Aspergers, social filters and offence.

[Deleted Member]

Abrasive, thoughtless, tactless, selfish, rude, direct.

All true yet there are others, Driven, focused, kind, empathetic, Affectionate, loyal.

Maybe a few more, obsessive, reactionary, introverted, stubborn.

 

All fair words to describe Aspergers a condition I was diagnosed with 15 or so years ago. A few had mentioned it over the years along with words like odd, weird, but to be fair, I am a little yet i have found peace with that especially over the last couple of years.. It was my ex wife who finally got me to take steps and that's what I did. It gave me clarity, made me and my own confusion easier to deal with as let's not forget I was fully aware i was different, had been all my life and with this kink shit aswell? Kept my brain occupied 😂😂. I have only told one other on this site and it was her words and reaction that encouraged me to reveal the truth, maybe it will answer a few questions that some of you may of had.

 

A social filter is something we struggle with at times and we are aware of the wake we can leave behind yet just like you we are what we are and struggle to change although age really does help in acceptance of self, and all our weirdness rather than in a reactionary way. Believe me i have tried and it just doesn't work, but you must never forget most of the time we just don't mean it as we can see things, from a very different standpoint on what is important, and what is not 

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                           Offence

 

Ahhh the joys of the online world, especially a community as diverse as this one. There is truth, kink, anger, lies, loyalty, friendship, frustration and judgment. There are friends, lovers, enemies and fall outs. There is affection, kindness, love and lust. So much and so many, so it's reasonable to assume that at times there is going to be strife. This is what the fetmods are for, to step in and do their jobs when that strife awakens. They have to make a judgment based solely on what they see and only what they see yet sometimes they won't know the full story, yet that is not their fault.

 

For me to think we are all going to get along all the time is unreasonable, Just like any group or family there will be disagreements, tantrums and arguments.  Not one individual for me has more right to opinion than anyone else, all are equal for me until you prove me wrong. Sure, there are those who login every day and there are those who may only browse once a week yet the rights and access for all are the same. It matters not whether you are VIP or standard, it matters not whether you're new to the scene or 30 years under your belt the site is for all and inclusive. It matters not if you're just here for some casual hook ups or are a high protocol, old guard traditionalist the site is for all and if it were not I wouldn't be here as I'm far from high protocol. I would have been banned months ago.

 

Along the way in any group we generally make friends, and as is natural we would maybe talk to those friends more. It's the way the world has been for thousands of years and will be for thousands of more(if we get that far). Here in this community we are inclusive and quite rightly so, but again friendships do form. Those who are fortunate enough to maybe make connections should for me possibly not be made to feel uncomfortable for their luck. Some may call it cliquey but i say friendship and nothing more. It seems in a strange way friendship can cause offence yet to me that is such a strange concept yet it really does seem to exist. I can see very well how some may see it as being cliquey but it is not, not for me anyway. I will talk to anyone but not about the weather. You wish to talk brill but let's talk about life, humans and what we are, the universe, whether there is a God. Talk about that and I will chew your ear off. Oh, sorry!! Forgot kink, that's cool too 😊.

 

I've not once, ever ignored a message even if it's from someone I don't know or don't have the hots for, I reply to them politely and with grace unless it's an obvious scammer. If it's someone who's showing Interest in me but that feeling is not reciprocated then I will still reply, in a gentle, polite and respectful way as that for me is what a gent does. Yes I have used the block button but never after sending a charged message so for me that is the complete opposite of cliquey but let's never forget I'm a vanilla gent first and always.I do not ghost or ignore, I do not hide when I've been a dick, I don't slink away for a couple of weeks. I've learned over the years that is the worst thing you can do, makes it so much harder to come back. Better to show your face and get on with it, hopefully lesson learned yet sadly that is not always the case.

 

It's easy to cause offence especially for a man like me. 43 years myself and best mate have been close, we are brothers and have been for a long time yet I know I frustrate him at times, even now. 3 physical fights we have had over the years and it's 2-1 to him, but there is always time to even the score 😊. Its always been my words the cause yet seriously there was no intention to cause hurt, only for me direct truth and in a way affection.  

 

If I mean you offence which I may at times as is my right, then as i learned many years ago it will be clear and unmistakable, be it right or wrong I will be very direct so there is no confusion 😊. Unless of course my path is blocked but I will confront always, if not happy.

 

But it's easy to cause offence by mistake through choice of words especially when you think like i do and emotion is high.

 

A pinball machine, turbo charged, supercharged, the ball whizzing around at impossible speed, that is the mind of Aspergers.

