Why is it so hard for others to accept a compliment

[De****]

8 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

Politeness isn’t purely subjective, even if feelings play a role. Social interaction are based on shared norms, not just private reactions. Cultures across the globe routinely distinguish between polite, neutral, and impolite behavior with significant agreement.

How do you think that social etiquette, standards in the workplace, and harassment policies are established? If politeness were only a matter of individual feeling, there would be no real way to evaluate conduct outside of “I felt fine” or “I didn’t”.

What do you think accountability looks like in that world? Subjective experience matters, but it doesn’t eliminate the role that intent, context, and power dynamics play. It also doesn’t erase widely understood social conventions in determining whether something is polite or appropriate.

It’s funny you point out that cultures have norms. Every culture has a different norm, because politeness is subjective. You are constantly contradicting yourself. The sad part is you don’t even see that you’re doing it.

[ca****]

I think you are all amazing   (honestly)

Just wanted to say that.

ps - I don't need a reply !

[De****]

15 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

My suggestion- when a member here posts .about something, unless it’s something outrageous- don’t take up for the party who isn’t a member. Just answer their friggin question, or don’t. If we all start doing that with OPs, it’s going insult and demean everyone who posts - so how about having this presumptuous gaslighting on an unknown stranger’s behalf stop?

When you start filling in unknown information about OP’s story with thoughts that you imagine and use that to presuppose he’s somehow at fault - it’s wrong.

The person OP mentioned is a member. The messaged them on this app, which by definition makes them a member.

You are coming off as really hostile, emotional, belligerent, rude, and impolite. That, of course, is my subjective opinion of your posts. As we have told you repeatedly, how people interpret things is based on things like lack of tone in text, feelings, and past experiences.

Your responses are literally a picture perfect example about how feelings and messages are HIGHLY subjective. You personally think it’s rude to criticize the OP. We personally, don’t.

Do you even see the irony in this??

[MasterTalathian47342]

Tuesday at 04:10 PM, Moon-8288 said:

I think the problem with you're coming from a generation where being a jackass had consequences 🙂 but with the internet comes anonymity and distance that allows people to be a rude without consequence 😑 I don't like it either but maybe there is a silver lining because people show you their true colors way quicker

I guess I am learning through here that I should just keep compliments to myself.

[MasterTalathian47342]

Wednesday at 08:48 PM, woburn169344 said:

It has nothing to do with FEELINGS. He can “feel” he came across like Hitler, if he sent a polite message, THAT is what matters. Feelings don’t determine whether or not someone’s behavior is reasonable.

Correct feelings don't determine whether a person is reasonable or not.

[MasterTalathian47342]

Wednesday at 08:40 PM, woburn169344 said:

Some people have woken up every morning having predetermined that any male attention that comes their way is a moral failing of that man and a moral failing of men as a group.

Should I start sending shithead messages to women because they might be assholes?

Are you assigning OP responsibility to exert emotional labor to people he sends objectively reasonable messages to?

Let me join in - hey @MasterTalathian47342– You now owe me emotional labor cuz I said so. That’s how this works. It’s like battling in The Thunderdome. I’m like the little man who sat on the shoulder of the massive dude. “I say, you do”.

Prior to this new model I’m learning from eyemblacksheep I always understood that putting expectations on other people without their ongoing and enthusiastic consent was wrong. The whole concept of manipulating others to gain compliance feels dirty.

I don’t know all the rules yet, but I’m open minded so I’m trying it out on you.

I think I was supposed to only imply that and not openly say it, I’m new at it. Maybe I sprinkle the message with emotional levers like guilt too.

You can’t be trusted! When you send a comment to a woman there’s a bunch of wrong shit you’re doing and it’s our jobs to make you believe it. You don’t get to exist without asymmetrical responsibility and moral judgement.

I assumed you were a decent enough guy, like I assume of everyone until clear and obvious objective evidence starts mounting to show otherwise.

But nope. You be suspicious af bro. It’s time for your struggle session.

Putting anything on another is wrong. Especially emotionally or verbally. I just take responsibility for myself.

I guess I lived through the lifestyle different. I think i may have figured out a few things but the largest one is that many people are using this more as a hookup site than a lifestyle site. Maybe my thoughts on the site is off. I am in other lifestyle sites and regular sites and this is where I have this issue.

I mean I know a 55 year old married Dominant isn't what most people look for in any manner. Not that I am looking for hook ups here or anything per say. My wife (sub) always says unicorns are fantasy ***s for a reason lol. I actually thought I could include people on here with my group from another site for lifestyle education where speakers from the local community come and gives classes but I don't think this site is for things like that.

