Is it okay for a Dom to be angry?

[Twiggy]

So as a background - I am new to the whole Dom/sub thing, having only just started exploring it a couple months ago. I had a local Dom who I would see off and on, but we really hit it off. I got a bit annoyed with him as he would tell me stories of the other girls he was with, but when I even mentioned seeking another male for some sexual release (the Dom was not interested that night), he got mad at me. Now bear in mind, we never said we were exclusive or that we were keeping things just between us.

I actually didn’t have any intention of finding someone else that night, but I was ***ed and lashed at him as I felt he was being hypocritical in that it was okay for him to “sleep around”, but I couldn’t even mention it.

Is this normal Dom behaviour? Was I not being submissive enough? I honestly want to know if I did something wrong.

[ro****]

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

[Ro****]

Just now, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Wrong, partially wrong, wrong and wrong

[Ar****]

5 minutes ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Hard disagree. Nobody is ever always right. These pointers are open gateways to being taken advantage of at best, and outright @buse at worst.

Edited October 24 by Aranhis

[Su****]

This is why is important to dicuss these things.. if you can not have an adult conversation about it.. I personally would see that as a red flag!

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Toxic is putting it mildly. These are the sort of words that make people think BDSM and kink are the same with ***.

[Ar****]

5 hours ago, Twiggy said:

So as a background - I am new to the whole Dom/sub thing, having only just started exploring it a couple months ago. I had a local Dom who I would see off and on, but we really hit it off. I got a bit annoyed with him as he would tell me stories of the other girls he was with, but when I even mentioned seeking another male for some sexual release (the Dom was not interested that night), he got mad at me. Now bear in mind, we never said we were exclusive or that we were keeping things just between us.

I actually didn’t have any intention of finding someone else that night, but I was ***ed and lashed at him as I felt he was being hypocritical in that it was okay for him to “sleep around”, but I couldn’t even mention it.

Is this normal Dom behaviour? Was I not being submissive enough? I honestly want to know if I did something wrong.

I think this is normal manipulator behaviour. Many @busers and manipulators hide behind the Dom front but are not actually what the community would view as Doms.

 

He's being hypocritical, displaying a clear double-standard. Feeling anger is normal for anybody, but as a Dom/me that has to be kept in check and communicated/expressed in healthy, open ways.

 

I don't feel you did anything wrong. You drew attention to an issue, and he responded poorly to say the least. This is a situation you need to walk away from before he causes you harm.

Edited October 24 by Aranhis

[H0****]

Read a few books on D/s dynamics. Sometimes written as top/bottom.

In general, anyone can get mad and that’s on them. Consent and trust are key. If you consented to only him or where he is aware of outside play then you broke the trust. If that was not discussed but implied by him then it’s on him.

I want my s to have freedom, they can be my slave, slut, brat, bunny, whatever’s however the meet-ups are scheduled

[da****]

15 minutes ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

This is such a dangerous mindset. No one is ‘always right’ because no one is perfect including doms, doms make mistakes because they are humans. Submission is not just a one window fit for everyone it’s very diverse and stating what submission is for everyone is downright wrong.
Submission is earnt not given the whole ‘not questioning ur dom’ is very wrong, questions allow us to learn and understand each other. You should not be giving advice at all, sorry but not sorry for being harsh.

Moving on…
Answering this persons question it seems u and ur dom need to have a talk and communicate exactly what ur wanting from each other and exactly where ur at in terms of other potential sexual partners. I hope things work out for u.

[Pa****]

This is how things should go: The Negotiation Stage > Establishment of Dynamic. Then if necessary the Renegotiation Stage leading to the continuation of or end of the dynamic. You always have the power to re-negotiate which has nothing to do with being submissive enough. It's the price of your submission

[Deleted Member]

To answer your question a dom can be angry in the sense it is an emotion like any other.

However everything you mention about this dynamic sounds very toxic and manipulative.

He is using a tactic called triangulation to make you feel unimportant and to chip away at your self esteem. He might do this to make you emotionall and psychologically dependent on him and his aproval.

RUN! And dont look back!

Please look into SSC and RACK before you continue delving into any other dynamic or play session.

Good luck.

[ey****]

It's not normal behaviour. No.

If there was any form of expectation he could do as he wished with other partners, but you were exclusive to him then he should have communicated this, and you should have OK'd it.