 

Dr Spock, clinical, logical, precise, cold, calm. That is the mind of Aspergers.

 

If I were to type something and you were to take offence for that you must try and understand that I, like you, am flawed but my intention was not to hurt you. If it does then I'm sorry you feel like that but it's not my cross to carry as i intend no spite, its just me being me and i have as much right to be me as you to be you. This is a community where apparently acceptance is high. Surely that should not just be for gender and sexuality but also another's spirituality and emotionality, How can it be not? We can't pick or choose how accepting we are and of whom depending on your own personality, and whether you agree.

 

Intention always has to come Into play. If we were face to face the offence would not happen so easily as then you would see my grin as I say it, hear the tone in my voice and understand. I'm direct, straight to the point as that is my nature and the written word so easily, can miss the true intention. 

 

The community expects certain behaviour and quite rightly so, protocol, rules and the big ones are so important for all to have safe and consensual fun. The important for me are the ones we should ALL be focused on. These are part of who I am as a man already so no issues there, but the smaller ones? Maybe for me in my Interpretation of the world as a whole and how it works, the way I see things and the way my mind processes,, maybe they are not that important to me, and that is my right, to prioritise for me what is important and what is not. To choose my own path even if it's abrasive to others at times. You need not read or get involved if you not likey. You can change the channel or the page at any time, you are not ***d to be part of any offence any of us may cause. I believe some choose to be offended, enjoy the drama of it all A member said some time ago he felt maybe some like to be offended, need a cause, I tend to agree with him as for me there are much bigger issues to be getting offended over rather than maybe written words on a page online.

 

You wanna know what offends me? What really offends me? Knowing what we have done to this planet and what's going to happen pursuing greed, knowing right now as I type a child will be dying from lack of nutrition or clean water. Knowing many today will end what they are as they feel so alone and lost. Life is far from raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, surely these things are what we should ALL be getting offended by, the real issues that our planet faces and areas where we as human beings are found to be wanting. Not so much the little things, life is too short for foolishness like that, it really is, so offence should for me be used for the larger issue we as a race face, save your energy for the real battles, the ones that truly count.

 

Never been much of a PC man to be fair, not keen on some restrictions and rules placed upon me by another. Have been self employed for almost 20 years for that very reason, the freedom and no boss. So I have always railed a little against authority. Fuck the "man"  and his capatalist system. Viva la revolution 🤘.

 

We can all be dickheads, every one of us just sometimes in different ways. I'm fully aware i can, don't forget I live with me so I see it all the time. You lot only see a part so count yourselves fortunate 😊 So, offence can be caused yet it has to be thought of in context and I remember a similar thread to this a few months ago where I commented. However now my view has hardened a little, another perspective. We are who we are and yes we must strive to be more if we can, but honesty about yourself and being comfortable with yourself is key for a healthy life. To change yourself too much for others for me is unhealthy, you have to keep it real warts n all because if you don't then it's all a lie. If others find you abrasive or don't like you, then what's the problem as that is the way of the world, and you really can't please all of the people all of the time and to try to do so would eventually drive you insane.

 

I see things differently to you, I sweat the small stuff yes but only because I'm not very good at it, and I'm fully aware of how it can impact on others, sometimes negatively. The actual issue for me doesn't really matter but the impact does, yes it can make me feel bad in retrospect upon realisation of the possible damage caused but this is me and thus is Aspergers. Caustic and abrasive at times yet nearly always with good intention and a good heart. The way we express emotion, something we struggle to process at times, can in turn be confusing for all but trust me, it's even harder for us. Remember the pinball machine? That expresses it perfectly.

 

Social filters sometimes we struggle a little with, but not the big things. No the important stuff  you can guarantee we have thought it through in deep detail with lists and even graphs n shit 😊. We do think and we do know when we hurt, believe me that causes us hurt, but we don't mean it.  

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I mean no offence to anyone with this thread, just the ramblings of a middle aged man who felt a little clarity was needed. We are what we are and that's it, some things some care about more than others and that's ok yet others may think and can  see things very differently indeed. 

 

I used the word "foolishly" earlier purposely when talking about prioritising what is important and what is not. That in itself could cause offence yet I can assure you it was not meant that way. I can assure you that I do not think you are a fool, it's just a word and maybe a good example of what we maybe should really be thinking about when we think of the word offence. What really is offensive on our planet, what really is important, and should REALLY concern us as a race and, as one people.

 

Peace and love.

Primal thoughts.

