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The meaning of "no"

By Deleted Member
in BDSM Forum

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Deleted Member

Posted

Boys and girls

 

Let's forget shall we what we are for a short time, forget you're a Dom or Sub or at least claim to be, let's talk for a short time about Girls and Boys.

 

What is a man's first responsibility when it comes to girls? For me it's protection and care, an old school way of looking at things yes but one I firmly believe in. You can be a committed sadist yet your core instinct is care, you observe limits, learn about your partner as much as is possible before any hard-core scenes, you genuinely do care and if you don't then you are a danger and for me no "Dom" your something much darker and one who should be avoided at all costs.

 

Limits, boundaries, consent, care, respect etc are all key if you wish to really become what you claim to be yet day after day I see anything but that. I see "men" who don't understand simple English, I see "Men" who don't feel a submissive deserves any of these things and I see submissives who feel it's polite to reply to those who don't understand what no means, I see submissives who feel uncomfortable using the block button especially the younger ones. I'm lucky I talk to a few lasses and why do they chat back? Because I talk to them as i would a girl I met in the street. If you met a lass say in the local shop would you ask her to get her tits out there and then? No of course not so why do it on here? If you think the lasses on here are an "easy touch" then generally you are mistaken, just because a girl joins a site like this it does not make them desperate and you have to get the notion that any interest will have them throwing themselves at you clothes flying off as they do out of your head, that is not how it works. You would be polite and respectful, knowing full well that charm is always a good starting point so why not apply the same on here? What wrong with applying common decency to any connections you may make? Those who don't have it all wrong and again should be avoided, there are those tsubmissives that enjoy disrespect straight from the off yes but the MAJORITY don't.

 

Day after day I see complaints in the lobby from Girls about "Doms" who don't get the basics of what it is to be a man so for those who can't grasp the basics a few pointers that may help.

 

1 "No thanks" means they are not interested and should then be left alone.

 

2 if you message, can see it's been read and have received no reply refer to rule 1, There is no need to then go bleating on their wall "hey baby, I've messaged you, why havn't you replied?" Errrrrr rule 1 fellas. She hasn't replied because shes not interested. It's not difficult to work out, accept it, be what you claim to be, a "man" and act like one.

 

3 I've been rejected many times, no one likes rejection including me, it's not fun but again be the "man" you claim to be, take it on the chin, wish them well and leave them in peace. Why send spiteful messages just because you can't handle the fact they dont fancy you? You start that shit again you're far from the "man" you claim to be. You're pathetic and weak, not really dom qualities as far as I understand it. There was a girl who rejected me when I first joined the site yet now we are becoming friends and who knows where that may lead, why are we becoming friends? Because I was respectful and polite when turned away, I didn't spit my dummy out and take it personally, think about that eh, friendship is always a good starting point and you just don't know where that may lead.

 

4 a lot of the girls on here talk to each other you know, be a dick with one and word does get around, do you really want to be known throughout the community as one to be avoided? Blacklisted to a life of online porn with ya dick in your hand? Thats where you are heading unless you change your ways.

 

For me we seem sometimes to forget that wrapped up in our "role" that sometimes we forget what we are, people. We forget the basics of decency, if you think the rules change in BDSM then your mistakes. If anything those rules apply even more, they are key for making a fun, safe environment and one more key point for you to consider and I say this to the submissives. If a "dom" can't respect boundaries when messaging could that man then be trusted to respect your safe word or limits especially when your bound and gagged? Makes you think doesn't it.

 

You Subs who may be reading this need to speak out more, shame those who don't get what "no" means as without action these men will keep doing it over and over. You submissives hold the power here and it's your choice how you deal with these men but nothing will change unless you make it happen.


 

Ma****

Ma****

Posted
1 hour ago, PixieDust said:

"Applauds"  Very well said and thank you 

Can i quote this on my profile? I've been saying my own version of this for years just now where near as eloquently

Vandalslut

Vandalslut

Posted

DonnyKinkster, I am a submissive and you are a real gentleman AND Dom in every sense of the word. The world would be much improved if there were more like you.  There are a few real gentlemen and real Dominants in this site and I feel very privileged and special to know them. Of course, there's a few that claim the title of Dominant and then immediately prove they haven't the first idea of what it means at any level and sadly, they'll always be around, blaming everyone for their failures.   Gene Simmons said in his autobiography: "You ask a girl, she says no. Say 'OK, thanks for being up front' and move on. The second one also says no. Say thanks again. Move on. The third one says 'yes.'  Don't regret the ones that said no, be glad about the one who said 'yes'!" It's not rocket science. I love your point that no man would ask a girl to get her tits out in the corner store. So true - so WHY ask 'em to do it here? It's as if there's a firm belief that in cyber space, any unmannerly, spiteful or abusive conduct somehow 'vanishes' and therefore is 'forgotten'. It doesn't vanish and it isn't forgotten. Ugly and unnecessary spitefulness just proves, as you say, they're pathetic and weak.

