What Makes a Strong Submissive

[Leisa]

Before I began to write this article, I first went searching for a definition of what a submissive was and what being a submissive meant to those who elect to become a slave. 

Merriam-Webster defines a submissive (sub) as:

 (T)he quality exhibited in committing to the discretion or decision of another or others.  In the scene, a person that prefers to give up control to a Dominate in the course of a scene or in their relationship.  

Needless to say the definition given lacks depth and accuracy so instead, I had to go to others who live within the BDSM community to gain what I hope are clearer definitions as there are multifaceted levels of each of the role of submissive and that of a submissive slave. So I will go with what I term to be a submissive and what I believe the difference is between a submissive and a specialized submissive is such as a slave. 

 A submissive is someone who truly gives up control, albeit temporarily, within agreed upon limits of the Dominant and submissive but gets their satisfaction from aspects of submission rather than serving or being used by the Dominant.  

While still a submissive, the slave is generally one who is a full-time live-in fully consensual slave who lives within the limits and requirements set forth by the Dominate (often referred to as Master or Mistress), existing solely for the Dominant’s pleasure and well-being.  The slave expects to be viewed as a prized possession.  

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, it takes great strength to become a submissive regardless of the type of submissive one lives.    

While there is no stereotypical strong submissive, be it female or male, there a few qualities that everyone agreed upon for being a strong submissive.

·         Be an independent person who has good management of their own facilities to know her own mind,

·         Be able to communicate what it was that they want within the dynamic, being honest and upfront, being secure in themselves, who they are and what they want out of the relationship, having a willingness to move through the difficult times that will come,

·         Have the mindset of being happy to follow orders (even when those orders are contrary to the submissive’s preference), and in terms of being a male submissive just the act of admitting that they are a sub/slave makes them strong.  

·         Respect for each other be it Dom(me)/sub is a term that was heard through the discussions with other Dom(mes) and submissives and to be able to share oneself in an honest, open, shame free self-expression. 

·         A strong submissive would also take great pride and joy in seeing their Dominate thrive as you must want the best for them and not just yourself.  

These qualities make a strong submissive and makes for a holistic appeal across mind, body, and spirit.    

There are too many to name by name, but I’d like to thank all who contributed their opinions on what would make a strong submissive.

 

[Deleted Member]

A lesson maybe for the new subs who may think sub=doormat. A great read and I love how it clearly states a Sub is built of strength not weakness. A doormat holds no appeal to a man like me where as a woman of strength attracts all day long 😊

[Deleted Member]

A really thought provoking post, Leisa, thank you. Though I would argue that some submissives gain huge satisfaction from serving.

[bathguy]

Am very new to this world and a little inexperienced, but am enjoying reading articles like this to help put things into order in my head. I had a thought when i read this, don't know how correct it is (is anything correct for everyone), you are doing this to me because you enjoy the reaction you get from me, i enjoy you doing this to me because i like the reaction you give from my reaction to you doing it to me.

Edited June 30, 2020 by bathguy
Typo

[lo****]

👏🏻😘

[Leisa]

4 hours ago, Curvykate said:

A really thought provoking post, Leisa, thank you. Though I would argue that some submissives gain huge satisfaction from serving.

Curvy Kate you are completely correct and I appreciate you reminding everyone of this as I too get great pleasure in serving my Sir

[Leisa]

5 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

A lesson maybe for the new subs who may think sub=doormat. A great read and I love how it clearly states a Sub is built of strength not weakness. A doormat holds no appeal to a man like me where as a woman of strength attracts all day long 😊

Thanks Donny. I really appreciate the kind words.

[Deleted Member]

Another reason posts like this are so important especially for the young subs who may just be joining the scene is this. I work in the training of both young lads and lasses, now I'm the first experience they have within my field and if I were to train them wrong they would not know it's the wrong way, how could they? They have no experience to compare what I teach then against? So then they would think "this is normal, this is the way it is"  even though it may not be the way it is. Kink is the same and posts like this hopefully help those who may be new or naive see there is a certain way they can behave, certain things they should expect from a dom It helps protect them from those who carry spite. When I write I always write with the knowledge a newbie may be reading it, without wanting to sound like a prick I post in a way I hope may help others see what I believe is key to enjoying this lifestyle safely while enjoying all the positives it offers. I think from what I've learned on of the biggest fallacies of this scene is subs are weak and only weak Doms push that agenda. A weak dom DOES NOT have the strength to deal with a strong sub, that's why I think a lot may not like posts like this, it closes doors to them, makes it harder for them to find the doormats that they seek. However some subs enjoy and crave the doormat lifestyle and I judge them or there doms not at all if they are first fully informed and secondly give full consent for that doormat dynamic. Not for me though 😊

Edited June 30, 2020 by Deleted Member

[ol****]

A strong woman who chooses to submit is far preferable to a doormat. That said some people do enjoy serving and can gain satisfaction from doing so. But choosing to serve is not the same as being ***d to serve. Something that probably happens more in the vanilla world than in the world of kink.

