Ghosting / Non Response

[ge****]

17 minutes ago, DJWolfDaddy said:

Stuart 84 being respectful and being kind to someone goes a long way because as I said before and I believe that I've been in this lifestyle a lot longer that it does show positively towards yourself when you can show respect and just be kind enough to say yes or no and then move on.

But why should they? They didn't ask you to message them - much like you didn't ask the pizza place to send you a flyer which you wouldn't respond to unless you wanted pizza - are you being disrespectful or unkind by not thanking them for their flier? Of course you're not - this is no different at all.

[St****]

DJWolfDaddy - no one is suggesting otherwise. But simply not responding to a speculative online message from a random stranger is most certainly NOT an act of disrespect or cruelty.

If two people are communicating for a while, then one of them suddenly stops replying (i.e. actual ghosting) then yes, that’s rude. If this was an app where both people had to ‘like’ each other before they could chat (rather than everyone being allowed to message everyone) then a non-response would be pretty rude. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

It’s all too easy for us, as men, to dwell upon our disappointment or frustration when a woman we like hasn’t replied. But it’s not so easy to stop and consider things from their point of view. I’ve been shown first hand the inboxes of a few women that I’ve met from these apps - the amount of messages they receive (often dozens, even hundreds a day), and the obscene nature of many of them, would blow your mind. It’s a completely different experience for them on here.

So, as I asked in my previous post - if you were in that position, can you honestly say that you’d take the time to read through and respond to every last one of them? Knowing full well that many of them will be disgusting or demeaning, and that some of them won’t just accept that rejection gracefully…? Somehow I doubt it.

[Sa****]

It seems like there is two different philosphies here. One side of acknowledgement and humanism another side of a message not being owed and reinforcing personal liberties to not reply. I'm sure there is a middle ground of a thoughtful, respectful message ought to have a reply and a low-effort, offensive, or threatening message ought to be ignored. Just because I tend to give the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean other feel the same. I will reply to a well-meaning message always. I do not expect the same from others even though, personally I think they should. It has nothing to do with entitlement, but rather a belief in a kinder society of it's own volition. If I see someone drowning I will help, but I do not expect those who can't swim to risk their lives to help. Whether they reply or not says nothing about you and your worth. They may just not be in a place in their lives to reply.

[Sw****]

If I check the profile and it doesn't pass the vibe check and the message doesn't also I'm more likely than not to NOT respond. My time and responses are valuable and you can't respect that in your first msg to me you don't deserve a one back from me. Definitely not getting one back if you didn't read my bio and sent a msg w\o checking.

[re****]

Don’t be so needy. Sometimes they don’t respond to avoid hurting your feelings.

[ra****]

1 hour ago, DJWolfDaddy said:

Stuart 84 being respectful and being kind to someone goes a long way because as I said before and I believe that I've been in this lifestyle a lot longer that it does show positively towards yourself when you can show respect and just be kind enough to say yes or no and then move on.

Being respectful doesn’t mean that you have to respond to or even open messages from everyone who sends one.
I did this for a long time (in a local Facebook group for singles), and not only was it exhausting, dealing with the responses from some men who don’t take even the kindest rejection well or they persist, which I can chalk up, in part at least, to the stereotype that women like when a man applies pressure or pursues her.

I’m sure most women’s inboxes are similar to mine, and a lot of them are probably much busier. It’s so incredibly easy to miss a message or start a conversation with someone that was fine, but hadn’t gotten to the point where you thought it was going to go anywhere.

I’m not saying it’s the best strategy, but it’s fairly reasonable way, in my mind to find a balance. I don’t open every message I receive because I would rather someone assume I didn’t see it than leave them on read wondering if they said or did something wrong.
The chances are more likely that I got distracted with mom stuff than they are that I found someone I’d rather be talking to instead 😂

At the end of the day, when you realize that you have zero control over how or even if a person responds and that we all have lives and things that have to take priority over responding to messages on here, or anywhere, it doesn’t feel so much like rejection or leave you wondering if they just found someone they had more in common with or was more motivated to invest time in. It’s rarely personal, and while it’s always nice to get a response, even if it’s the one you weren’t hoping for, you have to give other people some grace when you don’t know what they have on their plate IRL.

[TeeseMonet]

2 hours ago, Stuart-84 said:

A lot of people have said this already, but I really don’t think it can be overstated - NO ONE OWES YOU A RESPONSE.

To expect otherwise not only sets yourself up for disappointment but is also an alarmingly entitled attitude, one which has the potential to fester and lead to far more toxic beliefs.

Yes, it can be disheartening when someone you like doesn’t reply. But that’s part and parcel of online dating. You need to make peace with this.

