Dom/mes, can You love a sub who….

[Ka****]

I would like honest feedback on this question please. Please no snarky comments or rage baiting. I’ve had three real life Dominants/Masters since I’ve began my submissive journey in my mid twenties. Two of my Master’s have been forthcoming from the start and told me they will never love me. I don’t understand have a person can go into a dynamic and decide ahead of time that they will never love you. I’ve always wondered if it Is a conscious choice or if it’s just something about me personally? I know you don’t know me personally so can’t answer that question but I’ve also been told by a few perspectives that I am too good of a submissive at times. That I totally submit every part of myself to the person I serve. That I do not argue or ask why. That I bend over backwards to prove myself worthy of their ownership. Is this why I can’t find a Master that will allow himself to love me? Am I making myself too much a piece of property without them even having to try? My willingness to dish out what they act toward me without push back? Am I too much of a doormat? Do Doms these days want feisty bratty subs? Someone to push back against their demands? I love my Master with every ounce of my soul. I tell him daily that I love him. When I do, he answers, “Good girl.” Nothing more. Nothing less. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong to be kept being told, “ I care about you, but I can’t love you.” If it was just once I’d take it as a fluke. But it’s recurring in my life. And it hurts like hell.

[pi****]

While I only dom with those who i was monogamous with I think that those guys are ether just with u for the play/sex and nothing else or they are un shore they can do the play and have a stable relationship with u.

[Chippytea]

Ill be honest, a dom can love there sub but there has to be something there from the beginning
You cant change your doms mind , if they want a good sub there happy, but for a dom to love there sub it has to be from the start

[om****]

As a dom I can’t imagine not growing more affectionate with time at the very least. I mean the lifestyle in and of itself is very emotional. I don’t think these are true individuals wanting the lifestyle. It sounds to me they are just narcissistic assholes who want a toy.

[Gy****]

Im the polar opposite, i can't truly play with a person unless i love them to some extent. If i don't love them i wont care enoguht to fullfill my dominate role to make my submissive happy.

Then again im a pleasure top and what makes me happy is makeing my partner happy.

But does leave my *** to getting my heart broken easily

[Deleted Member]

As a submissive myself let me ask a different perspective here. Are you submitting simply for the hope of gaining their love through the submission? If so it sounds like you’re seeking validation that you’re worthy of love and using submission to gain it. Know your value and your worth inside and outside dynamics. Heal your inner wounds so you only submit to one worthy of your love and devotion. Service is a different form of love and devotion than romantic love for many D types. Just a different perspective for you to consider ❤️.

[Deleted Member]

I think that it could be the wrong type of Dom for you. It seems like from what I’m reading they may be more accustomed to bratty and desire that to an extent while based on your description it sounds that you fall more into the slave/service sub category. I feel for ya girl. I hope it turns around for you some day.

[Deleted Member]

For a lot of people, both doms and subs, the whole sexual fantasy realm has been and always be a way for them to escape reality. It’s a way for them to live out a fantasy when they want without the commitment requirements. But for the others that actually fall in love with their Dom or sub it’s *** and hellish because for them this is their reality and not their fantasy.

Then you have another pov where both do love each other but circumstances don’t allow them to be with each other. For example when two are in a long distance relationship, the distance usually tears them apart.

Someone like you is indeed rare in terms of total submission but at the end of the what I have found is this is just most people’s fantasy to escape the real world and that’s it.

It hurts but that’s what I have seen. Hope this helps shed some new perspective.

[Fa****]

I think a big part of this comes down to being really honest about what you want from the start, and giving yourself permission to want it.

If you know you’re someone whose feelings naturally get involved, and you can’t keep things purely as “just a dynamic,” that’s something important to communicate early on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved as well as controlled or dominated—it doesn’t make you too much, it just means you need a different kind of connection.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like the Doms you’ve been with have been clear about their limits. As much as it hurts, that honesty isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s just them knowing what they can and can’t offer.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by loving deeply or giving a lot of yourself. But it might mean you need to be a little more protective of your heart, and make sure the person you’re choosing is actually capable of meeting you in the same way.

