Ghosting is sometimes O.K.

[Ta****]

In the subject of ghosting.  I know this topic has been covered before but I felt the need to re-visit it, partly because I have been ghosted, and partly because I have ghosted a few others.

It is generally accepted that ghosting is a no-no for the majority of people, but I beg to differ from the majority.

Ghosting is not always unacceptable, depending on the circumstances 

For example there may be situations where it is perfectly alright, and i recognise that it can be a useful tool in one's armour, particularly when it comes to women needing to ghost some men.

The point I am trying to make is, that just because you embark on a conversation with someone, that does not mean that we are forever after obliged to carry on talking to them.  I personally do not take offence if somebody ghost's me.  In fact they have a right to do so.

Of course once we get to know someone well enough, or even go out of our way to meet them, then as far as I am concerned ghosting them (that is, just deciding to ignore them for no apparent reason) is pretty bad form, and something I would never do.  In short, it is not only plain bad manners, it is utterly insensitive.

But are we obligated to carry on a conversation with someone we have never met, or have only been talking to for a couple of days?

My answer is no!   Neither they....nor I.....have any obligation to carry on any conversation, nor even to say goodbye.    It is entirely their choice!.  With no real rapport or closeness having been developed, there is nothing lost either side.

And of course ghosting can become a good weapon in a woman's armoury.  There are a lot of persistent men out there, some of whom seem to think that the moment I start chatting with them, that means I must want a relationship with them and therefore I am obliged to carry on the conversation!

And of course I have no qualms about ghosting someone who is just plain ignorant and rude.  

Sometimes a little rudeness is deserved and can serve as a better tool than the block button.

I would welcome any thoughts on this please....!

[Deleted Member]

If someone is nasty or spiteful then yes of course it's a right we all should use if we feel we need to. Same as blocking, its a tool that should be used should you wish. We owe nothing to anyone unless otherwise agreed.

[Nylon-Nellie]

I've been on both sides, been ghosted and also have ghosted others. For me, when I've ghosted others, the conversation has fizzled out, no point in partaking in the conversation, as nothing will come of it.

I've been ghosted in past. Got on really well, talk of meets, then just hit a brick wall with them. No reason had been given. Would of been nice for a reason, but much easier to ignore me than have a reason from them.

Ghosting is hit and miss, but depends on the situation. What you have said, resonates with me @TammyNatalia

[Al****]

Although I understand what you are saying, I don’t necessarily agree. First of all let me say that I have never received any abusive or derogatory messages that I believe ladies on this site have been subjected to, and would like to say I don’t condone that behaviour from any man on here whatsoever . We are all here looking for something and I think that when you strike up a conversation with somebody over a few days or so you can’t help but start to build up hope. I feel that through common decency you should let the other person know if you are no longer interested. If after that the other person persists then you have every right to ghost them. Purely my personal feelings only.

[Deleted Member]

I've been in both situations and not really bothered by it anymore , I just see it as your loss not mine. To many people think they are going to find that someone instantly and do move on too fast. I'm not advocating for any harassment or abusive behavior. And yeah Guy's have some poor opening statements sometimes, I have had a few so I do know, and I am a guy... More effort needs to be made on all sides is what I would hope for. I would have thought everyone being locked down and disconnected from everyone else for so long, would have made them re evaluate life want to talk and connect....or maybe that's just me

[Carnelian2]

There are cases where a conversation fizzles out, and I don't think anyone would think lesser of the other when that happens. I have had several, and either the other person or myself stops the conversation. That is ok.
I do think if the other person comes back and politely asks what happened, then the polite thing would be to simply explain why and let it rest.

I have had good friends all of a sudden stopping to respond to messages, but then when questioning them, I was also told that they simply had a lot of personal things going on, so we should understand that we all have different coping mechanisms. Some just shuts themselves off from the World, and what we can do in that case is to be patient and be there for them. The current World-situation does not help with this. Anxiety can show itself in many ways.