It seems that didn't happen.

It could even be him talking about going off with other women was something which contributed to you feeling this was OK to do.

It sounds like, if you are continuing, the two of you need a proper talk on expectations and boundaries from each other.

And if you cannot agree on something which works for you both; thus endeth the relationship.

There are lots of potential compromises I could see, even if it is a "don't ask, don't tell" basis.

This said... if he is being angry and taking this out on you for something which wasn't something you could have deemed to be wrong... consider that a red flag.

[Deleted Member]

Oh and look into how to vet people.

[Se****]

6 hours ago, Twiggy said:

So as a background - I am new to the whole Dom/sub thing, having only just started exploring it a couple months ago. I had a local Dom who I would see off and on, but we really hit it off. I got a bit annoyed with him as he would tell me stories of the other girls he was with, but when I even mentioned seeking another male for some sexual release (the Dom was not interested that night), he got mad at me. Now bear in mind, we never said we were exclusive or that we were keeping things just between us.

I actually didn’t have any intention of finding someone else that night, but I was ***ed and lashed at him as I felt he was being hypocritical in that it was okay for him to “sleep around”, but I couldn’t even mention it.

Is this normal Dom behaviour? Was I not being submissive enough? I honestly want to know if I did something wrong.

Please, please don’t ever say “was I not being submissive enough?” - there honestly is no such thing as “submissive enough” it’s different for every person and every dynamic. Additionally, it puts the onus on you that anything that goes wrong (and things will go wrong) is your fault because “if you’d been more submissive” it wouldn’t have happened - it’s a horrible theory perpetuated by some very unsafe individuals.

If you have an issue or a problem then you need to have safe, effective and clear ways to communicate this with your Dom however (and this is just as important) he NEEDS to not only hear wheat you’re saying but actually listen and take it on board (and vice versa by the way).

You lashing out in anger or hurt isn’t ok - I do this too and it rarely goes well but in a different context. Find ways to be able to talk - it’s hard, I do understand that believe me but it is worth it.

He needs to understand that what he says and does impacts you and you both need to know where your boundaries and limits are - again communication (sorry, I sound like a broken record).

It sounds like you both lost your temper and “lashed out” at each other verbally (unless by “he got mad” you mean something else in which case this would be a VERY different reply) and IF you want to continue anything together you need to have a long discussion about what that looks like and what works for you.

Do not EVER let a Dom (or anyone else) tell you that your thoughts/feelings/emotions/opinions etc etc mean you aren’t being submissive enough - unless there is a CONSENSUAL agreement between you that says otherwise (and even then, there ought to be opportunities to discuss, but I digress) you should feel safe discuss these, anyone who says otherwise is a walking red flag. The safest Doms I have ever met are the ones who know they are fallible, understand that things happen and are happy and open to discuss anything and everything. One of the best Doms I ever knew had a rule that we checked in the next day after every play session (obviously sooner if needed), when we’d had a chance to process things, to discuss what had/hadn’t worked, concerns etc. he was a fabulous man and he taught me a lot  

What you’re describing is not “normal Dom behaviour” because there is no such thing, as there is no such thing as “normal sub” behaviour. But, it is human behaviour. We all have and experience emotions but we need to learn to express them safely and freely with each other and not let them rule us - that is when it becomes dangerous.

There are going to be a million people who argue with the points I’ve made, and at the end of the day it’s up to you what feels right or wrong for you. Please reach out should you need or wish to x

[JackJonesHull]

Simply put, no.
I feel that anger should never appear, it's a potential danger and would be a hard no.
If I felt any anger I would explain that and ask for a postponement.

[Ba****]

As with any relationship, it is essential to discuss if the relationship is open or closed to others. It is totally reasonable for it to only be open to one partner BUT both must be fully consenting to this. With a new dynamic, it’s fairly standard for all involved to sit down as equals and discuss things like limits, his needs, your needs, how the dynamic will look etc. this will include whether sex with others is ok. I get the impression you haven’t had this chat yet and it will definitely help you.

As for your original question, is it okay for a Dom to be angry. Of course it is. Dominants are humans first and feel all the same emotions as everyone else does. It’s how the emotion is handled that matters.

Honestly, your post did concern me though. He wasn’t in the mood for sex with you during one encounter. You reacted to this by saying you’d go find someone else then. This is not okay. You were being manipulative. It’s irrelevant whether he’s seen other women, you said that to hurt him or to *** his hand so he had sex with you. If he had, that’s called coercive consent and it isn’t really consent at all.

