Ghosting / Non Response

[Daddy4You01]

There is an unfair power play dynamic on online dating apps that is definitely a thing. A woman no matter how unattractive gets several messages a day. Far more attention than she would actually get in a real life setting. And can choose to be unreasonably picky. For a man, he has to be wealthy (and wiling to flex that) or unusually good looking to get any appreciable amount of attention. For women this attention is often propped up by highly edited catfish style photos and/or nudes and a complete lack of typical sexual selection standards. I have found that many on this site just use it to phish for attention an have no intention of developing an in person relationship or meetup.

[Th****]

As a woman, we get a LOT of messages. I am very clear in my profile im not looking for a sub, but 80-90% of the messages I get are from submissive men. If people don't respect my preference and message anyway, it's hard to want to reply. And when I have in the past I get unpleasant messages back. Also just a "heyyyyy" shows no effort at all.

[ed****]

Yes, being ghosted sucks, but sometimes it's also self induced. This app is full of bits, so a message of "hey" gets little enough response from me - I can just imagine how tedious it gets for a female on this app when they are getting dozens of the same message daily.
.
If someone has taken the time to send a message that shows they actually read my profile, then I will also take the time to respond. If their message is the same as the ones from bots, I'm more apt to simply delete the message and not even bother to click "No Thanks" because I assume they are not real.
.
The same applies in reverse. If I message someone with a "hi", I shouldn't be upset that they don't reply.

[ra****]

I think on an app like this where you don’t have to match with someone to message them, you are absolutely not entitled to any response. It’s one thing if there’s an expression of mutual interest. But if you’re just messaging random person or sending the classic “hey sexy/beautiful/sweetheart/etc…” text, why should they have to respond? The lack of response IS a “no thank you” take it and move along. If someone catcalls you on the street you just keep walking, you don’t take the time to say no thanks.

[MK****]

95% of my messages go unanswered 🤦‍♂️

[Ta****]

I don't owe shit to any stranger messaging me. Like I dodge strange men's eyecontact and other forms of trying to flirt with me when I'm not interested. It's the best approach because even a "No, thank you" leads to questions "why not?", them trying harder, or getting vile and degoratory. More often than just accepting the fact I'm not interested. So I don't bother

[El****]

Ghosting would presume there was an ongoing communication and yes, no thank you would be nice, but not responding to a first message is not ghosting. It sucks but I am not owed a response if I slide in. You just deal with it.

[li****]

You are not entitled to anyone's attention, just like they are not entitled to yours.

[theSir_ObservingU]

This is not a real issue. Have you thought about it from their point of view. Receiving hundreds of messages and being overwhelmed. Your expectations are yours to deal with. You have to get used to rejection it’s normal here.

[El****]

Nature of the game.
That’s just the reality of the situation.
These sites are not only 100/1 male to female ratio they are also filled with posers that aren’t really in the life and just looking for a quick fuck.
So naturally women in this space are extremely selective and have their guard up.

Which they are 100% correct to do so.

[Ar****]

4 hours ago, ChefNOLA420 said:

What’s everyone’s thoughts on this?

A lot of my thoughts have already been shared by others in this thread (and predictably the ones whose thoughts would appear opposed to mine seem to be male voices largely without fail). 

 

4 hours ago, ChefNOLA420 said:

Someone took the time to like you. Sent you a message. And got ignored for it like non existence.

The thing is, this is already a false presumption. Sure you might message because you like somebody, but a lot of people here are messaging purely because they are taking chances with a sc@ttergun approach in the hopes of getting their private parts wet. They don't read profiles, they don't check compatibility, they throw icebreaker messages at every member possible then repeatedly copy-paste the same messages under photographs when their icebreakers run out, and they have no genuine interest in the person they are trying it on with.

Even if somebody is genuine and not one of these people, it is arrogant and presumptuous to expect a reply. This topic has already been done to death in the forums and I'm sure you could have a look to find many explanations as to why it's an entitled attitude (as well as why it can be unsafe to reply to everyone and a myriad of other reasons) as well as arguments to support your position if that's really what you want - although I would suggest that listening to the people who don't always reply, particularly the women, will help you out far more than paying attention to the guys who don't listen to them.

