Fetish.com and a newbies view

[Deleted Member]

 

 

Before I begin I have no obias as in homophobia, I have no isms as in sexism, I care not your colour, creed, sexuality or gender, i judge no one on these things but i judge all on character, how you treat others especially those less fortunate or ***, those who may be weaker than ourselves be it physically or emotionally. I shall be referring to mainly men and women but this includes all in exactly the same way, be you non specific gender or transsexual, we are all people and deserve the same level of respect.

 

A year now I have been on this site, there were others before this, blogs, books, you tube videos but nothing prepares as practical hands on experience can. You could quite rightly call me a newbie but only to kink, not in life, I have vast experience with that and this is a key point which we will return to later.

 

A learner driver can read as much as they like, study videos, the highway code etc but when they sit in the car for the first time, an instructor sat beside them with other road users to deal with, that's when they truly start to learn. Kink is exactly the same, there is no substitute for integrating with real people in real life situations, debating with an open mind. I enjoy rattling cages as it prompts debate and discussion, something I use to to my advantage, a learning resource if you like. I've made mistakes, said things in hindsight I shouldn't have, had my knuckles rapped once or twice but again i use these to learn, to improve the man i am and to become a better human being for it. One of the times I had my knuckles wrapped was from a submissive, yep that's right a Dom taking a bollocking from a sub. I thought it through, realised she was completely right and apologised. She seemed a little surprised with my apology as if Doms shouldn't say sorry. Well I reject that straight away because before I am anything I'm a man and one who understands his character flaws, something for you to think about maybe especially if you are new, don't let your perceived view of what you are detract from the fact that first you are a man or a woman, your deviance for me should always come second.

 

So what has a year on this great site taught me?

 

Many different things but the first without doubt was my level of ignorance, lack of true knowledge and understanding. The books and research I mention help yes to understand the core values and traditions but not real people in real situations. Only interaction and an open mind will do that, only a willingness to embrace your ignorance without shame will help us become more so do not *** that ignorance, use it as I have and still do.

 

All are different, what works for one may not work for the next. Yes there are base protocols that are key but we can choose our own relationships/dynamics. We can be anything we desire with consent and a willing partner so don't think for one moment that there is a generic way of doing things. Stick to the four pillars and choose your own path, you can't go wrong. I have realised that what i actually thought i was a year ago was way off the mark and again interaction has taught me this.

 

There is no such thing as a silly question. I have seen time after time what we shall call high protocol players show patience and understanding, answering the same questions repeatedly. Do not *** those with knowledge or experience, talk to them, involve yourself in the threads, be prepared for differing views as this is how I have learned. They are generally top peeps and will quite happily share but you have to ask first. Be polite, show them the respect they have EARNED and you can't go wrong. They have helped me so much and I have no doubts will continue to do so.

 

Those for me you need to be aware of are generally in my view those who title themselves "Master/Expert." This really grates with me, to title yourself in this way is arrogance in its highest form and in some cases can be a little dangerous. A tenth Dan Karate black belt does not award himself the belts does he, his peers do, his peers decide if he has reached the required standard to wear his belt with pride, I hope you understand this point. I saw a so called "Master" kink shaming recently, those who enjoy scat. As far from a "Master' as in my view it's possible to be so don't for one minute think those who may have been in the scene for years are any better than you, more than you as often they are not. None of the "High protocol" players I have met call themselves Master or expert so there is a lesson to be learned there.

 

I've seen a few things and I shall list them now.

 

I've seen the worst than humanity has to offer, I've seen evil in its purest form, only once but it was there. It shook me to my core and I am not the type to be shaken easily. It even made me question whether this was the place for me. Upon reflection however I concluded that these "men" move around in the vanilla world as much as here so that made it easier to accept.

 

I've seen a submissive brainwashed when she was *** to suggestion, sobbing on the phone, destitute and lost. A situation I wish not to experience again but I talked her down, claimed her down and helped guide her away from this "Dom" and his spiteful ways.

 

I've seen many many good people helping each other with words and actions, a community if you are patient enough to hang about..In time you will see this but you must be patient.

 

I've seen newbies join and literally within hours be complaining "where are all the subs/doms?" Again patience is key. Would you go to a bar and expect within minutes of walking in to have  a lass on her knees offering herself? No of course not, you may need to take her on a few dates, get to know each other better before the prize is offered, why would it be any different here?

 

I understand so much better now what certain words mean but more importantly the context. Words such as "entitlement" an important one if you really do wish to evolve. The words themselves are not that important, it's the meaning behind them that really counts.

 

I've seen elitism, those who don't let you join their gang as you to their view don't belong here but again this never seems to come from the high protocol guys and gals.Ive seen a comment " it seems some are here only for the sex" yes I agree that may be the case but who are you to devalue them and their wants just because they may differ from your own. Yes it's a kink site but that doesn't mean it's only for those who enjoy Bdsm/Kink and any one has as much right to the site as anyone else.

