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Why your post is a bait post - and bait posts don't work

ey****

By ey****
in New to BDSM, Kink & Fetish?

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ey****

ey****

Posted

I know it can seem frustrating if you're struggling to find anyone who wants to talk, play or be in a relationship with you.

Everyone always seems so far away, or wants paid, right?

So then you make a post
"Is there any one who wants to just do this for fun and not to make ***?"
or
"It seems there's no ladies in area x who like activity y"
or
"Does anyone actually meet up on here?"

Whilst you might feel these are innocent enough, they're actually bait posts and people don't like them.

(Also - this assumes that those who work professionally, or have any form of paid service don't actually have fun - and let's ignore the current pandemic, aye)

But, this is why it's bait and why it's bad.
You already know the answer to all of those questions is yes.

What do you indeed to do when someone replies?

If someone meets your criteria, let's not lie, you're going to message them.
You know that, I know that, they know that.
That's why they don't reply. They see right through it.

Some have maybe been there before.

However, in not replying this also validates your illusion.  "See! Everyone on this website is a fake or just wants ***!" - assumed fake because they didn't fall into your bait.

And let's say someone does reply, who is like "I never charge for play" or "I regularly meet people" or "Yes, I love doing that fetish with my partner" then the follow-up is usually

"Shame you're so far away"
"Shame more aren't like you"
"Shame you're not single" (I've seen that one!)

And, so, again.  People tend not to walk into your bait.

And, if you're someone who is just genuinely feeling disheartened and weren't trying to trick people - this is also bad because you're going to end up feeling worse when you don't get the responses because of the reasons above.

Mz****

Mz****

Posted

When I first signed up here, I used to kinda sympathise. I think we all have stages where nothing seems to go our way and we can feel overlooked or invisible, and we all like a little whinge or rant every so often whether we do it here or not..but, it didn't take long to spot a pattern, and once I did my sympathy soon waned.
Almost always male, almost always been looking for approximately a week..occasionally two, almost always after discreet fun or casual hookups, almost always cheapskates who can't host but won't help pay towards accommodation expecting you to sort that out for them, almost always just wanting their fetish or kink attended to with no regard for A/anyone else's needs, feelings or even desires..almost always a grade A dickhead..now I just roll my eyes and add them to the "avoid at all costs" list

Bo****

Bo****

Posted
(edited)

In my work coaching startup CEOs, I often meet a lot of *very* early founders who are just at the idea stage and the question I get asked more than anything else is "how do I find a technical co-founder?" What they're really asking is "how do I convince someone to work for free on my idea?"

I used to have lots of suggestions for them, and if I'm in a charitable mood, I'll still pass some along, but what I usually say these days is "if you can't figure that out, you probably shouldn't be starting a company."

It's the same thing here. Especially for guys. Most women have an easier time getting sex (although, ironically, a harder time finding kinky partners), so a lot of women on these board are professionals and that can be disheartening. So you're already facing a numbers mismatch (more men than women), and a lot of the women don't feel authentic AND you're still supposed to somehow make a match?

Guess what, sunshine. If you can't figure out how to be appealing, maybe you shouldn't be looking for someone to hook up with? It's not *just* about looks or body or age. It's about being interesting and having a point of view and making women feel safe. I'm pretty good at that and still don't get responses from a lot of women because I'm an average-looking middle-age guy. But I absolutely try to lead with being interesting. And when I don't get a response, I ask how I could do better next time. Or I just write it off and move on. 

Two other things:

1) Whining that no one finds you appealing is not a good look. You're literally saying "no one I've reached out to has wanted to be with me." Everyone who sees that post is going to figure that the crowd has spoken and you're not worth connecting with. Quit your fucking bellyaching. Up your message and profile game or take up another hobby. No one owes you a roll in the hay.

2) The one piece of advice I give to founders is "you need a technical co-founder more than they need you, so maybe focus on how you can help them with their own startup idea." You may have some weird role-play fantasy where your partner is Black Widow and you're Red Skull and something something Captain America. Whatever. Maybe instead of asking every woman if she'll be your personal Black Widow, maybe you focus on her fantasies and help her check a few of them off. Don't want to sub? Get over it. Not into feet? Learn. Focus on her desires, and maybe your own personal growth, and good things can happen.

Now get out there and play ball!

Edited by BoulderDom

Deleted Member

Posted
1 hour ago, BoulderDom said:

In my work coaching startup CEOs, I often meet a lot of *very* early founders who are just at the idea stage and the question I get asked more than anything else is "how do I find a technical co-founder?" What they're really asking is "how do I convince someone to work for free on my idea?"