D x

 

[Deleted Member]

I applaud you for being transparent about your diagnosis. Whilst Aspergers is diagnosed in kids more often now, I still find that people have little understanding and embrace stereotypes. And Aspergers is termed High-Functioning Autism in many parts of the UK and elsewhere - more confusion.

I have children with Aspergers. The more that adults with ASD talk about it, the more that an alternative view of the world is heard, the better. Because I’ve found it to be an incredibly valuable and insightful way to view the world. An adult aspie friend told me this week that large corporates actively recruit those on the autistic spectrum because of that alternative view and their related abilities. Graphs and shit 😁 as you put it.

[Deleted Member]

I was diagnosed with Asperger's 8 years ago, after my son's diagnosis and it brought so much relief and clarity to my mind, because finally I could put a pin into something and say that's it, I'm not a weirdo, I'm not in fact a freak or a retard (a teacher used to call me that regularly).

My brain was just wired differently is all.

Kudos for the post mate 👍🙂

[Wo****]

My ex ldr has aspergers. He is one of the most genuine men I know. He has no brain to mouth filter which has led to hilarious moments, inappropriate moments, moments where I'd go you can't say that!! (To which he'd just say why?)

 

It's easy to judge.

I did, just a few days ago. I received a comment that I initially took as one of those smutty come ons. Having read the posters profile, he mentions his aspergers, it threw a different light on the comment.

 

@Donnykinkster Insightful post, and honest. Thank you x

 

@Curvykate My ex ldr, he's a software designer, top of the field. He's an aspie. He tells me that most folk that work with computers on that scale are on the spectrum.

 

I love being with folk that are on the spectrum. I can relate and the total honesty is something special.

[Carnelian2]

@Donnykinkster Thank you for a well-thought out, albeit long 😊 post. The one thing that strikes me with what you said is how we always feel that we have to somehow justify something when it is out of the ordinary. Many years ago when Tiger Woods broke up due to his extra-marital affairs, there was a lot of talk about him suffering from sex-addiction, which is a nice way to explain it away as though it was somehow justified that he cheated on his wife. 
I have a quick brain, and I tend to say things as they are. As I have grown older I have both become more direct and more careful in what I say to whom. It depends, and I do not always read the situation correctly. Other times, I just think "sod it, I will just say it straight". We are who we are, and that is what matters. 
We should just try to accept people for who they are. Beneath the idiosynchasies of every individual, there is a soul that seeks expression. If only we would allow every soul to express itself freely, then we would have so much more nuance in this World. 
Brilliant post. 

[ca****]

Very interesting and thanks for dealing and bringing the Asperger's thing 'to air' as it were.....  realise the post is partially an 'explanation' of yourself maybe -  but i think it is important and very 'powerful' to try to explain these things  (if you are able) to a wider audience.....

I see so much of myself in some of your words - I am not diagnosed, but i feel i am very likely Asperger's to some degree of some flavour .....   and to be honest I dont really have a clue as to what it is???!    (but then me and labels never really fit!!! - that is how my mind works)

I shall direct message to find out a bit more...  might look into discovering a bit more about it myself..

 

I happened to watch Chris Packham doing a programme on the TV about the subject....  and ended up being really fascinated by a lot of it and how he 'approaches it' - one striking message was how when he was younger a doctor diagnosed him and kind of suggested he could 'make him better' and 'make him like other 'normal' people'  (i hate to use the word normal but heyho).........   Packham's mindset on that approach is fucking spot on in my eyes

Youtube  /google - "chris packham aspergers and me"  -  worth the watch and listen i feel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4tLlIzMGjM  (this might be the full version)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0mIFmRCaCs - part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8CMDg0aR3c - part 2

 

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Curvykate said:

An adult aspie friend told me this week that large corporates actively recruit those on the autistic spectrum because of that alternative view and their related abilities. Graphs and shit 😁 as you put it.

When something interests,  or we set a personal goal our focus and commitment is unwavering.  Yep we can indeed function highly especially at work, but its the social stuff that often trips us up 😊😊.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Bigbeardeddaddy42 said:

 because finally I could put a pin into something and say that's it, I'm not a weirdo, I'm not in fact a freak or a retard

I feel that brother, much easier to deal with something when you know what it is and I went through exactly the same. However it doesn't change that "weirdness" just makes it easier to understand and ergo deal with it when the pinball machine starts to go haywire.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

We should just try to accept people for who they are. Beneath the idiosynchasies of every individual, there is a soul that seeks expression. If only we would allow every soul to express itself freely, then we would have so much more nuance in this World. 
Brilliant post. 

Thank you, ha ha it was much much longer but fate intervened and a shorter version you see 😊😊.