It’s okay to want more. It’s okay to need more.

The important thing is being clear about that, and choosing someone who wants the same kind of dynamic, rather than trying to fit yourself into one that was never designed to give you what you need.

[Deleted Member]

Just like vanilla relationships, some people simply want FWB dynamic, some want the gratification but not the commitment, some people separate their relationships differently.

I've had subs i felt nothing for but it was an agreed upon dynamic beforehand such as when it was more of a teaching role but for me its more gratifying when the whole relationship is there.

I suppose the ones who had decided previously were simply looking for the physical aspect and didn't want to commit or perhaps couldn't for various reasons but no you aren't defective or anything.

Again like vanilla relationships both people have to be on the same page and it can take time to find the right match. I hope this helped.

[Sa****]

In my opinion need to keep bdsm and kink things only in bed . out of bed be queen or princess. In bed be what ever you want . That is it .

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, NightfallSiren said:

I think a big part of this comes down to being really honest about what you want from the start, and giving yourself permission to want it.

If you know you’re someone whose feelings naturally get involved, and you can’t keep things purely as “just a dynamic,” that’s something important to communicate early on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved as well as controlled or dominated—it doesn’t make you too much, it just means you need a different kind of connection.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like the Doms you’ve been with have been clear about their limits. As much as it hurts, that honesty isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s just them knowing what they can and can’t offer.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by loving deeply or giving a lot of yourself. But it might mean you need to be a little more protective of your heart, and make sure the person you’re choosing is actually capable of meeting you in the same way.

It’s okay to want more. It’s okay to need more.

The important thing is being clear about that, and choosing someone who wants the same kind of dynamic, rather than trying to fit yourself into one that was never designed to give you what you need.

This is absolute truth! It’s a great perspective to offer to refine vetting questions for her as well in the future! It’s literally why I included it on my profile because I can’t cope with casual or just a dynamic personally but it doesn’t invalidate those who only want the surface connection. 👏👏👏

[DeviantInside]

Honest answer purely from my perspective. I have been on the scene for over 20 years but that doesn’t mean much, my experiences and preconceptions will not mean much to others necessarily. I have had subs and slaves I have loved and others I have not. I have fallen in love very quickly and also had relationships where I felt no aspect of love. This is regardless of male, female, trans, bratty, “doormat”, pleasure sub etc etc… I have been clear always with everyone since a young age that I would never say I love someone if I didn’t mean it (did once, felt wrong, swore I never would again). But the reality is that love is not a quantifiable property. It means something different to everyone. I would say that from what I have experienced and seen from others it doesn’t matter what your kink/s or personal love language is… you can find love. But that’s a very subjective experience.

[Do****]

I have been a Dom for over 10 years and have had 3 long-term connections. I deeply cared for each of them and genuinely cherished them for their submission and obedience.

I've definitely had strictly physical connections and enjoyed those interactions for what they were, but the long-term exclusive D / s connections are unmatched. It's personal preference and ALL comes down to communication, trust, respect and honesty.

[Ka****]

Btw.. please forgive the typos. My phone loves to predict and change what I’m typing.

[Fa****]

25 minutes ago, HellcatAngel said:

This is absolute truth! It’s a great perspective to offer to refine vetting questions for her as well in the future! It’s literally why I included it on my profile because I can’t cope with casual or just a dynamic personally but it doesn’t invalidate those who only want the surface connection. 👏👏👏

Thank you Hellcat, I completely agree—vetting is so important. Being part of this community comes with its own risks, both physical and emotional, so asking the right questions and being clear and direct about what you want really matters.

I really like that you’ve included that on your profile as well, it shows a lot of self-awareness. Being clear about your emotional capacity is just as important as knowing your limits, and it makes it so much easier to find something that actually feels mutual and fulfilling.

[Ca****]

Every Dom is different just like every person is different, so if a Dom is not going to fall in love with someone that is on the Dom, not the sub. While some Doms love service oriented subs and some love bratty subs I think that is a Dom says they will never fall in love with someone that is something in the Doms head.

[Be****]

Dominant people are more conscious. Thus, the factor of love is reduced.

