Shellshock Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 I know i am a sub but hate controlling narcissist behavior. The way some what to have more then one to contol and act like there not bothered about you are your feeling . For me this is a sigh that a dom/domme is not very good and its all this a egotistical boost with no substance. Or long-term benefits. Just a lonely loud gong.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 You shouldn’t settle for a Domme that doesn’t offer you personal growth. Yes they play a part in choosing you but you have the ultimate choice of offering them your servitude
MISSery Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 It is a real big problem in the community. As a past dominatrix myself, I was ridiculed by other dommes for respecting boundaries and other things set by my subs. The way that i see it is that if both people are respected in the scenario, everyone has more fun in a safe and satisfying way. People see kindness and compassion as weakness and no one wants to be weak in front of their sub.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 MiSSery I agree with you. I am a Dom and I must and have to respect boundaries with my Sub. We are there to teach, guide and nurture our Subs. Compassion and Kindness, is not a weakness at all. If your Sub knows the boundaries, they know there place, so know there Dom is not weak. They are taken care of in the presence of their Dom, but punished where necessary. This should be a careing relationship.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, MISSery said: It is a real big problem in the community. As a past dominatrix myself, I was ridiculed by other dommes for respecting boundaries and other things set by my subs. The way that i see it is that if both people are respected in the scenario, everyone has more fun in a safe and satisfying way. People see kindness and compassion as weakness and no one wants to be weak in front of their sub. I've known Dom's who like to hold up that image of an infallible figure, unwilling to show weakness or even humanity. But as the sub, it makes me feel trusted and connected when my Dom feels able to show and share with me that, at the end of the day, he's just a man too. It's never weakness to show these things. From either side of the slash. Edited September 21, 2020 by Deleted Member spelling >.<
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 Hi just to reiterate some of the previous comments and to add that a Dom and Sub within BDSM need to follow what is agreed and this should also include development, support and after care as it seems to be part of what you need. Please look at RACK and PRICK - if the Dom/Domme will not follow these then I would be very careful.
Shellshock Posted September 21, 2020 Author Posted September 21, 2020 4 hours ago, little_dark_princess said: You shouldn’t settle for a Domme that doesn’t offer you personal growth. Yes they play a part in choosing you but you have the ultimate choice of offering them your servitude Just made a massive mistake in judgment this year. But am wiser for it.
helenOfToy Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 9 hours ago, little_dark_princess said: You shouldn’t settle for a Domme that doesn’t offer you personal growth. Yes they play a part in choosing you but you have the ultimate choice of offering them your servitude In a perfect world that would happen, but the ratio of subs to Dommes is so huge that many will simply move on to the next one in line if you don't just put up with it. I have seen many times Dommes complaining about being thought of as kink dispensers, but that attitude shows that's how they think of subs. It's always going to be a bu'yers market, so those guilty of it don't see it as a problem, because to them, it isn't.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 25 minutes ago, Paul_aka_Helen said: In a perfect world that would happen, but the ratio of subs to Dommes is so huge that many will simply move on to the next one in line if you don't just put up with it. I have seen many times Dommes complaining about being thought of as kink dispensers, but that attitude shows that's how they think of subs. It's always going to be a ers market, so those guilty of it don't see it as a problem, because to them, it isn't. Then it’s on the sub to respect themselves more
Me**** Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 Agreed Rave. As I have said repeatedly... Start by loving your sub/dom.
Shellshock Posted September 21, 2020 Author Posted September 21, 2020 To be honest I thought I was going to upset a lot of pouple with my post
Wi**** Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 1 hour ago, little_dark_princess said: Then it’s on the sub to respect themselves more I agree totally, I personally think it's a big issue that new subs coming into bdsm don't value there submission enough, it is a gift and should be treasured and respected by the D. I'm a sub myself and while not very experienced in the practical side of bdsm I've been in the community for about 3yrs.
Shellshock Posted September 21, 2020 Author Posted September 21, 2020 This is turning into a good topic
Carnelian2 Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 It is like a dance; the D may lead but also need to know what dance it is and understand what steps the s might want to explore. That also makes it more fun; you can dance salsa with the basic steps but once you explore turns it is much more fun but your s also needs to be tuned if you want to do more adventurous turns. I think the question of appreciation is kind of obvious - much more fun also in terms of mutual growth if both the D and s enjoys it
Cade Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 I may be missing the point; are you saying people that want more than one sub (polyamory, for example) and are able to move beyond emotions to make decisions based on logic (stoics) are narcissists and bad? I believe this would be jumping to conclusions erroneously. It's okay that this isn't the type of dominant you want, of course; however, just because they don't fit your image of what a dominant should be (monogamous and sensitive, I guess), doesn't mean they are anything negative - just not compatible with you. I think many people on both sides of the slash are poly, and I like to think some people can see the value of control that rises above the insanity of emotions to lead with reason and rational. I don't think either quality on their own or even together is enough to suggest an individual is a narcissist.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 On 9/20/2020 at 7:52 AM, Rave92 said: I know i am a sub but hate controlling narcissist behavior. The way some what to have more then one to contol and act like there not bothered about you are your feeling . For me this is a sigh that a dom/domme is not very good and its all this a egotistical boost with no substance. Or long-term benefits. Just a lonely loud gong. Poly dynamics can and do work very well for some people. If everyone is made aware of the situation and what the Dom/me can give or bring to the dynamic then it’s ok. Making a decision if this is enough for you or would fulfil you is your responsibility.
