Intimacy + exploring after long relationship

[Th****]

I have been in a long (14y+ marriage, monogamous, open the last year), single now for 3y. After doing a deep dive into my needs + wants + what I am able to give in a LTR, I have started selectively exploring.

In my 20ies + 30ies I have been through longer stretches of being single voluntarily and had open relationships which worked really well at that time.

Now I seem to not be so open about people entering my life . The thing is : I can’t cum if there’s no connection.

I have a super high libido though.

I sometimes go to kinky parties and really don’t have issues with connecting or people hitting me up here or on regular dating platforms. Yet I barely choose someone and just dance around like a horny, touch deprived wolf, wishing things be different.

My friends tell me to just do whatever, now is the time - I can’t .

I need to feel intellectually aroused, emotionally caught a bit, physically drawn .

I am on here for a while now mainly to read, connect with potential longtime players partners or (may I say it) find a fitting primary partner.

I’d like to hear your experience if you‘ve been in similar scenarios, what helped, what did not help ?

TLDR :
Navigating single life and kink after super long LTR

[Re****]

14+ marriagies!? Use must be rich.

[Thebull78]

Been through the same exact situation and still am.

[Fe****]

I know that block. "First fuck my brain, then you get my d.... Ehm... body!" 😁My solution: F+. Would/could that work for you? Maybe more then one F+? Or a polyF+?

[Wh****]

Being Demisexual is tough, but when you find that right connection sparks fly. They're right to do what you want, but what you want may be different than what they think, you got this!

[Fe****]

Btw. I am married for 20+ years now and had and have various affairs, not including but with knowledge of my wife.

[to****]

Was in a toxic relationship for over 15. After that end all the fun really started after. It took me a few years of trying new people out and all the kinky thoughts I had before getting back into longer things. My terrible advice is the immortal words of Taco Bell “live mas”

[ge****]

Single life is challenging for sure. As a much younger man I “preferred” the emotional and intellectual connection from a monogamous relationship and thrive when committed. I’ve been single 5 years and refuse to settle for anything less than a wonderful, emotionally, and intellectually engaging partner… all this said, it’s difficult locating her! If you see her please tell her I’m here! 😊
Richard

[Deleted Member]

Im sorry to say, the depth that you seek doesn't exist on kink sites. Everyone is looking to play and rarely takes anything seriously. Many will love-bomb to get what they want and ghost. Kink dating is wors than vanilla dating. Be prepared for disappointment. Lots of it.

[To****]

Bam

[Th****]

1 hour ago, Fehmarn68bi said:

I know that block. "First fuck my brain, then you get my d.... Ehm... body!" 😁My solution: F+. Would/could that work for you? Maybe more then one F+? Or a polyF+?

Doesn’t really work when their hearts are not open . My body then shuts down immediately

[Deleted Member]

Damn lol

[Ha****]

For me, it’s less about freedom to do anything and more about choosing what actually nourishes me. I don’t crave volume or variety—I crave depth, clarity, and someone who meets me where I am: complex, evolved, and not performing desire just to feel desired.

There’s nothing wrong with moving slowly or wanting something that matches your current capacity. You’ve earned the right to define intimacy on your own terms, even if it looks nothing like what people think “freedom” should be.

[as****]

Well why don’t you start slow with some chats and role plays

[On****]

1 hour ago, BourgeoisBlaque said:

Im sorry to say, the depth that you seek doesn't exist on kink sites. Everyone is looking to play and rarely takes anything seriously. Many will love-bomb to get what they want and ghost. Kink dating is wors than vanilla dating. Be prepared for disappointment. Lots of it.

I couldn't disagree more with this statement. The kink world and vanilla world both are filled with predators however unlike the vanilla world in the kink/bdsm community there's more structure and protocol if you choose to learn. What's healthy and what is not, trust, consent and boundaries to keep you safe and more importantly knowing what is or isn't a fit for you. It's up to you what you're willing to put into it and to learn.

[Th****]

43 minutes ago, HappyFatLady said:

For me, it’s less about freedom to do anything and more about choosing what actually nourishes me. I don’t crave volume or variety—I crave depth, clarity, and someone who meets me where I am: complex, evolved, and not performing desire just to feel desired.

There’s nothing wrong with moving slowly or wanting something that matches your current capacity. You’ve earned the right to define intimacy on your own terms, even if it looks nothing like what people think “freedom” should be.

