Life Changing Kink

[Ra****]

This is specific. Those that learned they could not be with there partner/significant other because they weren't the kinky person you didn't know you wanted until late in life, how is life now?

When you find out that's what you want out of a partner, does life fit into place? Or is it harder to find someone who isn't a vanilla normy?

Your options narrow down to people that connect on your kink level, then connect on a pillow talk level when not in the mood.

Share your stories...

[Deleted Member]

Well, this is actually what caused us to fail.. he tried to be what I wanted and didn't speak up. We ended up ending our engagement a month prior to getting married because he chose to cheat. Now, for me, having a partner who is into kink is non-negotiable

[Deleted Member]

I am going through this exact thing right now.
I’m in my mid 30’s and discovered the shameless sex podcast which led me to Orpheus Black and I’ll soon be starting my journey of kink discovery.

I really tried to save this marriage but my wife had zero interest in doing anything outside the norm and I just couldn’t live the rest of my life with this person. She said I only feel this way because of a life long addiction to porn, and I don’t think that’s true, but does it matter if it is? I finally was able to quit porn earlier this year and I’m now in a place where I might use it once or twice a month, but only for recreational purposes and never as a coping mechanism for whatever *** or sadness I’m feeling.

I’m so eager to get out there and find someone I don’t feel like I have to hide anything from. I already feel so much better about myself and who I am, not just because I’m out of that religious-based, shame-inducing marriage, but because I am free to pursue the real me.

[Iwantcreampie]

Im in a situation that is similar to what you mention but for me im in the beginning stage of the realization that she isn’t the kinky person I didn’t know I wanted. I’m at that point.

[Ki****]

I've found that many of my recent playmates are married to very vanilla men and want to explore the BDSM lifestyle. They enjoy it greatly but would never leave after many years of marriage.

[Deleted Member]

The dating pool becomes a puddle! 😅 not only do they have to be attracted to me but I have to be attracted to them and we have to yum the same stuff 😅 it's brutal!

[Do****]

I don’t know the outcome of this…. Am a single pringle playing. But I hear of a lot of men married to someone who won’t consider kink and they thought they would be able to have a relationship without it, or they have kink but they want more and their partner doesn’t. It’s not uncommon.

[le****]

Or find more partners to explore with together my vanilla normy is learning fast

[Pl****]

My last partner we were 24/7 living the lifestyle. I was her submissive. I was accustomed to being dominant before her, but she helped me explore a part of myself that I had never even known was there. Now, it's hard for me to find a relationship because finding a woman who can satisfy my need for submission has proven difficult.

[Ba****]

I realized I couldn’t indulge in Kink with my wife after we were married. Luckily we were already poly (dating a third together) at the time. Now we just date separately which was initially a taboo for us. For those of you who aren’t poly, yes we still feel jealousy but like any other emotion we don’t let it fuck with our happiness. She is my forever girl and I’m her forever guy and having additional partners will never change that!

[Ir****]

It is impossible. 9 years married to someone who got it. Now I cant find anyone. Difficult.

[Te****]

Very relatable post. Was a Domino effect of getting married after 10 years together on the basis that you just assume over time things will get better and because nobody’s perfect and you have to work on a relationship… only to have a child and everything change. I found parenting harder than most and because I now know I’m neurospicy so it was a sensory overloaded nightmare from day one. The resentment of parenting not being 50/50 caused our already very vanilla sex life to disappear completely and then in typical fashion I succumbed to the attention of a younger woman at a time I was feeling very dismissed and invalidated, who was more open minded. I never crossed that physical threshold with her but it opened my mind and sent me on a path of exploring kink… and that opened a door I couldn’t close that my Wife would never have entertained and so that was the end of that.

[Ma****]

Dialing it back, with vanilla dates, is always challenging. Trying to remember what is considered “normal”, after years of kink, is surprisingly complicated.

[DarkArts1066]

If kink is a part of your persona, then it is incredibly hard to just that part of you away and ignore it.

I have been married twice, divorced twice.
Whilst kink (or a lack of it) wasn’t the sole reason for us going our separate ways (my working abroad for long periods had a large part to play….) I realised that I didn’t WANT to have to ignore that part of me… and so I found myself single - twice.
Initially, I had thought my wives both had an interest. They certainly both talked the talk.

As a single person now for several years, I find I am no longer accountable to one person in that way, and that allows me to be more open and honest with my acquaintances.

I should add - I have never lied about my interests to any of my partners…. I just didn’t have anyone to indulge them with for long periods.
Nowadays, there is total honesty and transparency - both ways.

[Ro****]

Indeed , I tried to put it aside because sacrifice for the greater good and all. Until I realized I was miserable, and he cheated on me anyway. So I started over, now happy with where I'm at.

[di****]

9 hours ago, Poppea said:

The dating pool becomes a puddle! 😅 not only do they have to be attracted to me but I have to be attracted to them and we have to yum the same stuff 😅 it's brutal!

This is exactly it. Finding someone you are attracted to with the same flavors has been a huge challenge. I was married for 18 years and while he said he had a spicy side, it was really just a mean streak. The lifestyle isn't what ended our relationship, but I am so very happy to be able to look for someone compatible.

[Tr****]

What happens when the reverse is true? My former partner was very kink, while I'm on the vanilla side - but I was willing and open to learn, and still get left? Is kink so hard to learn?

[Ro****]

7 hours ago, TrevorSlayn said:

What happens when the reverse is true? My former partner was very kink, while I'm on the vanilla side - but I was willing and open to learn, and still get left? Is kink so hard to learn?

When you are not inclined on your own but willing to learn for a partner. It may be an issue as they may not be sure how to teach you what it is they want, if they have not yet had the experience that they are seeking. It is much harder on a submissive to teach someone that may not have it in their nature already. However, it can be learned. You just need the right willing partner. If you are still interested, seek that knowledge on your own. Best way to learn properly is to find classes. They are out there just need to figure out where it may be for your area. There's even you tube videos. Feel free to reach out if you are trying to find such resources. Who knows, you may even find a new hobby to practice for the next possibility.

[Deleted Member]

My wife and I met 14.5 years ago because she was looking for an extremely specific kind of guy. She listed what she wanted and well, I met 98% of it. Thru the years id ask if she'd want to explore more of her list and it caused a fight. Longer story short it turned out what she wanted was fantasy.

I don't know what to do, time is not slowing down and I'm honestly crushed by her deceitful lies.

[Deleted Member]

Yeah that actually a relatively accurate picture of my previous 4 relationships and nasty medical events.

Not putting names or locations but without making it to long I wanted to explore sexuality and experiment with them not others following multiple brushes with death and mortality.

They didn’t like that and also were against me finding a person to help me explore and experiment how I needed too.

Its why I’m on FetLife trying to find it.