Teach me more about trauma and consent

[sw****]

I have a friend and we are getting romantic. She has some past sexual trauma that she does not talk much about. It is important for me to understand the nuances of consent even though we have been been sexual in the past. Any advice, thoughts, warnings? Should I encourage here to tell me about the trauma or assume she will share when ready? Any perspectives from past experiences. FYI we have had sex a couple times though not often. so my motivation is not to get laid but to really help somebody I am falling for.

[Br****]

Let her talk to you about it when she’s ready. Believe it or not, trying to push her to talk about the traumatic experience can be traumatic itself. When she wants to talk, she will talk, and when she doesn’t, don’t make her.

[Deleted Member]

Okay the obvious is sexual trauma is common and has to be worked through and with the proper guidance the lifestyle and a dynamic is a good way to work through some of that. However unless you are the***utically trained I do not recommend any sort of attempt at it without professional guidance. I do recommend that you be supportive and you encourage openness without judgment, but also remember that you are not a therapist and you are not a trained sexual healer ( I am assuming ) So you should be very careful with your partner and do not get upset if they become triggered during any sort of interaction. Now having said all of that consent is mandatory in all things and with someone with any sort of trauma you should be checking in before during and after any interaction because they may not be aware of what they are consenting to at the beginning and they may be harmed during because they think that they have already said yes so they cannot say no it is your job to maintain that there is consent at all times.

[ro****]

Give her space to approach you sexually, and do everything you can to hold back. Your sexual desire. Desire in and of itself can be traumatizing or re-traumatizing to someone who has severe PTSD. Your job is to be safe and stoic, and let her come to you

[wi****]

Don’t bring it up. Let her do that

[Pa****]

You need to go gradual. As time and trust develops I am sure she will share. There is a huge protective wall up right now but it will be lowered. The fact you are asking the questions shows she has just the right person to help her lower those defences

[Da****]

Be sure to give her plenty of reassurance!!

[Deleted Member]

Say that you are open to listening, whenever and if she ever feels like sharing, that you will be there for her. Ask also if there’s something that you could change or adapt, if something ever made her uncomfortable, if she has certain triggers (things she prefers to avoid cause it reminds her of the trauma).

It’s very personal, but I would say something like this: “About what you mentioned to me the other day, don’t ever think you could say something that I wouldn’t like to know. I want to know all of you, whatever you want to share, and if you ever do or don’t, I’ll be there to support you. I’m not going anywhere.”

[Be****]

Sorry but there are no nuances to consent, it's an audible yes, anything else is a no.

[Deleted Member]

57 minutes ago, rocker_guy said:

Give her space to approach you sexually, and do everything you can to hold back. Your sexual desire. Desire in and of itself can be traumatizing or re-traumatizing to someone who has severe PTSD. Your job is to be safe and stoic, and let her come to you

Honestly, that would make me think he’s not interested, if he just backed off like that. If there’s a conversation like “I am glad to let you initiate sex until you tell me you feel safe with me initiating….” then it makes sense. But him just slamming on the breaks and not approaching would be a huge problem for me.

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, BerryBrighton said:

Sorry but there are no nuances to consent, it's an audible yes, anything else is a no.

An audible yes isn’t full consent either. So…. There are nuances 🤷‍♀️

[ka****]

Your post is what you should ask her. Consent is always a yes. That’s my advice.

[Leleluu]

As someone who as experienced sexual trauma themselves, I totally agree with the other posts. I especially want to hightlight that you should ask if she has any specific triggers (which might trigger a flashback or feeling of unsafety), but of course tell her there is no pressure to answer and you were just asking to avoid triggering her. Again, check very regularily if shes still okay and give her time to actually feel and think for a second, before answering. A lot of people whose boundaries have been ignored multiple times(dont know if this is the case with your partner) may not even notice triggers and brush feelings off, only realising later that it was too much. So especially pay attention to her body language, the body often notices the feeling of uncomfortableness and unsafety before the mind does.

[Xo****]

Just be honest with her, that you don’t wanna push her into telling you her trauma if she isn’t ready too, but to understand that you are there and willing to listen. That you don’t wanna push the bar too far and trigger any emotions related to that trauma. And that she is in a safe place to let you know what is okay and what isn’t okay or what she’s willing to do or try and what the limits are. Always discuss what consent looks like for both of you, that what someone does for you and how you respond that gives them consent to keep going and how that person might respond to give you consent to keep going. It’s okay to feel a little frustrated when you’re still figuring each other out, but it’s how you communicate it is usually the problem. Don’t be defensive or point fingers. Just be open and honest with them. Be gentle in your approach.