 

I couldn't agree more with all your words yet these resonate most. What I've found is acceptance of others comes with age as by then we have found out the truth of what we are, and that makes it much easier to accept the truth of others. Takes time in my wiew to get to that point.

[Deleted Member]

22 hours ago, callipygian said:

I happened to watch Chris Packham doing a programme on the TV about the subject....  and ended up being really fascinated by a lot of it and how he 'approaches it' - one striking message was how when he was younger a doctor diagnosed him and kind of suggested he could 'make him better' and 'make him like other 'normal' people'  (i hate to use the word normal but heyho).........   Packham's mindset on that approach is fucking spot on 

If I remember rightly I watched the same and the way he lived his life, a cabin in the woods away from others for me made perfect sense. That's not to say we are not social as we are, in the right setting but to breath in solitude is something I need and do.

 

[ca****]

That sounds like the same program yes.. just watched the first part again...  really is a fascinating insight.

I also think it is worth saying a lot of the time people try or do explain 'mental health' 'health' 'state of mind' (however you want to enclose it)......   but it is and can so 'individual'  -   just try to get your head around depression ...     and bear in mind this applies to all of us...  we all think differently in some way, which agina comes back to some of the original post... ie how others can be upset by how someone states their words..  it is a 2 way thing... the words are said (spoken / written ) form one point of view (person) and are then received (percieved, made sense of (or not) by another or others...  and we wonder why confusion rules

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Bigbeardeddaddy42 said:

I was diagnosed with Asperger's 8 years ago, after my son's diagnosis and it brought so much relief and clarity to my mind, because finally I could put a pin into something and say that's it, I'm not a weirdo, I'm not in fact a freak or a retard (a teacher used to call me that regularly).

My brain was just wired differently is all.

Kudos for the post mate 👍🙂

Wired differently - that is the key. I saw a quote comparing a neurotypical brain to an autistic one using the analogy of operating systems. I liked that, it makes sense to me. It’s very common for parents to recognise something in themselves after their child has been diagnosed, I think? I don’t have Aspergers (although it’s quite different for girls/women) but I do recognise traits in myself now that help me. Explain things.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

When something interests,  or we set a personal goal our focus and commitment is unwavering.  Yep we can indeed function highly especially at work, but its the social stuff that often trips us up 😊😊.

Yes the social stuff. And school can be a lot more difficult. I have seen that first hand and find it hard to imagine what a day feels like - seems to overwhelm my kids. 😟

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Yes the social stuff. And school can be a lot more difficult. I have seen that first hand and find it hard to imagine what a day feels like - seems to overwhelm my kids. 😟

It can yes, we know we are different to most of the others so we try harder to fit in, we can be overwhelmed by all the noise and different personalities, for me that's when the pinball machine started to move faster and the emotions became harder to process.

 

Yet

 

In vanilla onve a date was arranged the anxiety and nerves were hard to deal with, all the way right upto the date and throughout. Knowing I was going to be judged in a certain way and in a similar way to how we are at school.

 

Yet 

 

I went directly into the army from school and of course I was nervous, anxious but I soon realised I was going to be judged in a different way. Did I moan at 4am when we were all freezing or did I suck it up, was I last on a gruelling hill run, would I help the lad who was dropping behind etc. I soon realised there was a different type of acceptance, an Esprit De corps. We were all in the same boat, we were all freezing cold, we were a family and THAT kept the pinball machine quiet.

 

It's much the same here, we are judged by our peers in different ways, not the normal social standards expected in vanilla. Ive been fortunate to have met a few ladies and once  the social is arranged all I feel is excitement, no nerves or anxiety, just complete confidence. I think it's the same theory as the ***s, we are in the same boat, from the same family and again that is for me an Esprit De Corps which again, keeps the overactive brain quiet. We feel we fit even with our odd ways 😊😊. We are accepted more than in mainstream society so the pressures from outside but more importantly from within are a completely different type.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

It can yes, we know we are different to most of the others so we try harder to fit in, we can be overwhelmed by all the noise and different personalities, for me that's when the pinball machine started to move faster and the emotions became harder to process.

Yet

In vanilla onve a date was arranged the anxiety and nerves were hard to deal with, all the way right upto the date and throughout. Knowing I was going to be judged in a certain way and in a similar way to how we are at school.

Yet 

I went directly into the army from school and of course I was nervous, anxious but I soon realised I was going to be judged in a different way. Did I moan at 4am when we were all freezing or did I suck it up, was I last on a gruelling hill run, would I help the lad who was dropping behind etc. I soon realised there was a different type of acceptance, an Esprit De corps. We were all in the same boat, we were all freezing cold, we were a family and THAT kept the pinball machine quiet.

