Learning to Dom

[ty****]

I'm wondering if there are any experienced Doms who have learned to satisfy that role completely. Also Doms that started that journey from scratch. I have a very strong desire to become a Dom who knows exactly how to meet and surpass subs expectations and desires. I will admit though I'm gonna have to learn a lot and probably even change some things about myself. Have any kinksters here started in a similar place? If you have and you were successful in that process could you share? Any tips or recommendations on how to start? Experiences that you learned the most from? Anything to help learn

[ol****]

Check out the podcast Infinite Devotion with Andrew and Dawn.

[Do****]

Google a lot. There are websites where people discuss domination and submission. People write articles sharing their experiences. The forums in here have a lot of discussion over the years. You can search for topics. But also read about dom burnout, discussions about good doms and bad doms, about what subs enjoy, how they experience it. I read and researched. I chatted a lot to people on here. Listened to what they said about what mattered to them. With each person you need to work out what presses their buttons. Workout how that fits what what presses your buttons. Think about how that dynamic would work. Find a starting point, and then once you’re meeting, get to know them, their body language and how to work out when they’re enjoying, at their limits, curious, not enjoying….. develop your connection with them and then allow the play to deepens as the connection develops. Don’t plunge in. Only develop it at the same rate as your connection develops. With more and more experience you will want to read about different things, chat and post about different things and you will develop. It’s a really fun journey!!!
.
Allow yourself to be human and imperfect. The best of us are 😉

[po****]

"Down a winding pathway in a garden old,
tripped a beauteous maiden,
but her heart was cold.

Came a prince to woo her,
Said he loved her true;
Maiden said he didn't,
so he ceased to woo.

Came a perfumed noble;
dropping on one knee;
Said his love was deeper,
Than the deepest sea.

But the winsome maiden,
said his love was dead,
and the perfumed noble,
accepted what she said.

Came a dashing Stranger,
took her off by ***;
said he'd MAKE her love him,
and she did - of course"

While this century old ballad can seem problematic at face value, there's much to be gleaned when we think critically about what its saying... which in my understanding, fortune will ever favor the bold and the daring. For he who dares wins

More to my point Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. When applied in context: failure is a certainty but defeat is a choice. Nobody cares the world kept spinning despite it all.

only when you drop the marquee mask we all wear, will you truly DGAF. Freedom from the judgmental gaze of those timid souls which lack the testicular fortitude to be true to themselves.

Be confident in who you are, honest in your words and deliberate in your actions.

Women are humans just like you, there ain't no cheat code script to this shit we all out here winging it just like everyone else is... just roll with it and be true to yourself. The rest will follow.

[ty****]

54 minutes ago, DommeDelight said:

Google a lot. There are websites where people discuss domination and submission. People write articles sharing their experiences. The forums in here have a lot of discussion over the years. You can search for topics. But also read about dom burnout, discussions about good doms and bad doms, about what subs enjoy, how they experience it. I read and researched. I chatted a lot to people on here. Listened to what they said about what mattered to them. With each person you need to work out what presses their buttons. Workout how that fits what what presses your buttons. Think about how that dynamic would work. Find a starting point, and then once you’re meeting, get to know them, their body language and how to work out when they’re enjoying, at their limits, curious, not enjoying….. develop your connection with them and then allow the play to deepens as the connection develops. Don’t plunge in. Only develop it at the same rate as your connection develops. With more and more experience you will want to read about different things, chat and post about different things and you will develop. It’s a really fun journey!!!
.
Allow yourself to be human and imperfect. The best of us are 😉

Thank you for the input! I can definitely take some advice from that. I must explain though that I have started to read and watch educational content on the subject. I realized that would be the best way to get an understanding of it without actually trying things. Also I agree that a good relationship with someone open and willing to start that journey is essential. I've been unable to find that relationship

[ol****]

The true essence of being dominant and submissive is polarity! Look into that! It's not a set of rules to abide by. That's play d\s . One doesn't go find a dom or sub. It gets created inside a sacred divine relationship

[me****]

As you learn you’ll start gaining a bit of an intuition as to what you could try next that hits the same buttons for your sub. Once you know what headspace your sub is into start doing mental exercises running over scenarios setup, what’s needed, what order do things need to be done, what directions need to be given, etc. do a risk assessment possible things to go wrong and then contingencies in case they happen

[me****]

Treat those scenarios as thought experiments

[me****]

My Mistress used to say a Dom is always in control even if the building falls down you should feel like your Dom is controlling the falling bricks.

