Hostile, toxic, bullying

[Pervy_Paul]

One feature of this site that's underused is the option to open new rooms. Anyone who's premium or VIP can do it and they have the option to remove anyone who's causing problems or being rude. 

[TeeJay_98]

18 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

None of us know everything, if you join a community like this with the idea that you do then unfortunately you will end up with a dented ego. Yes there's some rudeness and bullying at times, but there's also quite a lot of oversensitivity and white knighting. 

 

 

The rudeness and bullying seems to be happening more and more frequently. 

My experience which caused me to write this post only happened yesterday/early hours. 

 

I wasnt around when you experienced what you did but I'm sorry you had a bad experience and thankyou for sharing and giving your input

[TeeJay_98]

7 minutes ago, sweet***sub said:

I agree about the white knighting, rather than the affected person responding lots of people jump in and it turns into a bullying party. I understand some people don’t feel confident enough to speak up for themselves but it doesn’t require 3, 4, 5, more people to explain to someone they are misinformed, have been rude, don’t know the rules or whatever it is they have done wrong. 

Jumping on the band wagon has always been an issue and I feel as friendship groups form, it always will be unfortunately. 

 

I agree that people are VERY quick to jump on someone but not so quick to then offer advice - telling them where the rules are etc. 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

One feature of this site that's underused is the option to open new rooms. Anyone who's premium or VIP can do it and they have the option to remove anyone who's causing problems or being rude. 

I don’t feel like I should have to make a room to be able to have a civil conversation. The lobby is designed for ‘general chit-chat’ and should be a place where people feel safe and able to relax whilst having conversations.  It seems it’s the same people causing an atmosphere or bullying people, surely they should be dealt with rather than push people out?

[qu****]

A lot of people forget that the lobby is primarily general chit-chat, doesn't have to be kink based, the other two rooms are more specifically for that, that's why the lobby should be good for newbies as they can chat about work or weather till they feel more confident in opening up, yes there's a lot who join who are scared to mention their likes, and some who are long term members who still feel that way

[Pervy_Paul]

Well I know there are a few members here who have been using this site for a long time. There has always been a turnover of regulars in chat, and far from going down hill I'd say matters have improved no end. It's far more popular than it ever was and people who cant manage to be civil get kicked out.

I think everyone's feeling the effects of lockdown, the thing with other people is you wont always agree with them or like them, and that's fine. Just talk to someone else. 

 

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, Pervy_Paul said:

One feature of this site that's underused is the option to open new rooms. Anyone who's premium or VIP can do it and they have the option to remove anyone who's causing problems or being rude. 

I agree, this is underused, but for me the problem with this as an option is that the last time I kicked someone I was reported and had to justify why I'd kicked them.. this person had me blocked so I couldn't see what they were saying, but I could see from responses that it wasn't anything I wanted a part of, it was disruptive and beginning to get nasty, so he was removed..If I open a room I should have access to who's in it, or be able to have more of a say who can enter, especially people I've blocked particularly when I'm paying for the privilege.

A few of us wanted to open a room specifically for a Dommes night, that wasn't allowed either, as filters wouldn't let me exclude male members but still allow trans people..nor can I open a room for a specific age group, over 50s for example to avoid streams of ***agers hitting on us.. I understand its to promote inclusion, but sometimes,  a little separation is good too.

[Pervy_Paul]

I agree that you should have more power over who's allowed in the room without having to justify why.

There is the option to exclude men and allow trans people, I don't know how new that is, but it's there now. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Pervy_Paul

[qu****]

These problems were here before lockdown, I think it's more human nature unfortunately, as soon as you get a number of , well, strangers in the main, these problems will occur, not right I know but it happens nevertheless, not everyone will like everyone or want to talk to them, but no need for rudeness on eithers part, I mean how many times have you seen a celebrity on TV and thought I really dislike them, you've never met them or spoke to them but you dislike them, then whenever they're on again you mute or turn TV over, human nature has a lot to answer for. But those who are guilty of rudeness or bullying just won't see they're wrong.

[qu****]

I know the site wants it to be inclusive of all, but what's the harm of someone specifically only wanting a certain age group, gender or nationality in the room, other sites successfully manage these kinds of filters, not necessarily because you're anti anything, just sometimes you fancy a chat with specific peers

[Mz****]

4 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

I know the site wants it to be inclusive of all, but what's the harm of someone specifically only wanting a certain age group, gender or nationality in the room, other sites successfully manage these kinds of filters, not necessarily because you're anti anything, just sometimes you fancy a chat with specific peers

Or role, I've been asked more times than I can remember if I'd open a room just for subs to use to learn from each other, there are times I want to talk to other Dominants or other Sadists without submissives or others present too..I think the filters should definitely be overhauled and I think it would solve some of the problems the lobby seems to be experiencing.