And you could also do with seeing for yourself the sheer volume of messages that women on these apps tend to receive - a huge percentage of which are abusive, repulsive or just plain unimaginative. Virtually every woman I’ve ever chatted to has similar horror stories about the kind of stuff they have to deal with on here.

Can you honestly say that, if the roles were reversed, you would gladly spend your free time responding to hundreds, thousands of people you have no interest in…? That you’d be happy to open up dialogues with them all so that they can continue pestering you, trying to change your mind, demanding reasons for your rejection or just hurling petty insults?

And to clarify, simply not responding to an opening message is absolutely NOT ghosting.

This!!! 💯 Thank you Stuart 👏🏼

[BS****]

For the record, as the author of this thread, it was intended for just this. New people could see how things really work and make peace with it early on.
Sadly we live in an emotional world, and many people immediately form false emotional attachments to a sex hormone response.

[ki****]

No one owes you a response. That's the kind of thinking that really puts a damper on any kind of relationship, kink or not. It's time to do some self reflecting and maybe take ownership of your feelings. I empathize with your feelings because I too, hate being left hanging, but it's called "rejection sensitive dysphoria". That still doesn't make it someone else's responsibility to take accountability for those feelings. If the situation was reversed and someone called you out for not responding when you simply weren't interested, how would you feel? Put yourself in someone else's position.

[Se****]

When I am respectful and kind in my attempt to turn someone down gently, most of the time they demand specific reasons why I don't want them. And then they want to know what they can change in order for me to want them. Sometimes they get belligerent and sometimes they threaten me.

If someone just writes "hello" or "hey sexy" or something like that, I don't bother. Because they didn't really bother either.

I usually do try to write back to someone who has approached me respectfully, but it does take a lot of time. Women do really get a lot of messages...on every app. I'm no longer looking on here because I have enough matches to explore right now, but when I am looking, I have instructions at the end of my profile, so as a rule I don't write back to anyone who has not followed them to show me that they have actually read my profile, not just that they looked at my pictures and decided to shoot their shot without learning anything else about me. I do still usually look at the profile of the person that wrote to me, even if they have not followed instructions. All of this time does add up - sometimes hours. Experience has taught me that responding to the people that don't read my profile is a waste of time, because I'm never compatible with those people.

It's very easy to send a bunch of copy/paste sort of messages to a lot of women in a short period of time and I have definitely gotten a lot of form messages like that. Those don't get a response at all either.

I'm with Stuart-84. No one is owed a response from anyone else.

[Wi****]

Yeaaa this happens 90% of the time to me.. get shit on (not legit) everyday

[sa****]

I get likes, requests, etc...But my profile simply says that I'll only answer to couples or women. If more ppl would read profiles, they could save themselves trouble

[Wi****]

Yea i do read profiles.. and integrate that into a creative reply n I still get ignored

[Mo****]

Yeah it’s a poor habit a lot of ppl have. Build community. Not everyone is trying to get in your pants. Having a conversation to get to know someone is normal. Responding politely and letting ppl know you’re. It interested is normal af. Ppl that don’t do that ruin it for others for sure. Kindness and communication is key to community.

[Du****]

2 hours ago, raleigh953174 said:

Being respectful doesn’t mean that you have to respond to or even open messages from everyone who sends one.
I did this for a long time (in a local Facebook group for singles), and not only was it exhausting, dealing with the responses from some men who don’t take even the kindest rejection well or they persist, which I can chalk up, in part at least, to the stereotype that women like when a man applies pressure or pursues her.

I’m sure most women’s inboxes are similar to mine, and a lot of them are probably much busier. It’s so incredibly easy to miss a message or start a conversation with someone that was fine, but hadn’t gotten to the point where you thought it was going to go anywhere.

I’m not saying it’s the best strategy, but it’s fairly reasonable way, in my mind to find a balance. I don’t open every message I receive because I would rather someone assume I didn’t see it than leave them on read wondering if they said or did something wrong.
The chances are more likely that I got distracted with mom stuff than they are that I found someone I’d rather be talking to instead 😂

At the end of the day, when you realize that you have zero control over how or even if a person responds and that we all have lives and things that have to take priority over responding to messages on here, or anywhere, it doesn’t feel so much like rejection or leave you wondering if they just found someone they had more in common with or was more motivated to invest time in. It’s rarely personal, and while it’s always nice to get a response, even if it’s the one you weren’t hoping for, you have to give other people some grace when you don’t know what they have on their plate IRL.

This is the most legit version of what's going on. I've been on the ghosted side before, and while rejection sucks, we're all adults and need to understand that no matter how respectful and polite your message was, no one actually owes you anything. Keep in mind, I'm not saying they should openly respond with negativity and vitriol.