[me****]

The little details like your own fluidity of movement and confidence as you move them or yourself around speaks volumes to, getting the little details just right for their specific kink is what takes a session from a performance to feeling more like a reality

[ty****]

14 minutes ago, melbourne80296 said:

As you learn you’ll start gaining a bit of an intuition as to what you could try next that hits the same buttons for your sub. Once you know what headspace your sub is into start doing mental exercises running over scenarios setup, what’s needed, what order do things need to be done, what directions need to be given, etc. do a risk assessment possible things to go wrong and then contingencies in case they happen

Thank you sincerely! This has been the most helpful reply yet tbh you made me realize this is "chess not checkers". I thimk that was a good point even if i interrupted it wrong i didn't fully realize I'd need to be prepared to handle all emotions and outcomes and need to think about how to appropriately handle those situations.

[ty****]

Forgive me. Im not sober but I forgot to mention I do believe my biggest problem is that I was raised to believe women are extremely fragile. That thought took root aperantly cause I've struggled the most with being able to inflict any amount of *** during sex

[me****]

It’s important that the right intention is behind your actions and the appropriate emotions to match in those cases, I’m not particularly fond of inflicting *** but if it’s a part of our punishment reward system then you think of it as just another tool in your bag of tricks as long as it’s used correctly with the right intent and purpose you should be confident in yourself and also confident in your sub to speak up. if you can teach them to speak up as soon as their head space is broken rather then just when when their limit is reached you have a greater understanding where the barrier is that you need to work them through so next time their headspace can go further

[ty****]

Thank you

[ey****]

6 hours ago, tyguy261 said:

if there are any experienced Doms who have learned to satisfy that role completely

Technically no.

Truly experienced Dominants would know there is always room to grow.  Although, that doesn't mean they're not satisfied with where they are.

Those who think they are a complete product - probably aren't

6 hours ago, tyguy261 said:

Also Doms that started that journey from scratch.

All Dominants started from scratch.

They may, at the time of starting, already picked up things which proved relevant. But everyone started from scratch.

6 hours ago, tyguy261 said:

Any tips or recommendations on how to start

Tying with the above there is a wealth of info on the internet, blogs, videos, etc. but remember all of these are just the individuals perspective.  

Getting involved in kink communities both with a view to make friends and enrich knowledge is massive. Learning other people's dynamics and what works for them.   Opportunities to attend workshops and discussion groups will also prove key.

Remember, you likely will never be an expert in everything, and that is ok.  Focus on what interests you the most.  If that doesn't meet the expectation/desires/etc of a sub you haven't even met yet, they're not the sub for you

[Deleted Member]

I never considered myself a Dom, I was introduced to it by a friend that told me I had a natural presence as one. I’ve never been an overly demanding person but after years of life i just learned to set strict boundaries in my life that I will not compromise on, this translated well into the Dom/Sub dynamic. After seemingly finding my calling I started doing more research and found a podcast “infinite devotion”. Andrew and Dawn have a very healthy relationship that imo embodies what a great Dom/Sub relationship is.

[DS****]

Start by listening intensely. After you’ve got that down then- push. the. fucking. line. right to the edge.

[bl****]

In same boat myself, relatively new and unsure where to find right information for learning

[be****]

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is know when to step out of that role because you can’t pour from an empty cup and if you try things are just going to go south very quickly.

[ia****]

I am in the same boat. The fet app has some info for beginners, or can always Google it to see what comes up.

[be****]

A book to use as sort of a guide, “Screw the roasted, give me the thorns”

[Hu****]

One does not simply walk into Mordom

[Gentlemandom47]

I’ll answer this honestly, because a lot of people start where you are - but very few stay with the work long enough to become the kind of Dom you’re describing.

 

First, a reframing that matters: No Dom ever “finishes” learning how to Dom. If someone thinks they have they’re already stalled. What does happen over time is that you become more settled, more consistent, and less reactive. That steadiness is what subs experience as competence.

 

Many good Dom’s do start from scratch. Some start because they like power. The ones who last start because they become fascinated by responsibility.