 

4 hours ago, ChefNOLA420 said:

Some people are just about themselves.

This is true, and I would agree that you are right to encourage new members and other people new to the community. Not everybody will try to push themselves onto you, conversely a healthy person who respects boundaries will never do that so please don't give up and take such red flags for what they are.

 

Safe people will always respect your space without getting negative - angry, bitter, complaining, violent etc - about not receiving your attention. 

[4l****]

I wouldn’t say it’s ghosting if there was no conversation to begin with.. I was just deleting messages because as a woman they can be overwhelming with the amount. I did find the easier way to politely say no is to send the auto message through the chat. But if I get a hey, or the convo starts with I’m a Dom whether it be daddy or pleasure I tend to not reply.. But maybe more people should use the auto feature as it not only politely bows out but hides the message so it stops the convo.

[Li****]

Oh, How dare females not answer u wen most men on here r bdsm tourists. dudes who seen 50 shades of grey n decided they kno how to b a dom when really, their jst an an abusive asshole. Then theirs the ppl who get *** wen u do reply that ur not interested. Wont take no for an answer. Ive had someone track down my address over a simple "no". Psa, guess wut, idk if u realized this but ur dick aint gods gift to the wrld. I have it clearly stated im lesbian in my profile but still get bumbarded with the dumbest pickup lines or a dick pic. If men cant give me the respect of reading my profile, or do read it but dont care, honestly, wuts ur thought process behind thinking ur entitled to an answer. No answer is a completely acceptable answer. Nd like it or not, ur nothing special on here

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Daddy4You01 said:

There is an unfair power play dynamic on online dating apps that is definitely a thing. A woman no matter how unattractive gets several messages a day. Far more attention than she would actually get in a real life setting.

Yes. This is unfair, but not for the reasons you quite specify.

That yes, it can be overwhelming for women. Whether they have a profile pic, or not. Whether they have a filled out profile, or not.  Whether they are deemed "attractive" or not.

This is not something men have to contend with.

I mean, on the flip, a guy getting a message from someone that they can see isn't a grift is far more likely to be someone somewhat interested - rather than someone chancing luck (mind, my initial reaction is often "they're being nice") so by and large that is an easier time from that perspective.

1 hour ago, Daddy4You01 said:

For a man, he has to be wealthy (and wiling to flex that) or unusually good looking to get any appreciable amount of attention.

I mean, I kinda call BS on this.  I mean, I'm neither. And I would say I'm content with attention.  More would never hurt. Ha.  

But like the thing with this means of thinking is it creates an excuse.  The actual brutal truth is even in doing 'everything right' - dating is difficult, meeting compatible people is difficult, so on.  There is no magical formula.  But it's sometimes "easier" to be like "It's not me, it's the system" - but then like claiming women are rude, shallow, greedy, etc. just breeds bitterness and resentment - and this is something you genuinely believe, then time is best spent in spaces where women are not these things.  There's a saying the only way to win the game is to not play in the first place,  and focus efforts in spaces which improve their chances. 

[Deleted Member]

Being ghosted by someone you have an ongoing relationship with after months or years is heartbreaking. Comparing that to not getting a reply from a stranger on a kink site is hyperbolic nonsense.

[Bi****]

She wrote me

[Su****]

I always look at the distance and age. Then I'll go look at a profile and read it. If there is too much information missing I usually will not message back. If there is the information I will see what if anything we have in common. Sometimes I will respond with toy are too far away or I appreciate your interest, however I don't think we will have much in common. Some are like oh okay I understand. Some are like why. Then there's my favorite of why even respond. So as a woman we can't win either. Or the ghosting.. we have chatted for weeks then all of a sudden nothing. 2 months later you get hey what's up. So now maybe you can understand why you don't always get a message back.

[Mi****]

Do you even know the sheer volume of messages that women get on these apps? It can be hundreds a day. Thousands.

