Dom/mes, can You love a sub who….

[Ga****]

Imho they love their power over you more than you. This happens because in childhood you learned to repress and subjugate your own needs wants and desires to the needs and wants of others in order to please others or not get in trouble. And if as a child you were physically ***d while being emotionally neglected at the same time you see the aggressive nature of these men as love and feel the emotional neglect as normal. Issue is you probably are not attracted to kind loving non kinky or aggressive men. What’s needed is a compassionate dom. One who can play a dom role in the bed firmly without degrading you. Outside the bedroom power play for you should be teasing or flirting. A compassionate dom should want to help you assist you and emotionally support and connect with you. We only accept the love we THINK we DESERVE. If childhood trauma makes us feel less deserving, you become a people pleaser which is attractive to predatory type C personalities who will see you with contempt. You are valued by them for what you do not who you are. Facts. It’s psychology. Build your self worth.

[Ca****]

G'day, after being in the life style for so long the dynamic of a Master/slave has changed so much. Back in the day your slave was also your partner, your lover and your best friend.

But to it seems that some Masters today believe that is all about control and punishments. You have do what you are told and that is it. Which is down right bullshit.

I am sorry you have to deal with that. The love should be shown back and should also been said.

You know your boundaries now and what you need(not want), stick to them.

 

[Sq****]

I’ve talked to a couple guys where the dom can’t actually love their subs had a sub where the previous dom was too. It’s like their love and sex lives are compartmentalized where they have their kink that they need their subs for, but can never truly love the girl that subs for them. They only want that in a sexual way, but in a personal connection way is a turn off to the level of being a dealbreaker entirely.

[Deleted Member]

Actuaĺy a true sub /dom relationship "in my eyes" is and should be unconditional love.

[Co****]

What you doing wrong is picking people that say that they will never love you. The dynamic if done right is one of interdependence in which you feed off each other. As a Dom, I am getting energy from your submission. As a Sub, You are getting energy from my domination over you. The dynamic of power exchange is intoxicating for both parties and why we do this. The level of intimacy psychologically is so powerful when done right that I can't imagine that there isn't love. Unless it isn't a power dynamic and it's about something else.

[ja****]

Yes I could and have

[Sh****]

Some Dom have trauma of their own and have decided to shut down that Part of them. Quite a few are sociopaths, without empathy. Their mind sees it as filling a need. A business arrangement. If they were honest and open about that in the beginning then you found rarities. I believe what you need is something referred to as a soft Dom. They're ruled more by nurturing emotions than patriarchal. Either way, you sound like an adorable little dream.

[Ma****]

You are picking the wrong Doms they clearly just want a play thing, A Dom should still love and cherish you

[Ju****]

It should not be only Subs who prove themselves worthy of a Doms ownership, but also I feel that a Dom should prove worthy of owning their Sub.
Maybe your Dom is not worthy, or maybe not even a true Dom, but an a**hole.
Maybe they just really don't have the ability to love, is someone who can't love worthy of love, I would hope so. Do they not show you love with their actions? Is it just the word that is missing?
Maybe he does.
You would know if I love you by my actions and wouldn't need to hear the word, but I suppose it would be nice to hear.
It is always good to hear "I'm so glad I found you" I'd much rather hear those words, or "I wish I could have found you sooner" but a simple "I love you" would also sound really good, whispered soft and slow into my ear, followed by a long slow kiss that ends in a slow seductive suck at my bottom lip.
You sound like you are a dream.

[an****]

I havent made it through the comments yet but just wanted to throw out my initial thoughts after reading the post. So in the kink community, is a sub what a person would normally classify as a co dependent in terms of psychology as it is today or am i thinking in too black/white mindset?

[wa****]

I would love you of you did this for me not had a sub like this they must just not want one sub I would love one sub come and serve me

[Ka****]

18 hours ago, GangsterOFLove said:

Imho they love their power over you more than you. This happens because in childhood you learned to repress and subjugate your own needs wants and desires to the needs and wants of others in order to please others or not get in trouble. And if as a child you were physically ***d while being emotionally neglected at the same time you see the aggressive nature of these men as love and feel the emotional neglect as normal. Issue is you probably are not attracted to kind loving non kinky or aggressive men. What’s needed is a compassionate dom. One who can play a dom role in the bed firmly without degrading you. Outside the bedroom power play for you should be teasing or flirting. A compassionate dom should want to help you assist you and emotionally support and connect with you. We only accept the love we THINK we DESERVE. If childhood trauma makes us feel less deserving, you become a people pleaser which is attractive to predatory type C personalities who will see you with contempt. You are valued by them for what you do not who you are. Facts. It’s psychology. Build your self worth.

What??!!??!!

[Ba****]

5 hours ago, anonfor2day said:

I havent made it through the comments yet but just wanted to throw out my initial thoughts after reading the post. So in the kink community, is a sub what a person would normally classify as a co dependent in terms of psychology as it is today or am i thinking in too black/white mindset?

Wait codependency is a mutual thing

And yes in some unhealthy cases BDSM relationships can become codependent but on this thread the problem is more that things are not becoming „co-„anything enough

[Deleted Member]

Communication and honesty is key.

