How to educate a potential Dom(me) as a sub

[Mo****]

Something I have run across over and over again on here and in the wild is the need to do at least some, if not a complete course breakdown on safe ways to practice kink to people who proclaim that they have been in the community for a while.
I hesitate to go as in-depth as I feel I should because it can come across as demeaning and I always figured that if you wanted to play in a specific way, you would educate yourself before jumping in.
That has been proven wrong six ways to Sunday over the last month.
So I guess my question is, where do I draw the line? Do I go whole hog and rip away their incorrect notions? Do I stay sweet but just assert my own boundaries and leave them to stumble into someone else to educate them? I want to see my community be better but I am unsure how to navigate this.

[Deleted Member]

To be fair, every relationship / connection is going to be slightly different simply based on the fact that people are individuals and doms and subs aren’t monolithic categories in kink where everyone who identifies as a sub (or dom) like the same things. Some people love choking, others can’t even imagine doing it. Some doms are sadists others much more attentive givers so to speaks. I think most all of us can agree that open dialogue is the key to a successful partnership in kink. So to answer your question, I think approaching them any what that you are comfortable with is the right way to do it. Do you have examples of where people (doms) not respecting or understanding your boundaries?

[ha****]

If someone claims they’ve been in the lifestyle for a while, they should know that there are a myriad of outlets for education if they need it. Being solely dependent on you to teach them is a red flag to Me. It reads as they are taking advantage of your niceties and the side of the slash you occupy, weaponizing their incompetence simply because they feel like they can. Do not let them. Educating anyone in this lifestyle is extremely laborious and while you aren’t in the wrong for wanting to see the community in better standing, it gets to a point where you simply can’t be the white knight to save those who don’t want to put the work in to learn for themselves. I say maintain your boundaries and if they push you, tell them to fuck off and Google it. They aren’t owed your labor simply because they’d want to call themselves a Dom/me.

[No****]

I hope I am grasping the situation correctly here. It reads as if your Dom(me) overstepped some basic boundaries or did something you would not expect from a person thats experienced in similar dynamics.
Basically it works like any other relationship - talk about your needs, your desires and most importantly your boundaries. Being a Sub does not mean to submit and see what happens; you establish the rules together before anything goes down. If you havent, you absolutely should sit down together and do that. If your Dom(me) cant handle that, he/she doesnt deserve either the title or you or any other Sub.

[Ve****]

Yeah they don't understand that I want someone who's not a virgin but is clear of STDs and stuff and knows how to love a woman for them more it's finding your match that has that same level of intensity for love making it's nothing you can f****** teach because if that was the case I could just make my perfect man and marry him I don't f****** want that I want it to be normal and natural and just happen like from the time I kiss you s*** just Sparks off and the more we do things it is just so f****** amazing that it's all I want

[Vl****]

i wish i could say this is rare, most of the doms and subs ive encountered are similarly ill informed, or in most cases dont care. it appears as though there are numerous people that are just for the sexual kinks, want someone to do whatever they say, looking for sugar daddys/ pay pigs, and so on. dynamics are all individual but there are core principles and mechanics to all of them, like consent...ive seen both dom and sub not respect it. at some point you need to ask yourself - is the person im talking to genuinely into the lifestyle, or are they a pedestrian or worse.

[ph****]

Definitely take the time to establish your boundaries and play parameters but I don't think you owe the community the educator role. A good true dom should have the bandwidth and maturity to communicate properly with a potential partner. You'd be doing yourself a disservice by playing with someone that is clueless or possibly careless. Personally im tired of hearing from subs their trauma stories from past d/s relationships. This is for anyone reading if you have boundaries and flags stick with them. Don't get caught up in the moment and forget to protect yourself.

[Deleted Member]

I think it's a halfway thing. Like James said, everyone is a bit different.
Id look at it like a new hire at a job. If they don't have the basic knowledge needed for the position, it isn't your job to teach them, unless you feel it's worth your time. However, there will be things specific to your company, or gaps in knowledge that just get missed.
Back to the literal though, safety is number 1 of course, so it's up to your gut for what feels safest.

[se****]

There’s books on Amazon. Haha

[Ma****]

I find complete surprise and then distrust when I suggest a public meeting, and completion of an activities check list.
I want to understand the prior experience and likes or dislikes.
Then there is the negotiation of limits and activities.

Seems rudimentary but all parties are clear on all that is to be expected.
Too many wanna be's grab a partner and just jump into play without any real understanding or appreciation of the subs desires or needs.

[Deleted Member]

I'm a sub also and I don't engage with men who call themselves Dom but don't know how to practise kink safely. It's 101, they don't deserve a sub. Much less someone who will "teach them". They're opting out of doing the work and I'm not here to do it for them.
On the other hand I have been happy in the past to chat with those who want to understand more. Or point them towards useful resources. I see many doing this here and that's the mark of a supportive community. IF people want to learn, the help is there.

[ra****]

In my humble opinion, there is a difference between a dom who is open minded enough to understand that honest input or feedback isn’t an act of defiance or disrespect and one who makes you feel like the it’s primarily your responsibility to educate him.

If I am finding myself taking the lead when it comes to initiating conversations about expectations in the vetting process, it makes me believe that regardless of how much more knowledge or experience he may have compared to me, if I am operating from a more grounded perspective based on logic and reasoning than a man, it’s probably not a good fit for me.

I need to feel confident that I don’t have to overthink things to the point where it becomes impossible to quiet my mind enough to relax and be present in the moment.