Did yours stand out? Was it clever? Did it relate to their profile? Or was it boring? Was it offensive? Did suggest things they weren’t even interested in?

Sometimes it doesn’t even have anything to do with the content of your message. Brace for it, but sometimes they just aren’t interested in YOU.

Why do you think anyone owes you a response anyway? Maybe it’s your attitude thinking some random stranger online owes you anything. They don’t. Get over it.

[FE****]

32 minutes ago, BigOne206 said:

She wrote me

As this is your first forum post, I'll give a little leeway, but please try and answer the original Poster's (OP) Question/Topic.  Your random declaration has no context.  What is your point?

[4R****]

There is a huge difference between not receiving a response to an unsolicited message (which is what you’ve described OP) and being “ghosted”. 

Ghosting is when someone suddenly cuts off all communication with another person, without explanation, after a period of contact or relationship. This also involves ignoring messages, calls, or attempts to reach out.

Example:
Alex and Taylor went on several dates and texted every day. Then, one day, Taylor stopped replying to Alex’s messages and never responded again, no explanation, no goodbye. Alex could see the messages were delivered and read but went without a response. Alex was “ghosted” by Taylor.

Sometimes, people use ghosting to play mind games to test the other person or to exert some level of control over them (yes it’s a thing).

I have a personal boundary regarding this that I call “the rule of three”. Three separate attempts to make contact, each on a different day, gradually more spaced out. So could be Monday, then Friday and then the following Thursday for example. After that, I will never attempt to contact them again.

In addition, after the second attempt of making contact, I will not respond to any messages from them that doesn’t contain a full explanation of their disappearance along with an apology. 

[Co****]

This topic has come up many times and I’ll reiterate:
NO ONE OWES ANYONE CONVERSATION !

“Ghosting” is suddenly and without explanation cutting of communication with someone.
If you haven’t started a communication you are not ghosting!

Does the OP really expect people to engage with everyone random person who messages them ?
Consider that messages may be inappropriate,harassing, begging or just downright banal.
When you respond even in the negative, you start an engagement with that person that you never wanted.

IMO having an expectation to receive a reply fits in the “ Some people are just about themselves” category.

The anonymous nature of this online world is people are cautious and yes picky.

[Bo****]

I personally would prefer to be told why they have lost interest in me. Ghosting doesn't tell a person what went wrong or if its a fixable problem.

[ha****]

This happens to me all the time a little message to say sorry not interested or thanks for the message goes a long way

[ey****]

14 minutes ago, Boooall said:

I personally would prefer to be told why they have lost interest in me. Ghosting doesn't tell a person what went wrong or if its a fixable problem.

this kinda stuff often sucks.  But this also then becomes something where you have to learn to live without closure

one issue often is that a guy might think something is going well, the other person less so.  Particularly if they feel they are carrying a conversation or are stuck in small talk hell (Hey. How are you? How was your day? repeat indefinitely) 

 

Sometimes. Re-read your last message, the one stuck on read.   Was it conversational?  Did it lead anywhere?  Was it the type of thing she'd come back to but was less inspired?  It's ok sometimes to try to reignite with a follow up, but again same rules apply - don't just be "hey how are you?" after a week or so, even if you can include that - give something which gives some form of conversation 

[so****]

I love that the majority of the responses here are men agreeing with you, but the explanations from people that explain why this happens are also shockingly pretty much ignored...No one owes you an answer to a message. That isn't ghosting, that's an unrealistic expectation at best. The number of off topic, over all incompatible people, lack of effort, inappropriate, downright offensive, or just lazy messages that we get is overwhelming. I actually ENJOY the feature that tells me how many messages I get versus respond to. I am incredibly kind and empathetic as a human and never actively try to hurt people's feelings or be unnecessarily rude. But my profile is very clear and my expectations are also very high.
Adjust your expectations and evaluate the quality and effort you're putting into your messaging. Most women, especially, know exactly why they're here and having THEIR time wasted isn't any more fair. Normally I would say you're entitled to your feelings but this really isn't the case. You have unrealistic expectations from people who owe you nothing.