The cases where a conversation has become serious, talk of meets etc. where the other just stops it is not really acceptable. The least the person at the other end deserves is an explanation, even if it is because of sudden anxiety or nervousness or other.
Honesty is always the best long-term strategy, I find - even if it is difficult.

[Ki****]

1 hour ago, Al004 said:

Although I understand what you are saying, I don’t necessarily agree. First of all let me say that I have never received any abusive or derogatory messages that I believe ladies on this site have been subjected to, and would like to say I don’t condone that behaviour from any man on here whatsoever . We are all here looking for something and I think that when you strike up a conversation with somebody over a few days or so you can’t help but start to build up hope. I feel that through common decency you should let the other person know if you are no longer interested. If after that the other person persists then you have every right to ghost them. Purely my personal feelings only.

I ghosted a guy who said he was fantasising about breaking into my house and forcing me to have sex with him because “I’m a filthy slut and I’d love it”. Ghosting is necessary in some circumstances and he didn’t deserve a response to that even though we’d been chatting for over a week. I think until you’ve been on the end of *** like that it’s difficult to understand that women have to put their well-being first at all times and not worry about how they make someone else feel. If someone crosses the line on what’s acceptable my view is ghost away... but I do agree that if that line hasn’t been crossed then common decency should prevail!

[Ar****]

I'm very much inclined to agree with you @TammyNatalia - I would even ask the question, is it really ghosting if it is just a bit of an exchange over a couple of days where one side decides it isn't for them?

 

If I have exchanged a few messages with somebody then don't receive a reply, I don't consider myself ghosted. I only tend to consider myself ghosted when specific plans to talk/message again have been made then cast aside, when I feel a connection and friendship has been built up over a period of time (and even then, it would have to be a deep one), when somebody implies a level of care and/or interest beyond the basic "getting to know you" and after which I feel they would not feel comfortable cutting contact if we were real life acquaintances.

 

In two decades or so of using internet communities and dating I have never actively ghosted anybody; the closest I came was a girl a few years ago with whom I was messaging where I realised I wasn't interested in anything, even friendship with her (I think I found her a bit on the intense side even for me 😂). I still replied to every message she sent though, and kept things polite. I simply stopped messaging her first, demonstrated a waning of interest until at some point I stopped hearing from her. Of course, this is not a feasible approach for most women, and I would never suggest doing the same to every guy in your inbox that you aren't interested in 🙈

 

This discussion has made me wonder though... I have made some close friends here and elsewhere, but I have also made what I would term "less close" friends whom I have nevertheless had lengthy conversations with and kept in touch with sporadically over the months. I am sometimes very poor at keeping in touch with people (a lot of it is due to health issues), and I'm now considering whether some of these whom I haven't been in touch with for a while might consider themselves "ghosted"? I do hope not.

 

Anyway, I'm with you. Until you get to know somebody well, discontinuing a conversation with somebody is very much your right.

[ey****]

I sometimes feel a little bit that the term 'ghosting' has kinda slid in it's meaning over years.

So from what went from actually have met up and done stuff with contact then suddenly gone, to plans of meeting up then suddenly a drop in contact to... well... "she stopped replying my messages"

But yeah, I think it's an out, for sure - because you can no longer be interested for whatever reason. 

[Deleted Member]

Your life, your choice.

[Al****]

I’m sorry I haven’t worked out how to quote somebody yet but Kinky_Kat, I am so sorry to hear of your experience and your post has immediately altered my way of thinking. Nobody should have to deal with that sort of threat and I fully understand why you would ghost somebody. Please excuse my naivety

[Mo****]

From my perspective, I class ghosting as straight out bad manners.  I have read where some have tried to justify the action, and to me, you people need to have a good think.  I DON'T go along with the idea that if you are copping *** from someone that you should have to put up with it, or accept that type of treatment, and so YOU should just send the culprit a message saying your not happy and that your going to employ the block button.  The only thing I would say to this is that you ensure they have read your message first.

 

In this life we say we should get to know the prospective other person to ensure there is a connection, and through this process we should employ honest and open communication.  Well it takes time to get to know people, it doesn't come from a chat over three days.  In this day because of the fakes and scammers, a person can want to take things slowly in letting out too much information.  And I will add another aspect to this get to know process.   It involves vast distances.

