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*** VS ***

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In general every day life, we often use very powerful words as throwaway comments when talking about other people, especially when socialising with friends. But these words can have a deep, long lasting effect on individuals if used in the wrong context. Phrases such as "you're a whore" or "she's a slut" whilst can be used (and taken) as a joke, they can equally cause someone to believe that people really see them as such and that can really affect them mentally.


What's the difference between *** and ***?

*** within the context of the lifestyle is basically making someone feel humble. It's used to lower someone's status in a particular setting. For example, having your submissive kneel or sit on the floor is whilst you sit in a chair, be it in private or in a group setting is basically lowering their status. Having them wear particularly revealing clothing or even naked or sit with a butt plug or remote vibe when sat in a group setting is particularly effective at causing them some level of ***. You can take this to a further level such as having them on a collar and lead, have them eat and drink out of a dog bowl or even have them use a bucket in the corner of the room as a toilet. You can really take this to whatever level you want as long as the submissive you are playing with enjoys the experience and associated embarrassment.

*** on the other hand, is wearing a person down to a point of them being ***. Affecting a person's self esteem, self worth and self respect to the point that they are a shell of their former self. Constantly telling someone they are worthless slowly destroys their ego and the damage that can be caused through *** is deep, harmful and very difficult to repair. Even when the practice stops, the person who has been subjected to *** will constantly question whether they are enough for years after, possibly even forever.


There's a Fine Line

In my opinion there is a fine line between *** and *** play and being abusive. A lot of it comes down to consent, but the Dominant needs to take some responsibility here too. Humiliating or degrading someone as part of a scene can be a lot of fun. Calling a submissive a stupid whore when they stumble or trip as they are walking through a club can add to the intensity of the scene. But calling them names every time they make a mistake, day in, day out, will start to affect them mentally. Writing words like Slut, Bitch, Whore or Freak all over a submissive's body for the purpose of a scene is again something that can add to the whole experience. But having them write those things on themselves every day as soon as they get up and having to sit at work with those words written under their clothes is going to have a mental impact.


When does it become ***?

Consent is key but you need to ask yourself if you really truly have consent. Is this person giving you an emphatic "yes I want you to do this" or are they going along with it because it's what you want? Did they ask you to call them names or is it something you tried once, didn't get a negative reaction and so have started doing it more? Is the person fully aware of the potential effects this practice could have on their mental health? If not, then they haven't given "informed consent" and that's No Bueno! If you have any doubts STOP and talk it through.


The Negative Effects

Remember the ethos of this lifestyle is you should do nothing that would cause harm to another. This is especially true when it comes to mental health. The negative things that are said are far easier to believe and harder to forget than anything positive that's said. When a person gets to the point that they believe everything negative they've been told, anything positive feels like a lie to the point that they feel like the person saying it to them is mocking them as they are, in effect, questioning their very identity.

They will start questioning your motive; why lie and say something that you KNOW not to be true? How can they trust you when you'll lie to you so blatantly? Anger, frustration, annoyance and irritation creep in and they'll push away the one person that they should be keeping close. They won't want to, but they have to because they have to protect themselves from having their identity, how they know and see themselves, from being questioned, leaving them ***.

The negative effects are not the easiest thing to deal with as the person is left with *** that lasts for a very long time. It creates a lot of grief and unhappiness that tend to *** the person every single day.


When Things Have Gone Wrong

Fortunately, it is possible to overcome the negative effects and regain the confidence and control that may have been lost. Admittedly, it will take time to heal from the emotional trauma caused but gradually, they will discover an inner strength and resilience to build a bright future. You can help them in this by being there, understanding and listening. You can also take positive action such as helping them rebuild their self-esteem, reminding them what makes them a unique and valuable person. Look for ways to empower them by helping them rebuild their confidence in their abilities to make decisions. Help them to voice what's right for them, reassure them that they are not being selfish by saying what they want. Most importantly give them time. People often expect a speedy recovery but if they do not allow themselves enough time to heal, they will often fall back down. Remember it takes a lot of tender care and time for a person to regain their original lustre and beauty.



There's quite a bit to consider when considering these types of play. You really need to think about the context, the timing and the duration of *** or ***. I'm not saying either are abusive when being used between fully consenting adults. But used carelessly they can cause a lot of long term psychological harm. However, if used effectively with proper aftercare if needed, they can make for some fun, hot and intense experiences between people that really trust each other. Used in a group setting, it can be a lot of fun for others to watch too. 


Now....... Where's my slut?


I make a point of discussing every possible word/phrase with a sub and despite the actual literal context of the word will almost always use softening words along with such as MY slut, my little fucktoy etc and advise them that the reason I call them these things is double sided
1 to degrade
But 2 more importantly it shows they’re mine and I’m proud they picked me and have faith in me to allow me to so

Posted (edited)

What a great post, @ARCH73.

I think of all the cowardly men who say "how is any man able to safely have sex in the #MeToo era" and I think, motherfucker, what have you done that you're now worried about? Because if you have "informed consent" then you should be fine. Asking your partner, "are you okay doing this?" is sexy as hell and it makes your partner feel safe and, frankly, more likely to let loose.

That said, it's doubly important with the mental games of *** and ***. I think of a friend with an absolutely world-class chest who was teased about her development as a kid and is still embarrassed about her physique 20 years later. Despite the fact that her tits are objectively amazing!

We internalize the negative so much more easily than the positive because humans are wired for shit and when you practice *** and ***, you are walking a knife's edge. It's not enough to get passive consent. Active, informed consent. And for every instance you use insulting words, plan on a dozen instances where you praise. Starting with aftercare immediately following the scene. 

Bruises and even cuts heal relatively quickly. Mental lashes can bury themselves deeply in the psyche and continue to hurt years and even decades later.

Thanks again for the great post!

Edited by BoulderDom

One of the cases of finding out what it actually means before proceeding, I've noticed an increase in primarily young ( 18-25 ) subs, females in this case, saying they're totally new to the scene but wanting to be degraded and humiliated, I've spoken to some and said for examples sake roleplay a scenario, they soon realised they didn't actually want it, talk, research, and more importantly say NO if you realise this, majority won't be offended, but will respect and help you in your desires


I love this post. It explains exactly how I see *** and ***. Im one of those that it would definitely affect long term, so therefore I tell people its a hard limit until I find out their interpretation of it. If they are of the same mindset I am and we can discuss a way of say name calling being done in a way that I am comfortable with then yes im happy to do it . To me alot of discussion, trust and respect is needed before ill go ahead with it


This was really interesting. I find *** and *** play uncomfortable because some days it will be a thing in the moment and will bounce right off afterwards, and other times it'll hit and cut. Not easy for me (and therefore nigh on impossible for a partner) to know which kind of day it will be.


I love this post! I think too many people are guilty of only considering their own sexual desires and as you say, don’t communicate enough with their partners. Everybody has slightly different kinks and it should be explored properly. I enjoy being degraded during orgasms, but in very specific ways and wouldn’t necessarily be ok with anything else. You should always make sure that what you’re doing pleases all parties involved.

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