[Pervy_Paul]

Yep, I have to agree, but if something isn't being used it's more likely to be scrapped than updated. 

[Th****]

My hubby and I only joined the site at the weekend and one of the first forum posts I read was Lillyth's post about chat room behaviour. Although it was reassuring to see so many responses condemning bullying behaviour and members seeming really friendly (as it is on this post), it does leave me a little apprehensive about venturing into the chat rooms. I am a newbie to the site but also to the lifestyle with much still to learn and worrying about whether I'm going to say something out of turn and get jumped upon. 
I think I would also feel more at ease if there were some more specific chatrooms, like a Dommes room as I would love to chat to other Dommes.

So far I've just kept it to messaging people privately.

[Mz****]

49 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

Yep, I have to agree, but if something isn't being used it's more likely to be scrapped than updated. 

Perhaps, but who wants to pay to use something inadequate, you wouldn't anywhere else in life, no one's going to keep buying and drinking the foul ale in the local pub just so they can keep serving it..I understand what you're saying, but 🤷‍♀️

[Pervy_Paul]

@TheLilacMistress It's really nothing to worry about, there's the occasional upset, but mostly people get along fine and are quite friendly. 

[Mz****]

22 minutes ago, TheLilacMistress said:

My hubby and I only joined the site at the weekend and one of the first forum posts I read was Lillyth's post about chat room behaviour. Although it was reassuring to see so many responses condemning bullying behaviour and members seeming really friendly (as it is on this post), it does leave me a little apprehensive about venturing into the chat rooms. I am a newbie to the site but also to the lifestyle with much still to learn and worrying about whether I'm going to say something out of turn and get jumped upon. 
I think I would also feel more at ease if there were some more specific chatrooms, like a Dommes room as I would love to chat to other Dommes.

So far I've just kept it to messaging people privately.

Its a shame that post tempered your first impressions of the site..but, if you hang around, hopefully your lasting impressions will be more positive..welcome by the way.

We're A/all people and people will insist on being people, the good, the bad and the ugly, but the vast majority I've come across in my time here, have been genuine, authentic and friendly.(the rest you ignore as much as you can..like on any other site with interaction)

[TeeJay_98]

53 minutes ago, TheLilacMistress said:

My hubby and I only joined the site at the weekend and one of the first forum posts I read was Lillyth's post about chat room behaviour. Although it was reassuring to see so many responses condemning bullying behaviour and members seeming really friendly (as it is on this post), it does leave me a little apprehensive about venturing into the chat rooms. I am a newbie to the site but also to the lifestyle with much still to learn and worrying about whether I'm going to say something out of turn and get jumped upon. 
I think I would also feel more at ease if there were some more specific chatrooms, like a Dommes room as I would love to chat to other Dommes.

So far I've just kept it to messaging people privately.

I thoroughly hope you are enjoying your time on the site and hope we have the opportunity to meet you in the Lobby when you are ready ☺, best of luck. 

[sm****]

Sadly this is not new, another larger thread only a few weeks ago hit on this toxic atmosphere.  Nothing has changed.

As has been stated it's more or less the same people, who have friends and it's like watching as pack of hyenas tear in to someone.

I literally stopped going in for weeks, came back talking a few days ago, great convo flowing, came back a few hours later to yet more agro going on.  I literally left saying why the hell did i want to come back on for.

Iv'e had to start blocking annoyances on there.

[TeeJay_98]

6 minutes ago, smeagol said:

s has been stated it's more or less the same people, who have friends and it's like watching as pack of hyenas tear in to someone.

I literally stopped going in for weeks, came back talking a few days ago, great convo flowing, came back a few hours later to yet more agro going on.  I literally left saying why the hell did i want to come back on for.

Iv'e had to start blocking annoyances on there.

Im glad your back in and hopefully it will become a better place so people feel welcome enough to stay chatting. Shame to see and hear of so many people leaving the chat. 

 

Take care x

[Deleted Member]

Remember there is always the option to open a new chat group and have a nice happy banter or answering newbies questions without the hassle.

