Why is it so hard for others to accept a compliment

[ey****]

I guess there is the kinda issue where it is "but I was only being nice" - but to a large degree, what was the general point of the compliment?  Cos compliments tend to always have conditions attached. That you make a post cos you don't get the response you anticipated, means yours had conditions attached.

Rudeness may well have been unwarrented - but if this is a one-off it's a non-issue, a block-and-move-on.  But if this is regular, then maybe there is something in your approach that isn't coming across as you intended? And if it's not something in your approach that's wrong - and the majority of people are simply rude; then it seems folly to persist.

[wo****]

15 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess there is the kinda issue where it is "but I was only being nice" - but to a large degree, what was the general point of the compliment?  Cos compliments tend to always have conditions attached. That you make a post cos you don't get the response you anticipated, means yours had conditions attached.

Rudeness may well have been unwarrented - but if this is a one-off it's a non-issue, a block-and-move-on.  But if this is regular, then maybe there is something in your approach that isn't coming across as you intended? And if it's not something in your approach that's wrong - and the majority of people are simply rude; then it seems folly to persist.

What the point of the picture? Pictures tend to always be requests for validation, posting them tend to always be attention seeking.

He didn’t make a post because he “didn’t get the response he anticipated”. Saying so is accusing him of something he never did. You are smuggling in a mind fuck there. That’s more unwarranted than the rude-ish reply he got.

He did NOTHING WRONG.

Stop pathologizing him for sending a normal, polite, and friendly gesture. Maybe this, maybe that. The only thing on the other side of your maybe’s is a double bind.

You say- “That comment that you took the time to describe in some detail in your OP, the polite and respectful one, that’s not what happened.” “Don’t trust your own mind. Be self conscious about simple things you say, second guess yourself over normal behavior.”

- OR -

“Give up, because you’re a fool if you don’t.”

You’re boxing him in a false reality.

OP- understanding people and why they react that way- she already was that way before you sent the message. It has nothing to do with you. She probably moves through life with a chip on her shoulder.

It’s not just within the lifestyle either. That kind of arrogant “you’re beneath me” bullshit can be understood as having contempt for you as a man. Often times someone will suggest YOU are to blame, you’re not.

You are responsible for YOUR actions. Her behavior- look what materialized in the thread. If she did something wrong it’s men’s fault. You get to take it up the ass because of what someone else may or may not have done. In the minds of many people- that’s fair.

You were at fault before you even put up the OP.
That is the world we live in. Unfair? Yes.

I focus on what’s in my control. Your message/comment/whatever- make all that polite and respectful, but assholes are still gonna asshole.

[ey****]

11 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

He did NOTHING WRONG.

Stop pathologizing him for sending a normal, polite, and friendly gesture. Maybe this, maybe that. The only thing on the other side of your maybe’s is a double bind.

I guess the first thing is we are lacking full context.  We have the OPs version of events, but not anyone's side who sent a deemed rude response.

A question I'd ask is why the need to go to DMs for "genuine compliments" - like comment on the picture?!  

The measurable I get for something being... off... is if the majority responded negatively.  It feels like something was wrong in the approach. 

[MasterTalathian47342]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess the first thing is we are lacking full context.  We have the OPs version of events, but not anyone's side who sent a deemed rude response.

A question I'd ask is why the need to go to DMs for "genuine compliments" - like comment on the picture?!  

The measurable I get for something being... off... is if the majority responded negatively.  It feels like something was wrong in the approach. 

There was nothing nefarious. It was a simple statement to compliment. As stated i expected no response or anything and after the compliment I moved on and never messaged them again. I don't expect responses to compliments though if one were given i would expect a thank you just because that's what a normal person does when complimented. Again I didn't expect anything and normally don't get any reply.

[MasterTalathian47342]

16 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

What the point of the picture? Pictures tend to always be requests for validation, posting them tend to always be attention seeking.

He didn’t make a post because he “didn’t get the response he anticipated”. Saying so is accusing him of something he never did. You are smuggling in a mind fuck there. That’s more unwarranted than the rude-ish reply he got.

He did NOTHING WRONG.

Stop pathologizing him for sending a normal, polite, and friendly gesture. Maybe this, maybe that. The only thing on the other side of your maybe’s is a double bind.