[MasterTalathian47342]

Wednesday at 02:04 PM, DenverBunny said:

💯🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼why the need to private message?! Why just not say it as a comment on the photo??

It's an option to DM that's why. Am not being rude or anything. I am not continuously sending messages. It's one message. It can be ignored as some have.

[MasterTalathian47342]

Wednesday at 02:01 PM, DenverBunny said:

I mean you kinda of already answered your question, “men ignore what a profile says and expect to be called Sir.” Seems like you know the answer.

I expect nothing from anyone on here or else where. Many men do expect that but I am not one of them. The only one that I have any expectations from is my wife who is also my sub. I am very much into education in the lifestyle and tell anyone that I do actually interact with either on a site like this or in the lifestyle educational group I have that no one should expect that from anyone they are not in a dynamic with. I am fully on record on the internet and local groups that expectations like that are red flags for anyone.

[De****]

4 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I expect nothing from anyone on here or else where. Many men do expect that but I am not one of them. The only one that I have any expectations from is my wife who is also my sub. I am very much into education in the lifestyle and tell anyone that I do actually interact with either on a site like this or in the lifestyle educational group I have that no one should expect that from anyone they are not in a dynamic with. I am fully on record on the internet and local groups that expectations like that are red flags for anyone.

I know you need people to tell you that you were in the right and she was rude. You’re not looking for honest feedback, you are looking for people to say “you are so right.” As I’m unwilling to do that I’m flung to respectfully end any interaction with you and your #1 fan in this comment section. Just remember that if you don’t look internally and change something you are going to keep getting the same results. You’re the common denominator.

[AKA_Copper]

7 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I expect nothing from anyone on here or else where. Many men do expect that but I am not one of them. The only one that I have any expectations from is my wife who is also my sub. I am very much into education in the lifestyle and tell anyone that I do actually interact with either on a site like this or in the lifestyle educational group I have that no one should expect that from anyone they are not in a dynamic with. I am fully on record on the internet and local groups that expectations like that are red flags for anyone.

Actually, you did have an expectation which was not to receive the responses you did. Your expectation was to either receive a thank you of some description or to be ignored.
To write an OP about is evidence of that.
To enter a strangers inbox either to compliment or educate is unnecessary. If people want the opinion of someone else, they will ask for it, otherwise we keep them to ourselves.

[Se****]

4 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

 

I expect nothing from anyone on here or else where. Many men do expect that but I am not one of them. The only one that I have any expectations from is my wife who is also my sub. I am very much into education in the lifestyle and tell anyone that I do actually interact with either on a site like this or in the lifestyle educational group I have that no one should expect that from anyone they are not in a dynamic with. I am fully on record on the internet and local groups that expectations like that are red flags for anyone.

You’ve already set your expectations by the simple fact that you “expect people to take a compliment” - there are ways and means of doing this appropriately and you seem to not be listening to the general consensus from the women/subs on this matter that we (generally) don't like this approach. You are assuming that people OUGHT to be polite and ACCEPT what YOU deem to be a compliment (words in caps are not shouty, just for emphasis) - you’re failing to realise that a) it might not be a compliment to them b) they may not want to be approached in your way c) if you send an unsolicited message the person receiving it is entitled to respond, or not, however they see fit, they did not ask you to come into their inbox. You cannot assume that you have the right to free s***ch yet others do not, it simply isn’t ok.

I hope you take this the way it is intended. 

[MasterTalathian47342]

4 minutes ago, AKA_Copper said:

Actually, you did have an expectation which was not to receive the responses you did. Your expectation was to either receive a thank you of some description or to be ignored.
To write an OP about is evidence of that.
To enter a strangers inbox either to compliment or educate is unnecessary. If people want the opinion of someone else, they will ask for it, otherwise we keep them to ourselves.

I see. I guessed that could be an expectation i however do not see it as one but reach you their own.

Got it, according to you, I should stay in my lane unless someone asks for my thoughts or opinions. Again got it. The opposite of being sociable on a social site but got it.

[Se****]

2 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

 

I see. I guessed that could be an expectation i however do not see it as one but reach you their own.

Got it, according to you, I should stay in my lane unless someone asks for my thoughts or opinions. Again got it. The opposite of being sociable on a social site but got it.

I don’t know if you’re being deliberately belligerent or simply are incapable of listening to opinions that differ to yours.

 This IS a social site and many of us manage to be sociable IN APPROPRIATE WAYS. You are being educated in how to improve and choosing to ignore it and become defensive instead - it speaks volumes. 

