***, trauma & toxicity

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Taramafor said:

It's actually better (and healthier) to mean and intend the harm you cause. Becuase then you know what you do. "Out of control" situations will be even more destructive.

Avoidence and evasiveness will only lead to depression and suffering. Which is why it must be done with intent. People can hate you for that. Assume the worst too easily. But they'll also love you for it. Once the full story is known.

The biggest danger is in the blind situations (half stories and not asking each other enough). Not even knowing why you hurt each other at all. You don't even have a choice then. You're not even aware of the situation you're in then.

And I am talking about people that *** conflict. You're "we" doesn't change that. People that are that afraid are the ones that will hurt you the most. While being lying filthy hypocrites and doing exactly what they complain about. People have that *** because they are what they hate, basically. Or otherwise have had some bad past expreince and project it onto others. Which is common.

Too common actually. I get people to contradict themselves. Corrections sorts things out. But a lot of people won't have that kind of ability. Can you get the most stubborn person on the face of the planet to claim responsability provided you get a word in even if they're destructive and toxic? I manage to do that. It's... nice actually. Those situations turning around ASAP right away. For the better. All that past toxicity just stops then.

Factor in agreements as well. What you both want. That makes things less toxic. Even if they didn't want to talk about what's fair at first (dismissing concerns/your thoughts/opinions. Toxic).

In reality it's a misunderstanding. And in the end it comes down to two kinds of people. Those that seek to understand, and those that fixate on only the negatives alone and not considering any other viewpoint then their own. You figure out which is more likely to lead to more conflict.

Think of it this way. What does Luke Skywalker do with Darth Vader? THAT is how you stop conflict. Regardless of wherever someone meant to hurt you or not. But if THEY'RE not aware then YOU need to be (Observation and consideration). Otherwise you're both ending up shit creek without a paddle. It's all in the checking in without violating choice. Whatever the sitaution is just try to understand it. And focus on straight answers. Add in a dose of agreements. It just works. If someone isn't giving straight answers then can they even handle the truth? That simple reminder can give them a wake up call.

Granted, having to adapt to different situations. But that's the basic foundation that will always lead to working things out. What someone THINKS is *** is often a misunderstanding. But someones *** of that could turn that illusion into a reality (only serving to fuel more destruction). If someone is being abusive then the question is if you ***d them without even realising it.

 

The worst *** of all? Not even be taken into consideration. As if your thoughts/opinions don't even matter. Can't know that. Can't change what isn't known. To not even be known or understood by those you care for. When that happens I honestly manipulate the situation to be more honest/fair without lies or secrets. Manipulation doesn't mean lies and secrets. That's actually not manditory for it. But because of the stigma associated with the word then people *** that.

And of course we have to factor in closed minded people as well. Who refuse to even listen to another viewpoint when there's a disagreement. Which is what fuels destruction and toxicity in the first place. eg: The closed mind. You pretty much have to be toxic right back at times. They can *** you to be in a sense. Not necessarily a bad thing provided you keep it controlled (comes back to manipulation).

Instead of manipulation, control might be a better way to phrase it. How can we control the situation we're in and improve on it? This is the situation. You tried it your way alone over and over. Without agreements or compromise. Which you chose. And I will remind someone of this. It is manipulation. But it's also pointing out "You chose this." The most important factor is that reminder of their own choice. It's on their head. Mine too when I make my choices.

I also point out "Here's an idea about how we can treat each other better and let's make it about responsability instead of blame". That is manipulation. I just cut out the lies and secerts and maintain honesty at any cost. To be clear, manipulation means "To control events". It doesn't translate to lying and keeping secrets. But people can get confused and assume the worst of things (in general). eg: Judgement.

 

Nothing has ever been more toxic then that judgement. And if that's done with the "I know best for you" attitude then that violates choice itself. Be wary of that.

What a load of arrogant, victim blaming word salad.

[Taramafor]

On 9/10/2021 at 7:29 AM, Dragonflylover said:

What a load of arrogant, victim blaming word salad.