 

I've seen submissives who's knowledge far outweighs that of many Doms, myself included. So again for me you can stick your protocol where the sun doesn't shine. If I see a sub who knows her stuff I will question her, I will use her experience to help me become more. Do not close your mind to the opinions of others no matter their role or orientation.

 

I've leaned that not everything cam be labled and sometimes not everything is black and white, there are many grey areas but again with consent those grey areas can be anything you wish.

 

I've learned not to rush, to think of emotion before you take a step, the emotions of your prospective partner. I rushed Into something I wasn't ready for a few months ago and hurt a real good lass. My selfishness to be involved in some thing caused *** but I have learned. I wasn't ready for something committed but at the time I thought I was, since then I have talked to many but always tried to keep them at arms length. I have no desire to repeat that mistake so think I will before I commit to anything else. I have had offers and chances with some fine ladies but my mistake caused me to just stay as I am for now, single but with a clear conscience and at peace. Im not ready just yet but I will be in time, patience and awareness of self is key.

 

I've seen many things and could go on and on for hours but more importantly I've learned a great deal, more about self that anything else. One key thing I know without doubt is many here get so wrapped up in what they think they should be they forget the person they really are. For me if your a good egg in vanilla and you hold on to that aspect of your personality it will reflect quite comfortably on a site like this. Do not change what you are, let it guide you through this darker world, keep the character you have in vanilla and use it in kink. The rules are basically the same, manners, respect, kindness etc. There is no need to think you need to change your base nature to fit in. It's something I considered a while ago, trying to be more of a "bastard" but then I would be living a lie wouldn't I? Not being true to self and if you want to be an accomplished kinksters you must first and always be true to what you are. To wear a mask is to live a lie and in time you will be found out, be what you are and roll with it but with an open mind. 

 

[Wo****]

LOVE thus post!

 

When I joined here I had no idea, really, of who I was/Am. I'm still discovering myself tbh.

I've met some brilliant people on here, people that have kept me grounded.

I've met evil, and I mean evil. He almost destroyed, actually he did destroy my life. I'm just building solid foundations from the rubble.

 

I came into bdsm knowing I was a masochistic submissive, I'm still discovering what that means for me.

I've learnt off people that have been around kink for years, from newbies, from "experts" (which oddly is pretty much always crap)...

 

I absolutely love debating different points of view and the recent discussions have been illuminating on quite a few levels.

[Brittone2]

Looking slick mate..
Good on you

[Hexy]

Love this ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 your journey has really resonated with mine. I've been on Fetish for nearly 3 years and i feel like i still have much to learn not only about this wonderful lifestyle but also myself also.
There is nothing wrong with admitting that we don't understand or had total ignorance over something and i actively encourage people to ask questions as the only silly question is the one left unasked.
I'm not sure what else i can add as i feel you have covvored more ground than i knew existed (once again proof that there is more to learn)

[TemptressM]

Love it, thank you Donny. 

There is no such thing as perfection and we should always be learning,  especially Dominants.  I have a pet who has been in this a lot longer than me and has helped me tremendously in becoming a better Domme.  If you close yourself off from advice just because it is coming from a submissive then you yourself are losing out. 

[Th****]

 An excellent piece Donny and a great example of “Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome.”

[li****]

This is brilliant post thank you @Donnykinkster !! I've been on this site for over two years now three if I hadn't taken a break. I've come across so many people on this site and learned so much from Dom/mes, subs, and slaves. I've learnt from my pass experiences also which we know were shocking and does happen to a lot of new subs unfortunately. I agree no question is a silly question we all need to learn and still do learn, I'm learning everyday and so is my Sir who has been in this lifestyle for over 15 years. I can't stand the users either that have master and or expert in their profile names!! Everyone learns in their own time and pace this is your own journey it's not a race or a sprint for the finishing line of I know everything blah blah blah!!!! I've come across some amazing people in this lifestyle and I love this community we have. 

[Jinxy]

Love this. Thank you for sharing your experiences. There are some really important points in your post but I especially love the comment about being who you are in vanilla. I’ve come across it time and again where people think they have to act a certain way to fit with the kink label they want to identify with. Nonsense! Make it your own. Let your personality reflect in how you approach your kink. And just like people aren’t one dimensional, neither does your kink side have to be. You can be a caring AND “mean” Dom/me, obedient AND mischievous sub, etc.

[Vandalslut]

Fabulous post, and put so well and simply. This one of the most worthwhile reads I've seen here for a while. It conveys vital meaning in its simplicity and straightforwardness. I've said it before and I'll say it again - DonnyKinkster, you see much and feel more, you know what's right for you and you're content with this knowledge. Like the Vandal and I, you have no *** of or issues with the vanilla world.