[Leisa]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Another reason posts like this are so important especially for the young subs who may just be joining the scene is this. I work in the training of both young lads and lasses, now I'm the first experience they have within my field and if I were to train them wrong they would not know it's the wrong way, how could they? They have no experience to compare what I teach then against? So then they would think "this is normal, this is the way it is"  even though it may not be the way it is. Kink is the same and posts like this hopefully help those who may be new or naive see there is a certain way they can behave, certain things they should expect from a dom It helps protect them from those who carry spite. When I write I always write with the knowledge a newbie may be reading it, without wanting to sound like a prick I post in a way I hope may help others see what I believe is key to enjoying this lifestyle safely while enjoying all the positives it offers. I think from what I've learned on of the biggest fallacies of this scene is subs are weak and only weak Doms push that agenda. A weak dom DOES NOT have the strength to deal with a strong sub, that's why I think a lot may not like posts like this, it closes doors to them, makes it harder for them to find the doormats that they seek. However some subs enjoy and crave the doormat lifestyle and I judge them or there doms not at all if they are first fully informed and secondly give full consent for that doormat dynamic. Not for me though 😊

Donny as always I am humbled by your post.

[Jinxy-5083]

This topic is so important for people to understand that being truly submissive takes a core of strength. I tend to think the ones that don’t believe that should try doing it and experience for themselves how hard it can be to let go and put your trust and safety completely in someone else’s hands. 
 

Another great point was being an individual as a submissive and knowing your own mind. Knowing your boundaries and limits are every bit as important as knowing your kinks. Being able to firmly hold to yourself even within a dynamic so that it doesn’t lead to compromising who you are. I think this can be challenging because submissives generally want to be able to please their Dominant and feeling like they are disappointing their Dominant can be every bit as ***ful as any physical punishment. When an instance comes up where a Dominant might be interested in something the submissive has a boundary or limit on (one that the submissive doesn’t want to push or expand into), being able to say no and being able to weather any disappointment this might cause. 
 

Thank you for sharing this Leisa! Very well written. 

[Ta****]

I think it is perfectly fine if some submissives want to serve in a sort of 'doormat' capacity, as long as that is what both parties want.  It's all about choice and consent.  As long as both parties are happy with that arrangement, I see no problem at all.

Edited June 30, 2020 by TammyNatalia
To improve the meaning of the message

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, TammyNatalia said:

I think it is perfectly fine if some submissives want to serve in a sort of 'doormat' capacity, as long as that is what both parties want.  It's all about choice and consent.  As long as both parties are happy with that arrangement, I see no problem at all.

Totally agree as long as both parties are fully informed, aware of all options. Not duped into believing there is only one path.

[Bo****]

Nicely put,Leisa.......yet sometimes the dynamic needs to be free of label,boxes or just plain definitions......or have i been outta touch with humans for too long? Lol!.......Thank you for all you do to stimulate such thinking and perceptive insights..... Part of what makes this kink positive space so positive.... Respect,innit gurrl,as we'd say in south london!

[Th****]

Great piece Tink.

I know everyone has a slightly different take on this but I believe it is important to try to empower new submissives so they know that there is "No True Way,"

You highlighted the difference between passive and submissive well.

I believe that to often early in peoples lifestyle it is easy to confuse passivity for submission. When most dominants need an active flow of communication between them and their subs and fully informed ongoing consent. Which requires activity not passivity.

3 hours ago, TammyNatalia said:

I think it is perfectly fine if some submissives want to serve in a sort of 'doormat' capacity, as long as that is what both parties want.

Having said all that I do totally agree with you Tammy, and if that is what both parties seek then I of course fully support their choice.

[Leisa]

6 hours ago, Baldbold said:

Nicely put,Leisa.......yet sometimes the dynamic needs to be free of label,boxes or just plain definitions......or have i been outta touch with humans for too long? Lol!.......Thank you for all you do to stimulate such thinking and perceptive insights..... Part of what makes this kink positive space so positive.... Respect,innit gurrl,as we'd say in south london!

You’re right labels can be harmful in certain circumstances. This is geared more towards those just coming into the lifestyle or those who have been in it and wondering why they may or may not be getting treated like the strong individual they are. Thank you for the kind words

[Jinxy-5083]

5 hours ago, Thebian said:

I believe that to often early in peoples lifestyle it is easy to confuse passivity for submission. When most dominants need an active flow of communication between them and their subs and fully informed ongoing consent. Which requires activity not passivity.

This, exactly. I wish I could "like" this a million times haha. 