How so? Why make this claim? What does salad have anything to do with this? You're changing the topic. Clearly you are "insulting" me. I'm not going to play the victim card. I'm simply pointing out what you are doing.

Sometimes there are ONLY two bad options. And only ONE can be turned into a cure. Quick. Efficent. Clean. What's the alternative? Right, of course. You must love playing the blame game. Do you think that's helping?

You are what you hate. All blame, no responsibility. You're just seeing the worst of me. Isn't that "bullying"? Regardless of wherever you're doing it to me or someone else.

See, there's no way around it. It's a world full of ***. People *** easily. You only just proved my point. What if you're wrong? What if you're assuming? What's more you never even said WHY you said what you did. You just complained. Without proof. Where's your evidence? You can handle the truth can't you? Reasons matter. It's where the proof/evidence is. I think you're only saying you're right because you're desperate to be. There's no logic in what you said. You simply went "I'm in the right". Without saying "why".

Quote

 

We're not really talking about conflict, disagreements, or communication issues.

We're talking *** and manipulation

 

But how do you think *** and manipulation happens? Miscommunication is what caues it. Or rather, assumptions. In the end you can only work yourself up. And it takes TWO to argue. What of YOUR ***? (in general. Not to me) What of YOUR intended control to try and change a situaition? Which is manipulation. Just cut out the lies and secrets about it. Keep it honest and upfront. It's better to talk about control then ***. "Control the situation". *** can be controlled. But of course, most commonly, it's not. So people will of course tend to *** it. What exactly IS *** even?

 

I fail to see what salad has to do with that. What's arrogant about it? How is it playing the victim? I don't complain when people *** me. I don't want to be coddled either. I simply state "This is the situation". How you feel about it is how you feel about it. What you think about it is what YOU think about it. I don't tell you what to think or feel. That's on you.

 

I'm responsible for what I say. I'm not however responsible for what you assume. Unless I let you assume. But maybe that's what I wanted. Just to prove a point. What causes the *** and toxicity is the assumptions. The "*** itself".

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramafor

[ey****]

10 minutes ago, Taramafor said:

You're just seeing the worst of me. Isn't that "bullying"?

no, not really.  People are disagreeing with your approach. 

11 minutes ago, Taramafor said:

What if you're wrong? What if you're assuming?

You constantly go back to the whole "what if you're wrong" and, in some cases this may be a fair point but - basically, you're saying someone's feelings are not valid. 

You're gaslighting.

"He ***d me", "what if you're wrong?" - that's gaslighting.

13 minutes ago, Taramafor said:

But how do you think *** and manipulation happens? Miscommunication is what caues it.

No. Not at all.  

WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?!

 

[FETMOD-KF]

I'm going to ask people to keep civil here

But also to have some respect for people who have been on the receiving end of abusive and toxic relationships.  Please try to have a little empathy if nothing else.  

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Taramafor said:

But how do you think *** and manipulation happens? Miscommunication is what caues it. Or rather, assumptions. In the end you can only work yourself up. And it takes TWO to argue. What of YOUR ***? (in general. Not to me) What of YOUR intended control to try and change a situaition? Which is manipulation. Just cut out the lies and secrets about it. Keep it honest and upfront. It's better to talk about control then ***. "Control the situation". *** can be controlled. But of course, most commonly, it's not. So people will of course tend to *** it. What exactly IS *** even?

 

I fail to see what salad has to do with that. What's arrogant about it? How is it playing the victim? I don't complain when people *** me. I don't want to be coddled either. I simply state "This is the situation". How you feel about it is how you feel about it. What you think about it is what YOU think about it. I don't tell you what to think or feel. That's on you.

 

I'm responsible for what I say. I'm not however responsible for what you assume. Unless I let you assume. But maybe that's what I wanted. Just to prove a point. What causes the *** and toxicity is the assumptions. The "*** itself".

Word salad = a lot of words that don't say anything meaningful