Kink, care and colour

[De****]

There’s an old myth about Venus Erycina, the goddess who tames erotic chaos but is never fully welcomed into the temple. She’s desired for what she reveals, rarely loved for who she is. That image has been sitting with me lately because it feels like the space I sometimes occupy in kink.

I’ve dated men from all backgrounds for most of my adult life, so none of this is about trying something new. What I’ve noticed recently, though, is a pattern that keeps repeating, especially with men who aren’t Black.

Whether they come to me as Dominants, submissives, or something in between, there is beginning to be a common thread.

In their twenties and thirties, they met a woman (a white woman), fell in love, had kids, got divorced (not in all cases) but they reach a point in their lives where they want to experiment.

To act out their fantasies and their kinks and go beyond what society tells them, tells us, is taboo and abnormal.

Yet in my exchanges with them it becomes obvious that their wives and “life” partners bring out the protector, the caring person who wants to cherish and shield yet with me, it brings out the “forbidden”. They feel more deeply, are more turned on, they are curious and have imagined what it’s like to be with a Black woman.

In fact lve often received DMs from men who want to know “if it’s true that Black women have tighter and wetter pussies” and that they want to “try for themselves”. Yes I get a lot of those types of messages, but what I’m describing feels like more than simple fetishes.

It feels like a kind of moral balancing act: purity and respectability on one side, intensity and experimentation on the other.

Like the goddess Venus Erycina, l become the place where repression takes a breath and these men can experience the fullness of what makes them tick. And while I can understand the psychology of it, I can also feel the weight of it, the sense that I’m being seen as an idea more than a person.

know this might go deeper than the usual forum conversations. Maybe it even pushes against what’s comfortable for this space. But I feel like these are the conversations some of us have been waiting to have.

Not to judge, but because I’m curious about whether this translates outside of my own experiences.

Because sometimes I wonder if Black women in kink can ever really be held as sites of care and protection, not just intensity and experimentation.

And I also wonder if that’s part of why being a switch has always appealed to me. Maybe because deep down, l feel it’s the only way to command a version of care that otherwise feels unsafe to ask for. Or that I have to accept that many men simply don’t know how to see me as both sexual and sensitive, powerful and in need of protection.

They can’t seem to hold all of that at once. And so I’m learning how to hold it myself.

For other Black or melanated women, do you recognise this split, being both desired and distanced in the same breath?

And for melanated men, do you ever feel like people project their sense of danger or freedom onto you as part of their kink rather than seeing you fully?

And to anyone non-melanated who’s played or dated across those lines, does any of this land with you? Have you ever noticed yourself or your partners in that kind of pattern, or does what I’ve written here feel completely unfamiliar?

[Ba****]

As a white person, I’m not often directly affected but I have noticed a lot of my not white friends are fetishised just for the colour of their skin. So it isn’t just you, it happens. I’m trying not to say that it shouldn’t, because a fetish communicated openly and honestly between 2 consenting adults is valid, but this is one that doesn’t sit right with me.

[Ta****]

Unfortunately it's plain old racism, women from other ethnicities are often seen as exotic, more sexual, and less human.
Btw, I'm white as a sheet. I had the reverse effect travelling in the Near East when men did not give me the courtesy they would give women from their culture. And an African ex who wanted me blond as the ultimative Status symbol of the white, blond woman.
It's sad, infuriating. They would never think it's racist. But I've heard white men dream of LatinX, black and the "demure" Asian women.
One can play with it in fetish, sure. BDSM lives from taboos.
But thinking women of another colour or culture are all a type and/or more sexually available is plain old racism.

[Deleted Member]

YES. I'm a pale-skinned woman, and this post, while expressing some specific points pertaining to experience of that of a Black Woman, could have written by myself.. as it pertains the pattern of men interacting with Me....

