Have You Ever Been Hurt by the Failure of a Long-Distance Relationship?

[Phoenyx]

I am not sure if this falls within the scope of this forum.  Still, this forum appears to be the closest fit.  In another thread, while discussing the topic of rejection, I mentioned how some may shy-away from long-distance relationships.  They may have been hurt by circumstances beyond their control.  That got me to wondering, if this might be a valuable discussion topic.  It is certainly more appropriate, in this age of Covid, and online communication.

So, here is the question:  Have you ever felt the *** of loss, from a long-distance relationship that became impractical?  Every aspect of your time together, may have been heaven.  You matched so perfectly, that it seemed too good to be true.  But then, there was that 10-hour drive, each way.  Or, those excessive plane or train fares.  It may have been the fact, that you had to take time from work, just to get a single, brief evening with your partner.  Or, perhaps, neither of you lived near a major airport or train station.  Then, there is the stress and fatigue of the travel itself.  Did you have to feel lucky, just to have one or two rendezvous with your partner, a year?  Very few can truly afford the "Jet Set" lifestyle.

This topic can have many discussion points.  How far are you willing to travel?  How much travel time can you tolerate?  Have you felt stymied by the inability to bring your "toys" through airport security?  Or, the fact that your simple hour-long flight has been turned into an expensive, 6-hour-plus ordeal?  I am sure that "Covid" has had some effect on this.  Perhaps, you even considered relocating, to be with your partner.  But, that new area may have had no work in your field.  Or, the new cost-of-living may have been prohibitive.  The days are long-gone, when a couple can survive on a single income.

Like others, I have had relationships fail, because of the distance.  Typically, it was an amicable separation---with both of us understanding the circumstances.  Even so, it was ***ful.  Then, there was that one liaison, that ended with frustration, accusations, and hard feelings.  Though it was decades ago, it still feel the sting.

Right now, I would say that a 6-hour drive is my absolute maximum.  From where I live in the Texas Panhandle, that could encompass the cities of Amarillo, Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, and possibly Colorado Springs.  Out of all those options, Colorado Springs seems to be the only city with a viable "Scene".  Dallas, Denver, and Austin are definitely too far.  I am sure that others have glanced at their local maps, and made similar assessments.

So, how do others feel about this?  Folks might be interested in reading about your feelings, stories, and experiences.

[qu****]

In part it depends on what type of relationship you want, if it's one of purely play, meeting up once every month or so distance isn't quiet so important, though again yes, within reason, but if it's a relationship which is vanilla and kink, or boyfriend/girlfriend as well as Dom/sub, or even just meeting as friends for a coffee I've always personally found anything over about 35-40 minutes is too far, I mean if it's 8pm and you both feel the want of a coffee and a cuddle, but not an overnighter, then any further than this is impractical, though I imagine if you'd found the one this could be different

[ey****]

I've done distance relationships and would again, but I think there's been important learning.

My last distance relationship ended March 2019 and depending on how things had played out over the months after that, there's a realistic risk the relationship would not have survived covid.

We will probably never know but certainly things that were going to be deferred to 2020 would not have been able to happen and that could have left us all to untangle a mess the other side of covid.

So, this in itself - did help me kind of understand some of the interaction I'd both want and reasonably offer.

--

I think the thing of course is that if I am making an effort (and time and expense) to make a journey then what I want is for the time to be valuable.  That this is a big thing for me, and, well, at the risk of sounding entitled - I'm worth it

[Deleted Member]

I am currently in a LDR and see him every 4-6 weeks due to COVID, kids etc. It’s so hard. One night a month, sometimes not even that. The older I get though, I know what’s real and what’s important. This is. So we keep going.

[Sl****]

So.. I have been in long distant relationships pretty much all my life for the past 11 years or so. The time and effort and love/ affection can seem so real during roleplay and it can drive it on for years and years but then I feel like there’s a maximum amount of time to meet someone and they either find someone nearby and slowly kind of fade away or tell you straight up! But sure enough I would go to anywhere in the world to meet someone I deemed to love that much, I wasn’t capable at the times to do so.

After all that I kind of felt like all I ever wanted/ craved/ needed was physical interaction in real life and that slowly made me get more local with people. During lockdown I tried to go back to the long distant roleplays with people and it now just seems like I’m wasting effort no matter how good the person sounds etc. Also there’s the big element of catfishes and all sorts untrustworthy which I had a couple years to experience being catfished etc which were very interesting experiences indeed! I didn’t really feel sad about it I more felt respect for the person who spent a whole year of their time making me happy in that! Since I come from knowing how much effort it truly is to drive something knowing you may never meet the person it was very very interesting for me to experience that.

I have a range of stories I guess but overall I have come to the conclusion that yes, long distance can work 100%. Depending on both people and right time/ place/ message.

[Phoenyx]

I would like to thank everyone for their great responses.  Quite true, we will all engage in an LDR, it it proves to be worth it.  But, what happens when either party finds that it is too much to handle?  I am sure that the dynamics over in the U.K. are much different than here, in "The States".  Here, there are few options for public transport between urban areas.  It basically boils-down to either driving across country, or catching a commercial flight (and all that entails).  Six hours relaxing on a train is a lot different, than spending six hours behind the wheel.  Driving for that long, alone, can be very stressful and fatiguing.

But again, I am getting off of my topic.  I was thinking more about what happens, when one or both finally decide, that it is becoming too much work.  Or, as @jak1401 pointed-out, that the other may eventually find someone closer to home.  What kind of loss, regret, guilt, etc is felt, when the failure of the relationship proves to be no one's fault?---merely a result of circumstances.