You say- “That comment that you took the time to describe in some detail in your OP, the polite and respectful one, that’s not what happened.” “Don’t trust your own mind. Be self conscious about simple things you say, second guess yourself over normal behavior.”

- OR -

“Give up, because you’re a fool if you don’t.”

You’re boxing him in a false reality.

OP- understanding people and why they react that way- she already was that way before you sent the message. It has nothing to do with you. She probably moves through life with a chip on her shoulder.

It’s not just within the lifestyle either. That kind of arrogant “you’re beneath me” bullshit can be understood as having contempt for you as a man. Often times someone will suggest YOU are to blame, you’re not.

You are responsible for YOUR actions. Her behavior- look what materialized in the thread. If she did something wrong it’s men’s fault. You get to take it up the ass because of what someone else may or may not have done. In the minds of many people- that’s fair.

You were at fault before you even put up the OP.
That is the world we live in. Unfair? Yes.

I focus on what’s in my control. Your message/comment/whatever- make all that polite and respectful, but assholes are still gonna asshole.

Thank you

[MasterTalathian47342]

Yesterday at 12:00 AM, JackJonesHull said:

I have found a similar reaction to my idle comments. It is not particularly in my nature to be hitting on someone without first getting to know them somewhat, even then only when there's some indication that it may be welcomed. So it is with a certain level of amusement that I discover comments I do make, usually humourously, are met with a block.

I don't use it as a way to hit on them. As stated I compliment and move on without recontacting them.

[JackJonesHull]

38 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I don't use it as a way to hit on them. As stated I compliment and move on without recontacting them.

As do I. If a compliment or comment is deserved that's no reason to hit on someone.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I don't expect responses to compliments though if one were given i would expect a thank you just because that's what a normal person does when complimented.

However you feel you're coming across is not how it's being received.  

 

[Moon-8288]

5 hours ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I don't use it as a way to hit on them. As stated I compliment and move on without recontacting them.

I think the problem with you're coming from a generation where being a jackass had consequences 🙂 but with the internet comes anonymity and distance that allows people to be a rude without consequence 😑 I don't like it either but maybe there is a silver lining because people show you their true colors way quicker

[Se****]

So, the thing is, the OP has stated they have sent a polite message and not required or expected further reply.

Maybe this is what happened.

BUT, playing devils advocate, MAYBE the recipient did not view it as a polite or nice message. Maybe it offended them, maybe it caused all manner of response in their head - be that warranted or not.

And MAYBE, again playing devils advocate, the response the OP received was NOT in fact rude or intended to be but the OP misinterpreted it.

Just food for thought.

Another thing to think about, perhaps, were this Facebook or any other social media site and an image appeared in your feed of a random person you’d never spoken with before (I get that the algorithms are different) would you then automatically send them a DM to compliment the picture? In my opinion most wouldn’t - but it is just my opinion based on my  experience and that of people I know. If the answer is no, why do it on this site?

And as regard to the point made by another person in this thread re pictures being posted for validation and attention seeking - what a massive generalisation to make. Maybe yours are, maybe those of people you know are but that isn’t true for everyone so please do not assume it is, it’s actually quite rude.

The whole point being, if the OP received a rude response it is NOT likely to be because the person the comment was sent to is rude it is more likely that their message did not land as a compliment or in the way it was intended and that is something the OP needs to look at to correct. My suggestion would be - comment on pictures directly, don’t send messages to people’s inboxes re them it makes any supposed comment/compliment seem “creepy” for want of a better word.

Again, I apologise that this likely isn’t what any of you want to hear, I’m merely trying to show you the OTHER side of the story that nobody (well very few) seems to be seeing. 

Edited Tuesday at 10:16 PM by SerendipitousKeeper
Grammar

[AKA_Copper]

24 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

So, the thing is, the OP has stated they have sent a polite message and not required or expected further reply.

Maybe this is what happened.

BUT, playing devils advocate, MAYBE the recipient did not view it as a polite or nice message. Maybe it offended them, maybe it caused all manner of response in their head - be that warranted or not.

And MAYBE, again playing devils advocate, the response the OP received was NOT in fact rude or intended to be but the OP misinterpreted it.

Just food for thought.

Another thing to think about, perhaps, were this Facebook or any other social media site and an image appeared in your feed of a random person you’d never spoken with before (I get that the algorithms are different) would you then automatically send them a DM to compliment the picture? In my opinion most wouldn’t - but it is just my opinion based on my  experience and that of people I know. If the answer is no, why do it on this site?