Edited 16 hours ago by SerendipitousKeeper

[MasterTalathian47342]

13 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

I know you need people to tell you that you were in the right and she was rude. You’re not looking for honest feedback, you are looking for people to say “you are so right.” As I’m unwilling to do that I’m flung to respectfully end any interaction with you and your #1 fan in this comment section. Just remember that if you don’t look internally and change something you are going to keep getting the same results. You’re the common denominator.

Again I expect nothing from anyone. You're projecting your thoughts and feelings into me as you see it.

I asked a question and explained the situation. I was looking for others thoughts on my question.

I say you're projecting on me because you don't know me at all. I don't care if people tell me I am right or not. I don't care if people respond or not. I am having a discourse with you without expectations of you agreeing with me and after reading your responses it is obvious you don't. Yet I am still cordially resounding.

It has been my honor speaking with you and I thank you for your input. Be well and safe.

[AKA_Copper]

5 minutes ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

I see. I guessed that could be an expectation i however do not see it as one but reach you their own.

Got it, according to you, I should stay in my lane unless someone asks for my thoughts or opinions. Again got it. The opposite of being sociable on a social site but got it.

It may be worth your while exploring why you feel the need to share your unsolicited opinions with others. It can often be as simple as someone feeling the need to be heard/validated.
.
A way that some of us manage unsolicited opinions is to set boundaries which on a kink site is ironic no?

[wo****]

Here’s the issue:

When a man raises concern that a woman was rude, it gets framed as his entitlement to attention. It gets framed as misinterpretation; that problems are happening on his end. To the extent his feelings are acknowledged, they tend to be conditionally- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…”.

His concern is treated as a reaction problem. Comments question his credibility, asking “What’s the context?” Focus shifts from her behavior to his expectations. Ambiguity stays open — but against him.

It’s quite different when a woman raises concern that a man was rude in an OP; it gets framed as a boundary issue, safety concern, or respect ***. Comments provide her emotional validation. They also operate with the assumption that her concern is good-faith. Messaging like “Your feelings are valid” and “Trust your instincts” appear.

All ambiguity collapses quickly, IN HER FAVOR.

Comments related to the man tend to get expressed towards men as a CLASS.
The outcome is such that her/woman’s concerns become norm-setting.
The incident becomes generalized as “this is why women struggle here”. Politeness is treated as a responsibility the man failed to meet.

[MasterTalathian47342]

7 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

I don’t know if you’re being deliberately belligerent or simply are incapable of listening to opinions that differ to yours.

 This IS a social site and many of us manage to be sociable IN APPROPRIATE WAYS. You are being educated in how to improve and choosing to ignore it and become defensive instead - it speaks volumes. 

How am I ignoring anything? I am responding and interacting. There is no belligerance to anything I have said in response to you or any one else.

I believe I said many and didn't say everyone when I spoke about it not being a social site. I do know it is supposed to be one.

[AKA_Copper]

4 minutes ago, woburn169344 said:

Here’s the issue:

When a man raises concern that a woman was rude, it gets framed as his entitlement to attention. It gets framed as misinterpretation; that problems are happening on his end. To the extent his feelings are acknowledged, they tend to be conditionally- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…”.

His concern is treated as a reaction problem. Comments question his credibility, asking “What’s the context?” Focus shifts from her behavior to his expectations. Ambiguity stays open — but against him.

It’s quite different when a woman raises concern that a man was rude in an OP; it gets framed as a boundary issue, safety concern, or respect ***. Comments provide her emotional validation. They also operate with the assumption that her concern is good-faith. Messaging like “Your feelings are valid” and “Trust your instincts” appear.

All ambiguity collapses quickly, IN HER FAVOR.

Comments related to the man tend to get expressed towards men as a CLASS.
The outcome is such that her/woman’s concerns become norm-setting.
The incident becomes generalized as “this is why women struggle here”. Politeness is treated as a responsibility the man failed to meet.

This isn't an issue of gender (or any other protected characteristic). You can Google 'giving unsolicited opinions' and it's very clear why it's viewed as an issue. Its even being taught in management and leadership courses as something not to do.

[Se****]

1 minute ago, MasterTalathian47342 said:

 

How am I ignoring anything? I am responding and interacting. There is no belligerance to anything I have said in response to you or any one else.

I believe I said many and didn't say everyone when I spoke about it not being a social site. I do know it is supposed to be one.