19 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think the thing of course is that if I am making an effort (and time and expense) to make a journey then what I want is for the time to be valuable.  That this is a big thing for me, and, well, at the risk of sounding entitled - I'm worth it

Well, I wouldn't say that this is a matter of being "entitled".  I would think that you were assessing whether all of the stress and fatigue of travel was worth the rewards.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, Phoenyx said:

I was thinking more about what happens, when one or both finally decide, that it is becoming too much work.  Or, as @jak1401 pointed-out, that the other may eventually find someone closer to home.  What kind of loss, regret, guilt, etc is felt, when the failure of the relationship proves to be no one's fault?---merely a result of circumstances.

I think sometimes even close to home relationships can fizzle out - and they end with no real blame - and that can be weird in itself

Be it that after the 6 hour drive you're thinking "did I enjoy that time enough to warrant the 12 hour round trip?", or "I just don't feel it meant as much to them as it did to me"

But that can be just the same as someone you can see most days.  

And it can be confusing because you might be sitting thinking "Was I the asshole, am I unreasonable" or "Have I been wronged" when, sometimes... things end.

-

Whilst the distance relationship has the threat of someone closer.  Or the poly relationship has the threat of someone new they'll "like more", the close-to-home relationship can still fall down to someone they clicked with online, someone they met at work or through some other circle.

This doesn't necessarily mean it's a credible threat.

[Deleted Member]

I have just started a LDR despite stating on my profile that I didn't want this.  Ultimately it's all about connection and I have an amazing connection with this person.  Yes the distance is a total *** and with lockdown who knows how long it will be before we can meet up again.  However, connection trumps everything for me.  If I can connect with someone emotionally, it's worth it.  I do have to admit to feeling a bit crazy at the moment though due to all the restrictions.

[Fireball7495]

My only LDR ended with me being ghosted/catfished.

 

It seems that unless you make a clear plan to close that distance gap, that LDR always ends in disaster.

 

Therefore, it simply isn't worth it to me to pursue LDR.  

[Je****]

I have just discovered this thread, so I am sorry some time has lapsed incase my input is no longer valid or anything but here it is anyway...

 

Growing up in a very narrow minded place with very set ways and values in life I was always taught that if someone wasn't close by, they were not worth the effort. So I always ***ed anything to do with LDR. Heck, I even considered LD as 100 miles!

But joining here in the midst of the pandemic and after a gruesome split from an ex, I decided to see what this site was about in the hope to meet someone LOCAL eventually....but I had all the time in the world.

Met one person close by, but had that controlling and manipulative behaviour typical of here and it just didnt feel right so an abrupt end came to that. I gave up.

 

Then by chance one day got chatting to someone on here but they were on the mainland Uk and I'm over in Northern Ireland. So the Irish sea was between. But I got to know them and they decided to make the effort to visit me to see what we had as we grew close. It was very nerve wrecking and worrying at first, but I played it safe and had video calls with them and gained opinions from long standing members who knew them also. So this ruled out any fakes, catfishes or dangers for me. 

Of course in my real life when people found out I was meeting a guy from that distance away I was told (and criticised), that it wasn't wise to get involved being so far, that it would never work and that he was probably after a quick fuck and I'd be tossed aside. But I took the leap. We met and got on great, decided to work on something. 

The travel was a main concern as it's a drive then a train and flight on both sides for us. Only an hour flight but the other stuff could total maybe 5hrs of effort. We made it work on both ends, even during covid (the flights were domestic so could travel without issue) and we are now a year down the line. That 'honeymoon' period or thrill has long since gone but we still value the effort and time spent together. So I have had a very positive experience and feel bless my first attempt at a LDR worked as well as it did. 

 

There is still that worry some day things may get complicated in the world and LD will be increasingly harder and it may fall apart but we are the type detertermined to put our all in no matter how long it takes. We fly every 6-8wks taking turns to visit. 

 

I know most people can't or won't do this. Be it *** of effort, travel expenses, getting too caught with emotions and it ending, or just something nearby may seem easier. I think if you are invested in a person enough none of that would matter and you'd work together to value what little or much time you CAN manage. 

 

But there is always people who may *** flying and miss out on opportunities with people and as mentioned, work and RL stuff can also put up roadblocks. I think a lot of it can be down to determination and persistence until it settles and you're comfortable. 

Times are not easy and covid has made it harder for people to go anywhere nowadays especially if in poorer health than some others, they don't want to take that risk, which is understandable. 

I am in a poly setting with my partner, even though I am from a mainly mono background so it can have it's challenges, but I want things to stay as they are so I put my all in. Saying this, I have in the past looked for other connections or relationships and most don't work out well. I get the "you're too far", or "I couldn't ever afford that and your not worth seeing once every 4 months" kind of thing. Which is okay, it's how the person feels. But it has been frustrating if I've gotten talking to someone and distance comes up and I make a point of saying I'm happy to put that effort in for you and they say 'well I'm not'. 

It can be disheatening. It can be hard. So I have limited myself to Uk/Ireland people only. I know realistically I couldnt afford going near AUS or USA or further parts of Europe, so I protect myself by stating No to people further than my means. 

 

I definately find that LDR can work depending on the couple and the strength of their connection and if both are willing to make that effort and see where it goes down the line, then why give that up? There are wosrse things than distance but I can understand those who guard their feelings immensely. Guess my point is, it can be doable, hard, but doable. I wish anyone who tries it all the luck in the world and if it doesn't work out then maybe at least you've gained a valued friend from it.