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Red Flags

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Just a question for people, and a reference for others. What do you consider to be a 'red flag' when you talk to potential play partners? This could be online or in person. What makes you cautious, suspicious, and finally decide they aren't safe?


Self centredness, not being considerate even in conversation....


Unfortunately, there are people who are not serious about the lifestyle. They might be here for a bit of fun, they might have a completely unrealistic expectation about what D/s is all about or they are here to eventually trick people.

In this respect, my red flags are:

- Are messages and stories consistent? .. If people are making up a persona, sooner or later, there will be small cracks in the way the story hangs together
- Is it going too fast? .. someone offering to move in as a 24/7 slave after 2 days of messaging is probably too good to be true
- Do pictures and background stories correspond to that in the profile? ... if not, then they are probably fake

In terms of the kink:
- Certain things and ideas are hard limits. If someone keeps pushing them, then walk away, as they will probably not engage in a consensual relationship
- Do they actually listen to, read, and understand what you are telling them? If not, then that is a cause for concern. Ok, so they may just be so self-absorbed that there no room for anyone else
- Related to the above - are they concerned about your welfare?


I am sure others can add far more eloquent points than me, but those were the main ones, I could think of.

In any case, I hope it helps

Trust - ive had right your mine now send me your phone number, send me pics, give me your email address Telling me what they are going to do to me without talking to me first or telling me i can do anything i want to them dont even have to ask. Scary

well,  I wrote an article which gives an indication for potential finance scams, but, of course actual safety is far more important.  Some of the information is transferable.

one thing I'd say to be always wary on is anyone whom is already trying to push your limits or not take a no.  So, constant renegotation of what has been discussed. Wanting to play without a safeword.  Unwillingness to meet in public.  Stories that just add up.  Timelines that don't add up. 


Submissive Guide has some good descriptions of Red flags...for helping sub(s) and these can be inverted easily to help Dom(s)...the main flags for me are when somebody says "I have no limits" or "I know every thing", coupled with a lack of communication or respect for others.

Best test is discuss mistakes...can they discuss screw ups openly and fairly...can they show that they have the confidence to learn from their mistakes. Both Dom(s) and sub(s) make mistakes, can they show that they can put the ego aside and skip the blame game, focus on why mistake happened and what can be done to avoid or manage re-occurrences.

Can they admit that they don't know something or have no experience in some areas, nobody knows everything.

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