I used to have lots of suggestions for them, and if I'm in a charitable mood, I'll still pass some along, but what I usually say these days is "if you can't figure that out, you probably shouldn't be starting a company."

It's the same thing here. Especially for guys. Most women have an easier time getting sex (although, ironically, a harder time finding kinky partners), so a lot of women on these board are professionals and that can be disheartening. So you're already facing a numbers mismatch (more men than women), and a lot of the women don't feel authentic AND you're still supposed to somehow make a match?

Guess what, sunshine. If you can't figure out how to be appealing, maybe you shouldn't be looking for someone to hook up with? It's not *just* about looks or body or age. It's about being interesting and having a point of view and making women feel safe. I'm pretty good at that and still don't get responses from a lot of women because I'm an average-looking middle-age guy. But I absolutely try to lead with being interesting. And when I don't get a response, I ask how I could do better next time. Or I just write it off and move on. 

Two other things:

1) Whining that no one finds you appealing is not a good look. You're literally saying "no one I've reached out to has wanted to be with me." Everyone who sees that post is going to figure that the crowd has spoken and you're not worth connecting with. Quit your fucking bellyaching. Up your message and profile game or take up another hobby. No one owes you a roll in the hay.

2) The one piece of advice I give to founders is "you need a technical co-founder more than they need you, so maybe focus on how you can help them with their own startup idea." You may have some weird role-play fantasy where your partner is Black Widow and you're Red Skull and something something Captain America. Whatever. Maybe instead of asking every woman if she'll be your personal Black Widow, maybe you focus on her fantasies and help her check a few of them off. Don't want to sub? Get over it. Not into feet? Learn. Focus on her desires, and maybe your own personal growth, and good things can happen.

Now get out there and play ball!

Yay yay yay! I'm shaking metaphorical pompoms.

Deleted Member

Posted

Every time I see one of these, 🤦🏻‍♀️. It is all about them and one of the reasons they’re not getting responses is...it’s all about them. The follow up comments say the same thing. If people don’t think past what they want, what they need, what they’re not getting - they won’t get it.

Deleted Member

Posted
1 hour ago, BoulderDom said:

In my work coaching startup CEOs, I often meet a lot of *very* early founders who are just at the idea stage and the question I get asked more than anything else is "how do I find a technical co-founder?" What they're really asking is "how do I convince someone to work for free on my idea?"

I used to have lots of suggestions for them, and if I'm in a charitable mood, I'll still pass some along, but what I usually say these days is "if you can't figure that out, you probably shouldn't be starting a company."

It's the same thing here. Especially for guys. Most women have an easier time getting sex (although, ironically, a harder time finding kinky partners), so a lot of women on these board are professionals and that can be disheartening. So you're already facing a numbers mismatch (more men than women), and a lot of the women don't feel authentic AND you're still supposed to somehow make a match?

Guess what, sunshine. If you can't figure out how to be appealing, maybe you shouldn't be looking for someone to hook up with? It's not *just* about looks or body or age. It's about being interesting and having a point of view and making women feel safe. I'm pretty good at that and still don't get responses from a lot of women because I'm an average-looking middle-age guy. But I absolutely try to lead with being interesting. And when I don't get a response, I ask how I could do better next time. Or I just write it off and move on. 

Two other things:

1) Whining that no one finds you appealing is not a good look. You're literally saying "no one I've reached out to has wanted to be with me." Everyone who sees that post is going to figure that the crowd has spoken and you're not worth connecting with. Quit your fucking bellyaching. Up your message and profile game or take up another hobby. No one owes you a roll in the hay.

2) The one piece of advice I give to founders is "you need a technical co-founder more than they need you, so maybe focus on how you can help them with their own startup idea." You may have some weird role-play fantasy where your partner is Black Widow and you're Red Skull and something something Captain America. Whatever. Maybe instead of asking every woman if she'll be your personal Black Widow, maybe you focus on her fantasies and help her check a few of them off. Don't want to sub? Get over it. Not into feet? Learn. Focus on her desires, and maybe your own personal growth, and good things can happen.

Now get out there and play ball!

I was interested in what you said about women having trouble finding kinky partners? Could you elaborate?

Bo****

Bo****

Posted
22 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I was interested in what you said about women having trouble finding kinky partners? Could you elaborate?

Absolutely! And I’ll couch my response with the recognition that this is all just from personal experience with stories from kinky partners, so I could be grossly wrong in my pattern matching.

Anyway, it mostly boils down to safety and social mores.

