Submissives and history?

[Dexception32]

I keep running into similar themes with submissive partners. There is always a troublesome issue with having a past. It does not matter if the partner wants monogamy or is okay with playing right in front of her. History always seems to make her see red. Is this a common issue? Should we as Doms make the removal of such from the exchange a priority? Are there any that do so as a limit on here? Interested in any and all responses. 

[ey****]

what do you mean by "history" or "a past"

are you saying current subs have a problem that you have had subs in the past?  or?

[Dexception32]

Yes, or just relationships in general. I find they do fine with all present stuff but struggle with anything historical. 

[ey****]

I think - do you need to talk about past relationships? Is that the problem?  Do they feel they're being compared to past submissives?

[Dexception32]

I thought that was case, but it seems to get worse the more I delve into such. I don’t think she’s has doubts of her place, because I assume that would affect the present. It’s more like just knowing I have people in my past temporarily messes things up for her in her head. Plus she gets on that tell me about this one track in detail. And it’s the one area of our relationship that feels very unhealthy. And which makes me question whether it should be made off limits because the more it occurs the less I want to be honest about past stuff, it’s like I’ve identified an irrational weakness and now I’m just leading her into it over and over in the name of transparency.  I’d rather focus on the present and kind of *** this off. 

[ey****]

Yes - so - of course.

I think there's a level between being honest (I've had subs in the past) and feeling like someone has to do something or be something or live up to something

I guess if the boot was the other way round if you had a sub who'd often talk up how great a past Dominant was whether you'd feel like this was a challenge or if you had to live up to it.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with eyemblacksheep. There’s a need for a level of honesty. We’re all adults and therefore most of us will have had some form of relationships in the past.
The level of openness re past experiences, in my view, depends on the present partner and how much s/he is able to ‘take’ as well as the purpose it has such as: learning, sharing and developing new ideas..., building trust, satisfying curiosity and getting to know the current partner... However there’s a fine line of sharing and using it as a basis to build something new together and (unintentionally) triggering feelings of insecurity or anxiety that someone can’t live up to (perceived) expectations. So what’s important when sharing is that there is a common basis of trust, willingness and understanding that you’re individuals and that at present all you want is to explore in the present and that regardless of the level it is something unique and enjoyable you wouldn’t want to swap anything else for.

[Carnelian2]

I agree with much of what has been stated. Quite frankly, at my age, I would be really concerned if I met someone who had not had meaningful relationships (vanilla) with someone else, as that would make me question if she were aware of the inevitable compromises we all make in order to make the relationship work. Could be simple things such as she likes Vanilla ice-cream, I prefer Nougat but accept that this is what we choose to share, as it makes her happy

The problem is when it is felt that someone is trying to replicate a past relationship, as that then indicates that there has not been sufficient closure from the previous relationship and the person is not ready to focus on this, present, relationship.

[he****]

I'm new to all this (sub) but I already know that certain words or acts would trigger a negative response to a previous relationship. As I don't want this to happen (it would cause me to feel unsafe) these triggers would be discussed and explained. I would then expect that my Dom cares & respects me enough not to use them, as it would potentially damage the dynamic between us. My previous relationship was one in which he *took* my control away. As a sub, I will *give* away my control willingly. There's a huge difference between those 2 things.

[Dexception32]

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. Any suggestions on how to move away from that a bit? I would like to make who we are to each other in the day to day be the primary thing that matters. Should I take more of a hard line on any of this past stuff now that I see it doesn’t seem to be serving our dynamic? How do I do that without compromising that idea of transparency vital to so many of our exchanges? 

[De****]

If I read your post correctly, are you saying that this is an issue with all submissive partners that you have had? If so, could it be that unintentionally you could be causing the insecurity, maybe by your approach? Sometimes it doesn’t take much for the doubt to set in, maybe just making what you may perceive to be a throwaway comment can then become a bigger issue and take hold, and once it does then insecurity spirals out of control. That would also explain the obsession with asking you to continually give more information about an ex partner. I’ve heard Doms make seemingly innocuous statements without realising the enormity of what they are actually saying

[he****]

Have you asked why they need to know? What their worries or concerns are? If you can understand their reasons for this behaviour, then you may be able to reassure them and move beyond it. It may also make you both aware of how this affects you and what potential triggers to avoid, or attempt to work through.
Personally, if I had insecurities or concerns, and someone took a hard line with me, it would make me feel worse. I might change my behaviour but, mentally & emotionally, that could do more damage.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Dexception32 said:

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. Any suggestions on how to move away from that a bit? I would like to make who we are to each other in the day to day be the primary thing that matters. Should I take more of a hard line on any of this past stuff now that I see it doesn’t seem to be serving our dynamic? How do I do that without compromising that idea of transparency vital to so many of our exchanges? 

A hard line? I’d recommend open communication and lots of attention to the positive day to day stuff which will assist a relationship to evolve