•I think it's part: when men look to women to be their therapy (for anything), which is VERY COMMON in general,
•When people haven't experienced a facet of humanity and come up with notions as to what it's like, sometimes errant, sometimes true but vulgarly misrepresented etc.,

The ways Black Men have spoken about me and my body displays a clear pattern and definitive general idea about what sex with me would be like - ie "I can tell you like to f*** because of your [hips, big arse etc]" (seems simply objectifying and not surrounding skin tone, necessarily) as well as, "White Women are nicer than Black Women.." and I am still unraveling that last bit...

As a FAT WHITE FEMALE: I've learned that men will look to me for all manner of things - thus far, NOT for who I Am, but because of whatever they've heard around the way about fat white chicks, see me as easy pickings, feel comfortable asking and nor telling "Me" things they think they cannot say to nor ask of Black partners.

I can see My experience being but a facet perhaps to Your own, and this being a larger and more complex issue?!

Whether You and I are having similar experiences, as Women, and or with specific group(s) of humans and something prevalent among Them, perhaps is too big a topic to discuss in this forum? - but I am very interested in how different cultures, views, and even errant and mysterious notions about others comes into play in everyday life and also in the kink world.

If I've misunderstood or missed the mark here, please let me know! What a great topic and I thank you for expressing Yourself here. ❤️‍🔥

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, TaliX said:

Unfortunately it's plain old racism, women from other ethnicities are often seen as exotic, more sexual, and less human.
Btw, I'm white as a sheet. I had the reverse effect travelling in the Near East when men did not give me the courtesy they would give women from their culture. And an African ex who wanted me blond as the ultimative Status symbol of the white, blond woman.
It's sad, infuriating. They would never think it's racist. But I've heard white men dream of LatinX, black and the "demure" Asian women.
One can play with it in fetish, sure. BDSM lives from taboos.
But thinking women of another colour or culture are all a type and/or more sexually available is plain old racism.

Well.... Racism and absolutely Sexism, right? I didn't want to plop that out on the table, craving a lengthier discussion but I agree. A few isms there, IMHO and I think it imperative we hold these types of discussions....

[De****]

17 minutes ago, NexumSange said:

YES. I'm a pale-skinned woman, and this post, while expressing some specific points pertaining to experience of that of a Black Woman, could have written by myself.. as it pertains the pattern of men interacting with Me....

•I think it's part: when men look to women to be their therapy (for anything), which is VERY COMMON in general,
•When people haven't experienced a facet of humanity and come up with notions as to what it's like, sometimes errant, sometimes true but vulgarly misrepresented etc.,

The ways Black Men have spoken about me and my body displays a clear pattern and definitive general idea about what sex with me would be like - ie "I can tell you like to f*** because of your [hips, big arse etc]" (seems simply objectifying and not surrounding skin tone, necessarily) as well as, "White Women are nicer than Black Women.." and I am still unraveling that last bit...

As a FAT WHITE FEMALE: I've learned that men will look to me for all manner of things - thus far, NOT for who I Am, but because of whatever they've heard around the way about fat white chicks, see me as easy pickings, feel comfortable asking and nor telling "Me" things they think they cannot say to nor ask of Black partners.

I can see My experience being but a facet perhaps to Your own, and this being a larger and more complex issue?!

Whether You and I are having similar experiences, as Women, and or with specific group(s) of humans and something prevalent among Them, perhaps is too big a topic to discuss in this forum? - but I am very interested in how different cultures, views, and even errant and mysterious notions about others comes into play in everyday life and also in the kink world.

If I've misunderstood or missed the mark here, please let me know! What a great topic and I thank you for expressing Yourself here. ❤️‍🔥

I appreciate you contribution and no you haven’t missed the mark. At its core we are talking about what is to be treated, cared for and respected as women irrespective of our kinks and what we are into.
I feel that we become a site “deviancy” and a way for men, in this context, to experience themselves through us but when they can’t integrate the being from the fantasy figure it collapses and that’s why some of us end up on the receiving end of cruelty and neglect. Like being a sexual being means we deserve less 🤷🏾‍♀️ and then of course when you race on top of it 😭

[De****]

13 minutes ago, NexumSange said:

Well.... Racism and absolutely Sexism, right? I didn't want to plop that out on the table, craving a lengthier discussion but I agree. A few isms there, IMHO and I think it imperative we hold these types of discussions....

