Kink interrogation to prove you’re “serious”

[De****]

Is there a submissive rite of passage that means it is a necessary part of the journey to be interrogated on our kinks, without any questions or conversations about safety, limits or aftercare?

I had this conversation with someone I met on here about my journey into kink, and I’m reflecting out loud. I’ve been exploring for just under a year, and in that time I’ve had a few experiences that were genuinely transformational. I mean transformational in the sense it created a seismic shift in how I understand myself, how I relate to others, what I need, what I enjoy, what I actually find erotic.

But alongside that… I keep circling back to what those early months were like. And I’m wondering, speaking as a submissive, whether there’s almost a rite of passage that a lot of us go through when we start out, especially when our interactions with “Doms” are mainly online.

Because tell me if this sounds familiar: you starting talking with with a “Dom” (and I’m using inverted commas on purpose), and the first thing they do is start with the kink interrogation. Not limits. Not: “What do you need to feel safe?” Not: “What does aftercare look like for you?” Not: “What’s your pace?” Just… kinks. Kinks as sex acts l mean.

So even though you feel uncomfortable, that the conversation is moving too fast, there’s no trust to protect disclosure, you still respond in kind. Hoping to prove you are a “good” submissive who is serious about kink. And for me, even when l was answering there was always this vibe in my head that was saying “girl what the fuck are you doing? Who is this guy? This is not what you want?” but I still offered my list and assurances that I could enact them with the right dom as proof of my “seriousness”.

Ahhhh it’s almost embarrassing to even write this because I feel that I was gullible and naive and given what I know now, it almost ***s me to write this.

But it is my experience, I’ve learnt and I’m far more discerning. And it helps that a lot of “doms” tell on themselves in terms of where there focus lies based on their profiles (what information is there) and how and what they say when they first message you.

So I guess what I’m wondering is: is the transactional, sex-act-focused version of “kink” actually kink… or is it people’s perception of kink? Is a Dom a “real” dom if they only deal in the world of sex-acts, toys and having their needs met?

I do switch and categorical what I’ve outlined is not my style but is this style and approach just another facet of kink and what I am referencing is more about preference…or am I just describing the fact I’ve been conned by men who *** the Dom label?

[ty****]

No expert and not too experienced with the dynamic but I would think that you don't owe anyone you've just met and don't really know your submission. As a way to weed out the bad or false claimed doms I think it would be completely appropriate and healthy to start off those interactions as an equal. Ask the questions you want answers to and do what you need to to find out if they are someone who even deserve or has the right to be your dom before showing submission. If they can't handle a safe approach to a new relationship then they probably aren't going to be safe in the the relationship

[CopperKnob]

Yes, unfortunately so. They see your new to whatever site it is and they perceive your naivety as a vulnerability. Your newness attracts douchebags who start those conversations to see what wankfodder we're prepared to provide.
.
It gets better though. Over time we find our place, have more confidence in ourselves, our wants and needs and can quickly identify those kind of people. Whilst you'll still get those messages, it's easier to spot them early doors and shut them down.

[Pa****]

The same goes for "Domme" as well. I have yet found one that whats to know about me. I have talked (that's as far as it has gone so far) One the only words I am allowed to speak is "Yes, Mistress". Another told me everything she was going to do to me, clearly didnt read my profile. I asked another about aftercare, her reply was "I'll call 911". Where does it say a sub is not a human being.

[ty****]

As someone unfamiliar and inexperienced with that dynamic you can disregard this if it doesn't fit the situation. I would think though that even being a sub and trying to find a dom you don't owe anyone your immediate submission. Especially not strangers on the internet. I feel like to a good dom it would be completely acceptable for you to start the conversation on more equal grounds. Both expressing what you're wanting from the potential relationship and what you'll require from the other to satisfy each other's needs and respect boundaries. That seems to me like the best way to weed out the false claimed doms or even just doms who wouldn't be a good healthy partner for you. If they can't show you respect and their ability to satisfy your needs as a sub then I wouldn't expect them to be able to in the relationship. Get their respect and understand their character before you give them your submission

[ty****]

I've written 2 lengthy comments on this and they both disappeared? This one is a test

[Ar****]

I think you know the answer in your gut already.

No, the transactional sex-focused version of kink is not kink, unless - and this is the important part - you truly and wholeheartedly without coerçion want it to be because that is what is right for you and what you seek.

Stick to conversations with potentials who ask those other questions you mention and are genuinely interested in you/your wellbeing. The rest only care for their own gratification.

