Teach me more about trauma and consent

[Lo****]

Run. Sorry to say it. But run away.

[Cass]

Erm.   Its non of your business 

 

No matter how much you think you care, the fact that you are on here discussing a private matter

 

PROVES YOU DONT,   

 

Move on, stop trying to be a hero

[po****]

Don't encourage her just let her know you're there for her if she ever wants to talk. Make sure to check in with her frequently during intimacy

[sl****]

Sit down and talk. Tell her how you feel about her and that your falling in love and that you want to try to be the best man she could ever ask for. Then wait and let her come to you when she's ready. Also take mental notes of stuff she don't like and avoid those things. This will take a lot of time for trauma and she might never want to tell you about it. It's all up to her. I dated a girl that had trumam and she told me everything so I could avoid it from happening again.

Communication is key. And when she does tell you, then you need to keep it to your self and don't tell other people about it. That's just being respectful of what happen to them.

I hope this helps out in some way. I'm a Dom daddy but I'm also a caregiver.

[Ma****]

Aww lemme just begin by saying your attitude is very wholesome. I guess my first advice is to not let yourself carried away in such good intention of helping, as citybrat above said be wary of prying into this topic too hard. My best advice would be to feel when would be a good time, and talk about this. Not her trauma, this. That you wanna know if she would like to talk about it and if it would help her. And if she says no, then you should immediately and permanently move on from this topic. You ain't a hero, and you ain't here to save everyone. I have never been on this exact situation, but I know I myself on your place could end up becoming toxic trying to be a "good guy", so I do wanna warn you, don't be that way.

[Cr****]

Having dated a few women who had experienced sexual trauma, I have learned to ask a little bit (tactfully). Here’s why… I dated a woman who particularly liked anal sex. After we had been dating for a little while, she confided that she had been molested by her father. She was pretty upfront about it, but no details. I didn’t pry, just tried to be supportive. A few months later after having anal sex, she turned to me and told me that it reminded her of being ***d by her father when I did that to her.

[Da****]

Key factor it is her story to tell. When and if she decides to share listen to her, just don't hear her. She has decided she trusts you enough to share this with you. Do not offer to fix it don't offer your opinion don't take it lightly. Maintain eye contact with her. She has made the investment to share this with you. Don't *** her to tell you. When she does tell you be ready for whatever it is. Also a couple of other things. 1. Don't apologize. This does not involve you. Don't say sorry this happened to you. Instead say something like that is horrible. Validate her feelings. She doesn't want to hear sorry from you. You were not the perpetrator in this. 2) Do not attempt to be physical in any way with her. Right now is not the time for a hug. She just wants to share this with you without judgement. After you may ask her if she would like a hug but not until she is through the storm. 3. Be supportive. Have tissues water maybe a snack or something that you know will bring her comfort. Sex is off the table at least for a couple of days. Be respectful of that. She is going to be emotionally unavailable. 4. Give her space for at least a couple of days. Take time or yourself to process what she has told you. It is traumatic for you also. Don't act like it doesn't. 5 continue with aftercare. This is just as important of a time to give aftercare. It just isn't for after scenes. Aftercare should be given. 6. After you both have had time to process and think about this come together and talk. Be appreciative of what she has shared with you. Keep this between you and her. She wants to feel what she has told you is safe within the confines of your mind and soul. Lock it away and forget about it.

[ge****]

Let the relationship develop naturally… do not mention the event, do not bring it up. Are you familiar with veterans and war trauma… it’s locked away… she made you aware of it, I interpret that as she trusts you… I assume you are not a counselor… EVERY TIME IT’S MENTIONED SHE RELIVES THE EVENT!

[cl****]

So very thoughtful to consider your actions before yall get together!! BRAVO!! I think a simple “is it ok of if I kiss you?” I admire you for consciously beginning w open communication & voiced mutual respect/consent. If she hasn’t disclosed all she’s gone thru (that’s where the communication & support comes in) she needs to be heard/respected & feel secure in the belief that she CAN share life experiences & they’re SAFE w you. . She’ll be able to share herself if you show you’re dependable, supportive & RESPECTFUL:)

[Deleted Member]

Read earlier wrote comment deleted so I’m not reading other comments just so you get imo - as a victim of SAs - sexual ***s and - for me ***. Nothing anyone can do can prevent this bring as least somewhat a head fuck. Esp when victims thinking so I want to be submissive does that mean I want to be ***d?? Or saed ? Did I ask for it when it happened etc etc. put yourself in a victims shoes who then also wants to enjoy a kink that may be linked to that head fuck or not even. Anything can be a trigger. So we come back to consent and limits. Awesome. Perhaps convos bout what role plays not ok but what is! May not like hand cuffs so other needs to learn roping - 90% of ***s are over in moments rest are horrific. They are ok offs that through open and honest communication with a potential partner kink or otherwise. If the partner won’t respect your limits get the fuck out! Not ok!