And as regard to the point made by another person in this thread re pictures being posted for validation and attention seeking - what a massive generalisation to make. Maybe yours are, maybe those of people you know are but that isn’t true for everyone so please do not assume it is, it’s actually quite rude.

The whole point being, if the OP received a rude response it is NOT likely to be because the person the comment was sent to is rude it is more likely that their message did not land as a compliment or in the way it was intended and that is something the OP needs to look at to correct. My suggestion would be - comment on pictures directly, don’t send messages to people’s inboxes re them it makes any supposed comment/compliment seem “creepy” for want of a better word.

Again, I apologise that this likely isn’t what any of you want to hear, I’m merely trying to show you the OTHER side of the story that nobody (well very few) seems to be seeing. 

To add to @serendipitouskeeper's thoughts which I agree with...
.
Communication is fundamentally shaped and interpreted through the lens of past experiences, acting as a mental filter that helps individuals make sense of new interactions. The person's response is often not based or formed on the current line of communication but previous ones.
.
In terms of why people post photo's, the reasons for doing so are wide and varied. Personally, imagine knowing how low the number is on the scale but still believing you're overweight/huge. Posting photo's (taken when i'm confident in my shape/size) and seeing the 'likes' is a form of validation which helps to combat those feelings yet, I do not and will respond to any DMs referring to my photo's.
.
Its far too easy for any of us to make assumptions about the responses that others provide us. CBT is helpful to resolve how we interpret/view things to prevent us seeing the negative and reframing our own internal narrative. As is understanding our locus of control, whether its internal or external. The OP demonstrates that theirs is external, the preference being that it's internal.

[De****]

I mean you kinda of already answered your question, “men ignore what a profile says and expect to be called Sir.” Seems like you know the answer.

[De****]

20 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

So, the thing is, the OP has stated they have sent a polite message and not required or expected further reply.

Maybe this is what happened.

BUT, playing devils advocate, MAYBE the recipient did not view it as a polite or nice message. Maybe it offended them, maybe it caused all manner of response in their head - be that warranted or not.

And MAYBE, again playing devils advocate, the response the OP received was NOT in fact rude or intended to be but the OP misinterpreted it.

Just food for thought.

Another thing to think about, perhaps, were this Facebook or any other social media site and an image appeared in your feed of a random person you’d never spoken with before (I get that the algorithms are different) would you then automatically send them a DM to compliment the picture? In my opinion most wouldn’t - but it is just my opinion based on my  experience and that of people I know. If the answer is no, why do it on this site?

And as regard to the point made by another person in this thread re pictures being posted for validation and attention seeking - what a massive generalisation to make. Maybe yours are, maybe those of people you know are but that isn’t true for everyone so please do not assume it is, it’s actually quite rude.

The whole point being, if the OP received a rude response it is NOT likely to be because the person the comment was sent to is rude it is more likely that their message did not land as a compliment or in the way it was intended and that is something the OP needs to look at to correct. My suggestion would be - comment on pictures directly, don’t send messages to people’s inboxes re them it makes any supposed comment/compliment seem “creepy” for want of a better word.

Again, I apologise that this likely isn’t what any of you want to hear, I’m merely trying to show you the OTHER side of the story that nobody (well very few) seems to be seeing. 

💯🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼why the need to private message?! Why just not say it as a comment on the photo??

[wo****]

Tuesday at 12:14 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess the first thing is we are lacking full context.  We have the OPs version of events, but not anyone's side who sent a deemed rude response.

A question I'd ask is why the need to go to DMs for "genuine compliments" - like comment on the picture?!  

The measurable I get for something being... off... is if the majority responded negatively.  It feels like something was wrong in the approach. 

What are you implying by asking the question bro?

The message I get is a man can’t do anything right, that he exists on a continuums of

problematic behavior
to very problematic behavior

and

suspicion of being some type of predator to definitely being a predator.

That’s a major fucking problem and you are continuing to stoke the fire.

[De****]

20 minutes ago, woburn169344 said:

What are you implying by asking the question bro?

The message I get is a man can’t do anything right, that he exists on a continuums of

problematic behavior
to very problematic behavior

and

suspicion of being some type of predator to definitely being a predator.

That’s a major fucking problem and you are continuing to stoke the fire.