There are always three options in any situation. They may not always be great options, but they will be options. You've chosen the option to be  "...single but with a clear conscience and at peace". This is honesty and truth at its very best, at its most ideal. No situation is static - you will not always be single.  To feel peace in your heart and know your conscience is clear is far better than to live a lie, or have to be constantly on the alert to cover lies, be they written or spoken.

For me the most important thing you have said here is:

 

16 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

For me if your a good egg in vanilla and you hold on to that aspect of your personality it will reflect quite comfortably on a site like this. Do not change what you are, let it guide you through this darker world, keep the character you have in vanilla and use it in kink. The rules are basically the same, manners, respect, kindness etc. There is no need to think you need to change your base nature to fit in. It's something I considered a while ago, trying to be more of a "bastard" but then I would be living a lie wouldn't I? Not being true to self and if you want to be an accomplished kinksters you must first and always be true to what you are. To wear a mask is to live a lie and in time you will be found out...

This is so true. Truthfulness, truth will always out and will always shame the lies.  Those who show a blatant contempt for the truth, those who lie to gain glory and admiration, they will always be found out.

Thanks, DonnyKinkster. Love and blessings to you.

 

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, Hexy said:

Love this ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 your journey has really resonated with mine.

Thank you Hexy, that's very kind of you to say 😊😊. I think many of us from speaking to others share very simillar journeys. The confusion and isolation working it all out, takes time but the main thing is we seem to be getting there 😊

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, Thebian said:

 An excellent piece Donny and a great example of “Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome.”

Thank you for your words of encouragement @Thebian. It's nice to know I'm on the right path 😊

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, lil-monster said:

This is brilliant post thank you @Donnykinkster I'm learning everyday and so is my Sir who has been in this lifestyle for over 15 years. 

Its great to hear your Sir who has 15 years behind him is still learning. It seems I'm on the right path and from my limited knowledge I'm starting to realise learning in this world never stops. Always room to become more and with that improve knowledge. Thank you for taking the time to post @lil-monster. I think I sometimes just seek validation from those who are in the know that I'm moving in the right direction.

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Jinxy said:

 There are some really important points in your post but I especially love the comment about being who you are in vanilla. I’ve come across it time and again where people think they have to act a certain way to fit with the kink label they want to identify with. 

Hi @Jinxy. Yep me too and as I said I seriously pondered being something different especially when I first joined the site. I thought at one point emotionally I may be too soft but with guidence from those who have experience and knowledge I realised that was tosh. We have to be what we are, and now I'm comfortable with that. Hope you're well 😊

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

 

Thanks, DonnyKinkster. Love and blessings to you.

 

Morning, as always thank you for your words of encouragement @Vandalslut. Love and blessings right back at you both 😊

[Deleted Member]

@Donnykinkster I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and more often than not I totally agree. On this occasion I totally agree with @Vandalslut 😄 /|\

[Deleted Member]

I find this really interesting as a sub who has often been asked for guidance from newbie dominants/switches. To my bemusement to start with. As I haven’t been around for very long. And, hello, I’m a sub! And then someone I met recently (a switch) said in all of our connections - sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow. And that’s really rung true with me of late and might with you.

[Deleted Member]

What an amazing post @Donnykinkster, I’m new to this community and I have so much I want to learn. 
I came here because of my particular fetish for women’s feet and thought Why not go to a community where this will be readily understood and shared, I knows it’s the not the most unusual of fetishes but there was always somewhat of a mixed review when discussing this with other people in life. But now I’m on here one of the biggest questions now is whether I’m a Dom or a sub... how do I know which side I lay upon? In this patriarchal society we’re lead to believe that we are men and therefore dominant. Now I don’t share this view myself I must add, but there is little from society which would help one decide where they fit best.
 

does anyone have any advice on how to work out where they fit best? I feel drawn to something different and something inside me tells me that I have things yet undiscovered. I’m just eager to learn and I’ve been told there’s no such thing as a stupid question.. any advice would be great.

[Koby]

@Donnykinkster- Very reflective post. A great example of the continuous need to review and internally reflect.

 

[Gw****]

You're post is fantastic. I loved every word. I'm new to this online thing, but not to kink.  I have been very standoffish over the last few weeks; reading and observing.

There is so much to explore here. I have talked with a few people who have been here a while and a new person, too. 

I grew up when AOL chats where the thing, yet I have had difficult time getting a good feel about this space.  What you wrote sums up exactly how what I am searching for in a community, while validating the need to keep an eye out for the evil that lurks everywhere; not just here. 

I absolutely love getting to read and learn about the kink community and hope to find a few good friends along the way.  

Thankfully, this site helps a little with trying to filter out rotten fruit. 

Thanks again for such an amazing and encouraging post. 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Gwenadele