Is this behavior healthy for me?

[Alex-5385]

I can use some advice from the community as I believe my last girlfriend messed me up. Although, if not, and this is healthy, I'd like to accept it and incorporate it into the submissive side of my personality and explore it more. Either way is fine by me.

To get to the point, we had an on and off again "committed" relationship. She was active in the community as Pro-Domme and frequently sessioned which I was fine with as this was how we met. However, at the times we were "committed", she was with other men, multiple times over. This hurt me as I was deeply in love and lusting for her the whole time, as well as now still, after the breakup. She was the first serious sexual encounter I had, besides hopelessly pathetic sexual intercourse many times prior to this, with her it was deep bond. 

My relationship with her revolved around her son, as she was a single mother, as well as spending time together when she was not sessioning in the evenings. She would come to my house smelling like sex and tell me all about what she did. It really  turned me on and made me jealous. 

When I first saw her, I was exploring a spit fetish I have and paid her to tie me up and spit all over my face and body. It filled me with insatiable lust and still does when I think about it and I still want her. This fetish was brought into our vanilla life as well, and she would often spit on me and bitch at me, putting me in my place with ease.

Later in the relationship, I struggled with the inability to have something meaningful with long term commitment with her. She refused to stop sessioning and I wanted to m,arry a woman I was in love with. I figured eventually would happen with her, if not someone else.

The possibly unhealthy part came later in the relationship, when I made moves to accept her sessioning in our serious relationship and incorporate it into my fetish life with her. I think I went overboard, as I gave her full permission to make unreasonable demand on me which I would meet. She would call me if I was minutes late to tear me apart, blow up my phone with texts , and constantly accuse me of cheating on her. The nerve of her to do this - while in a hotel room or coming home from one after just having sex with other men.

Regardless I liked this *** but I may have took it too far... Just a few things that happened and there are many more. When I was late one day, she put me on my knees on her bathroom floor and called me horrible names and covered my whole face in her spit and spit on the ground and made me lick it up. I then was ***d to worship her shoes while she ignored me and text messaged other men. A few weeks earlier found out she was escorting, which she was doing the whole time, and lied about to me, saying it was only fetish and domination. She had the audacity to review her site right in front of me while I rubbed her feet. That night I drove her to her hotel where she had sex with a client, and bought her a charger for her iPhone as she demanded and waited for her. Many times over, I watched her kid and she told me to work on her Dominatrix website and clean her house while she was away. She would send me pictures sticking her tongue out both before and after meeting clients. When I expressed how much I wanted her, she responded with disgust and told me to wait my turn or would ignore me. It was ***.

Anyhow - my question is, do I accept all this and incorporate it? Or do I fight it with therapy and reject it? I don't know if rejecting it will even help. I feel like it is ingrained and never leaving me. What to do?

[Kalmoon]

This is a gargantuan case of wholesale ***, I have had shit on me quite a few times but your story had my jaw hit the floor. You must move on from this, she just is using her position to bitch play you. Fight back and move on!

[Vandalslut]

This is really indepth sharing and you've made the first positive step - seeking help and advice.  It seems that the type of relationship you and she were going to have was never established  from the word go. It appears that she wanted a poly relationship and that's OK - as long as that's established and agreed upon from the beginning and everyone involved is aware of their rights, responsibilities, roles, etc. In any relationship there needs to be honesty, and she has not been honest with you or about you.

Unless being lied to, being lied about, baby sitting and receiving responses of disgust feed your *** fetish,   then get away from this woman. Rejecting all that's happened will not help. You can't change the past and you can't pretend none of this happened, but you can look at it differently. Blessings, and best of luck.

Kalmoon has a point - it does sound like wholesale *** and bitchery. If that turns you on, then stay with it, but it appears that you are not very happy at all. You have the power to change your situation.

Edited May 8, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Kalmoon]

I did mean that too, I'm just really rubbish at having it out!

[ey****]

So; reading through there's a number of things that highlights what a clusterfuck elements of this relationship was

there were mistakes both of you made and from your perspective it is important you learn from these both to avoid making the mistakes in the future and also to spot sooner if someone is misunderstanding or mistreating you.

-

(1) Don't try to get a sex worker to stop doing sex work

I've seen this from guys so many times and it's nuts.    I meet ladies who say they won't date clients and the reason they won't date clients is fairly simple because the now boyfriend often will fall into one of a number of traps.  In your case the trap you fell into was wanting her to quit.