You’re ignoring because, for reasons best known, you’re refusing or unable to see the error/problem in your actions and why your OP has received the response it has. There are many of us on here who are trying to help you understand your initially posed question but when you become passive aggressive in your response it makes it impossible. 

[MasterTalathian47342]

14 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

You’ve already set your expectations by the simple fact that you “expect people to take a compliment” - there are ways and means of doing this appropriately and you seem to not be listening to the general consensus from the women/subs on this matter that we (generally) don't like this approach. You are assuming that people OUGHT to be polite and ACCEPT what YOU deem to be a compliment (words in caps are not shouty, just for emphasis) - you’re failing to realise that a) it might not be a compliment to them b) they may not want to be approached in your way c) if you send an unsolicited message the person receiving it is entitled to respond, or not, however they see fit, they did not ask you to come into their inbox. You cannot assume that you have the right to free s***ch yet others do not, it simply isn’t ok.

I hope you take this the way it is intended. 

I do take it the way it is intended and it's why I asked the question. To educate myself. If I didn't care then I wouldn't have inquired.

None of my rejoined have been that i will not or would not change things. I am failing to realize nothing.

[MasterTalathian47342]

4 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

You’re ignoring because, for reasons best known, you’re refusing or unable to see the error/problem in your actions and why your OP has received the response it has. There are many of us on here who are trying to help you understand your initially posed question but when you become passive aggressive in your response it makes it impossible. 

Again I am not unable to or refusing to see any error. As I stated that's why I posted the question.

There has been no passive aggressiveness meant in anything I have said to anyone to my knowledge.

[wo****]

15 minutes ago, AKA_Copper said:

This isn't an issue of gender (or any other protected characteristic). You can Google 'giving unsolicited opinions' and it's very clear why it's viewed as an issue. Its even being taught in management and leadership courses as something not to do.

Fairness and consistency are taught in kindergarten

[ey****]

9 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

When a man raises concern that a woman was rude, it gets framed as his entitlement to attention. It gets framed as misinterpretation; that problems are happening on his end. To the extent his feelings are acknowledged, they tend to be conditionally- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…”.

His concern is treated as a reaction problem. Comments question his credibility, asking “What’s the context?” Focus shifts from her behavior to his expectations. Ambiguity stays open — but against him.

It’s quite different when a woman raises concern that a man was rude in an OP; it gets framed as a boundary issue, safety concern, or respec

I get what you are saying but there is bits you are missing...

Like, some people are rude.  And some people can come across rude.  For the sake of the person receiving rude messages, there's no difference.     There is a world of difference in receiving messages, without prompt, that are rude - and sending someone a message and getting a rude response back.   It doesn't boil down to gender at all.  I suspect maybe a difference would be if a woman kept messaging guys and got rude messages back she'd just stop messaging guys.... 

[OT****]

@MasterTalathian47342

Why should anybody accept a compliment? We’ve all grown up in a patriarchy where the act of complimenting a person is imbued with power dynamics and is not value-neutral. There’s an assumption among the powerful however that a compliment is positive and should therefore be accepted. But the experience of complimentees is often that a compliment is manipulative (e.g. an attempt to make them feel good about themselves- for what purpose or end? How they respond may encourage the complimenter and create the impression of access to the complimentee); a compliment is a challenge to their self-image; a compliment is a trap to encourage them to appear vain; etc.

So a common response to compliments from complete strangers on a dating site is naturally to reject or deflect the compliment, and make it crystal clear that this is an unwanted interaction and to close this approach down.

I say all this as a man who compliments. 95% of my compliments are to females and about 5% are to males. I try to be aware of my own intentions when doing so and so I am aware that on many occasions I am not just innocently complimenting - I am initiating an approach which I hope may develop further. And of course there are those compliments which are more spontaneous and which lack an ulterior motive- I complimented someone here last year on a photo of them which captured an offhand moment where they were laughing, and it was such a beautiful moment to capture and I sent them a message to say that. Even as I sent that compliment I was aware of how I was exercising my feelings of entitlement to comment on aspects of another person and their life.

I may not have intended my compliment to be an approach, but I should not be surprised that it may be interpreted and treated as one, given the contexts (patriarchal society; dating site; etc.) and so the resulting question might well be:

Why is it so hard for complimenters to accept that their compliments are unwelcome?

[ey****]

I guess another thing... the dynamics between people in the sense of a photographer complimenting another photographer is one thing

a photographer complimenting the model in a photo is another

a man of any role ONLY complimenting women automatically makes it not about the compliment, else they'd also compliment men (when quizzed it then becomes a "but I didn't want them to think I was hitting on them" which is so close to actually being self-aware)