How to find a play partner??

[ey****]

So, I have over time had people where we'd definitely consider ourselves play partners, and ones where we probably are even if we don't label it as such.

Online alone can be difficult.   If I thought online was a waste of time, I wouldn't have a presence, but I think it's a tool rather than a substitute.

Find and attend munches in your local area.  If there are multiple, you don't need to go to them all - maybe one you vibe with the most - and iniitally make friends, and from friends one or the other may approach the idea of playing together and you can discuss what you might like to do.

[Ni****]

When you work it out let me know

[Gi****]

Finding local kink groups helped me the most. The good ones vet their members, and have play space with equipment that's impractical to have in most home setups. Having everyone understand the basic rules of the space and terms of engagement made it a lot easier to open up to new people- it removed a lot of the nervous factor for me.

[av****]

Yyc yes

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 09:42 AM, GingerAdaline said:

Finding local kink groups helped me the most. The good ones vet their members, and have play space with equipment that's impractical to have in most home setups. Having everyone understand the basic rules of the space and terms of engagement made it a lot easier to open up to new people- it removed a lot of the nervous factor for me.

How would you go about finding these groups?

[ey****]

11 hours ago, tboybottom said:

 

How would you go about finding these groups?

literally googling "find a munch"

whilst fetlife itself is a good directory 

[Gentlemandom47]

What you’re describing is very common, especially for people who approach kink and D/s with intention rather than urgency.

 

A few things stand out to me from what you’ve written:

 

1. The “I’m always the one travelling or compromising” pattern is information, not failure.

If you’re consistently the one doing the logistical and emotional labour, that’s a sign the balance isn’t right — not that you’re doing something wrong. Sustainable dynamics require reciprocity. Even when distance is involved, effort should be shared.

 

2. Limited local options mean you have to be more selective, not less.

When the pool is small, it’s tempting to lower standards just to keep something going. In practice, that usually leads to burnout. Many people find it healthier to slow things down and hold firm on a few non-negotiables (safety, communication style, effort level), even if that means longer gaps between connections.

 

3. Distance dynamics only work when the structure is explicit.

Long-distance or semi-local arrangements can be fulfilling, but only when expectations are clearly defined early on:

– How often do you communicate?

– Who travels, and how often?

– Is this exploratory, or is there a trajectory?

 

If those things stay vague, the burden almost always falls on the more invested person.

 

4. Don’t underestimate community over connection.

If possible, shift some energy away from “finding a Dom/play partner” and toward building kink-adjacent connections — forums, munches (even occasional ones), online discussion spaces. These don’t always lead directly to play, but they reduce isolation and often lead to better-matched connections later.

 

5. Building later isn’t a disadvantage — it’s a filter.

People who come into kink later often have clearer boundaries and a stronger sense of self. That can feel frustrating in the short term, but it tends to lead to healthier dynamics long-term.

 

Finally: if you’re feeling burnt out, that’s a cue to pause — not to push harder. Taking a step back to reset your energy and expectations can be a form of self-protection, not giving up.

 

You’re asking the right questions. That’s usually a sign you’re on the right track — even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

[Si****]

That was really well said!