As the male half of a couple's profile and the Dominant in that relationship, my girlfriend/submissive regularly prefers I go through her personal profile messages to weed out the red flags, the obvious blind shotgun messages, and the generally uninspired or uninteresting. Between this app and other sites, she gets so many messages daily that it would be a whole part time job just responding "no thank you" to everyone.

Remember, we are a community that values consent as well. You sending a message implies your consent for conversation. A response implies consent back. A non-response therefore implies non-consent and should be treated as any other regular of consent.

[Il****]

In any case of ghosting.. they aren't worth the time I promise you. If they can't be decent for the 10 seconds it takes to reply anything at all... forget they exist..I don't care if I accidentally match with the wrong person or if I immediately hate you on meeting... I'll communicate like a grown ass adult that I am.. there's simply no excuse for being a rude little bitch. Man or woman, friend, family or fuck... At least be decent enough to say "no this isn't for me", "your not what I want", "my bad, misclick"..

Yeah.. it's annoying.. but holy shit it's prolly the most decent thing you'll do all day that requires the least amount of effort possible.

[Il****]

While I agree with saborista.. reading signs is always a good start.. most people I have found... Seem to have no clue what sign they post, or how to post said sign to begin with.. so getting in trouble for things you didn't know you could get into trouble for is a tad hypocritical when it comes down to it. But that's why I always defer to simple.. " hey this sucks, but here's how it is" of communicating the situation.. yeah it doesn't always work.. but It works better overall than ghosting.

[FE****]

43 minutes ago, Wickedlykinky- said:

Yea i do read profiles.. and integrate that into a creative reply n I still get ignored

Reading the profile is the basic building block.  It still doesn't mean that your message is interesting, nor, and this is the important part, that the other person thinks you are someone they want to talk to.

Consent is key, they haven't given any for you to message, they DON'T owe you (not you specifically but anybody) a reply (even just to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

[Voyage_1]

41 minutes ago, FETMod-RG said:

Reading the profile is the basic building block.  It still doesn't mean that your message is interesting, nor, and this is the important part, that the other person thinks you are someone they want to talk to.

Consent is key, they haven't given any for you to message, they DON'T owe you (not you specifically but anybody) a reply (even just to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

He never said that. No one ever said people owe him a reply. On top of that to insult him… You’re right, no one owes you a reply! But that doesn’t give you the right to be a jackass to genuine people. There are obvious reasons why some people won’t reply (made them feel uncomfortable, an insult straight away, being stalked, etc) but the times where a normal conversation is trying to be initiated, you should always say something regardless if you want the conversation or not. If you don’t want it, don’t be a jackass and take the less than 10 seconds to say “Sorry, but you’re not my type”.

[mo****]

Most of the time if I stop talking to someone or don’t respond it’s because something gross or uncomfortable was said!

[Ra****]

I agree. At least have the decency to say you're not interested and move on not just leaving a person wondering.

[DJWolfDaddy]

And I believe that I had made my point clear when it is an issue of already having a good conversation happening but then the other person stops responding for days weeks even months that to me is ghosting that to me is being disrespectful without telling the other person what's happening and being respectful doing so that leaves a bad mark on that other person that is what I deal with.
And that is also what leads up to me blocking people because of being disrespected and sometimes I will even report people for being fake or being scammers

[DJWolfDaddy]

And I will pose this question what happened to the days of showing mutual respect to each other in this way of life? What change to make people want to disregard showing mutual respect to one another?

[Du****]

51 minutes ago, RatedP623 said:

I agree. At least have the decency to say you're not interested and move on not just leaving a person wondering.

Imagine asking someone to have decency to issue a polite rejection when said rejection is often met with harassment. But hey, not EVERY guy, amiright?

[se****]

1 hour ago, Voyage_1 said:

He never said that. No one ever said people owe him a reply. On top of that to insult him… You’re right, no one owes you a reply! But that doesn’t give you the right to be a jackass to genuine people. There are obvious reasons why some people won’t reply (made them feel uncomfortable, an insult straight away, being stalked, etc) but the times where a normal conversation is trying to be initiated, you should always say something regardless if you want the conversation or not. If you don’t want it, don’t be a jackass and take the less than 10 seconds to say “Sorry, but you’re not my type”.

Nope its not ghosting if there hasnt been a convo. If there hasnt been a convo I dont owe them anything. Especially when saying you're not my type seems to egg on a lot of the creeps....to insist I try anyway and dont know how to take no for a n answer.....better to just not acknowledge them in the first plsce......that should be obvious the intent