 

I have met some people on here that I would like to find out more about, because for me to have a relationship with those people it would either mean me relocating, or having them relocate, and that is a huge step.  So your not going to commit to that without being sure that there is a chance of a successful relationship developing.  Just because I don't message them every day does not mean I am losing interest.  I have work commitments and general life constraints, and on top of that I have time zones to combat.  Oh yeah, and fatigue.

Do you ring/chat/message your friends every single day?  No, not unless you have the *** of missing out on something, you understand that they just must be busy.  You don't get all wound up with why, but you will ask them why the next time you speak.  So coming back to the ghosting situation - just because there are not messages coming through with interesting information, or that messages can have a sparse phase, it doesn't mean your being ghosted, and if there is a huge step involved such as relocation then there is far more to ponder before taking that step.  Learning about others can be a slow process.

 

[Ta****]

1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

I'm very much inclined to agree with you @TammyNatalia - I would even ask the question, is it really ghosting if it is just a bit of an exchange over a couple of days where one side decides it isn't for them?

Anyway, I'm with you. Until you get to know somebody well, discontinuing a conversation with somebody is very much your right.

I agree with you and that is my whole point.  It is too easy on the internet to get into conversation with someone...and it should be just as easy to end it without having to provide an excuse 

It is different though if some connection or friendship has been formed.  In that scenario I would certainly have the decency to tell someone if I no longer wished to chat with them.

 

Edited September 30, 2020 by TammyNatalia
Change of words needed..

[Ta****]

1 hour ago, Kinky_kat said:

...I think until you’ve been on the end of *** like that it’s difficult to understand that women have to put their well-being first at all times and not worry about how they make someone else feel. If someone crosses the line on what’s acceptable my view is ghost away... 

I can agree with this statement.  This is particularly the case with women....Your safety and peace of mind comes before any manners!

[Ar****]

33 minutes ago, MossyBoy said:

I DON'T go along with the idea that if you are copping *** from someone that you should have to put up with it, or accept that type of treatment, and so YOU should just send the culprit a message saying your not happy and that your going to employ the block button.  The only thing I would say to this is that you ensure they have read your message first.

Absolute poppycock.

 

You're a regular in these forums. Even without having personally been on the end of some of the sorts of messages some people (typically, but granted not always, women) receive, or having female friends share their stories with you, you must have seen countless times the vile and unacceptable way people get spoken to sometimes? There is already an excellent example in this very thread.

 

Without even considering the implications of potential triggers or harassing behaviour, there is NO circumstance in which the recipient of poor behaviour - someone who as you put it is "copping ***" - owes an ***r any kind of explanation for protecting themselves, let alone should sit around giving them more of their time whilst anxieties build and they keep watch for a message to be read. 

[Ta****]

6 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Without even considering the implications of potential triggers or harassing behaviour, there is NO circumstance in which the recipient of poor behaviour - someone who as you put it is "copping ***" - owes an ***r any kind of explanation for protecting themselves, let alone should sit around giving them more of their time whilst anxieties build and they keep watch for a message to be read. 

Often, the best response is no response! 

[Mo****]

@Aranhis mate I don't see all the vile crap that others cop, I don't have access to their message accounts, but I do hear about some of it, and NO, I agree that they shouldn't have to put up with it.  I don't think there is anyone in this thread discussion who has had anything but manners from me towards them.  I DON'T agree that ghosting increases safety and security!  And I don't say that you have to sit there and wait for the culprit to read the message saying they have overstepped the mark and are going to be blocked.

Why I said this about the message is that some of these people are NOT what you would call 'sane' as we know it, and to just be 'cut off' might aggravate their irrational thinking.  

 

If someone wants to increase their safety or security, they should be mindful of what information they let out in the first place.  Ghosting doesn't prevent some arsehole from using that personal information gained in chatting and carrying out a threat of physical *** or treatment.  If anyone does think this then they are placing themselves in a pretend environment.  Ignorance is not a suit of armour.