Edited yesterday at 01:17 PM by Aranhis

[ia****]

I love this post!!! Like you- I have identified as a switch, however ( in order to not deal with the asshats who come jump into DMs with the super toxic Dom energy I ) I promote myself as a dom only.

Also kink is entirely a made up idea! It's only based on what society thinks is "kinky"🤣 . Bdsm is somewhat defined- though not perfect. It has been helpful to understand the difference in understanding between kink and fetish. And also that BDSM is a series of sliders similar to the Kinsey scale.

When I left the "contracts and transactions" side of bdsm and moved into "LS"/"lifestyle" there is a HUGE difference in approach, rules, and meet styles, consenting agreements and a totally different vibe! I had to relearn everything! And I learned some valuable skills in dealing with toxic doms AND overeager subs.
 

[fl****]

A lot of fakes, love you use of quotes by the way, take claim to being a "Dom" because they think it somehow means they can bully naive submissives into sexual activity where the aggressor, and let’s be honest, the ***r, doesn’t have to care about the enjoyment, safety, or satisfaction of the sub. It’s sad really

[GentlemanDom]

Not for nothing but there is an ability in the profile editor to list kinks. You obviously have written a lot so i can understand your frustration with people who don't read it. Kink compatibility is important just as much as personality. I can't be with a brat who gets off on heavy impact play by teasing/annoying a Dom for example.

Maybe it's just my 'Tism but I hate the vague open ended questions like 'what does X look like' or 'how kinky are you' etc. They can be interpreted in a dozen different ways and if I'm asked questions like that I don't know what their meaning is. If I try to answer I know I'll get the wrong interpretation and they get annoyed for not answering correctly. If I ask them to be more specific they also get annoyed. Literally a lose/lose situation for me. I know there are a lot of people on the spectrum on here who probably feel the same.

I try to ask specific questions or talk about experiences and what they like and don't like in and out of kink.

So idk. Maybe just list your kinks using the checklist available on the profile editor and then point people to it if they ask. ✌️

[cl****]

I have the reverse experience of alot of submissive simply listing acts and kinks of things they want done to them. Not realising d/s is in many ways a very committed relationship. Aftercare and consent are absolutely things to discuss.

Also consent to discuss and disclose links. At a munch its a red flag to immediately talk about hunting for a sub/dom or talk about kinks straightaway.

[Jo****]

Perfectly worded! So many interactions can be disappointing in this way. I'm glad someone else has been able to put into words what I couldn't.

[FE****]

41 minutes ago, tyguy261 said:

I've written 2 lengthy comments on this and they both disappeared? This one is a test

All posts in the Kink Academy need to be approved.  Your posts didn't disappear, they went into the queue for approval.  The site tells you this when you submit a comment.

[H0****]

I think there is allot of men who con the label to get there needs and interests met. I’ve talked with a few people dipping their toes or just looking for friends here and mentioned that.

Thank you for this post as I have learned a couple things that are fantastic tools to improve me. I would appreciate DM conversation about my profile if you’re up for it.

[ke****]

Unfortunately “50 Shades of Grey” Ang the internet have combined to make entering the kink community a maze of predators and scammers.

Any vetting process that does not involve real discussion about the sub’s limits, interests, desires and safety is a red flag as is a Dom/me that does not discuss safety, their training/experience and specialties is a red flag.

Some of these people are out to exploit other’s personal info for monetary gain while others see the kink community as a hunting ground for women who like wild sex play.

I myself am a switch, but my first experiences were as a sub. Subs often begin by thinking about what they’d like to try and that’s what predatory fake Doms try to take advantage of. A real Dom/me know the mental and aspects of D/s play are truly what make an experience. The ***/pleasure mix is a tool to unlock our deeper vulnerability and inner needs/desires that allow a sun to let go and really get those endorphins firing during play. And a real Dom/me will provide proper aftercare.

These thing require real conversation that can begin with “what are you into” but must go deeper before play happen.

50 shades of bullshit brought the community into mainstream awareness, and with it a bunch of horny guys (and some predatory women) seeing an opportunity to prey upon women who don’t know quite what they should expect from a prospective Dom/me. Online platforms make it harder for the community the weed these people out (many change profiles or pr names often) so sadly your experience really has become a rite of passage.

[li****]

Same energy as on regular dating apps. It’s means to an end for many have already objectified and don’t know how to connect otherwise

[ty****]

48 minutes ago, FETMod-RG said:

All posts in the Kink Academy need to be approved.  Your posts didn't disappear, they went into the queue for approval.  The site tells you this when you submit a comment.

Ahh I didn't notice or see that when I submitted them? Where does the notification appear. Also thanks for the information!