Thank you for helping me re-framing that . It resonates with my heart

[Ha****]

2 minutes ago, TheGoodGirl_ said:

Thank you for helping me re-framing that . It resonates with my heart

Anytime! I also ended a 11 year relationship, currently coparenting toddlers, and sharing a home with my former partner… so I’m well vested in how to navigate a new self and normal when it comes to intimacy and kink 😉

[Deleted Member]

My wife left 2 months ago it's ***ful but now i can explore my sexuality

[bi****]

"Yet I barely choose someone and just dance around " - here's the core problem. You're used to having someone you are already connected with, but now you're finding new people but have forgotten that the connection has to now be made from scratch. I know its a nuisance, but it has to be done. So find one of these many potentials, suss them out a little to see if they are a possibility, then go ahead and touch. Make that connection, talk, find common kink, explore it in a non-sexual/intimate manner, like playing, and then that connection you want will appear all by itself. Or it won't, so rinse and repeat.

[hu****]

^this. For some its too much work but think of it as investing in yourself. Youre good enough. Don't be afraid of new and especially dont be scared to be happy again

[Ha****]

Reading some of these comments, I realize a lot of people don’t understand what being demisexual is… and using phrases like “explore it in a non-sexual intimate manner like playing”, isn’t that simple. But I get it, it’s hard for some to comprehend that there are some who need a true, rooted connection BEFORE any type of playing can happen.

[Mr****]

Girl I'm in a similar situation I started my deep dive a few months ago but I'm still married.... I really hope you find what you are look for soon. I know it can be draining

[ju****]

I have a very similar experience. After my long marriage I thought I could “have fun” and do hook ups or ONS, but those left me feeling unfulfilled and craving more. I don’t desire monogamy, cohabitation, or any of the other stepping stones of traditional relationships. I value deep connections, friendship, respect, and autonomy. It’s taken time, and self reflection to figure this out about myself. Letting go of shame of being or wanting “too much” from people. Navigating the scene to find anyone in alignment sometimes feels impossible…but I promise there are gems out there, you just have to dig though A LOT of sh*t to find them.

[zu****]

After I was divorced I tried dating and discovered that no matter how much I wanted to be a Ho I just couldn’t. I needed intellectual stimulation. I needed to feel connected to my partner. When I was cornered into physical intimacy I felt like something must be wrong with me because I just wasn’t into it but a brief dalliance back with my ex reassured me that was definitely not the case. I’ve had to convince myself to leave the past in the past though. Now I wish I could find someone to connect with, someone I could trust, someone to play with, day dream about and share basic things in life as well.

[HertsBedsBucksDom]

I'm not a Dr ... a psychologist, just someone with life experience.

i can't cum unless I'm mentally stimulated (connected DEEPLY in the moment of f**king). I don't know why ... perhaps I've seen to much porn? The physical act is not enough. Have to have some kinky mental stimulus to accompany the physical act. And to be honest when that accompaniment kicks in ... the physical gets pushed to the background and I only see the reactionary output of my play partner.

And then I cum.

Why say all this?

It's obvious that the orgasm is linked to how you feel ... the moment.

Now I've only just realised that my play partner thinks in a similar way.

I'm a very average bloke physically yet my partner looks at me like I'm some Chippendale. She turns into a soppy, doe eyed, giggly cuddle monster after f**king. So I'm doing something right.

The big take away here is ... It's not what I look like. It's what I've said leading up to and what I've done during.

What's my point?

Connections take time to flourish. As a reasonably intelligent, funny fucker with very high emotional intelligence, the number of unanswered messages or disinterested responses to thoughtful messages sent is astounding.

To cum ... you say you need a deep connection.

The only way your going to find a deep connection in here, is by looking past the average looking selfie and letting a conversation develop or yes being incredibly lucky and being struck by Cupid's kinky twin's "Zapper".

So you need to put more effort in.

You're not alone. Probably most women on here expect the guy to initiate contact, entertain them from the off. Does this happen in the real world? Sometimes yes. Why? Because your presented with expression ... and the guy sees a reaction and positive feedback from things said ... this feeds confidence and off it's goes.

In here ... your dealing with just words on a screen and a 2d selfie. Your expectations are unnatural and you're setting yourself up for failure by expecting to be entertained off the bat.

If the initial hello message isn't to your liking. Be polite and briefly say how you'd like to be spoken to and ask a question. If they respond like a twat then bin them.

A guy (or girl) has shown interest in you. They've taken a risk. Exposed themselves in an emotional sense by saying hello. And after a good number of unanswered messages they are probably not being their natural selves in order to get your attention and say something stupid.

My advice .. give the average looking guy a chance and show some interest and encourage Joe Average by asking them questions and drawing the real them out of their shell.

You might surprise yourself 😉