It's much the same here, we are judged by our peers in different ways, not the normal social standards expected in vanilla. Ive been fortunate to have met a few ladies and once  the social is arranged all I feel is excitement, no nerves or anxiety, just complete confidence. I think it's the same theory as the ***s, we are in the same boat, from the same family and again that is for me an Esprit De Corps which again, keeps the overactive brain quiet. We feel we fit even with our odd ways 😊😊. We are accepted more than in mainstream society so the pressures from outside but more importantly from within are a completely different type.

Do you think also that the clear rules and the routine of army life helped with emotional processing? I find your description of your experience of life fascinating - I hope that isn’t patronising. It’s an insight into quite a different perspective than mine. I follow a site called Spectrumy and read something today which chimes well with this post. I want to help my kids, one of whom is nearly an adult now. And challenge my assumptions about people.

[Carnelian2]

Reading through a couple of comments on the comfort that structure gives. I am very similar; for me, it is either black or white (although, I do know the World is mostly grey). However, this certainty gives me comfort. It also helps me greatly in my daily life. Yes, on the Social side - the whole idea of going into a chat room or (real life) a social setting and just start to talk casually with anyone around anything. Never been great at that. Yet, I have managed to surround myself with people who fill that gap - not even consciously. I suppose we all find ways that suits our particular temperaments.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Do you think also that the clear rules and the routine of army life helped with emotional processing? I find your description of your experience of life fascinating - I hope that isn’t patronising. It’s an insight into quite a different perspective than mine. I follow a site called Spectrumy and read something today which chimes well with this post. I want to help my kids, one of whom is nearly an adult now. And challenge my assumptions about people.

Not patronising at all Kate, I think you know me better than that. Yep the structure and routine helped tremendously, Aspies love routine. My time in the ***s helped me as a young man grow in many ways, the confidence it instilled is still with me today and I will never regret the experience.

 

Where I still struggle is let's say a night out round town, yep it's crazy and manic and a good night to be had. I'm constantly on edge because of all the different folk and the noise, I can still have a good night but I have been known many times to get to a certain point and just leave, go home as it all starts to become too much. The next day I would always keep to myself, in my flat surrounded by my things, peace and quiet, solitude to recharge. Yet put me in my local working man's club where I know everyone and they know me I  would go out every night.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Carnelian2 said:

Reading through a couple of comments on the comfort that structure gives. I am very similar; for me, it is either black or white (although, I do know the World is mostly grey)

Exactly the same, it's the grey areas I find I struggle with.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Not patronising at all Kate, I think you know me better than that. Yep the structure and routine helped tremendously, Aspies love routine. My time in the ***s helped me as a young man grow in many ways, the confidence it instilled is still with me today and I will never regret the experience.

Where I still struggle is let's say a night out round town, yep it's crazy and manic and a good night to be had. I'm constantly on edge because of all the different folk and the noise, I can still have a good night but I have been known many times to get to a certain point and just leave, go home as it all starts to become too much. The next day I would always keep to myself, in my flat surrounded by my things, peace and quiet, solitude to recharge. Yet put me in my local working man's club where I know everyone and they know me I  would go out every night.

I like to be careful nonetheless 🤗. Sensory overload seems to definitely be an issue and change? New things/people/situations. I have read lots about ASD but still have much to learn. I know that routine is important but unfortunately I have come to suspect that I have issues myself - possibly ADHD - the attention kind, not the hyperactive kind. Creating routines, sticking to tasks and being organised is increasingly more difficult for me. And I imagine it clashes quite a lot with aspie traits so the more I understand the better. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

. Sensory overload seems to definitely be an issue and change? 

As always back of the net, That's exactly right

[Leisa]

I hate when the world puts labels on people.  Not one of us is just a label or just a condition that is a label.  I have bi-polar but that does not make me anything other than who I am.  I'm wired differently and sometimes those wires get crossed.  Unlike your condition I can take meds that are stabilizing and give an extra connection.  I think there are many in the community who have been diagnosed with one condition or another that makes us unique and draws us into the world of BDSM.  Otherwise would anyone really choose to be in a community that is a daily struggle to understand?  We are all different than what society deems are the "norm" and it's ok to be this way.  I think the key for everyone is to learn to accept ourselves as individuals and move forward to the best of our abilities, hurting others as little as possible, and making a difference in our piece of the world.  Donny you are beautiful and unique.  Sensitive and kind.  If more people were like you than it would be a much kinder, gentler place.