My neurospicy brain is fine spending more time in the initial stages because I’ve realized I probably need more clarity on specific things in order to feel like I have enough knowledge to make an informed decision about what I’m getting into. I’m also aware that can easily be misinterpreted as being difficult or needing to have too much control in order to be able to allow someone else to be in control. I don’t mind feeling like it’s my responsibility to advocate for myself when it comes to needing more information than might seem necessary to other people, but submission without safety is a recipe for disaster and I appreciate anyone who is willing to invest time understanding that once I do feel safe, it’s relatively simple for me to let go of my need to feel like I wouldn’t have enough control over a situation if I feel uncomfortable at any time.

[TimberTara]

Be true to yourself

[ey****]

the answer kinda depends on context

there are no formal courses or education.  Of course, anyone can set up at a munch or event as a "workshop" to educate others, but there still needs to be some oversight that they themselves actually know what they're talking about -- there has been issues in the past with instructors using this as ways of hiding their own wrong doings

 

I think if you see or hear someone doing something you don't feel is right, challenging is a good idea 

[Ja****]

You should feel free to explain it to them and express your opinion. I think it is good in some experiences to say what I plan to do before do it, especially since I like to experiment with new toys and devices of *** and pleasure. Just say to them you want to pause for a minute to explain something to them that you have learned from your experience.

[Pl****]

Do our Community a favor and expose them for what they are….so many wannabe Dom’s that don’t have a clue about what true Dom/ Sub dynamic is and the lifestyle. Do us all the favor and call them out on the charade as they create huge issues for true Doms. Not to mention, the new subs that are exposed and manipulated and end up getting emotionally & physically ***d!

[Daddybrains]

It’s well within your purview as a bottom (even if you also identify as a sub) to ask a top (even if they also identify as a Dom) how they got their experience, and what their safety practices are. If that annoys them, run away and you’ve dodged a bullet.

Not everyone has access to in-person instruction. Sometimes the bottom has to be the instructor, or has to break off the interaction because they don’t want to instruct.

A top who lives in a big city (New York, Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, Tokyo, etc) can get high-quality in-person instruction from the local community, from instructors the community vouches for. I highly recommend taking such classes if you have the opportunity - I found them to provide a solid technical, aesthetic, and ethical foundation.

[ki****]

As a newcomer to the scene and hopeful new dom/rope top (who IS doing extensive research/looking to attend workshops, and only planning to start small and work my up as I learn), id absolutely say to at very least voice your concerns and opinions..., its not your duty to teach someone unless thats what you want to do and have discussed with them..., and in the spirit of keeping the community safe I'd far prefer to be told if im stretching beyond my reach rather than potentially risking anybodies physical or mental well being...

[Ma****]

One would hope that thise who claim to be Dominant would do their crucial part of getting educated 🤓 on the types of play that they are interested in engaging with.

But alas, we live in an instant–gratification erra, 🙄 where to claim it, seems to be enough for most. 🤦🏽‍♂️

[HSDMASTER]

We would need further information as to the specifics to make any definitive statements. So let me lend some suggestions. As for a sub teaching a potential Dom: The claim that you are a sub let alone are the expert on any play to therefore be able to "rip away their incorrect notions" or educate a Dom ...Word starts with D.......l. I'll leave you to finish it. Only an experienced Dom can access whether a potential Dom is naturally one let alone can educate and teach a new potential Dom to be one. Furthermore, No sub ever seeks to take authority and be in control to teach..that is the complete antithesis of what a sub is. Perhaps consider that you attracting and picking someone that you want to train suggests a difference between what you think hence claim to be V what you actually are? PS. Most females on here claiming to be sub are not subs [like the title and use it to fool weak males to give them the attention or resources they seek] and some guys are not Dom. To make the community better, i suggest starts with making yourself better in whatever role you are purporting to be. With love

[gr****]

Id say assert your personal boundaries, there is an element of say someone that was in a kinky long term relationship just having bad habits from it

[Ki****]

Not even here to be like oblivious or anything but I’m new to the app and this not the first time I seen a post like this and I’m really curious if I can break it down for me do it here or dm don’t matter I just wanna learn as I go honestly and respectfully

[Sq****]

I break it down to three essential brackets of understanding and communication for my sub: needs, wants, and expectations. Getting to know them on a core level through discussion will give you expectations to tailor to the dynamic. Their needs are essential and need to be discussed at length. Their wants are a solid foundation for reward and structure to promote growth. Everyone is different, every sub is different. There is no one size fits all to any of this and assuming otherwise is going to lead to some bad experiences.

[Ma****]

I still remember the irony of meeting a slave (alongside her ***, and Master) who taught professional level Shibari courses. Her Master was an acknowledged pillar of the kink community, the kind of person few could hope to be taught by...

But even learning from one of His slaves would have been cool - I can only imagine her depth of experience and knowledge. If the opportunity arose, I'd happily learn from her - which is admittedly different to being taught by My own slave...

But done respectfully, I'd appreciate having any errors etc pointed out by My slave. I'd probably (reluctantly) stop what I had intended, to have her show Me what I got wrong, and what I should have done instead.

I have a background in volunteer emergency services, and ropework for real life rescue (trained, but never used in exactly that way - but definitely used for the safety of Myself and My team). That gives Me a strong awareness of safety - I was the guy in rescue training who was always active, and answering questions - so I could find out the EASY WAY what I got wrong, where my pride demanded I learn rather than hide any misunderstandings.

If I can't do it safely - I'd rather stop and miss out, but learn so My sub/slave/bottom and I can enjoy it later. Safely. (Hasn't happened yet - but I also don't do for example, rope suspension, because I know I lack the training.)

[Ma****]

Wow, My "sibling" type reference to his other slave was censored because of a family implication. Damn, that's taking political correctness too far.

Even had I been referring to *** relatives - they're perfectly entitled to attend a club together, or have the same Master. (Sorry, Mark - both lovely slaves, you and your House are lucky...although I've no doubt you earned that "luck".)