Dating and the lifestyle

[Ba****]

Being honest, ive been in this community for such a long time, but I have yet to find a partner who shares my interests. I am straight, but dating apps and other things never really work for me, and being sober makes it hard to meet people when going out. Any advice?

[Se****]

To be honest, I have been part of the lifestyle since 2018, and I too have had a difficult time finding someone who shares my interests as well. Most of us have unique interests and experiences.

[ey****]

dating apps can be very difficult, especially if they're the online line you're using

though - a lot of people do not drink at munches, either cos they don't, or cos they're driving or so on - it wouldn't be abnormal to attend and not drink

[kimutu72]

stick with it, my last sub we were together for nearly a year & we did everything together, if you go to bars who says you have to drink? or is it the actual bar that you cnt? why does it have to be a bar? what about dinner, coffee or if it feels right why not a strip club?

[Pe****]

You're male, straight, dominant, and drink. All things that are going to decrease your dating pool. Every specific kink and preference makes finding a partner less likely.
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As for advice, it's a matter of what you're looking for. If you want your kinks met, it will take time. If your kinks don't matter as much, you could advertise more generic roles and work to meet your partner's kinks more than your own.
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You may also want to think about why it's so hard for you to meet people while sober. Inebriation can calm you or boost confidence, but it doesn't help long-term with whatever you're masking. You can't be drunk all the time, so you're garunteeing they see a change in personality. Add in that playing while drunk is not considered the best idea, and it seems like who they meet and who they can be expecting to play with most of the time are not the same.

[zu****]

@Pet_Mimic I think he meant that it’s hard to meet people since he’s sober and doesn’t want to hang out in bars. One thing I would say from experience is that it’s entirely possible to bring someone into the lifestyle or share your specific kinks with but it’s a shot in the dark. I have been lucky with this in the past. We not together anymore and I’m in the same boat you’re in with not having a ton of luck with online.

[ca****]

It's a struggle that's for sure! I have the same unfortunate problem with dating. I don't not how much the sober part matters but. Getting people to take a chance on you is tough

[Av****]

Dress for the job you want. There's a certain aesthetic and way of communicating that will attract the women you want. We're all visual creatures. Im bi and I like trans women and androgynous people as well as women, and I have to make myself a little more appealing for that demographic by presenting as less masculine. Which is hard as a hairy 6'3" bear build man 😅.

But beyond the superficial, theres also just being congruent with what you want. If you want a live in sub, you should live and act like a 24/7 dom regardless of whether you have a sub in your life or not. You create the world shes submitting herself to, theres a fair amount of work that has to be done to create that.

Also worth mentioning- baby steps from date, to playing, to on/off sub, to live in sub. Most women wont dive full into it from the get go- its like showing up on the first date and saying "let's get married".

Men have to be more intentional and considerate- the current market dynamics are not stacked in your favor and you have to keep experimenting to figure out what works for you

[Ch****]

Youre from the land of Sideways and youre sober!? 👏 👏 👏 Think positively...drinking and domming is dangerous, so sobriety should be a good thing to a potential sub. As is being a designated driver. But yeah, online is tough. It's so much easier IRL but no guarantees either. See if that bike shop in Solvang is doing a group ride, and strike up some conversations with the hopefully healthy sober people there. Then quip about how much faster everyone would ride if floggers were involved. Whomever laughs comfortably is your people. (Seriously, it's tough, but not impossible...keep being you!)

[Pr****]

Yeah same here. Love seeing others support 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[Deleted Member]

Take it from experience. I've seen guys in the bar strike out with women because they were drunk, and I've seen guys leave the bar with a lady because he's sober and genuine. My point is, if you have to be drunk to meet a woman she will know you're fake and won't even look in your direction and if she does then it means she will fuck anyone sober or drunk.

[Deleted Member]

I feel exactly the same 😂

[kr****]

Iv been sober 17 years recently relapsed now Iv been sober since 8-4 …
For me im 49
In pretty good shape
Have multiple properties
I’m good in conversation
I’m a leader , alpha
Daddy dom with $
And i still have to grind abd out in the work … take great pics to showcase your assets
Try to be general in some areas to have a wider catch …
Be authentic
Be yourself
I was in a 16 year marriage and before that I was in prison so I had no real experience with anything … what I knew is I’m a care taker and im dominate and I get off on trust /control
Giving people the gift of *** and suffering to push themselves into a better version of them.

I cycled though a few subs after my wife left but wasn’t sadistfied …then right was I was ready to give up I met a local sub on app that was part of the sober community I’m from and had the best year abd half dynamic of my life .

[te****]

Man, I think this is all fake profiles or those who want to make you cashpig. Just go to bar and talk to real women. This is what I am planning to do tomorrow

[Ka****]

I’m teetotal and that isn’t the reason the apps are a struggle.

[Tu****]

I’m sober 12 years. I feel ya man.

[Ll****]

Meet someone who doesn't drink

[Sk****]

October 23, 2025, kimutu72 said:

stick with it, my last sub we were together for nearly a year & we did everything together, if you go to bars who says you have to drink? or is it the actual bar that you cnt? why does it have to be a bar? what about dinner, coffee or if it feels right why not a strip club?

A smart play is find a good bar (ok, easier said than done). Go early, before its crazy busy and loud. Just be straight up with the bartender "hey man, I dont drink booze, I'm just tryin to hang out. Can I just get a diet coke in a glass of ice so I can blend in?"

99.999% of bartenders will happily oblige and not even charge for the soda or refills. You wont have to explain it everytime, just once per bartender. Just tip the man as you would if it were a rum and coke. Neither the bartender or owner will give a shit, they're happy youre there, making the place more lively, and they know they dont have to babysit you, like the rest of the customers.

Even smarter play...do this at swanky wine bars. Order a cranberry juice in a wine glass (you probably have to pay for the juice here). the clientele there dont get as wasted, so theres less friction in conversation where one party is slurring, like the dive bars.

[MistressWhipplash]

It's true some fetish clubs sell alcohol. But many kinksters don't mix alcohol with BDSM play, I don't.

Not everyone at a munch drinks alcohol. I personally like a pint of cola with alot of ice.

At alternative markets there isn't alcohol at all so check through event listing's on Fetlife.com, before you attend.