All work has good and bad days - but a lot of ladies who do sex work don't need rescuing.  This means you have to accept they will continue doing the job. Even if you are in a position where you have a wage that means she doesn't "have" to do the work, this then puts her at the mercy of you and your relationship lasting. 

It also involves her leaving a job she likely otherwise enjoys - in favour of what? Sitting at home bored? Doing an office job in an environment that potentially looks down on her for her previous career?

So this is something that you have to accept that she will continue to see clients

Obviously there was dishonesty regarding escorting - that was certainly a failure on her part.

One thing you do have to remember is that it is work and they are clients - while she may be having sex or doing other things, it's ultimately work.  It's interesting that men might be uncomfortable with their partners in an environment where consent is core - but would be happy for their wives to do bar or office work where different levels of sexual harassment may be common.

Likewise, a lady working in a bar might have customers she enjoys chatting to, but ultimately she's nice to sell drinks.

Perhaps within this you had a slight paranoia because you met her through work and that she may meet someone else "better" the same way those are insecurities you have to challenge.

(2) Kink in your personal life didn't seem well communicated

There was stuff that in the early days seemed to turn you on that then became a problem later.  For example - that her telling you what she did with other men turned you on at first but then became a problem - did you communicated you no longer wanted to hear this ?

(3) You giving full consent

I imagine this was possibly a flip in the hope if she could do "what she wants" with you then she wouldn't with others but, return to step 1.

In doing this this confused the matter further - I imagine she spent time wondering, aside from her quitting her job, what you actually wanted kinkwise in the relationship.

(4) But she should have picked up on some of this!

I feel at this point I've been down on you - this is not the intention.  The intention is to pick out some of the key flags to try to help see potential failures so they don't happen again.

She should have saw you were unhappy with the situation, tried to clarify what you wanted kinkwise and whilst her quitting her job would be unfair, there's compromises could be made regarding things you do for her in it and what you want to hear.

(5) Domme-itus.

I heard a good phrase a while ago called 'Domitus' which is basically when someone is surrounded by people telling them how wonderful they are they start to believe that shit.

If she's going out and working sessions with people telling her how wonderful she is - and assorted praise about how wonderful she is - then coming home to you in a kinda sub mode then this doesn't draw a line between personas and that's massively unhealthy.   

--

The question from this on where to go is to accept that yeah, this isn't a norm - it's an unhealthy situation.  If you feel therapy would help I'd recommend going for it.  There are things you can take for future relationships which, if nothing else, means you can spot things as being unhealthy sooner and nip things in the bud before they go too far and you get hurt.

[Alex-5385]

Thank you for the responses. To be clear, her and I are not seeing each other and haven't been for about 2 years. To be truthful, most of what happened, I liked, or at least I have consciously grown to accept and like, even the truly cruel parts of it. It certainly has stuck with me in a profound way.

As I mentioned, I was hoping to marry and change things. What somewhat intrigues me is she didn't do so for me, but it is now currently married and not sessioning any more. To be honest, it bothers me, and makes me a little jealous, but not enough to affect me deeply. It is what is.

In a way, it's a good thing. I'm not ready for a serious marriage yet. Still working on self-knowledge.

 

 

[ey****]

2 minutes ago, Alex-5385 said:

What somewhat intrigues me is she didn't do so for me, but it is now currently married and not sessioning any more. To be honest, it bothers me, and makes me a little jealous, but not enough to affect me deeply. It is what is.

if it's as long ago as 2 years ago, she may have wised to where someone of her own behaviour was toxic and it's caused her to do a total u-turn from kink

she wouldn't be the first, probably won't be the last.

 

[cautiousswitch]

1 hour ago, Alex-5385 said:

A few weeks earlier found out she was escorting, which she was doing the whole time, and lied about to me, saying it was only fetish and domination. She had the audacity to review her site right in front of me while I rubbed her feet.

Anyhow - my question is, do I accept all this and incorporate it? Or do I fight it with therapy and reject it? I don't know if rejecting it will even help. I feel like it is ingrained and never leaving me. What to do?

A lot of pro dommes specify no sexual activity on their sites.  I am assuming when you said she was still pro-domming earlier that you assumed this meant no sexual activity.  I'm also assuming that when you say she is escorting here you mean sexual activity.  She had the audacity to review her site sounds like the escorting part of her life has a different site than the domme part of her life (ignoring a sub when they worship you isn't really that audacious of and by itself).