 

A few things that helped me (and others I respect):

1. Stop trying to meet or surpass “expectations.” Subs are not a checklist. What they respond most strongly is not novelty or intensity, but predictably, presence, and follow-through. If you say something matters, make sure your behaviour proves it does - every time.

2. Learn the psychology before the technique. Rope, impact, protocol, punishment- all of that is secondary. The real work is understanding attachment, consent, drop, projection and how power affects both people. Many “failed” dynamics don’t fail because of bad kink - they fail because the Dom didn’t understand the emotional load they were creating.

3. Except to change - but don’t perform change. You will have to unlearn some habits: defensiveness, ego, rushing, needing validation. But you don’t need to become a different person. You need to become a more regulated one. Calm authority is learned, not assumed.
4. Listen to subs who are no longer trying to impress you. Early on, subs often perform what they think a Dom wants. Over time, the real information comes out: ***s, patterns, testing, ambivalence. Pay attention to that. It teaches you far more than kink lists ever will.

5. You biggest teachers will be mistakes - if you own them. Every experienced Dom has misread someone, moved too fast, or missed a signal. The difference between growth and stagnation is whether you reflect and adjust, or justify and repeat.

 

If you want a practical place to start:

- Read widely (not just how-to kink books, but psychology and communication).

- Observe more than you act in the beginning.

- Practice consistency in small things.

- Take aftercare seriously, even online.

- And be willing to say “I don’t know yet”

without feeling diminished by it.

 

Becoming a Dom isn’t about acquiring control. It’s about become someone others can safely relinquish control to.

 

If you stay curious, patient, and accountable, you’ll already be ahead of most.

[lo****]

What a loaded question. I think it’s subjective. I mean you say satisfy right? Even if that’s the role or you’re talking about your partner the sub it’s really gonna be dependent on that. What you define as such in a dynamic. Speaking from a personal experience, it took quite a while. I was raised by females I had/have a female edge but to be actually dominant to have control, identifying and understanding how to use that and what it really means to take the wheel mindful of your partners physical/mental/emotional health at the same time and not go overboard. It took years to have confidence In my role I still have open up to someone and build a connection before DOM’ing (it can happen instantly or it can take time)

[Se****]

23 hours ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

I’ll answer this honestly, because a lot of people start where you are - but very few stay with the work long enough to become the kind of Dom you’re describing.

 

First, a reframing that matters: No Dom ever “finishes” learning how to Dom. If someone thinks they have they’re already stalled. What does happen over time is that you become more settled, more consistent, and less reactive. That steadiness is what subs experience as competence.

 

Many good Dom’s do start from scratch. Some start because they like power. The ones who last start because they become fascinated by responsibility.

 

A few things that helped me (and others I respect):

1. Stop trying to meet or surpass “expectations.” Subs are not a checklist. What they respond most strongly is not novelty or intensity, but predictably, presence, and follow-through. If you say something matters, make sure your behaviour proves it does - every time.

2. Learn the psychology before the technique. Rope, impact, protocol, punishment- all of that is secondary. The real work is understanding attachment, consent, drop, projection and how power affects both people. Many “failed” dynamics don’t fail because of bad kink - they fail because the Dom didn’t understand the emotional load they were creating.

3. Except to change - but don’t perform change. You will have to unlearn some habits: defensiveness, ego, rushing, needing validation. But you don’t need to become a different person. You need to become a more regulated one. Calm authority is learned, not assumed.
4. Listen to subs who are no longer trying to impress you. Early on, subs often perform what they think a Dom wants. Over time, the real information comes out: ***s, patterns, testing, ambivalence. Pay attention to that. It teaches you far more than kink lists ever will.

5. You biggest teachers will be mistakes - if you own them. Every experienced Dom has misread someone, moved too fast, or missed a signal. The difference between growth and stagnation is whether you reflect and adjust, or justify and repeat.

 

If you want a practical place to start:

- Read widely (not just how-to kink books, but psychology and communication).

- Observe more than you act in the beginning.

- Practice consistency in small things.

- Take aftercare seriously, even online.

- And be willing to say “I don’t know yet”

without feeling diminished by it.

 

Becoming a Dom isn’t about acquiring control. It’s about become someone others can safely relinquish control to.

 

If you stay curious, patient, and accountable, you’ll already be ahead of most.

thank you for this!!!!