Koby Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 4 hours ago, Rave92 said: Just made a massive mistake in judgment this year. But am wiser for it. This is key! Regardless of the dynamic or whether its poly or mono - I think basic level of mutual care and consideration should be universal. I would also say, we also have responsibility to ourselves to do our own due diligence when we start communicating with a potential partner. If we want to avoid feeling hurt in the future.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Cade said: I may be missing the point; are you saying people that want more than one sub (polyamory, for example) and are able to move beyond emotions to make decisions based on logic (stoics) are narcissists and bad? I believe this would be jumping to conclusions erroneously. It's okay that this isn't the type of dominant you want, of course; however, just because they don't fit your image of what a dominant should be (monogamous and sensitive, I guess), doesn't mean they are anything negative - just not compatible with you. I think many people on both sides of the slash are poly, and I like to think some people can see the value of control that rises above the insanity of emotions to lead with reason and rational. I don't think either quality on their own or even together is enough to suggest an individual is a narcissist. I don't think the OP has an issue with poly relationships, more the people who "collect" subs like a harem, and have no regard for furtherment of their individual skills or development of their knowledge. I have had a friend admit to doing this, having had a few subs on the go at once, And not being able to keep up with them all. Thats not really polyamory, even though they all knew about each other. It was greed on the Doms part for wanting to be surrounded by submissives.
ey**** Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 I think there's a lot of Dominants where the expected relationship is that you place them the centre of the world - because you are serving them and working towards their happiness so on (which doesn't mean forego your own happiness) The kinda problem there is that this can be borderline with narcissism and entitlement also. I think this is something that some Dominants can certainly be guilty of. But this is also something where it's important also for subs to know the line and that if things don't work out isn't necessarily because the Dominant is any form of bad person.
ey**** Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 4 hours ago, Paul_aka_Helen said: so huge that many will simply move on to the next one in line if you don't just put up with it. I have seen many times Dommes complaining about being thought of as kink dispensers, but that attitude shows that's how they think of subs Ooh. I've so many views here it could very easily spiral. But, yes. I think it's important to avoid complacency, that if you are in service to someone you don't let your standards slip when you think you've made it. But, I do think there has to be a line in treating submissives like they're replaceable. It's an important reminder, but one that shouldn't feed insecurities. I mean, Hell, I'm someone where the Mistress announced a new sub the *same day* I was let go, so... aye.
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 On 9/20/2020 at 7:52 AM, Rave92 said: I know i am a sub but hate controlling narcissist behavior. The way some what to have more then one to contol and act like there not bothered about you are your feeling . For me this is a sigh that a dom/domme is not very good and its all this a egotistical boost with no substance. Or long-term benefits. Just a lonely loud gong. Have you considered the feeling of the Domme or the impact on how you behaved? Yes, Domme's have choice, yes, a good Domme will be explicit from the outset about her limitations, interests and availability. And clarify the intentions they have for a potential connection. Yes, its the subs choice to pursue that and engage. Yes, its the right of either party to say if they aren't happy.... to label this as narcissistic or entitled or egotistical or negligence is unfair. Looking at fulfilment, growth and enjoyment of the Domme, how can that occur if the submissive is unable to assist themselves, persistently sloppy and lapsy daisy. Particularly if seen in the early "friendship" pre play stage. Dommes are not obliged to be nurse maids to the frustrated and should they assert a position of not wishing to carry on the connection/ dynamic then I don't think finger pointing and crying into your wank sock is the way forward. 🔥🔥🔥
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 4 hours ago, METALSIR said: Agreed Rave. As I have said repeatedly... Start by loving your sub/dom. This is bollocks Metal.... love.... in a deeper more philosophical level yes.... in a jaded by vanilla construct way....absolutely not!!!! Many many people practice BDSM outside of the heteronormative patriarchal structures of society. Love has so many layers of complication and whilst I care about, nurture, attend to and encourage my subs I will never say I love them because I don't want either of us confused about what the fuck that it. I don't offer a girlfriend experience, I won't cook your tea or clean or wipe your brow when poorly because I can't and won't. I think a real deeper more sophisticated approach is needed here. This isn't girl meets boys and the all live kinkily ever after. 🔥🔥🔥
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 3 hours ago, sweet***sub said: Poly dynamics can and do work very well for some people. If everyone is made aware of the situation and what the Dom/me can give or bring to the dynamic then it’s ok. Making a decision if this is enough for you or would fulfil you is your responsibility. It works well when all parties understand it and own their own feelings and as Koby said "due diligence" to yourself 🔥🔥🔥
Deleted Member Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 1 hour ago, MissPattch said: I don't think the OP has an issue with poly relationships, more the people who "collect" subs like a harem, and have no regard for furtherment of their individual skills or development of their knowledge. I have had a friend admit to doing this, having had a few subs on the go at once, And not being able to keep up with them all. Thats not really polyamory, even though they all knew about each other. It was greed on the Doms part for wanting to be surrounded by submissives. What if the Dominant wants an army?? You're right it isn't polyamory, its ethical non monogamy, poly is broadly used in BDSM to denote many. Why is greed bad, if all are informed? 🔥🔥🔥
Laurah Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 To be completely honest, if I may wade in.. Discussions like this, while important. And enlightening for those who dont subscribe to the life style.. I think it's best for conversations about boundaries and "how much attention will I be getting out of this?" to be done in private. As opposed to passive aggressive vague forum posts or profile statuses.
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