She did lie to you about the escorting.  She can claim the right as a dominant to see other men, but would a real dominant have to lie about it.  If she does have a separate site for the escorting business then that just makes the lie seem bigger and is insulting to your intelligence - claims that it's just kink and domination when there's a whole web site saying otherwise.  Even without an escort web site she still persists in lying.  Is she practicing safe sex with these other men? She won't even admit to the sex so would you trust any answer she gave about using protection if she did admit to escorting?

It is only ingrained so far that it will not easily forget the experience.  Asking the question means that you still have a choice.  Leaving may take therapy, but you still have a choice.  I will predict that most people will tell you to leave her, that would be my advice too.  The final choice is still yours and the fact that you are asking about it shows that the situation is much deeper to you than a 'leave her' response can answer.  There are two things to consider.  First, this situation is obviously agitating and frustrating to you.  Do you want to incorporate that into your life or do you think you can learn to accept the situation to where it doesn't affect you in this way? Secondly, you are basically asking us if you have made a mistake.  How many times a day or week do you ask yourself that same question? Think of the circumstances that make you ask that question when making your decision.

[ey****]

(also - if this was 2 years ago - and you're in the US - SESTA/FOSTA came in and that made a lot of things difficult for a lot of sex workers) 

[Alex-5385]

22 minutes ago, Kalmoon said:

This is a gargantuan case of wholesale ***, I have had shit on me quite a few times but your story had my jaw hit the floor. You must move on from this, she just is using her position to bitch play you. Fight back and move on!

Thanks for the honesty, Kalmoon. I may have made it sound worse than it is. Parts of it were difficult, especially the "harassment" by phone. But I've learned from this, I want a little of that from a future partner. The honest feedback of keeping me on my toes and responsibilities is a benefit from a partner. Us men tend to slack off on our lives without a woman in it, at least in my opinion.

[ey****]

1 minute ago, cautiousswitch said:

A lot of pro dommes specify no sexual activity on their sites.

yeah and a lot really don't offer it.  But a lot have to mention that because of assorted local laws (that and it's easier to say no to some who are only interested in the sexual).

More than one Domme with "strictly no sexual activity" on their website has given me a hand job, foot job or fucked me with strap on.

 

[Alex-5385]

22 minutes ago, Vandalslut said:

This is really indepth sharing and you've made the first positive step - seeking help and advice.  It seems that the type of relationship you and she were going to have was never established  from the word go. It appears that she wanted a poly relationship and that's OK - as long as that's established and agreed upon from the beginning and everyone involved is aware of their rights, responsibilities, roles, etc. In any relationship there needs to be honesty, and she has not been honest with you or about you.

Unless being lied to, being lied about, baby sitting and receiving responses of disgust feed your *** fetish,   then get away from this woman. Rejecting all that's happened will not help. You can't change the past and you can't pretend none of this happened, but you can look at it differently. Blessings, and best of luck.

Kalmoon has a point - it does sound like wholesale *** and bitchery. If that turns you on, then stay with it, but it appears that you are not very happy at all. You have the power to change your situation.

 

Thanks, Vandalslut. I learned honesty is the best policy in all aspects of life. Otherwise what's the point? You can't learn much without it.

Communication was definitely an issue with her. I learned a lot there and in general with people. So it was a good thing - brought out of some bad. Happy for that.

 

 

[cautiousswitch]

Just now, eyemblacksheep said:

More than one Domme with "strictly no sexual activity" on their website has given me a hand job, foot job or fucked me with strap on.

 

Thanks to Bill Clinton, sex in the US is specifically genital to genital, so none of that counts here.

[Vandalslut]

41 minutes ago, Kalmoon said:

I did mean that too, I'm just really rubbish at having it out!

No you're not....

[Vandalslut]

27 minutes ago, Alex-5385 said:

Thanks, Vandalslut. I learned honesty is the best policy in all aspects of life. Otherwise what's the point? You can't learn much without it.

Communication was definitely an issue with her. I learned a lot there and in general with people. So it was a good thing - brought out of some bad. Happy for that.

If you've learnt a lot, then great. Honesty IS the best policy and a successful relationship must have that or - too true - there is no point. It's an essential, whether we're BDSM or vanilla. She chose to tell lies. She also chose to let you discover the lies. She's gone, now married - so in your next relationship, set the boundaries, expectations, hard/soft limits and definitions first.  They can be reviewed and changed as the relationship progresses, by BOTH parties. They're not up for change whenever one or the other just feels like it with no discussion.  If parts of this relationship were difficult and she was aware of that and didn't wish to respond in any positive or healthy way, then it is abusive.  *** only continues as long as you allow it. Start afresh with someone new - at present, I feel sorry for whoever she married.