[Yi****]

Im a bit confused did you have "sex a couple times" recently and had sex in the past? It's possible they aren't interested. This could be a way to keep you at arms length. Your best bet is to not be pushy. Not to eager. Maybe you can tease them and get them so horney its out of your hands. and if they don't answer a text, leave it. you don't ask why unless you are late for the movies or other appt.

[re****]

Sexuality beyond consent from avgi saketopoulou.. risk, race, traumataohilia is your book.. maybe

[Rh****]

First, when she is ready to share she will. You should not try to pry it out of her. From personal experience ( dealing with my own trauma ) triggers can come out of nowhere without warning or making sense. Also, being a guy, we like to fix things when all that is needed is to be present and listen.

Secondly. Consent is FRIES

F - Freely given 
I - Informed
E - Enthusiastic
S - Specific 

Consenting is a choice someone makes without pressure, manipulation or under the influence of *** or alcohol. 

Consent is also reversible at ANY time.
 

[Ci****]

You should wait for her to disclose what she wants to you. Not everyone a person sleeps with gets to know everything about them. And I hate to sound harsh but she does not owe you her story just because you want to know more. It sounds like you’re coming from a good place of wanting to protect her but it’s her decision how much, when and what to disclose. And in some ways, you might be inadvertently communicating to her that she will never be more than a victim or survivor of what happened to her. You’re taking a traumatic event for her and deciding it defines her in some way

[sw****]

Thanks all very helpful.

[sw****]

4 hours ago, Leleluu said:

As someone who as experienced sexual trauma themselves, I totally agree with the other posts. I especially want to hightlight that you should ask if she has any specific triggers (which might trigger a flashback or feeling of unsafety), but of course tell her there is no pressure to answer and you were just asking to avoid triggering her. Again, check very regularily if shes still okay and give her time to actually feel and think for a second, before answering. A lot of people whose boundaries have been ignored multiple times(dont know if this is the case with your partner) may not even notice triggers and brush feelings off, only realising later that it was too much. So especially pay attention to her body language, the body often notices the feeling of uncomfortableness and unsafety before the mind does.

Checking regularly is great advice. And frankly would be reinforcing for me too. Thanks

[sw****]

45 minutes ago, CityBrat633 said:

You should wait for her to disclose what she wants to you. Not everyone a person sleeps with gets to know everything about them. And I hate to sound harsh but she does not owe you her story just because you want to know more. It sounds like you’re coming from a good place of wanting to protect her but it’s her decision how much, when and what to disclose. And in some ways, you might be inadvertently communicating to her that she will never be more than a victim or survivor of what happened to her. You’re taking a traumatic event for her and deciding it defines her in some way

Certainly did not intend to convey that I think she “owes” or just cause I want to know more. It comes from a place of understanding and care considering a long view.

[sw****]

3 hours ago, YinKissesYang said:

Im a bit confused did you have "sex a couple times" recently and had sex in the past? It's possible they aren't interested. This could be a way to keep you at arms length. Your best bet is to not be pushy. Not to eager. Maybe you can tease them and get them so horney its out of your hands. and if they don't answer a text, leave it. you don't ask why unless you are late for the movies or other appt.

Wow - I will not be taking this advice. But thanks for participating.

[sw****]

5 hours ago, rocker_guy said:

Give her space to approach you sexually, and do everything you can to hold back. Your sexual desire. Desire in and of itself can be traumatizing or re-traumatizing to someone who has severe PTSD. Your job is to be safe and stoic, and let her come to you

“Desire in itself can be traumatizing” really great point and also right at the crux of the problem. That is the right question. How to ensure my desire is not traumatizing. What about a view that just as it is always ok to say no lovingly it is always ok to ask lovingly? I have found I have needed to exercise my rejection muscles and that has been good in many regards too.

[sw****]

5 hours ago, BerryBrighton said:

Sorry but there are no nuances to consent, it's an audible yes, anything else is a no.

Of course. I meant more layers and nuance helping a victim of trauma and bolstering a safe environment.

[ph****]

Be careful