If I’ve misunderstood anything, I apologise and please do correct me.

[Pr****]

Vet better. Sit down like a business interview and discuss both parties wants, needs, and expectations. Lay out a basic dynamic and grow from that. Is it normal? No. Is it uncomfortable in concept? Yes. In execution; it's beautiful because if it's the right person it all very quickly falls into place. Me and my sub would've probably never naturally found some kind of foothold to just delve into it. We took it slow and put it all on the table and with that we realized we were perfect for each other beyond a lot of surface things most people stop with. She knows her safety is my priority. Nothing is done that isn't discussed first. If she wants me to be angry, I will find a way to do it safely. But, she truly holds all of the power. I do everything within her boundaries then slowly expand those at her comfort level.

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Bahahahahahahahaha! No. That’s toxic and dangerous advice to give to a new submissive.

[Pr****]

1 hour ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Idk what planet you're from, but this ain't it, chief. Not at all. Do not give advice.

[Ne****]

2 hours ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

Absolutely Not. Unhealthy, toxic, abusive have no place in MY BDSM or kink. I don't care who a person is, what their role, title, relation to me in my dynamic, if it's damaging, disparate, disproportionate, rude to me, disrespectful, hypocritical --- In NO interaction is any of that ok, even in kink. That's what I believe and the tenet I follow.

I encourage you on your kink journey to read as much as possible, chat with folks on forums and feeds like you have with this post, and seek healthy support.
🧡

[Ms****]

It sounds like you had a lack of boundaries and communication from thr beginning. If you weren't exclusive, then there still needs to be talk about other partners, what to share, when, and how much to share. Some dont want to know at all, some want details, and some just want to know enough to be safe for health and STDs. The beauty is in communication, laying out boundaries, and both parties feeling heard and satisfied. Its not about fair, ita about what you choose to agree to. If at some point you change your mind, you need yo take time to re-address the rules and boundaries.

[4R****]

3 hours ago, robin_cd said:

First a Dom is always right Second your place is to serve Third it is often do as I say not as I do Finally submission is not questioning your dom

This is why it’s great that questions like this are asked in the forum, so that answers like this one can be addressed. 
 

Nobody is always right, even the most experienced Dominants make mistakes. The submissive’s job is to serve but only to the extent of what has been agreed. It can be “do as I say, not as I do” because I might say sit on the floor whilst I sit on a nice comfy chair, for example. Submission is many things, but if I ever meet a sub that doesn’t ask questions, they can be sure I will never play with them. I want to be asked questions, I want input from my sub, I want feedback too. It is not disrespectful to ask the reason for an instruction, especially if it seems a little off. 

[NowIAmTheMaster]

3 hours ago, darlingitsyou said:

This is such a dangerous mindset. No one is ‘always right’ because no one is perfect including doms, doms make mistakes because they are humans. Submission is not just a one window fit for everyone it’s very diverse and stating what submission is for everyone is downright wrong.
Submission is earnt not given the whole ‘not questioning ur dom’ is very wrong, questions allow us to learn and understand each other. You should not be giving advice at all, sorry but not sorry for being harsh.

Moving on…
Answering this persons question it seems u and ur dom need to have a talk and communicate exactly what ur wanting from each other and exactly where ur at in terms of other potential sexual partners. I hope things work out for u.

This is absolutely the best advice. Dynamics, as with all relationships, live and die with the levels of communication put into them.

 

It does sound like this Dom only wants rules for he and not for he, which is not a sustainable approach to a dynamic 

[Nylon-Nellie]

@Twiggy  Please vet future Dom's and no rush to meet them nor have a scene with them. Person first, kink second is my rule of thumb. Listen to what people are saying on this thread, with regards to a reply that has been given. Also, there is plenty of advice given to you, on how navigate through the nasty pasties in this world.

Edited October 24 by Nylon-Nellie
Correct a typo.

[Twiggy]

Wow! Thanks for all the comments everyone! I definitely will do more research - clearly this “Dom” wasn’t a true one, as he didn’t do any aftercare for me and also didn’t have any discussion with me beforehand (set out rules/boundaries/expectations etc). I was by no means innocent in all of this, and I don’t put all the blame on him. Now off to read and research!