We are all humans. If we can’t all accept as consenting adults that others deserve respect in every possible way - even when I’m enjoying getting my body ‘spanked used and ***d’ others read SA lol I’m no if consensual mutually anything goes.

That’s the key. You can’t fix her and she don’t need fixing she needs a man a real man who knows when to not and when to initiate kinks and know just cos not k right now doesn’t mean it’s off cards etc just means communicate your at diff places.

Victims of SA don’t want that label. Just treat us ‘normal’ and things will take their course!

No diff between all humans positive or not etc. down deep all we wants a reliable honest person who can 🤞🏼 cut it bed. - that’s fixable - sometimes lol

Just chillax. No pressure. Respect boundaries that may be unspoken etc. no one knows what she’s been through she’s put some trust in you and you jumped on sm lol but fur right reasons.

Follow your gut no circumstances are same! ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️🩷🩷🩷

[la****]

The consent part isn't tricky. Yes is yes and no is no. And the yes should be enthusiastic, a half hearted yes is not a yes to me - it's a yes to please you not her. You didn't mention if this was a D/s relationship, just that the two of you engaged in sex. If it's vanilla, you already have great advice. If it's D/s, that can get a bit tricky.

When I first engaged with BDSM, it was to process my trauma. I didn't know that then of course. And some of what I did triggered me, and that's why I love ethical BDSM. Everything stopped. My Domme asked me what I needed and I had no clue because the trauma I experienced never provided any measure of autonomy. So together we found that for me, being held, allowed to cry and validated for my emotional response was what I needed and we'd talk about it another day, when I wasn't so emotional. For me BDSM was very healing. Someone earlier mentioned being with someone who enjoyed anal only to find out that is how she was molested. Some people relive the *** because they don't know anything else and that needs to be addressed in therapy, not a D/s relationship. But some of us relive it to regain control. I could be a Domme if I wanted to be...but I love being submissive because I feel in control. We may engage in something that has initially been experienced as trauma, but she's not my ***r. If it becomes triggering, I safeword, she stops. I never had that control to make it stop as a child. That's f-ing empowering! And yes, there are things I enjoy that originally came from trauma, but some trauma is all encompassing and you wouldn't be able to enjoy things if you took off the table things that happened.

However, therapy still needs to be part of the equation too. Dominants are not meant to be therapists. But that doesn't mean a Dominant can't be part of the healing in an ethical relationship.

I've done the work and have healed my trauma. Recently, I decided to start dating again and had to ask myself if BDSM was still ok for me. Like if I'm engaging in BDSM, have I really healed, since I now recognize I got involved for the reasons I did without knowing why at the time. I decided that while it may have started as a desire born from trauma, it has been healing and empowering and I enjoy BDSM but now I get to enjoy it without having to work through trauma.

But that's my story. I'm sure others relate. But as I said, there are those too who are looking to continue the *** because they don't know any different or feel it's what they deserve. Anyone who has experienced trauma needs therapy. Period. I've told all my therapists about my enjoyment of BDSM. They all asked me why. None of them judged it and a few knowledgeable ones even understood the dynamics at play. All of them felt it was healthy for me for the reasons I said earlier. Ethical BDSM is all about talking, consent, boundaries, what limits can be pushed, safewords which creates a safe space and can be incredibly empowering

[AF****]

I agree with Slick! Tell her how you are feeling towards your relationship, tell her you are open to her talking about it or sharing any of it if she wants to. Tell her your concerns! Are you worried you will do something that triggers her, or a no touch zone, etc. revisit hard and soft limits. And remind her the conversation is so that you can love her the way she needs you to.