I do NOT condone ANY of the actions by supposed dominants who do not treat others with respect.

My friends and those that I chat with regularly do NOT go into detail with me about the shit that they cop.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Absolute poppycock.

 

You're a regular in these forums. Even without having personally been on the end of some of the sorts of messages some people (typically, but granted not always, women) receive, or having female friends share their stories with you, you must have seen countless times the vile and unacceptable way people get spoken to sometimes? There is already an excellent example in this very thread.

 

Without even considering the implications of potential triggers or harassing behaviour, there is NO circumstance in which the recipient of poor behaviour - someone who as you put it is "copping ***" - owes an ***r any kind of explanation for protecting themselves, let alone should sit around giving them more of their time whilst anxieties build and they keep watch for a message to be read. 

I have to agree, if one is abusive or rude then one is owed nothing, no explanation and maybe some ghosting would make that fool think a little next time round. Your rude or spiteful you lose any rights to the standard way we communicate and deserve no explanation of any kind

[Deleted Member]

Aren’t we talking about several different things? Ghosting is not the same as a conversation fizzling out. If a conversation isn’t going anywhere online or IRL then I would do as @Aranhis mentions - my responses would slow down etc. If the man questions that, I don’t have a problem saying “this isn’t working for me”. If he gets abusive he gets blocked. I have come to see the value these days of telling some men (judgment call) why their words are inappropriate/offensive/abusive. Schooling them 😬. If I can be arsed/if I think it might check their thinking. 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s never acceptable to truly ghost someone. When you’ve met, made plans to meet, made a significant connection over a period of time. If someone ghosts then - I would consider them a coward, an arsehole and clearly not worthy of me. Ghosting hurts.
Seems to me the common thread is boundaries and communication. Most people have a decent grasp of both.

[Deleted Member]

This is why I don’t participate in forum anymore. The topic shift to a different one and the op lose its value.
The term ghosting is mistaken here with commun communication sudden break up.
Ghosting is when you have a connection with someone and you Might already agreed in some sort of agreements. So no, it’s not acceptable even if you don’t own anything to anyone. Some do it for fun or get a kick out of it. Playing with someone emotions, wasting time and sometime ***( hotel booked, traveling) is not an appropriate attitude. We are adult no?

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

This is why I don’t participate in forum anymore. The topic shift to a different one and the op lose its value.
The term ghosting is mistaken here with commun communication sudden break up.
Ghosting is when you have a connection with someone and you Might already agreed in some sort of agreements. So no, it’s not acceptable even if you don’t own anything to anyone. Some do it for fun or get a kick out of it. Playing with someone emotions, wasting time and sometime ***( hotel booked, traveling) is not an appropriate attitude. We are adult no?

To be fair the mods do try to keep discussion on point. I’ve seen that happen this week after one was derailed. But I do agree with you although sometimes it’s interesting to see where things go. Perspectives I may not have considered.

[Deleted Member]

33 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

sometimes it’s interesting to see where things go. Perspectives I may not have considered.

Yes I am also flexible, but when it’s that interesting then start a new topic. Seems like lack of them... 

best regards  

[Ta****]

1 hour ago, FabSeverus said:

This is why I don’t participate in forum anymore. The topic shift to a different one and the op lose its value.
The term ghosting is mistaken here with commun communication sudden break up.
Ghosting is when you have a connection with someone and you Might already agreed in some sort of agreements. So no, it’s not acceptable even if you don’t own anything to anyone. Some do it for fun or get a kick out of it. Playing with someone emotions, wasting time and sometime ***( hotel booked, traveling) is not an appropriate attitude. We are adult no?

What you have just said ...I would never do that with anyone!  

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, TammyNatalia said:

What you have just said ...I would never do that with anyone!  

But that is ghosting. The point Fab and I were trying to make.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Yes I am also flexible, but when it’s that interesting then start a new topic. Seems like lack of them... 

best regards  

You could always start one, Fab 😀. I feel like I do enough gabbing right now to be starting more threads.