How has he said that?

[wo****]

Tuesday at 04:52 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

However you feel you're coming across is not how it's being received.  

 

Some people have woken up every morning having predetermined that any male attention that comes their way is a moral failing of that man and a moral failing of men as a group.

Should I start sending shithead messages to women because they might be assholes?

Are you assigning OP responsibility to exert emotional labor to people he sends objectively reasonable messages to?

Let me join in - hey @MasterTalathian47342– You now owe me emotional labor cuz I said so. That’s how this works. It’s like battling in The Thunderdome. I’m like the little man who sat on the shoulder of the massive dude. “I say, you do”.

Prior to this new model I’m learning from eyemblacksheep I always understood that putting expectations on other people without their ongoing and enthusiastic consent was wrong. The whole concept of manipulating others to gain compliance feels dirty.

I don’t know all the rules yet, but I’m open minded so I’m trying it out on you.

I think I was supposed to only imply that and not openly say it, I’m new at it. Maybe I sprinkle the message with emotional levers like guilt too.

You can’t be trusted! When you send a comment to a woman there’s a bunch of wrong shit you’re doing and it’s our jobs to make you believe it. You don’t get to exist without asymmetrical responsibility and moral judgement.

I assumed you were a decent enough guy, like I assume of everyone until clear and obvious objective evidence starts mounting to show otherwise.

But nope. You be suspicious af bro. It’s time for your struggle session.

[wo****]

Tuesday at 04:52 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

However you feel you're coming across is not how it's being received.  

 

It has nothing to do with FEELINGS. He can “feel” he came across like Hitler, if he sent a polite message, THAT is what matters. Feelings don’t determine whether or not someone’s behavior is reasonable.

[De****]

4 minutes ago, woburn169344 said:

It has nothing to do with FEELINGS. He can “feel” he came across like Hitler, if he sent a polite message, THAT is what matters. Feelings don’t determine whether or not someone’s behavior is reasonable.

Polite is a completely subjective term. It’s based off of the feelings of the people giving and receiving the compliment. I’m sorry women reject you, but you need to get a grip.

[wo****]

Tuesday at 10:14 PM, SerendipitousKeeper said:

So, the thing is, the OP has stated they have sent a polite message and not required or expected further reply.

Maybe this is what happened.

BUT, playing devils advocate, MAYBE the recipient did not view it as a polite or nice message. Maybe it offended them, maybe it caused all manner of response in their head - be that warranted or not.

And MAYBE, again playing devils advocate, the response the OP received was NOT in fact rude or intended to be but the OP misinterpreted it.

Just food for thought.

Another thing to think about, perhaps, were this Facebook or any other social media site and an image appeared in your feed of a random person you’d never spoken with before (I get that the algorithms are different) would you then automatically send them a DM to compliment the picture? In my opinion most wouldn’t - but it is just my opinion based on my  experience and that of people I know. If the answer is no, why do it on this site?

And as regard to the point made by another person in this thread re pictures being posted for validation and attention seeking - what a massive generalisation to make. Maybe yours are, maybe those of people you know are but that isn’t true for everyone so please do not assume it is, it’s actually quite rude.

The whole point being, if the OP received a rude response it is NOT likely to be because the person the comment was sent to is rude it is more likely that their message did not land as a compliment or in the way it was intended and that is something the OP needs to look at to correct. My suggestion would be - comment on pictures directly, don’t send messages to people’s inboxes re them it makes any supposed comment/compliment seem “creepy” for want of a better word.

Again, I apologise that this likely isn’t what any of you want to hear, I’m merely trying to show you the OTHER side of the story that nobody (well very few) seems to be seeing. 

My suggestion- when a member here posts .about something, unless it’s something outrageous- don’t take up for the party who isn’t a member. Just answer their friggin question, or don’t. If we all start doing that with OPs, it’s going insult and demean everyone who posts - so how about having this presumptuous gaslighting on an unknown stranger’s behalf stop?

When you start filling in unknown information about OP’s story with thoughts that you imagine and use that to presuppose he’s somehow at fault - it’s wrong.

[wo****]

3 hours ago, DenverBunny said:

Polite is a completely subjective term. It’s based off of the feelings of the people giving and receiving the compliment. I’m sorry women reject you, but you need to get a grip.