[TimtheMerciless]

2 hours ago, tyguy261 said:

I've written 2 lengthy comments on this and they both disappeared? This one is a test

I try to be patient with moderators . They are giving their time for free and might have some weaknesses that seem baffling to others. I had a post taken down because it "didn't contribute to the discussion" , which left me so baffled I wondered if the moderator had accidentally clicked delete on the wrong post.  Was wracking my brains to think how I might have pushed a button on somebody, but I couldn't think of how. It wasn't something controversial and was a fairly harmless discussion not touching on any obvious controversies.

 

Maybe the moderator was reading in a hurry or misread something. Or maybe predictive text inserted something unfortunate : I'll never know🤣

[TravellingDom71]

I think maybe those first questions are to establish if there is compatibility. I have always practised the SSC and RACK approach so I make the assumption that the person im chatting with will know their safety is my most important concern. Its enlightening to be shown that It might not have been as obvious to them as it is to me that I think that way, but that's a me problem because I had communicated that at the outset.

Thank you for highlighting this, as I hadn't thought about it before.

[De****]

5 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Yes, unfortunately so. They see your new to whatever site it is and they perceive your naivety as a vulnerability. Your newness attracts douchebags who start those conversations to see what wankfodder we're prepared to provide.
.
It gets better though. Over time we find our place, have more confidence in ourselves, our wants and needs and can quickly identify those kind of people. Whilst you'll still get those messages, it's easier to spot them early doors and shut them down.

Yes you are right and I concur it does get better, thank you

[De****]

6 hours ago, tyguy261 said:

No expert and not too experienced with the dynamic but I would think that you don't owe anyone you've just met and don't really know your submission. As a way to weed out the bad or false claimed doms I think it would be completely appropriate and healthy to start off those interactions as an equal. Ask the questions you want answers to and do what you need to to find out if they are someone who even deserve or has the right to be your dom before showing submission. If they can't handle a safe approach to a new relationship then they probably aren't going to be safe in the the relationship

Yes, asking the questions as equals - that would actually make a great post 😊 - good advice that’s straight away easy to remember. Thank you

[De****]

5 hours ago, PappiTwaine65 said:

The same goes for "Domme" as well. I have yet found one that whats to know about me. I have talked (that's as far as it has gone so far) One the only words I am allowed to speak is "Yes, Mistress". Another told me everything she was going to do to me, clearly didnt read my profile. I asked another about aftercare, her reply was "I'll call 911". Where does it say a sub is not a human being.

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences with a domme. I’m wondering if there is something about the perception of what people think it means to be dominant…

[De****]

5 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I think you know the answer in your gut already.

No, the transactional sex-focused version of kink is not kink, unless - and this is the important part - you truly and wholeheartedly without coerçion want it to be because that is what is right for you and what you seek.

Stick to conversations with potentials who ask those other questions you mention and are genuinely interested in you/your wellbeing. The rest only care for their own gratification.

Yes I try to. Sometimes it can be difficult when you try to move on but those guys take it as an insult and try to shame you for not indulging them - I’ve had a lot of those

[De****]

5 hours ago, iamqueenoswords said:

I love this post!!! Like you- I have identified as a switch, however ( in order to not deal with the asshats who come jump into DMs with the super toxic Dom energy I ) I promote myself as a dom only.

Also kink is entirely a made up idea! It's only based on what society thinks is "kinky"🤣 . Bdsm is somewhat defined- though not perfect. It has been helpful to understand the difference in understanding between kink and fetish. And also that BDSM is a series of sliders similar to the Kinsey scale.

When I left the "contracts and transactions" side of bdsm and moved into "LS"/"lifestyle" there is a HUGE difference in approach, rules, and meet styles, consenting agreements and a totally different vibe! I had to relearn everything! And I learned some valuable skills in dealing with toxic doms AND overeager subs.
 

🙌🏿 to the sliding scale. I’m differently moving more towards the lifestyle elements and not so wedded to set contracts and agreements, doesn’t mean safety and consent is not important I hasten to add.

I see the value of making your profile as a dom - although l tried that and only attracted me who wanted to be slaves and humiliated which is not my cup of tea. Psychological play anchored some with some atmospheric play scenes…the first time l collared a man for both of us it was almost like we were tripping.
That it is the connection, attunement and the stars align because it was soooo good and we were fully clothed sigh loool

[De****]

5 hours ago, Jo1996 said:

Perfectly worded! So many interactions can be disappointing in this way. I'm glad someone else has been able to put into words what I couldn't.

You’re welcome and I’m sorry this matches your experiences too