Guys have much greater breadth before things feel “out of control” so a kinky woman is “crazy” and that means sexually uninhibited and we’re like “fuck yeah, more of that please.”

For a woman, a “crazy” guy means “dangerous” and as a result, kink feels really unsafe. And with good reason. Men are fucking awful. Just saying.

Further, men and women are socialized very differently about sexual, right? Guys are supposed to be cocksure and rack up a good number of lays. Women are supposed to be pure, which means decades of repressing out-of-the-norm sexual desires. A guy is more like to say “this is what turns me on” than a woman.

As a result, women can find it easy to get laid but very difficult to find satisfaction.

Again, totally only my experience. Would love to hear if you’ve got different experiences.



Bo****

Bo****

Posted

Fuck. Wish I could edit on mobile. For a woman, kink sometimes (often, even) feels really unsafe. No blanket statements, especially on FET 😆

Deleted Member

Posted
17 minutes ago, BoulderDom said:

Absolutely! And I’ll couch my response with the recognition that this is all just from personal experience with stories from kinky partners, so I could be grossly wrong in my pattern matching.

Anyway, it mostly boils down to safety and social mores.

Guys have much greater breadth before things feel “out of control” so a kinky woman is “crazy” and that means sexually uninhibited and we’re like “fuck yeah, more of that please.”

For a woman, a “crazy” guy means “dangerous” and as a result, kink feels really unsafe. And with good reason. Men are fucking awful. Just saying.

Further, men and women are socialized very differently about sexual, right? Guys are supposed to be cocksure and rack up a good number of lays. Women are supposed to be pure, which means decades of repressing out-of-the-norm sexual desires. A guy is more like to say “this is what turns me on” than a woman.

As a result, women can find it easy to get laid but very difficult to find satisfaction.

Again, totally only my experience. Would love to hear if you’ve got different experiences.



I see where you’re coming from. I’m glad you explained. As one of those women who “found kink” after decades of suppressing desires, I would agree. I still find it difficult to say what I like or don’t like about sex or kink. Not because I can’t communicate (clearly I can) but because I am sub and because I’ve had those years of socialisation. And rubbish, vanilla sex. But tbh if the men I was with when younger had any sense or gave a toss that I was satisfied - it wouldn’t be that way. Men could help women in a very tangible way.

Bo****

Bo****

Posted
5 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I see where you’re coming from. I’m glad you explained. As one of those women who “found kink” after decades of suppressing desires, I would agree. I still find it difficult to say what I like or don’t like about sex or kink. Not because I can’t communicate (clearly I can) but because I am sub and because I’ve had those years of socialisation. And rubbish, vanilla sex. But tbh if the men I was with when younger had any sense or gave a toss that I was satisfied - it wouldn’t be that way. Men could help women in a very tangible way.

Sadly, young men get very myopic when their dicks are hard. Again, speaking from experience 😬

Deleted Member

Posted

I do agree about young men but it's a lot to do with relationships and the opening up of discussing sex 

Different women have different desires as do men, for example I never enjoyed sex until I had a partner who I could open and explore with, course the other side is once I experienced that I found a lot of women wouldn't satisfy me, to the point I chose to put sex to one side and no longer pursue relationships 

I'm only sharing this as it's not just women who experience what has been talked about

 

The OP i found odd as I haven't experienced or share his view 

 

 

Deleted Member

Posted
26 minutes ago, BoulderDom said:

Sadly, young men get very myopic when their dicks are hard. Again, speaking from experience 😬

Not just the young ones. But I’ve spoken to quite a few men who found their female partners seemed completely uninterested in satisfying them. Often the reason they strayed. I suspect my ex-partner would describe me that way as I checked out completely.

Deleted Member

Posted
7 minutes ago, midxplorer said:

I do agree about young men but it's a lot to do with relationships and the opening up of discussing sex 

Different women have different desires as do men, for example I never enjoyed sex until I had a partner who I could open and explore with, course the other side is once I experienced that I found a lot of women wouldn't satisfy me, to the point I chose to put sex to one side and no longer pursue relationships 

I'm only sharing this as it's not just women who experience what has been talked about

 

The OP i found odd as I haven't experienced or share his view 

 

 

Most of us want someone we can be open and explore with. Why did you find women couldn’t satisfy you - the kinks not align? I believe eyem is referring to the number of posts that appear (some at present) that are click-baity. I’ve been here a year and they’re quite regular.