[Mr****]

Something that does not happen often enough is the encouragement of good behavior; so let me start with that. Good on you for having the willingness to ask, as well as to inquire about perspectives beyond your own to cover those blind spots. With that said, the most effective advice to receive is also among the hardest to genuinely implement. Be patient, be understanding, be actively listening and attentive without allowing yourself to become overbearing. Essentially, recognize that there will be points where she will pull away from you for the very simple and very crucial reason that you are entering territory by which she has only known suffering and Trauma. In this, it is not your role to fix her or her issue, but to serve as the instantiation of her own self healing.

[sw****]

Wednesday at 05:15 PM, Sunshine55433 said:

Read earlier wrote comment deleted so I’m not reading other comments just so you get imo - as a victim of SAs - sexual ***s and - for me ***. Nothing anyone can do can prevent this bring as least somewhat a head fuck. Esp when victims thinking so I want to be submissive does that mean I want to be ***d?? Or saed ? Did I ask for it when it happened etc etc. put yourself in a victims shoes who then also wants to enjoy a kink that may be linked to that head fuck or not even. Anything can be a trigger. So we come back to consent and limits. Awesome. Perhaps convos bout what role plays not ok but what is! May not like hand cuffs so other needs to learn roping - 90% of ***s are over in moments rest are horrific. They are ok offs that through open and honest communication with a potential partner kink or otherwise. If the partner won’t respect your limits get the fuck out! Not ok!

We are all humans. If we can’t all accept as consenting adults that others deserve respect in every possible way - even when I’m enjoying getting my body ‘spanked used and ***d’ others read SA lol I’m no if consensual mutually anything goes.

That’s the key. You can’t fix her and she don’t need fixing she needs a man a real man who knows when to not and when to initiate kinks and know just cos not k right now doesn’t mean it’s off cards etc just means communicate your at diff places.

Victims of SA don’t want that label. Just treat us ‘normal’ and things will take their course!

No diff between all humans positive or not etc. down deep all we wants a reliable honest person who can 🤞🏼 cut it bed. - that’s fixable - sometimes lol

Just chillax. No pressure. Respect boundaries that may be unspoken etc. no one knows what she’s been through she’s put some trust in you and you jumped on sm lol but fur right reasons.

Follow your gut no circumstances are same! ✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️🩷🩷🩷

Very thoughtful and help full thanks.

[sw****]

8 hours ago, MrDDS said:

Something that does not happen often enough is the encouragement of good behavior; so let me start with that. Good on you for having the willingness to ask, as well as to inquire about perspectives beyond your own to cover those blind spots. With that said, the most effective advice to receive is also among the hardest to genuinely implement. Be patient, be understanding, be actively listening and attentive without allowing yourself to become overbearing. Essentially, recognize that there will be points where she will pull away from you for the very simple and very crucial reason that you are entering territory by which she has only known suffering and Trauma. In this, it is not your role to fix her or her issue, but to serve as the instantiation of her own self healing.

I appreciate that. Regardless of my intentions I do know that I want to be careful here. But this has been helpful (mostly). Thanks this was my first thread to the community and it is cool to see so many caring and committed people out there. I am new to this lifestyle and quickly seeing how cool it is. Cheers.

[po****]

If she isn't willing to talk about the experience itself, ask her if there's anything you should avoid doing as to not trigger those memories. Sometimes those memories come up no matter what during sexual acts. When they do, be supportive in whatever she needs even if that is not touching her for a while or just holding her while she is in her feelings. Remember it has nothing with you and she just needs support in that moment. Check-ins during any type of play time to make sure she is okay are very helpful too. Sometimes trauma survivors don't even know that they have certain triggers until they happen and if it does, just be willing to support her in any way she needs you to.

[sl****]

Be careful my friend she could have had a very unpleasant raising by a narcissist caregiver I'm going through a horrible trauma Bond that my friend that was the same sounding as yours be patient and look for red flags. Study all you can on narcissism

[Be****]

Consistency, safety and praise at every opportunity, the first three things needed to just reassure them that they are safe to venture into vulnerability. But be safe, if you cannot maintain those three effectively, you can do more harm to an already harmed individual. It's an investment, as well as a learning experience within yourself, to take on someone's trauma and navigate with them through it all. Be strong, yet soft, willing to listen more than speaking and train yourself to just be there for them. You can't fix it, you can only hold them through the tears. You can help to create new pathways that will eventually leave the trauma behind, research narcissistic rehabilitation and caretaking for narcissistic victims, you can't go into battle with an empty rifle. Best of luck and I hope they heal beautifully.