Finding Community again

[Ci****]

How do y'all rediscover the community? After a divorce and 1000 + mile relocation it all seems so new and hard to break back into. What's your best advice?

[cl****]

Go to munches

[Gr****]

I lost a job once and was in a real tailspin trying to get back on track. What I did to help myself was volunteering. Soup kitchen, bingo and working with seniors. See if the local college offers classes such as art or carpentry. It really helped build my own confidence and establish connections with people in the community. Even contributed to getting a good job again. It helps motivates me to start the day, even a few laughs and smiles along the way. Hope it gets better for you soon.

[Sq****]

Find a group in your area and jump in. I'm not sure what's hard about this, there are places listed all over.

[Ma****]

Same situation here without the move. I think the move might make it easier. Less people that have known you long term.

Literally find a group and both feet in. Just got for it. This community is actually pretty accommodating

[vi****]

Agreed on the above - get yourself to your local munches. Body language says so much more than text messages or chatting on apps. Go to the vanilla socials and connect faces with names. Go even if you don’t know anyone. Let the host know you’re new to the community and ask if they’ll introduce you to folks. Then go back again and again. Before you know it, you’ll be a regular. And it’ll be easier to date and also attend more kinky events because those that run events want to vet you and they can because you’re a regular. Green flags all around. Oh and also, don’t date to find “the one” — date with the intention of making new friends. If more comes out of it, yay! If it doesn’t, you both still have made a new friend.

[ey****]

like, I ended up being away for a decade.  Time and patience.

In my case it wasn't a relocation but one of my first finds was a lot of the people had changed. Totally different people so it was like starting afresh (and some of the actual old faces were telling their own revisions of history, ones that made them sound better) 

but like, don't turn up expecting miracles and also remember you're not the first, nor will be the last, divorcee to try to get (back) into kink. But consistency is key. Turning up regularly, contributing regularly and showing you're interested in the community as a whole and not just what you can get out of it. 

[Ci****]

11 hours ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

Find a group in your area and jump in. I'm not sure what's hard about this, there are places listed all over.

Logistically its simple but frankly I've never done that. I had a very organic community before and I'm not used to the....structure?

[dr****]

Where do you find the socials or munches

[vi****]

Fetlife, Plura, or just type into your browser, “local kink community events” to see what pops up. The munches & socials are always vanilla events - meaning, there is no play party to be had. It’s just a gathering of like-minded folks meeting up at a bar or restaurant perhaps once a month at a set time/date and enjoying a beer and each other’s company. It’s really that simple.

There might be name tags to wear. Always a good idea to introduce yourself to others there. But that’s the point of community, yeah? Putting yourself out there and maybe being a little uncomfortable with it. But that’s what community is - everyone being a little uncomfortable with putting themselves out there. Without community, you don’t grow. You can’t expect to sit at home and build your community. Put in the work and you’ll get rewarded.

[De****]

I too am looking for new communities of like minded people just to meet with.

[dr****]

Thanks for the tips!

[MD****]

If you are putting yourself out there and trying to enter a community locally or build relationships and dynamics, try not to get discouraged, timing here matters a lot.

Especially now, in winter, people tend to conserve energy and stick tightly to familiar circles rather than opening up to new connections. Fall is also rough because a lot of people are preparing for winter and trying to 'lock-in'.

You may even go to places where community is happening and see people out in groups hanging out in the same location doing the same thing you are doing, yet you may be excluded, or not invited into the circle.

It’s not that people don’t want community, it’s that adding new relationships takes effort, and many are in maintenance mode instead of expansion mode. And a lot of people just don't have the energy right now.

Fal/Winter is also during natural hibernation and survival cycles, personal family dynamics work/life imbalance and when stress is magnified at all angles.

The best way to approach relationships, communities, or dynamics (in my opinion) is seasonally (give yourself a year or two) sew a lot of friendship seeds in the spring let them mature through the summer, lock-in the harvest over the fall. It's very hard to grow things in the winter, when everything is scarce.

If work or life gets in the way of sewing seeds in the spring (such as attending events going on dates setting up social encounters) then make it more of a priority the next year.

What has helped me in the spring/summer is putting myself in spaces where interaction is ambient rather than intentional, volunteering, classes, recurring events, places where you can be around the same people without the pressure to immediately “plug in.” Over time, those circles naturally loosen.

This goes for regular community as well as kink community if you are willing to donate your time to help build theater stages or maintain buildings that are used for burlesque you meet a lot of people who have similar interests, it's the same with volunteering anywhere, church, dog shelter, school. Put yourself around the people you want to be around.

It takes patience, but it’s less about forcing connection and more about being present until the season (literally and figuratively) shifts.

[lo****]

It takes patience to find that flower in a field of weeds.