However also doms also have internal problems. Some consider to love is involuntarily action, which is the opposite of being conscious. And doms consider being dominant also is being conscious rater than having involuntarily action.

However, deciding up front is sort of sounds like a need relationship rater than d s ms relationship. If you put two fish in the same aquarium, eventually they will love each other. And ms ds relationships are the aquarium.

I think it depends from person to person. Not everyone is the same.

[me****]

It sounds like you’re giving a lot of yourself in these dynamics, and it makes sense that it hurts when that love isn’t returned in the way you’re hoping for.
Just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you have to give every part of yourself without receiving care, respect, and emotional consideration in return. A healthy dynamic, no matter the structure, still needs mutual respect and intention from both people.
From what you described, it might not be that you’re “too much” or “not enough,” but that you’re giving deeply to people who either aren’t capable of or aren’t interested in meeting you on that same emotional level. And that’s not a reflection of your worth.
You deserve a dynamic where your submission is valued, not taken for granted, and where your emotional needs are acknowledged too. Being submissive doesn’t mean you stop having needs or boundaries, it just means you express them differently.

[Cu****]

It has nothing to do with you. Honestly I’d choose different Doms. If they’re that closed off, no need to bother with them.

[Ru****]

Alpha dominant currently I have a 23-year-old submissive and I don’t know how I could do it. If love wasn’t a part of it and caring it sounds like it’s just a transaction not a relationship. I never do transactions if there’s not chemistry and if we’re not moving towards something more in a permanent level, I’m not interested now. I would say this we had the conversation about an open relationship from the beginning it are both agreed to it.

[Se****]

From one sub to another: I’ve been involved in the lifestyle for 20+ years. I’ve had three Doms in between vanilla relationships. From what I’ve experienced and what I’ve learned through various communities and friendships, every dynamic is unique. What works with one doesn’t always work with the next. It’s all about the chemistry, the communication, and what each person brings to the table. There is no black and white definition of a “good” sub or “good” Dom/me. To use a classic phrase: What is one person’s yum is another person’s yuck. But that’s the best part, in my opinion, of the kink lifestyle as a whole! We all get to be ourselves and choose partners accordingly.
If finding love is a priority for you, then don’t back away from it. If needing your Dom/Master to love you is important, then communicate that and accept that some won’t be able to give that to you. It doesn’t define you as a good or bad sub, it defines you as a person.
I don’t know you, so this is just a general suggestion. But maybe spending some time with a journal, figuring out what you need to be happy in a D/s dynamic looks like, might help sort this out for you. It’s a good thing to enter into any dynamic with the confidence that you know what you will and will not settle for. It’s a good thing to know what you are willing to sacrifice and what you cannot. This doesn’t just apply to the kink lifestyle, but it runs deeper in kink than in any vanilla relationship given the deeper connections we are choosing to honor.
Be blessed, luv. And trust in what you need. Not every Dom/Master is meant to give it to you, but that doesn’t make them bad either. It just means they weren’t meant for you. 💖
There’s a lot of incredible people in this lifestyle-even if it is just friendships that are formed.

[Ga****]

I find it particularly gross that there are dominants out there that don't have an interest in a romantic relationship. For my part I don't separate the mechanics, I see kink as an extension of romance, blind desire is roughly pointless, if the only metric is sexual release, then there are low-effort means to acquire that. If you're investing in a person, why would you not care about the person too? It makes no sense. Being submissive doesn't mean you're an object to be used, it just means you give yourself to another. You'll want to pick someone who will make you happy, and if you know what it is to begin with, hold onto it and fight for it.

Long story short, you get to decide what you're worth, you don't have to pick someone who doesn't love you, you don't have to pick someone who loves you. It's okay to be picky lol.

[Da****]

I could love a sub that doesn't just pretend for ***. Seems like everyone I meet just uses me for ***.

[An****]

If you aren't 100% positive what you're looking for in a dominant then you'll never find it. Make a list. What is your ideal partner like? What are their best qualities? What are your deal breakers? Then go out and demand someone step up. Don't settle for less. If you spend your time in relationships where you settled for less you'll never find the relationship where you get everything you want and deserve.