Deleted Member

Posted

Maybe I've missed them Kate as I haven't seen any, I'm new here but seen them on other sites and I think certain members maybe get targeted more than me

For me build up is one of the biggest attraction of any sexual experience and have found many women just want to orgasm or have sex without really connecting, they aren't that different to blokes, but more men are as described by Boulder just about getting laid than
women

I will use swinging as an example that is a large community but has no connection which is why it doesn't attract me

ey****

ey****

Posted
  • Author
27 minutes ago, midxplorer said:

The OP i found odd as I haven't experienced or share his view 

 

 

You've never come across bait posts before?

Or just not identified yet what they are and why they gather so few replies?

Mz****

Mz****

Posted
(edited)
11 minutes ago, midxplorer said:

Maybe I've missed them Kate as I haven't seen any, I'm new here but seen them on other sites and I think certain members maybe get targeted more than me

For me build up is one of the biggest attraction of any sexual experience and have found many women just want to orgasm or have sex without really connecting, they aren't that different to blokes, but more men are as described by Boulder just about getting laid than
women

I will use swinging as an example that is a large community but has no connection which is why it doesn't attract me
 

Theres a fresh one in the Kink Academy forum..its called Other Sites, give it a look and you'll see a perfect example of what eyem was describing.

Edited by MzJax
Typo

Deleted Member

Posted
15 minutes ago, midxplorer said:

Maybe I've missed them Kate as I haven't seen any, I'm new here but seen them on other sites and I think certain members maybe get targeted more than me

For me build up is one of the biggest attraction of any sexual experience and have found many women just want to orgasm or have sex without really connecting, they aren't that different to blokes, but more men are as described by Boulder just about getting laid than
women

I will use swinging as an example that is a large community but has no connection which is why it doesn't attract me

I must spend too much time here 😊. I know which one has probably prompted this post (I could be wrong though!). I think swingers have quite a different perspective from my limited knowledge. Do you think perhaps you’ve just been unlucky? No doubt there are women like that as there are men, but also many women for whom their partner’s pleasure is equally important. I expected you to be much older to have come to that conclusion about women. 😕

Deleted Member

Posted

Eyem I followed the link from jax, and apologies, see your point, but as far as I have seen this is my favourite site and found it most genuine compared to others I've used

 

I spend most of my time in the lobby so don't really pay attention to most other stuff, Kate I have PMed you if you don't kind, don't want to spam this thread 

ey****

ey****

Posted
  • Author
3 hours ago, BoulderDom said:

1) Whining that no one finds you appealing is not a good look. You're literally saying "no one I've reached out to has wanted to be with me." Everyone who sees that post is going to figure that the crowd has spoken and you're not worth connecting with. Quit your fucking bellyaching. Up your message and profile game or take up another hobby. No one owes you a roll in the hay.

This is very true and it often tells a lot about a person regardless of which site it's on.

Things it would suggest they have done some or all of...

1) They have been messaging multiple people

This is something I know many women find offputting because it suggests she wasn't contacted because something about her was interesting - but because she was there, on the list.

2) They  have been trying to harvest for new members

There's a site where your user ID has a unique number and it's known/suspected there are people who increment the last-known number each day to find new sign ups. 

There's also a site with multiple groups where people opt into the groups and, again, folk who check the last page of 'joined date' to again try to harvest.

This is off-putting because it's fucking creepy.

3) They have been placing an ad but only attracted people with a financial interest (be it inexperienced or scammers, or "I can help you with that, but I do charge for time")

Which isn't a bad thing. But honestly, there's a guy I see spamming up everywhere with the same ad and it looks desperate.

And so looking desperate, puts off folk worth their salt and attracts only those who hope for some coin for the desperation

 

 

ey****

ey****

Posted
  • Author
6 minutes ago, midxplorer said:

Eyem I followed the link from jax, and apologies, see your point, but as far as I have seen this is my favourite site and found it most genuine compared to others I've used

this is also my favourite site :)

This is a post that is meant to be a little helpful.  The guy the other day was not the first, for example :) 

ey****

ey****

Posted
  • Author
11 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I think swingers have quite a different perspective from my limited knowledge.

Swingers really is a different world.  You'd expect more overlap between swingers and fetish but it really isn't there.   

Swingers often just like sex.  And rules and boundaries still exist. There's still problems with the odd creeper. But it's a different world.  

I think sometimes, however, that some people think the fetish scene is like the swinging scene - because, honestly.  If you go swinging and want to have sex you will have sex.  Not necessarily with the first person you see, but it's extremely likely to happen.  Especially if in a club.

 

Deleted Member

Posted
24 minutes ago, MzJax said:

Theres a fresh one in the Kink Academy forum..its called Other Sites, give it a look and you'll see a perfect example of what eyem was describing.

I should have just said that shouldn’t I MzJax?! ☺️

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