100% to a longer and deeper discussion and I’m glad you stumbled across my post. To be honest it was sat in moderation for most of the day so I didn’t think it would get published…

[De****]

2 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

As a white person, I’m not often directly affected but I have noticed a lot of my not white friends are fetishised just for the colour of their skin. So it isn’t just you, it happens. I’m trying not to say that it shouldn’t, because a fetish communicated openly and honestly between 2 consenting adults is valid, but this is one that doesn’t sit right with me.

No…it’s definitely deeper than just two people exploring their kinkier side. Thank you for reading

[Go****]

I'm glad that you have raised such a thought provoking topic, I too have experienced this, white often comes into inbox making the assumption that my intention is to only dominate, using words such as 'strong', 'powerful', 'exotic' commenting on my skin tone and repeatedly speaking of their desire for black women framing it as a compliment, it is not.

[De****]

19 minutes ago, Goddes_Fifi said:

I'm glad that you have raised such a thought provoking topic, I too have experienced this, white often comes into inbox making the assumption that my intention is to only dominate, using words such as 'strong', 'powerful', 'exotic' commenting on my skin tone and repeatedly speaking of their desire for black women framing it as a compliment, it is not.

It really isn’t and lm sorry about the experiences you have had on here. Being Black, kinky and a woman is 😭. As a submissive it’s hard to find doms who can separate the stereotype of Black women from who we actually are as people. Like the fact I’m submissive (and sometimes a domme) blows peoples mind. And even as a domme the think I’m some evil woman that likes to *** men - I’m like where the fuck did you get that from 😳

[ChocolateRopeBunny]

I think it comes down to we're not seen as feminine in general. Outside of kink to the general public we're not seen as soft or needing protection. And that's because we're 90-95% in alert mode all the time. Always have our guard up. Even those who should innately want to protect, the DDs, come in to inboxes aggressively with how they want to spank and that's not even what it's about.

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, dartford848358 said:

No…it’s definitely deeper than just two people exploring their kinkier side. Thank you for reading

Ah, I’m sorry I think I wasn’t clear. In my circles fetishism is different to kink. I know many of my non white male friends are fetishised by (mostly) white women (but not by all white women) for what is assumed to be in their pants as well as for the “tabooness” of “being screwed by a black man”. Actually, now I’ve written it like that, I know exactly why I’m not okay with it. It really is just racism hiding behind a more acceptable name. Sorry, I’m quite bad at explaining myself sometimes

[De****]

2 minutes ago, ChocolateRopeBunny said:

I think it comes down to we're not seen as feminine in general. Outside of kink to the general public we're not seen as soft or needing protection. And that's because we're 90-95% in alert mode all the time. Always have our guard up. Even those who should innately want to protect, the DDs, come in to inboxes aggressively with how they want to spank and that's not even what it's about.

Yess “we are not seen as soft or needing protection” - that’s it right there. Aggressive in approach and actually then dismissive of after care along with the “you’re such a strong person, that’s why l was attracted to you so l didn’t think you would need it…” 😏

[De****]

2 minutes ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

Ah, I’m sorry I think I wasn’t clear. In my circles fetishism is different to kink. I know many of my non white male friends are fetishised by (mostly) white women (but not by all white women) for what is assumed to be in their pants as well as for the “tabooness” of “being screwed by a black man”. Actually, now I’ve written it like that, I know exactly why I’m not okay with it. It really is just racism hiding behind a more acceptable name. Sorry, I’m quite bad at explaining myself sometimes

It’s okay, I was agreeing with you lool and I knew what you meant. Thank you

[Go****]

51 minutes ago, dartford848358 said:

It really isn’t and lm sorry about the experiences you have had on here. Being Black, kinky and a woman is 😭. As a submissive it’s hard to find doms who can separate the stereotype of Black women from who we actually are as people. Like the fact I’m submissive (and sometimes a domme) blows peoples mind. And even as a domme the think I’m some evil woman that likes to *** men - I’m like where the fuck did you get that from 😳

Absolutely, I'm a Switch, they often seek me out because they after ***, *** and race play and make the assumption that I want a 'slave', I'm more a pleasure seeking sensual as Domme and often see me as a hypersexual toy that needs *** as a Sub when in fact I'm an extremely obedient Little that is more attracted to the gentle, respectful nurturing types.

