretty rare

Certainly to find such with whom one jives is rare but not Doms who've put in the research, time, work, efforts, educating themselves, consulting others and so forth..... right? Heh hmmmmm 😉😇

[De****]

I'm Domme-leaning but would submit to the right man. The problem is the majority of men on here message expecting immediate submission rather than earning it. It's honestly unsafe, toxic, and the number one sign of a fake Dom.

[An****]

Yes.

[At****]

23 minutes ago, NexumSange said:

Certainly to find such with whom one jives is rare but not Doms who've put in the research, time, work, efforts, educating themselves, consulting others and so forth..... right? Heh hmmmmm 😉😇

Think of how hard it is to just meet someone with the right chemistry right? Like vanilla. Then add on top of that you have to have a lot of trust and your kinks have to align partially and also like you said there’s time effort learning introspection from both parties that needs to be done.

I think it’s just a lot of stars have to align for the dynamic to blossom healthily and that makes it rarer to see experience with right?

I def don’t mean doom and gloom. But I do think it’s healthy to remember while posers are abound a lot of good doms and subs are waiting for their chance and those stars haven’t aligned for them yet.

[Bl****]

I mean, the whole title and lifestyle of a Dom is multi facet like a Sub. I know men who call themselves Dom and no nothing of BDSM, but I also know some who are just bad at being a Dom because they lack in the areas we’re in counts.
Projecting a bit, but being a Dom isn’t hard just requires imagination and a level
Of emotional intelligence

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, AtaraxianDreams said:

Think of how hard it is to just meet someone with the right chemistry right? Like vanilla. Then add on top of that you have to have a lot of trust and your kinks have to align partially and also like you said there’s time effort learning introspection from both parties that needs to be done.

I think it’s just a lot of stars have to align for the dynamic to blossom healthily and that makes it rarer to see experience with right?

I def don’t mean doom and gloom. But I do think it’s healthy to remember while posers are abound a lot of good doms and subs are waiting for their chance and those stars haven’t aligned for them yet.

Of course. Alignment isn't to what I took the OP to be referring, but I could be incorrect. 😇

[At****]

Alignment? My intent was just to puzzle out why it does feel so rare and how that’s probably normal. With a dash of
I think it’s good all of us be open to people who don’t have experience. Yet.

[De****]

I honestly didn't understand what a healthy D/s relationship looked like until I went to a dungeon. Now after being in the BDSM community for a while I've learned much safer ways of approaching relationships like this.

[ra****]

It is hard to find someone that understands the difference between book “Doms” and real Doms. Most see these sites and or read a book and think they have a handle and are just uniquely in charge. I also have limited scope with Dom’s and Domme’s but the legit ones stand out because you feel different with them.. as if you are in more concerted? Mutual? Effort… if that makes sense. Most guys don’t understand the community or learning from it… which makes it really hard.. i may also push real ones away without meaning to…

[gg****]

3 hours ago, NexumSange said:

I feel like this inquiry is incomplete and or ***tered in what exactly is being illustrated versus what's being asked.

"A Real Dom" is such a loaded notion...

A person may not go in as far as someone else and then get called things like, fake or mild or not a real _____, or not as experienced etcetera...

What's vanilla to some....

I weren't aware that either vanilla nor non-vanilla men were difficult to locate 🤔🤷🏻‍♂️

Well not really? It’s not ab vanilla or not. It’s about the fact that some of these doms are genuinely men who watched one video and thought hey I can do that but they don’t do the aftercare the foreplay. They usually don’t have that sweet caring side and don’t care as much when you get hurt. And they’ll text you once a month and call it good. Real doms are the complete opposite 😂 and usually their bio has a NOVEL ab them their kinks what they wanna do. Most of the guys on here do not have that. There are “doms” then there are doms. the real ones who understand how a dom/sub relationship is supposed to work.

[Deleted Member]

Yeah, it’s rare.

[EmpressKK]

As a Domme, I've met, chatted with, and liked, several really good Doms, but not on here. I have several close friends who are Doms. Finding good lifestyle Doms is when you socialise, attending munches, events, or private parties. They are out there.

[Be****]

So, I don’t consider myself a “dom” but I can def be more dominant, and I’m def not vanilla lol

[wb****]

The majority of the messages / guys I have run into here are after one thing and it’s not a D/s relationship. Hell it’s not even a relationship. There have only been maybe 5 or 6 who didn’t immediately (I mean within the first 5 messages) ask if I wanna duck or ask for nudes or send dick pics.
Other side of finding an actual Dom here is finding one who isn’t already in a relationship. If you’re wanting something monogamous.
In my opinion it is very hard to find a single person who is actually a Dom and not someone just looking for an easy lay or a side piece on here. I haven’t been to any events, I’m sure it would be much easier at one of those.
I’m sure the flip side to this is also try. There are probably quite a few “subs” who don’t know what it means to actually submit. With the abundance of romance & dark romance novels I’m sure there are a number of people thinking it’s just about having someone boss them around. Then these people walk away having had a horrible experience thinking all Dom/doms are like that.
It’s unfortunate there are so many who come to this and other sites like it not really know what it should/n’t be like. Or are unwilling to learn/educate themselves on the craft.

[Hezzair]

I have found plenty of guys who say they are "Doms" and when I start to question them on their actual experience level, they can't answer basic questions about D/s that any good dom should be able to answer. For example, I had a guy who I knew from Fetlife who was also on here, so I was like, ok he is local to me and seems to be somewhat normal per his posts, let's ask him some questions. He didn't know what top and bottom meant. He didn't know what impact play was. He hadn't had any real experience with any type of restraint. I''m sorry but smacking a woman on the ass and calling a good girl doesn't make you a Dom.

[Pinkglitterybrat]

Maybe it is not that it is hard to find a man who is not strictly vanilla and more about finding a man who understands the difference between saying they are a "real dom" and thinking that means they automatically receive access to the kinks they desire regardless of a subs experience and those who are a "real dom" who is genuinely happy to take their time understand a sub and exploring things to facilitate growth that could potentially include the kinks they desire but it is not their only goal.

[Hebert]

I am a real dom and there is nothing vanilla about me, I have it all, bondage, masochist, slavery, toys and devices

[Ye****]

Because 9/10 men are “Dom” because they saw 50 shades of grey and are attracted to that sexually. Not because they have an interest in what a dom role includes and they can’t handle women who are submissive. They will claim they are dom but then the submissive gets bored in the relationship because they aren’t getting what they need and want out of it because everything becomes about the man. When it should be about the dom because the sub gets what they need out of it too. Just cause a women is submissive doesn’t mean she is an object and someone who doesn’t understand the dynamics brings that into a relationship. It is actually very hard to find true doms who won’t lie to you.