Politeness isn’t purely subjective, even if feelings play a role. Social interaction are based on shared norms, not just private reactions. Cultures across the globe routinely distinguish between polite, neutral, and impolite behavior with significant agreement.

How do you think that social etiquette, standards in the workplace, and harassment policies are established? If politeness were only a matter of individual feeling, there would be no real way to evaluate conduct outside of “I felt fine” or “I didn’t”.

What do you think accountability looks like in that world? Subjective experience matters, but it doesn’t eliminate the role that intent, context, and power dynamics play. It also doesn’t erase widely understood social conventions in determining whether something is polite or appropriate.

[AKA_Copper]

5 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

My suggestion- when a member here posts .about something, unless it’s something outrageous- don’t take up for the party who isn’t a member. Just answer their friggin question, or don’t. If we all start doing that with OPs, it’s going insult and demean everyone who posts - so how about having this presumptuous gaslighting on an unknown stranger’s behalf stop?

When you start filling in unknown information about OP’s story with thoughts that you imagine and use that to presuppose he’s somehow at fault - it’s wrong.

I think you misunderstand the purpose of the forums. Yes people can post what they want (within the context of the TOU's, which are currently seemingly flimsy) and others can answer in agreement or not but the point of the forum can also be to question.

Taking a questioning approach does two things, it encourages the OP/others to think about the situation a little more and can also be used when the OP may not be clear in what they've written and enables the person responding to respond without making assumptions/dig a little deeper. Thats neither insulting nor demeaning.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

What are you implying by asking the question bro?

The message I get is a man can’t do anything right, that he exists on a continuums of

problematic behavior
to very problematic behavior

this isn't something I'm saying, or implying, at all.   (though maybe this ties in with points on lack of tone on internet and not being received as intended)

So, like. Complimenting isn't (typically) problematic, predatory etc and I wouldn't imply otherwise.  However, if the responses are in the majority negative, somewhere in the process isn't right. Whether it is that communication isn't being received as intended. If wording could be better. Or if the person is themselves questioning why it was a DM rather than a public comment. 

Because I dunno, for me the majority of responses when I've complimented have been positive, and in most of the negative ones I can see where maybe I was a little eager, forward or in the wrong. Only a small minority could be what was classed as rude.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

 

It has nothing to do with FEELINGS. He can “feel” he came across like Hitler, if he sent a polite message, THAT is what matters. Feelings don’t determine whether or not someone’s behavior is reasonable.

I'm not sure what you're even on about here.   One would assume one wouldn't feel they came across an arsehole. That they/he/we feel our messages are meant as a compliment, to elevate someone - but somewhere in the process it's not how it's come across 

[ey****]

I guess things are... whilst my experience isn't meant to displace anyone else's

usually when I comment it's public. It's rare, but not impossible, that I would go to someone privately.  I do not keep tabs on anyone, why would I? So cannot count non-responses because I'm not keeping tabs.  

When I do get responses, the majority are positive to whatever degree, be it "thanks" a thumbs/heart emoji, a counter compliment or some form of conversation.   In some of the perceived negative, in some cases maybe I had been a little forward or over-eager and that certainly is on me. I certainly don't find any I perceived as rude to be large numbers at all.   Like, I accept for example that some people are assholes. And maybe some people weren't being rude, but was how I read it.

So, I feel... if someone is getting a majority of negative/rude responses back - like, we know some people are assholes or perceived rude - but if that's a majority?  Something is wrong in the process.    Whether the compliments aren't being received in the manner intended - which might be a case of reflecting on approach.  Or, actually also - if most people are being how you perceive to be rude, why would you even continue doing this?  It''s like a cartoon where someone keeps walking into rakes then complaining about being hit in the face.  

[Se****]

9 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

 

My suggestion- when a member here posts .about something, unless it’s something outrageous- don’t take up for the party who isn’t a member. Just answer their friggin question, or don’t. If we all start doing that with OPs, it’s going insult and demean everyone who posts - so how about having this presumptuous gaslighting on an unknown stranger’s behalf stop?

When you start filling in unknown information about OP’s story with thoughts that you imagine and use that to presuppose he’s somehow at fault - it’s wrong.
 

I feel you’re perhaps missing the point of the forums and also of my response - the joy of communication via text and without tone which, funnily enough, reinf0rces part of the comment I made.

Edited Thursday at 12:06 PM by SerendipitousKeeper