[Fi****]

Too many people ITT are monolithizing dom/sub relationships to their personal preference.

Dynamics and relationships are to be discussed/negotiated.

I'll keep it simple. Some people while giving attention, affection, etc... can't or won't give their love.

It could be from various psychological disorders but more often than not it will be from either: subconscious *** resulting from trauma, consciously intellectualized as a defense mechanism or just lack of romantic interest (not wanting a love based relationship with a specific person or in general).

The answer to this is clearly stating your intentions, wants, needs and boundaries (about the dynamic or relationship) when either are initially being considered, and/or as they evolve.

Also love is not based on submission, i.e. you can't make someone love you by submitting harder.

Someone either loves you or doesn't.

This without touching the similarities of love, lust, and infatuation... often confused wirh one another.

[DrPleaseher]

A Dom can love his sub, that , for me, is what makes it special. To have a person love you so much they’d do anything for you is amazing and should be acknowledged

[Na****]

U just have had the wrong one.

[Se****]

On 4/2/2026 at 10:45 PM, OTrainer said:

If I say ‘I love you’ to someone and am hurt that they do not say it back to me, then it feels like I'm really saying ‘I need you’ and I'm looking for reassurance.

If I think that I'm doing something wrong if someone won't say that they love me, is that because I think that if only I do the right things then they will? Is that love, though?

I see where you’re coming from but I don’t necessarily agree. If someone says I love you and knows the other person also loves them back then why wouldn’t they say it back? The hurt part, I believe, would come from knowing someone loves you and wondering why they can’t/won’t tell you - but I guess a lot of that is also conditioning.

Re your second point I guess it depends on the type of person you are. Again a person knowing but not hearing it may wonder why and why it’s being withheld and whether they have therefore done something to cause the love to, in their eyes, be withheld. Sometimes when we’re at our most *** and low is when we need to hear the words most and yes, that may be reassurance or neediness but if you love someone and they’re hurting why wouldn’t you give them that?

Slightly off topic and I apologise x

[DLoren]

5 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

I see where you’re coming from but I don’t necessarily agree. If someone says I love you and knows the other person also loves them back then why wouldn’t they say it back? The hurt part, I believe, would come from knowing someone loves you and wondering why they can’t/won’t tell you - but I guess a lot of that is also conditioning.

Re your second point I guess it depends on the type of person you are. Again a person knowing but not hearing it may wonder why and why it’s being withheld and whether they have therefore done something to cause the love to, in their eyes, be withheld. Sometimes when we’re at our most *** and low is when we need to hear the words most and yes, that may be reassurance or neediness but if you love someone and they’re hurting why wouldn’t you give them that?

Slightly off topic and I apologise x

The question is how to distinguish between someone who loves you and someone who loves the love you give them.

[Ga****]

20 hours ago, aligurl80 said:

What??!!??!!

If someone who you are in a committed relationship is purposely withdrawing or not expressing care inside a committed relationship, they are abusing you and your confusion, questioning yourself is the point. Withholding behavior is a toxic, intentional tactic where a person willfully withdraws affection, communication, validation, or intimacy to punish, control, or disempower their partner. It creates profound feelings of isolation, inadequacy, and emotional neglect in the receiver, often acting as a form of emotional ***. It’s for psychological control.

[cr****]

I have had one who at her request wanted to be my sub. Respect always but love not from my part and that was clear to them at the beginning. Then I had two slaves, whom I loved fiercely, but was upfront at the beginning, it was M/s over relationship as I needed that separation in some emotions to stay objective

[Mr****]

Unfortunately, some people lack the emotional depth to allow themselves to show that level of vulnerability. To me, dominance requires a high level of integrity and stoicism, it is the gifting of unwavering stability, reliability, safety and structure. It is holding space to not only carry another's chaos but to convert it into order. In a scene or dynamic, that level of stern stoicism is essential but in the teaching of the great Marcus Aurelius, it must be equally measured by compassion, empathy and emotional vulnerability. I honestly can't see how aftercare could exist without these things. For a dominant to declare that their emotional vulnerability is a hard limit is the ultimate red flag in my opinion

[Ba****]

4 hours ago, MrWolfe_ said:

Unfortunately, some people lack the emotional depth to allow themselves to show that level of vulnerability. To me, dominance requires a high level of integrity and stoicism, it is the gifting of unwavering stability, reliability, safety and structure. It is holding space to not only carry another's chaos but to convert it into order. In a scene or dynamic, that level of stern stoicism is essential but in the teaching of the great Marcus Aurelius, it must be equally measured by compassion, empathy and emotional vulnerability. I honestly can't see how aftercare could exist without these things. For a dominant to declare that their emotional vulnerability is a hard limit is the ultimate red flag in my opinion

Well love isn’t really my specialty but it’s also entirely absent from your comment, as in you can do everything you mentioned and not love the one you are doing it to/for

[Deleted Member]

If your dom doesn't love you they aren't doing it right. You should be loved and respected. Even in that situation you are a prized possession. You are reasonable for they pleasure they are responsible for your care love and support other wise it's just an a**hole with a superiority complex

[Deleted Member]

Their*