[Wi****]

As I have a sub,on line, I think he likes to be the "doormat", and as I read some of these posts I'm thinking it's about pushing boundaries, and then having a safe word, so a strong sub might let their boundaries be stretched but not be afraid to use their safe word. Communication and trust being the key.

[Ta****]

1 hour ago, wilkie said:

As I have a sub,on line, I think he likes to be the "doormat", and as I read some of these posts I'm thinking it's about pushing boundaries, and then having a safe word, so a strong sub might let their boundaries be stretched but not be afraid to use their safe word. Communication and trust being the key.

That is such a good answer Wilkie.  Of course, it's about pushing the limits.  Lol

[Leisa]

6 hours ago, wilkie said:

As I have a sub,on line, I think he likes to be the "doormat", and as I read some of these posts I'm thinking it's about pushing boundaries, and then having a safe word, so a strong sub might let their boundaries be stretched but not be afraid to use their safe word. Communication and trust being the key.

I can agree with most of what you say. Him being a male sub alone makes him a stronger sub and being a more passive sub is great as long as both parties agree that passivity is what both parties want and agree to such style of D/s dynamic. What you don’t clarify is what limits and boundaries you’re pushing. Are they soft or hard limits? If they’re hard limits you’re pushing against than that’s a different story all together as hard limits are just that and pushing a hard limit than where is respect for limits that were put into place before the D/s relationship began? Pushing against those would bring into question the Dominate and whether or not a Dominate may or may not respond to the safe word put into place or is that also a limit to be pushed? I will allow the other Dominates respond to that portion depending upon your response because I know what most subs would say. The basis of this articles as noted below were not just my list of qualities which make a strong sub but that of almost every submissive asked both those new and experienced to this lifestyle, both male and female, as well as Dom(mes) present. That’s why RACK and PRICK are in place.

[Leisa]

4 hours ago, TammyNatalia said:

That is such a good answer Wilkie.  Of course, it's about pushing the limits.  Lol

I fully agreed with your first post but need some clarification on your second response please. What limits do you want pushed? Your soft limits that should absolutely be pushed with full, knowing, ongoing consent or your hard limits which should never be considered as those are to be set before any play begins. If you’re allowing hard limits to be pushed against where is your assurance that your safe word is also going to be respected and not “pushed”?

[Deleted Member]

Great topic Leisa, Thank you. 

i think it is important to remember thought that every single person in BDSM is different, no two submissives are the same and there is such beauty in those differences, the expression of submission can be received in many different ways also. just as no two Dominants are the same and each has expectations on what kind of sub they want and are attracted to. 

i do wonder though for those that see submission as a role, something to be switched on during play only. do you think the same qualities should apply or perhaps the very transient nature of this kind of submission should have its own set of guidelines.

Thanks again x

[Leisa]

8 hours ago, little_red_92 said:

Great topic Leisa, Thank you. 

i think it is important to remember thought that every single person in BDSM is different, no two submissives are the same and there is such beauty in those differences, the expression of submission can be received in many different ways also. just as no two Dominants are the same and each has expectations on what kind of sub they want and are attracted to. 

i do wonder though for those that see submission as a role, something to be switched on during play only. do you think the same qualities should apply or perhaps the very transient nature of this kind of submission should have its own set of guidelines.

Thanks again x

Everyone’s submission is different and that’s the beauty of our community. I can only observe another’s submission by what they think their submission is. For those that are only submissive during play I would think that they are empowered outside of submission. I think the same rules should apply to all who say they’re a submissive. I realize that not every submissive is a submissive 24/7 and that would be between themselves and their dominant. The less time someone spends outside of submission the closer they are to living their own lives whereas the 24/7 submissive stays submissive all the tome to their dominant at all times. Personally I could not imagine being only a part-time submissive who’s only a submissive in bed.

[ol****]

On 6/30/2020 at 3:58 PM, TammyNatalia said:

I think it is perfectly fine if some submissives want to serve in a sort of 'doormat' capacity, as long as that is what both parties want.  It's all about choice and consent.  As long as both parties are happy with that arrangement, I see no problem at all.

Yes but it has to be by mutual consent. Does not even have to be a "full time doormat". 

I know some subs love nothing more than to be on the bottom all the time.

It's the mutual consent bit that is the key?

[Ta****]

As I am actually somewhat of a rebel by nature, and I think some Doms would find  me a bit of a problem, unless they are well used to dealing with Brats..  Yes, I know I am Submissive, but I like to break or bend...the rules sometimes, as well as take on the Dom.  That doesn't translate into lack of respect for my Dom, but I am simply expressing who I am .  I doubt I could be a Sub 24/7, unless I found someone I was so fond of and so emotionally involved with that I would be willing to go the whole way with that person.  Other than that, I am probably the kind of person who could only be Submissive within a specific scene, or scenario.  There are many life reasons for this which I cannot go into here.