[Go****]

46 minutes ago, ChocolateRopeBunny said:

I think it comes down to we're not seen as feminine in general. Outside of kink to the general public we're not seen as soft or needing protection. And that's because we're 90-95% in alert mode all the time. Always have our guard up. Even those who should innately want to protect, the DDs, come in to inboxes aggressively with how they want to spank and that's not even what it's about.

Bingo! You hit the nail on the head.

[El****]

Appreciate you starting the discussion. I imagine it took bravery.

Probably no one deserves care, protection, empathy, awe and appreciation more than BW. It sucks to know you are experiencing the opposite.

I am a WW and am def drawn to POC in general, and also sexually. It feels like appreciation of Black Excellence in every sense, but I’ll give more thought to your comments and how I show up in my interactions which are mostly with men.

[Th****]

As others have said already it essentially boils down to racism and with you also being a woman there's likely some Madonna/whore complex issues going on as well. Objectifying and dehumanizing without consent. 

I feel like you're being generous with your thoughts in your op. 

Edited October 26, 2025 by ThaliaV

[De****]

6 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

As others have said already it essentially boils down to racism and with you also being a woman there's likely some Madonna/whore complex issues going on as well. Objectifying and dehumanizing without consent. 

I feel like you're being generous with your thoughts in your op. 

Generous is probably fair, although l think it’s because l haven’t got a long list of experience to draw from but my instinct with the interactions, conversations and experiences I’ve had was telling me a pattern was emerging. And as a neurospicy person, one thing I’m going to notice is a pattern!

[Ma****]

Interesting read. So far over the years i feel that I have been lucky enough to generally meet great people in the scene.

With regards to black women funny thing is that i have a good friend that has now left the uk. She’s a lovely black American woman, she had a similar issue. She met a guy on the kink scene , they even moved in together and she was his Mistress. One day she called me and said she doesn’t really exist to him. At first I didn’t understand it but she said it’s like she is there just for his needs and nothing else and she does not matter. I still feel this is why she left the uk. I also have another lovely friend on the scene who I took to S*** with. Bear in mind we were just play partners and she was my sub. At night we were on the beach and she was in my arms and she said this is what she now knows she needs. She said I treated her like she existed and she felt loved. I said yeah I do love you. She then went on to tell me about her experiences which I was honoured that she shared it with me.

So those are the only two ladies I know that have ever opened up about such to me.

Interesting feed and thanks for sharing .

[Wo****]

This is all somewhat questionable, but it speaks on a very interesting point. I think part of apps like these are to be able to explore the things we repress on a daily basis. To say and do the things we fantasize about, with people who fantasize about them too.

Having slept with women of all different size and colors, and been in multiple different forms of relationships, it’s easier to let out all of the sexual fantasieswe’ve been bottling up on a day to day basis, then to be *** to someone, and to know that your safety is well confined and protected between the two of you. There’s a lot of room for error, within feeling safe, I think it’s easier to feel “horny”.

I definitely agree it sounds like a lot of these people were racist. I personally would love a beautiful black woman to hold a space of care and kindness for me that makes me feel comfortable and melt away in bliss. Regardless of color, I think with the right attention to detail and the right setting, it’s pretty alluring to go into a space that feels safe and without stress.

[Ro****]

I think part of what you are referring to reverberates the feeling as if you are just a kink dispenser. Not to downplay any other societal issues that may or may not be involved. I am white, i date across races with compatibility and common mindset as the goal. I've experienced being the dispenser across different ethnicities, but patterns with white men are definitely more obvious and more frequent