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

do you really want to be known throughout the community as one to be avoided? Blacklisted to a life of online porn with ya dick in your hand? Thats where you are heading unless you change your ways.

Love this especially! Gave me a great mental picture...:clapping:

Many of the submissives are speaking out and hopefully they're being heeded. It's the real men like yourself that facilitates the cause of what's basic good manners.  It's just a shame there will always be those alleged doms who refuse to listen. Ah, well - they'll be the lonely ones. Thank you, DonnyKinkster.  Your submissive will be a very lucky woman. Blessings.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

Thank you very much, Sir. Sorely needed saying.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

Great post @Donnykinkster and very true for life in general, not just on here and from a BDSM perspective.  A Dom relies on projecting an image of power and control but to really do this he or she needs to be in touch with the Devine feminine energy. I'd hazard a guess that you are in touch with the divine feminine energy, otherwise you'd be watching porn online with ya dick in ya hand lol. 

De****

De****

Posted

This is so refreshing to hear and making connections is absolute key, I gave just deleted a handful of these guys who are just looking for w***ing fodder, it is such a turn off and I do ask them that same question if I met you outside would you be asking me those questions.
I like to be given the respect that any person should be given end of story.

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

Well said @Donnykinkster. Some people just dont realize that common courtesy and manners apply to online dating too. 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

My favourite tune to beat on my drum 💗

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
3 hours ago, Bete_Noire said:

It’s all very heteronormative.. 😴

Yes because it's from my point of view, a heterosexual man. I did consider if I would cause offence in any way wording it with just "boys and girls" and if I have then you have my unreserved apologies and I will be sure to change my wording next time around 😊

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author
1 hour ago, little_dark_princess said:

My favourite tune to beat on my drum 💗

Because you have smarts and know your stuff.

Vandalslut

Vandalslut

Posted
1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Yes because it's from my point of view, a heterosexual man. I did consider if I would cause offence in any way wording it with just "boys and girls" and if I have then you have my unreserved apologies and I will be sure to change my wording next time around 😊

I rest my case - a real Dom.:green_heart:

4 hours ago, RowanGreenfire said:

A Dom relies on projecting an image of power and control but to really do this he or she needs to be in touch with the Devine feminine energy. I'd hazard a guess that you are in touch with the divine feminine energy, otherwise you'd be watching porn online with ya dick in ya hand lol. 

You said it all, Brother Rowan. Blessings.:star:

Th****

Th****

Posted

Well said... You can never say this too much.. Mutual respect out of a scene is such an essential part of this lifestyle.... Bravo

Wo****

Wo****

Posted

@everybody 

So much love ❤

 

You guys, most of you know, I believe in "God" ....

I find so much love, acceptance and wisdom within this community and lifestyle.

I find truth, a divine truth here, one that's missing from any church I've found.

This is my church.

 

"Take me to church by Hozier"

 

Deleted Member

Posted
  • Author

I hope those who need to will read your post Donny and let it sink in. It negatively affects this community when some of us are treated with disrespect.

TemptressM

TemptressM

Posted

Perfection is about all I can say,  very well said.

Leisa

Leisa

Posted

So well put and thoughtful. I’m a lady first and a submissive second. Don’t treat me like the lady I deserve than I don’t have time for you. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been insulted in messages. So often that I’ve stopped opening them much less responding. I already have a Dominant and don’t need another one so it goes twofold. I know there are dick pics in there because it says image before it’s ever opened. Some of these purported “Doms” don’t know the first thing about how to treat a lady so they’d definitely not know how to treat a submissive. Just like in the vanilla world, no means no. There is no trying to talk someone into a maybe or a yes. I’m not sure if it’s just lack of manners not taught or an entitlement mindset.

re****

re****

Posted
(edited)

Very well put. 

 

14 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

I see submissives who feel it's polite to reply to those who don't understand what no means, I see submissives who feel uncomfortable using the block button especially the younger ones.


 

There's are reasons for this though I do hate to admit it. 

Edited by reasyn
mu****

mu****

Posted

Eeremmmm being polite to not get blacklisted shouldn’t be a reason to be respectful, that’s just pretending then and manipulative, and for people who do that for that reason still have the same expectation. And more than a sub or a Dom this is just men having been taught that they are better cause they are men, they need to feel validation and how dare someone not give it. This is cause of the patriarchal society we live in all around the world and refuse to see how ingrained it is in us. This whole idea that all women are submissive and being submissive means not meaning a ‘no’. If I want to be beaten, I want no other man/Dom than the one I select to do it, and if I someone does something without my permission I have every right and strength to do the needful. Other’s opinion about what a sub should look like shouldn’t matter to any sub, only their own opinion.

ma****

ma****

Posted

Thank you for this post. It is incredibly important to treat your sub with respect, and kindness from the very beginning. Not to mention doing so allows a sub to trust and want to serve her/his Dominant more fully.

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