[Deleted Member]

I am never usually on chat as it’s not my thing but I will open the door sometime to check if it’s really so bad. And I won’t hesitate to remind anyone who would think they own the public chat room 🐺

[Deleted Member]

Sadly this happens both online and offline. I think it's easier online but once a bully has become established in a group they feel very well protected.
Back when I was new to kink I attended a local munch and it was a horrible experience. I was nervous and it was clear I was new so a lot of people just ignored me when I tried to chat with them.
Then one women started talking to me and despite having her sub with her went on to say how she would treat me. I politely declined saying I wasn't a sub only for her to laugh grab my arm and say "I don't care what you think you are" and went on to say how she would effectively assault me until I gave in.
Naturally I got the hell out of there and tried to report it but again as she was friends with the people running it I was told to suck it up.
I was left thinking that was normal then and decided never to attend any event again.
It was only by chatting with a lovely lady from a neighbouring area who I learnt ran her own munch did I decide to try again.
Completely different experience, it was a proper munch where people were having lively conversations ect rather than a bunch of small groups huddled together in corner.
I learnt a lot and was invited to other events and it really helped me grow.
Anywho (sorry for long story) my point is that I think you are absolutely right that new people can be scared off and gain very negative views of the entire kink community from how toxic people are handled.
As such I think it's important to keep highlighting it like this post does so even if we struggle to remove it at least there's a sign that it is not normal.

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, MaskedDom said:

Sadly this happens both online and offline. I think it's easier online but once a bully has become established in a group they feel very well protected.
Back when I was new to kink I attended a local munch and it was a horrible experience. I was nervous and it was clear I was new so a lot of people just ignored me when I tried to chat with them.
Then one women started talking to me and despite having her sub with her went on to say how she would treat me. I politely declined saying I wasn't a sub only for her to laugh grab my arm and say "I don't care what you think you are" and went on to say how she would effectively assault me until I gave in.
Naturally I got the hell out of there and tried to report it but again as she was friends with the people running it I was told to suck it up.
I was left thinking that was normal then and decided never to attend any event again.
It was only by chatting with a lovely lady from a neighbouring area who I learnt ran her own munch did I decide to try again.
Completely different experience, it was a proper munch where people were having lively conversations ect rather than a bunch of small groups huddled together in corner.
I learnt a lot and was invited to other events and it really helped me grow.
Anywho (sorry for long story) my point is that I think you are absolutely right that new people can be scared off and gain very negative views of the entire kink community from how toxic people are handled.
As such I think it's important to keep highlighting it like this post does so even if we struggle to remove it at least there's a sign that it is not normal.

sorry to hear what you went through, that is an awful experience from you but it is good you decided to give it another shot and seen the potential there and not put off due to that other persons actions towards you.  says more about them than anyone else. 

[TeeJay_98]

2 minutes ago, MaskedDom said:

Sadly this happens both online and offline. I think it's easier online but once a bully has become established in a group they feel very well protected.
Back when I was new to kink I attended a local munch and it was a horrible experience. I was nervous and it was clear I was new so a lot of people just ignored me when I tried to chat with them.
Then one women started talking to me and despite having her sub with her went on to say how she would treat me. I politely declined saying I wasn't a sub only for her to laugh grab my arm and say "I don't care what you think you are" and went on to say how she would effectively assault me until I gave in.
Naturally I got the hell out of there and tried to report it but again as she was friends with the people running it I was told to suck it up.
I was left thinking that was normal then and decided never to attend any event again.
It was only by chatting with a lovely lady from a neighbouring area who I learnt ran her own munch did I decide to try again.
Completely different experience, it was a proper munch where people were having lively conversations ect rather than a bunch of small groups huddled together in corner.
I learnt a lot and was invited to other events and it really helped me grow.
Anywho (sorry for long story) my point is that I think you are absolutely right that new people can be scared off and gain very negative views of the entire kink community from how toxic people are handled.
As such I think it's important to keep highlighting it like this post does so even if we struggle to remove it at least there's a sign that it is not normal.

What an awful experience! I'm so sorry that happened to you, in no way is it normal or acceptable. Etiquette, consent and respect should always be at the forefront of peoples minds and it clearly wasnt in hers. 

 

I'm glad you've been shown how it should be and thankyou so much for sharing, your experience will definitely be a value to many, especially those that are new to munches. 

 

Thankyou so much for your input! 

All the best, 

TJ

[Sm****]

This is why I have not really commented on anything or been in any of the chats .
Just incase.
I've been on here about 6 months and yes spoken to some lovely people who I have met.
But I am finding it hard to find our what I would like .

And yes I get it that in life we do meet people like this .

In all of the pandemic you would of thought people would be a bit kinder .
They are just showing their true colours.